Have you ever had a moment that split your life into before and after? A distinct moment so sharp, so defining, that you could feel the line it carved right through your story? There was the you before and the you after. And in between, the moment you realize nothing will ever feel the same again.
That was my door. And what's wild is, I was supposed to be halfway across the world.
Welcome back to the unfolding podcast. Real talk about self-discovery, healing, and what it means to come home to yourself. I'm your host and friend, Yvonne Wink. I'll be dropping new episodes every Monday because, well, I think the start of the week should feed your soul, not just your to-do list. Okay. Back to that poignant moment I was talking about earlier. So after everything I'd survived, death, divorce, financial collapse, heartbreak,
I didn't need another self-help book. I lots of those. I mean, I love them, but I didn't need another one. I needed a life lab. Well, technically I needed and wanted a lobotomy, but apparently my new insurance wouldn't cover it. instead I settled for something almost as radical. I was numb and needing to feel something again. So earlier this year I did what any somewhat sane, middle-aged and mildly heartbroken woman would do. I packed my grief, my journals and my courage into a carry-on. And I booked a one-way ticket across the world.
One turned into multiple and before I knew it, I was on a year long pilgrimage. Every country became a chapter in my resurrection. Thailand softened me, elephant sanctuaries, salt water sunshine, and alone time with my daughter Taylor. Bali humbled me. I met a medicine man who I swear saw right through my soul. He told me, you're not broken. You're remembering. Greece demanded strength I didn't know I had, both hiking cliffs that mirrored the steep climb back to myself and my first experience of danger as a female solo traveler. Portugal, it was sweet to me. It gave me sunsets that whispered, keep going. Mexico reminded me I wasn't lost at all.
I was supported and loved by family. had visited ten cities with various family members, my brother and sister-in-law celebrating his birthday and my cousin and our daughters, just gathering pieces of our truths and just being supported by a fierce group of women on that last trip to Mexico. Italy reminded me that I could love again, specifically Florence. Singapore, Tokyo, Malaysia, Turkey, all very short trips throughout the journey but
They inspired me and centered me, nourished me, amazed me. And the Philippines, that one was personal. The Philippines brought me home to my father's laughter, to my mother's memory, and to myself. I missed my mom deeply there. My dad and his new wife threw a surprise birthday party for me. It was so sweet. For one night, I was surrounded by laughter and love and food and karaoke. I felt my mom's love through him, through my dad. It's like she found a way to show up anyway. My mom is one to never miss a good party. But I hadn't just been traveling. I was rebuilding. Each country was giving me back a piece of myself that I didn't know I'd lost. And somewhere between temples and the tears,
I realized being alone wasn't something to fear. It was sacred. For the first time in my adult life, I wasn't defined by who I loved, but by who I was becoming. So country by country, I was remembering who I was without anyone else's voice in my head. And I was moving without a map and somehow finding home everywhere I went. In airports, dragging my life through security lines, I discovered a strength that only has to wake up when it has no choice. Resilience became my carry-on.
Somewhere between the flights and the foreign streets, I realized I had never truly been alone before. And for the first time, I was beginning to prefer it.
Bali wasn't just a place. It was, I feel like it was preparation. It was the whisper before the storm, the grounding before that gut punch, a mirror showing me what safety could feel like so that when I returned home and it was ripped away, because it was, I would know the difference.
And in the sleepless hours of travel, I studied psychology, thinking I was preparing for a degree. Attachment theory, trauma bonding, cognitive dissonance. Turns out I was cramming for survival. Because the real test of everything I'd learned wasn't in a book. It wasn't even out there on foreign soil, across oceans. It was waiting for me back home. It was waiting behind one door. Disguised as love wrapped in promises and destined to break me.
It was him.
We'd been circling each other for years, breaking, mending, breaking again. This time we'd been apart for a while. No contact, no check-ins, just pure silence. And that time I'd really believed it was over. Until days before I was set to leave the country. That's when he called. He begged me not to go. In fact, he said that this had always been his issue with me. That every time I boarded a plane, he felt triggered, unchosen, like I was abandoning him. He said it was a helpless feeling knowing he couldn't reach me if something went wrong. And logically, I understood. I could see how loving someone who's always on the move, always on the go, always in motion, might feel uncertain or safe.
Somewhere in that conversation I began to feel the hook, the familiar guilt, and I almost convinced myself maybe it was me. Maybe if I could just fix this one thing, if I could just stay still, grounded, just stay home, maybe this time we'd finally get it right.
This trip was different. This was a pilgrimage, and I knew I had to go. And I did. We stayed loosely in touch, a few texts, small talk, that familiar drip of connection that keeps hope alive.
But I decided midway through my trip to make that detour he requested. Cause I was a fool who still believed love could be negotiated. I thought I would just make this small temporary detour. I wanted to show him he mattered. It was perfect timing. I had to come home anyway and deal with some medical issues, but really it was a test of love. It was my grand gesture.
What he didn't know was I was surprising him and coming home a day early. This was my see, I choose you moment. Just the day before he texted, I love you. And we hadn't exchanged those words in forever.
He said that he could see a future with me, that he wanted a future with me, and that with this time and space between us, lots of change, growth, and healing from both sides, he said, I think we could finally get this right.
The truth? He hadn't changed at all. He was running the same game he always had. Bread-crumbing me with just enough softness to keep me tethered. A late night text. A flash of tenderness. A hint of the man from the beginning. I'd lean in and then like clockwork he'd vanish, ghost me for days. And when he reappeared, he'd bite. Sharp words. Accusations. Contempt.
The cycle was cruel, predictable, and devastatingly effective.
That's how toxic love works. It follows a pattern. First, they idealize you. Mirror everything you love about yourself back at you until you're glowing in the reflection. Then comes the devaluation. The quiet distance wrapped in, hey, back away, I just need some space. The mixed messages, the one minute they need you close, they want you close, they're drawing you in. The next they're pushing you away saying, hey, back up, I'm trying to process.
And somehow it's always your fault. If you hadn't reacted, if you didn't have these feelings, right? If you had just said things differently, they wouldn't be yelling at you. They wouldn't have berated you, withdrawn or shut down. You start explaining your tone instead of expressing your truth. And lastly, the discard. They pull away completely. leaving you gasping for the next hit of the person they once pretended to be. They essentially crash the car and abandon the wreckage, leaving you inside. And if they're super, super sweet, kind, and fluffy, they come back, they pop back over and pour some gasoline, flick a match, and walk away.
And just when you claw your way out of the wreckage and start to recover and heal, they suck you right back in with a text, a memory, a sudden, I miss you. It's not random. It's conditioning. Your brain learns to chase the highs because the lows feel unbearable.
You don't fall in love with the person, you fall in love with the relief of their temporary kindness. That's not love. That's survival.
Okay, back to the door, back to my surprise, my surprise visit home. Okay. I drove straight to his house, straight from the airport. No shower, no pause, no mercy and no thoughts. Clearly. My heart wasn't just pounding. It was performing CPR on my hope. And as I pulled up and parked across the street, I just stared into the house that I once called home.
I knew that house too well and that house knew me. It knew my energy and my essence. But this night, it felt hostile.
I knew the pattern of the lights, the way the shadows moved across the shutters. And I knew what dim lights meant. And this night, that glow, it was different. And my body knew it before my mind would let it land. Something's waiting for you behind that door, Yvonne, and it's not love.
My gut started to twist. It was warning me, don't go in there. But I did.
And just as I halfway stepped out of my car, one foot out and one foot in the car, a neighbor clips me with his car.
I wish I could say that I added this for the drama, but this was all real. Metal crunched, I go flying in the air and then I come down and hit the pavement. Skin splits, palms raw, knees throbbing. I called him. No answer. I texted him, Hey, I was just in an accident right in front of your house, which I'm sure he probably heard, but no reply. Bloody, bruised, but determined, I picked myself up off that pavement, palms dripping, streaking red as I wiped them off onto my torn yoga pants. My phone stayed dark. No reply, no lifeline. No one was coming to save me.
So I turned my focus back to the driveway because I have a mission to accomplish, but that driveway thing rose. It rose before me like a mountain. Each step felt heavier than the last. I was army crawling my way up that driveway. My chest is on fire. My lungs clawing for air. Every heartbeat thundered louder like a drum roll announcing my arrival.
I knocked with every ounce I had left in me. The door cracked open. It was him. He stepped outside, slithering between the door and the screen, blocking my view inside.
Surprise, I said with my voice shaking. Can I come in? He looked me dead in the eyes and said, no.
I asked, do you have someone inside? He said yes.
ice in my veins. My entire body went numb.
And I went through all the whys. Why? I asked. Why tell me you love me? The same man who texted, love you yesterday. Now look me dead in the eye and said, I never told you I loved you. As he twisted his lips toward the door loud enough so she could hear. I held my phone up to his face. Like I was holding a cross to a vampire proof. The proof was glowing in his face. He just sneered.
That was a goodbye text. was only saying goodbye for good. Okay, then I asked, why drive me to the airport? Why try to kiss me three times? I pulled away each time. I offered to drive you as my final goodbye. And yes, I tried kissing you, but that was also a final kiss. All of it was me saying goodbye to you. I didn't want to see you anymore. As he smirked, his teeth were red from cheap wine.
Lousy country music bleeding through the walls of his house. I kept asking the whys, but it was my final why, right? Why lie? Why say you wanted a future with me? Why after knowing I was putting my travel plans on hold for you, why let that happen? He just shrugged his shoulders. I want her. I'm attracted to her. She makes me happy. She makes me laugh.
The knife twist even deeper. I've also been seeing other women. I'm meeting women at bars now, younger ones too. It's been nice knowing that these young, attractive women find me funny and attractive.
We stood there in the cold. Maybe 10 minutes. But it felt like hours. I swear the air between us froze, and then like flipping a switch, he softened. I'm sorry, he said. It's not what you think. I do love you. She's inconsequential. You're the love of my life.
Emotional whiplash, cruelty to tenderness in one breath! I just stared at him unflinching. Am I supposed to be grateful? I mean, I'm a woman. I'm a girl's girl, a mother raising daughters. And knowing you see another woman as a placeholder, that doesn't make me feel chosen. It shatters me.
And in that moment, something in me did shatter, but it wasn't weakness. It was an awakening. My heart broke just enough for the truth to slip through. This wasn't love. It was warfare. Emotional whiplash so sharp, my body didn't know whether to run or to reach for him.
And in that moment, standing there in the cold, I realized something important. I had never questioned my worth.
See, I know he didn't choose her because she was better. He chose her because she was easy, easier and not in a disrespectful way, but because she didn't know him yet. She didn't know the truth of him. She hadn't been behind the scenes like I have for years. She hadn't been behind the charm or held up the mirror yet. With her, he could stay small, stay unexamined, stay mediocre and uncomfortable.
I challenged him to rise. And when someone isn't ready to meet their own reflection, they'll always run toward what doesn't require growth. He wasn't choosing love. He was choosing comfort.
And that's the moment I knew his choice had nothing to do with my value and everything to do with his capacity.
Here's the medicine. All those years, he didn't just break my heart. He trained me to question my own memory, to crave the apology more than the safety, to believe words over patterns, to mistake adrenaline for passion, chaos for chemistry, volatility for love. It's a slow conditioning. Think of it like a slot machine.
That machine that just keeps you pulling the lever. You're hoping each time this is the big win. And every once in a while you do, you get it. You get the big hit. Maybe a sweet text, an apology that feels genuine. A good day with them. And your brain lights up for getting all the losses in between. That's how they train you. Not through the pain, but through the unpredictable relief.
That night, I felt the first crack in the training and the beginning of the unlearning. And I walked away different, not bitter, clear, not broken, awake. And now that awakening became the medicine I teach. Here's what I've learned about heartbreak. There's no shortcut through it. You can't bypass it. Numb it. Outthink it. Outsmart it.
You can only walk right through it, right through the fire with your head held high and your chest out. Because pain isn't punishment. It's information. We delay healing for a variety of reasons, but the most profound is because we don't want to accept people as they are. He showed me exactly who he was from the beginning, but I kept clinging to his potential, to the fantasy that I built in my head, not the reality standing in front of me.
He's apologized ad nauseam and still does, but apologies are who you want to be. Those words are who you want to be. Changed behavior is who you actually are. He said sorry 10,000 times, but he's never showed sorry once. That truth hurt, but it also freed me because the moment you stop trying to love someone's potential,
You get to make space for someone who can meet your reality. That's when the unfolding begins. Not when they change, but when you do.
Here's your unfolding. The door isn't here to punish you. It's here to free you. But freedom rarely feels like victory at first. It feels like loss. It sucks. It hurts. Like silence after the storm. When all you can hear is your own heartbeat asking, now what?
You can ignore the door for a long time, I did. The signs were there. When their words don't match their actions. Subtle digs. Repeated betrayals. The way your body tenses every time you have to explain why you deserve to be treated better.
We keep telling ourselves, if I just love harder, forgive quicker, soften more, maybe they'd meet me where I am.
See, it was easy for him to lead me on, betray me, and even abandon me. Because he'd been betraying and abandoning himself for years. And there was no way that he could safely love me, because he didn't love himself. He'd been showing me for years he couldn't match my love, my energy, or my growth. That was the real test. Not to get him to change, but to stop betraying myself, to prove I was worth keeping.
This was my moment to break the pattern, to end the cycle of generations of women who mistook endurance for devotion and thought loyalty meant self abandonment. And I did it. but not out of anger, but out of reverence for the woman I was becoming. That's not closure. It's evolution. It's unfolding. And now
I know what love and safety should feel like because I've cultivated it within myself. And I know that love is patient, it's kind, it's peaceful, it's consistent, and it's honest. And I'll never, ever settle for confusion again.
Here's your integration practice. Do this with me. Place your hand on your heart and say this. I release the story that love has to hurt. I honor what it taught me and I'm ready to choose peace instead, and let that truth land and settle in your body. That's not the end of love. That's the beginning of freedom. That's the sound of the unfolding.
I want to leave you with an affirmation today.
I no longer chase potential. I believe what people show me the first time. And I trust that truth will always lead me home.
Thank you for unfolding with me today. I'm Yvonne Wink, your host, friend, and maybe your mirror today. If this episode met you at your own door, share it with someone you might, or someone that you know might still be knocking on a door that no longer opens. New episodes drop every Monday. Next week, the aftershock. What happens after the collapse? After the truth lands and the dust settles. How do we begin again?
But before that, have a bonus episode coming this November 11th, 11/11 at 11:11. It's a special day for intention, a portal for clarity, courage, and conscious resets. Until then, breathe deep, stay open, and keep unfolding.
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