The Time Traveler's Guide to NOT Getting Caught

Now that my dad and I successfully brought two pirates to justice, it was time for us to usurp their roles in Blackbeard's crew.  When we got on his ship, Blackbeard told us he was planning on attacking a British fleet and would then take the loot to his secret hiding place, which was perfect for us because we really wanted to discover his long lost treasure.  Things seemed like they were going pretty well until they took a turn for the worse, leaving my dad and me in an epic battle against Blackbeard...well, I guess it wasn't that epic, but kinda epic when compared to the rest of my travels.

After bringing Jack the Ripper to justice, my dad and I decided to become pirates of the Caribbean, which I'm sure needs no explanation because obviously anyone would naturally come to that same decision.  So we went back to 1718 and became members of Blackbeard's crew to discover his long lost treasure.  A lot of incredibly fascinating things happen on this journey, as well as a few unfascinating things, which is why the chapter got split into two delicious episodes...YAYYYY!!!

Still reeling from the incredible discovery behind the JFK assassination, my dad and I decide we want to make another cool discovery, so we travel back to The Industrial Revolution to find out the true identity of Jack the Ripper, and you know, maybe in the process, bring him to justice.  And that's what we did...we did exactly that...I don't know why I have all the ellipses which makes it seem like my dad and I didn't actually do it.  I mean, we did.  The dot dot dots are meant to add mystery to the sentence, like this one...

Now that I convinced my dad to not go back in time and raise me, we both agreed we should take a journey back to Dallas and discover who really killed JFK.  And I gotta say, this was a crazy adventure, or at least as crazy as any other adventure I went on.  I know it seems kinda obvious for a time traveler to go back in time and do something that involves the JFK assassination, but you really gotta stop being so judgmental when it comes to my adventures.  I'm SORRY I went back in time and did something so obvious!  It's not like I went on my adventures thinking what some random listener in the future might think.

Okay, so this is a weird episode, and thats saying something because I didn't even think it was that weird when I went back and had an almost fourway with my dad and two Nazi women on the Hindenburg.  My dad was feeling super guilty about abandoning me as a child and wanted to go back and raise me in order to make things right, but the problem was, I kinda liked my life and didn't want everything to change.  So I had to convince my dad to not NOT abandon me.

Some might see my getting captured by the Aztecs as some sort of Karmic retribution for having a sorta fourway with my dad and two Nazis on the Hindenburg, but it was honestly just a bit of bad luck getting taken by the natives.  I'll tell you this about being a prisoner...it isn't fun.  I know that isn't the most enlightening thought, but it was a super traumatic experience and it isn't something I like to talk about a lot, mainly because it was super boring being locked in a cage.  But that isn't to say this episode is boring at all, because when ranked amongst all the other chapters, it's definitely somewhere in the middle, but just like Malcolm, and that threesome I had in 1944, sometimes it's great to be in the middle.

Now that I had successfully shown my dad all my great adventures, it was time for us to have a grand adventure of our own!  It was a pretty obvious choice for us to visit the Hindenburg and see it explode, but I had no idea we would actually go aboard the dirigible and kinda sorta get stuck on it.  But aside from our near death experience, my dad and I had a lot of fun.  We meet some hot Nazi women aboard the Hindenburg and decide to try to have sex with them because...you know...Hitler deserved it.  And if for some reason you think it's wrong for my dad and me to pursue hot Nazi women, that means you're somehow taking Hitler's side, and do you really want to be on the same side as Hitler?

Now that I had a daddy, I wanted to show him all of my time traveling adventures, especially that threesome I had with those two lonely housewives in 1944.  Because when you meet your long lost father, the first thing you want him to see, is you having a threesome.  Some people might claim this episode is nothing more than a clip show, but how dare they accuse me of doing something as lazy as wasting an entire week on regurgitated material!  Shame on them!  SHAME!

Yes, it's true, the man who left me my time traveling watch was my dad [DUN DUN DUNNNN].  Now for those of you who aren't listening week to week and accidentally saw this synopsis before you watched the previous episode, I bet you're feeling pretty foolish right now for getting such a great mystery spoiled.  Let this be a lesson for you that I am most definitely going to spoil previous episodes in my synopses, and why are you even reading the synopsis of a future episode?  That's really weird.  Anyway, the guy claims to be my dad but I need proof before I call him daddy, so he shows me proof by taking us back to when he met my mother.

After future me got touched by Jesus in a totally appropriate way, he decided he was ready to move on with his life and start a family, which was totally great for him, but kinda sucked for me because I lost my best friend.  Losing myself made me contemplate the big questions in life, like who left the time traveling watch behind the dumpster.  And so, I set out to discover the greatest mystery of my life!