The Survivor’s Edit Podcast with Weslea O’Connor

Sexual Assault, Shame, and the Fight to Reclaim Control | With Leah Neas, LCSW

Content Advisory: This episode is intended for mature audiences and contains discussions of sexual assault, sexual violence, trauma, victim-blaming, forensic examinations, and personal experiences of assault. It also includes strong language. Some listeners may find portions of the conversation distressing. Please take care of yourself and decide whether, when, and how you’d like to listen.

What happens after a sexual assault? And why do we so often question the person who was harmed instead of the person responsible?

This week on The Survivor’s Edit, I’m joined by Leah Neas, LCSW, a therapist at Wise Mind Counseling in Albuquerque, New Mexico, for a candid and sometimes uncomfortable conversation about sexual assault, shame, consent, victim-blaming, and the complicated process of healing.

We talk about the questions survivors are asked, the reactions of friends and family, and the ways our culture teaches women to protect themselves rather than holding perpetrators accountable.

We also discuss the #MeToo movement, the allegations surrounding Cornell University, the challenges survivors can encounter in hospitals and the legal system, and the lasting effects of trauma on relationships, intimacy, and our sense of safety.

Both Leah and I share personal experiences as part of this conversation.

One theme we keep coming back to is dignity and control. When someone has experienced sexual assault, how do we support them without making their decisions for them? What does it actually mean to believe someone? And how can we help create a culture where survivors feel safe speaking about what happened?

This isn’t an easy conversation. But it’s one I believe is worth having.

Editorial Disclaimer

The Survivor’s Edit is an editorial podcast featuring personal stories, perspectives, opinions, and conversations about difficult life experiences.

This episode is an unscripted conversation informed by lived experience and Leah’s professional background as a licensed clinical social worker. It is not intended to provide individualized mental health treatment, medical advice, or legal guidance.

Our discussion of Cornell University and other public events reflects our perspectives and the information being discussed at the time of recording. Allegations discussed in this episode should not be interpreted as established findings of fact or guilt.

Statistics, personal observations, and opinions shared during the conversation are part of an editorial discussion and should not be treated as a comprehensive review of research or legal proceedings.

Resources and Support

If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault, confidential support and information are available.

* RAINN — National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800-656-HOPE (4673)

https://rainn.org

* National Sexual Violence Resource Center: Education, prevention, and survivor resources

https://www.nsvrc.org

* VictimConnect Resource Center: Information and referrals for people affected by crime

https://victimconnect.org

* 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988 for emotional crisis support in the United States

https://988lifeline.org

You do not have to navigate what happened alone.

Connect

Leah Neas, LCSWWise Mind Counseling | Albuquerque, New Mexico

The Survivor’s EditStories about the lives we rebuild after everything changes.

Website:

https://thesurvivorsedit.com

Subscribe to The Survivor’s Edit on Substack for new essays, podcast episodes, and conversations about what comes after life changes.

Music Credits

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The Survivor’s Edit | Weslea O’Connor is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Cancer took a lot from Krystal. But it doesn’t get to take everything.

For Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I’m joined by my friend Krystal with a K, a three-time cancer survivor, two-time breast cancer survivor, host of Plot Twist: Still Alive, and co-founder of Find Your Epic After.

Content note: This episode contains explicit language and frank conversations about cancer, abuse, death, grief, sexuality, medical procedures and body image.

This conversation goes far beyond breast cancer awareness.

Krystal and I talk about what happens when surviving changes you, and why trying to return to the person you were before cancer may be impossible. We get into survivor’s guilt, recurrence anxiety, grief, parenting after trauma, body image, losing sensation after breast surgery, sexuality after cancer, reconstruction, self-advocacy, and the complicated reality of being grateful to be alive while still grieving everything cancer took from you.

We also laugh. A lot.

Because life after something hard isn’t only about what happened to you. It’s also about deciding what happens next.

As Krystal puts it:

“Cancer took so much from me. You don’t get to fucking take any more time than I’m willing to give you.”

In this episode, we talk about:

• Krystal’s experience surviving cancer three times, beginning with childhood cancer• Being diagnosed with breast cancer at 32 and facing breast cancer again years later• Why surviving and actually learning how to live afterward are two different things• Her “fuck it list” and choosing to experience life while you’re here• Why comparing your hardest experience to someone else’s can invalidate your own pain• Parenting after cancer and an abusive relationship• Speaking publicly about trauma and reclaiming your own story• Losing friends to cancer and the complicated reality of survivor’s guilt• Recurrence anxiety and living with fear without allowing it to consume your life• Mastectomy, reconstruction, body image, sensation and sexuality after breast cancer• Why cancer can make your body feel like it no longer belongs to you• Finding doctors who understand breast reconstruction and asking questions until you understand your options• The creation of Find Your Epic After and the importance of spaces where survivors don’t have to explain why they’re struggling• Breast self-awareness and knowing what is normal for your body• Advocating for yourself when you know something isn’t right• Giving yourself permission to become someone different after everything changes

CONNECT WITH KRYSTAL

Plot Twist: Still AliveKrystal’s podcast explores cancer, grief, abuse, life’s uncomfortable plot twists and the dark humor that sometimes helps us survive them.

Website:

https://www.plottwiststillalive.com/

Find Your Epic AfterKrystal and Stacy created Find Your Epic After around the idea that you don’t have to return to the person you were before something difficult happened. Their retreats and workshops are designed to help women affected by cancer explore who they are now, build connection and find support as they move forward.

https://www.happilyepicafter.com/epic-retreatsmain

Finding Your Breast SelvesKrystal also talks about the original three-episode podcast she created with Stacy and their late friend Jen. The conversations include chemotherapy, sex and intimacy, and the experience of living with breast cancer.

BREAST SELF-AWARENESS RESOURCES

Krystal talks about “Feel It on the First” and the importance of becoming familiar with how your breasts normally look and feel so you can recognize changes.

National Breast Cancer Foundation: Breast Self-Exam Guidehttps://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/breast-self-exam/

https://www.plottwiststillalive.com/post/master-of-plot-twists-test-those-breasts

Test Those Breasts!Krystal also mentions Jamie Vaughn and Test Those Breasts!, a nonprofit and podcast focused on breast health education, early awareness and self-advocacy.

https://testthosebreasts.org/

Breast self-awareness does not replace recommended screenings or medical care. If you notice a new or unusual change in your breast or chest, talk with a healthcare professional.

MORE FROM THE SURVIVOR’S EDIT

The Survivor’s Edit is about the lives we rebuild after everything changes.

Read the essays, listen to the podcast, and find resources for navigating life during and after the hard things:

https://thesurvivorsedit.com/

Just diagnosed with cancer?After the Diagnosis is my free practical guide for navigating the first overwhelming weeks after a cancer diagnosis, including questions for your doctors, organizing medical information, insurance, work, accepting help and more.

https://thesurvivorsedit.com/after-the-diagnosis/

If this conversation made you think of someone, send it to them. And if these are the kinds of conversations you’ve been looking for, subscribe to The Survivor’s Edit so you don’t miss what’s next.

This podcast shares personal experiences and is for informational purposes only. It is not medical advice. Questions about your health, screening, treatment or reconstruction should be discussed with qualified healthcare professionals.

The Survivor’s Edit | Weslea O’Connor is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Not everything we survive gets called survival.

Some experiences threaten our lives. Others threaten the life we thought we were going to have.

In this episode of The Survivor’s Edit, I’m talking about the experiences that created a before and after in my own life, including divorce, pregnancy loss, infertility, grief, career changes, and cancer, and why I’ve started thinking differently about what it means to survive something.

I talk about the parts that often happen after everyone else thinks the hard part is over: trying to figure out who you are now, grieving a future you once imagined, learning to trust yourself and your life again, and realizing that moving on may not actually be the goal.

Because survival isn’t always about getting back to who you were before.

Sometimes it’s about becoming who you are now.

In this episode:• The experiences we survive that we don’t always recognize as survival• Why some experiences threaten the future we thought we would have• Divorce, pregnancy loss, infertility, grief, and cancer• What survival mode has looked like in my own life• Why the aftermath can be harder than people realize• Grieving the life you thought you would have while still being grateful for the life you have• Why I’m not sure “moving on” is the right goal• The experiences that stay with us long after the crisis has passed

The Survivor’s Edit is about what happens after something changes you, when everyone else thinks the story is over.

Read more, listen to the podcast, and find resources from The Survivor’s Edit:

https://thesurvivorsedit.com

Being told you have cancer changes everything in an instant.

But what happens next?

In this episode of The Survivor’s Edit, I’m sharing the story of how I finally got my cancer diagnosis after years of knowing something wasn’t right, normal blood work, swollen lymph nodes, multiple doctors, and a long road to getting answers.

I also talk about what happens after you hear the words, “You have cancer.”

Because when I was diagnosed, I didn’t know what I was supposed to do next.

Who do I call? What questions should I ask? Should I get a second opinion?

That experience is why I created After the Diagnosis, a free practical guide for people who have recently been diagnosed with cancer and the people supporting them.

Inside, I walk through some of the things I wish someone had helped me understand in those first overwhelming weeks, including:

• Your first priorities after diagnosis• Preparing for appointments• Getting organized• Considering a second opinion• Navigating work, money, and insurance• Accepting help• The emotional reality of cancer• What to focus on during your first 30 days• Resources for patients and their support teams

I also created a collection of printable worksheets to help you keep track of questions for your doctors, medications and supplements, appointments, scans and tests, insurance calls, medical contacts, your support system, and more.

After the Diagnosis is completely free.

I made it because it’s the resource I wish someone had handed me when I was diagnosed.

If you’ve recently been diagnosed, I hope it makes this part of the road a little easier. And if someone you love has just been diagnosed, please share this with them.

Download After the Diagnosis and the free printable worksheets at TheSurvivorsEdit.com.

🎙️ The Survivor’s Edit with Weslea O’Connor

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When life feels especially heavy, what actually helps you get through the day?

For me, it has been everything from journaling, movement, saffron tea, and good friends to the approximately 20 cancer blankets people gave me during treatment. And, of course, Dolly, my very snorty French bulldog and cancer puppy.

None of these things can fix cancer, grief, loss, or whatever difficult season you are trying to survive. But sometimes they can make one moment feel a little lighter.

What gets you through does not need to be impressive, productive, profound, or even understandable to anyone but you.

Whatever it is, if it helps you reach tomorrow, it matters.

My Saffron Earl Grey Tea

Ingredients

* 1½ cups water

* 2 cardamom pods, crushed

* 6–8 saffron threads, crushed

* 1–2 tablespoons loose-leaf Earl Grey tea, depending on your preference

* Milk of choice

* Sweetener of choice (I use honey)

Directions

* Bring the water to a boil, then reduce the heat.

* Add the crushed cardamom pods.

* Crush the saffron threads between two spoons, stir them into the water, and let steep for 2 minutes.

* Add the loose-leaf Earl Grey tea and let steep for 3–4 minutes.

* Add your milk and sweetener, then let everything steep for another 3 minutes.

* Strain and serve.

Music licensed through Soundstripe.Code: 1XIBZRR50APWISR2, KQEPVZCXUIZWLEOM

Finding the right therapist can feel overwhelming, especially if you’ve never been to therapy before. Where do you start? What should you ask? And how do you know when you’ve found the right person?

In this mini episode of The Survivor’s Edit Podcast, I’m joined by clinical social worker Amy Gottheimer to talk about what to consider when looking for a therapist.

We talk about where to search, why it’s okay to interview potential therapists, finding someone with experience relevant to what you’re going through, and how to recognize whether the relationship is actually working for you.

We also talk about something I had to learn myself: you’re allowed to have preferences and boundaries in therapy. You can say when something doesn’t feel right. And if the fit isn’t there, it’s okay to move on.

Because finding support is important. Finding the right support matters too.

A cancer diagnosis comes with a lot of doctor appointments, scans, tests and eventually a treatment plan. What it doesn’t come with is a guidebook for how to actually navigate this new version of your life.

In this episode, I’m sharing the things I wish I’d known in those first days and weeks after my diagnosis, from the questions I didn’t know to ask and the pressure to figure everything out immediately, to giving yourself permission to feel however you feel.

And this isn’t only for the person who was diagnosed. It’s for the spouses, partners, family members, friends and caregivers trying to figure out how to actually help.

If you’ve recently been diagnosed, or love someone who has, I hope this episode gives you a place to start. 🤍

Learn more about After the Diagnosis:

After the Diagnosis

We talk a lot about surviving “the thing.” There’s far less talk about how to rebuild after.

In this episode, I’m joined by my longtime friend Amy, a clinical social worker who has spent more than 20 years working with people navigating trauma, crisis, transition, and major life change.

We talk about what resilience can actually cost us, why support often disappears before we’re ready for it to, and the pressure to get “back to normal” when normal may not exist anymore.

We also talk about identity, the complicated and sometimes contradictory emotions that come with survival, and finding hope without forcing ourselves to be positive.

Amy said something while we were talking that stayed with me: You can’t cross the same river twice.

The river has changed. And so have you.

The work is less about trying to get back to who you were...

It’s figuring out who you are now.

Connect with Amy:The Intentional WellnessAll the Feels

What happens after you survive the thing that changed your life?

In the first episode of The Survivor’s Edit Podcast, I’m introducing the Survival Gap, an idea I’ve been pondering for a long time. It’s the space between getting through something and figuring out what life looks like in the after.

Cancer made me recognize it, but it also made me realize it wasn’t my first experience with survival. And my guess is, it probably isn’t yours either.

The Survivor’s Edit | Weslea O’Connor is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.