The Wash with Dalton Smiley

Dylan's making condiment pasta and I just want to sit and eat in my car in PEACE. This week, we're ready to unpack all of our favorite things. FOOD. Specifically Fast Food and how they've lost the whimsy...

Dylan Carlino (@dylanpcarlino) joins me to unpack why the booths are bolted to the ground, the beauty of a questionable late-night meal, and the devastating realization that restaurants simply aren't fun anymore.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This week on The Wash, we’re judging people by their hairstyles because it really is that serious. Your hair is an ARTFORM and your hairdresser is Picasso. From bobs and mullets to bangs and karen cuts, we’re breaking down what your hair says about your personality, your red flags, and your likelihood of ruining someone’s life. Plus, a brand-new segment: TWO CENTS, where we call people up to get their unsolicited opinions on today's load!

COME take a spin at The Wash!!!!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Be prepared for the SPOOKIEST episode yet ft the SCARIEST *cat* ever -- The Cat in the HAT!!! (The 2003 live action version of course) 🎃 It's spooky season, and you know I've got thoughts. This week, we're talking favorite Halloween candy, trick-or-treating etiquette, the kids ADDICTED to sugar, and Fall Fest?! OH and you know I love a side tangent. so a few words about bad restaurant service, because apparently doing the bare minimum is too much to ask.

Grab your candy stash, get comfortable, and let's go for a spin at The Wash. 🧺

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This week at The Wash, we're joined by comedian, clown, and professional chaos agent Zach Zucker, who's got a brand-new show Stamptown out now on Netflix! The variety show isn't the only thing we're chatting about... We get into clown school (the valedictorians and those flunking out), touring the world, and creating a completely hilarious, spontaneous, raunchy variety show unlike anything you've ever seen before.

It's a wild one...get ready to clown at the wash!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This week has been a LOT...I know a bowl of soup would heal me. From a woman driving her car onto a Tesla while I'm trying to enjoy a hike, to an oil change that somehow costs $3,000, to Saint having a full-blown meltdown at the vet--BUCKLE UP.

And that's exactly what we're talking about. This week, we're giving soup the attention and respect it deserves. Why do we love it so much? Why does it multiply? Why are there approximately 47,000 kinds? What are the rules of soup? And most importantly, what actually qualifies as soup? We're getting to the bottom of it all. Grab a spoon. It's time to get things off our chest.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

NEW LAUNDROMAT?!?!? OMG I can't believe it!!!! Welcome to our new HOME! I can't wait to have you!!

APPARENTLY, I started a war by saying pumpkins are vegetables (which they are bc i'm always right no matter what the science says...)

After receiving an unreasonable amount of calls, texts, DMs, carrier pigeons, I decided to do what any normal person would do: investigate the entire fruit vs. vegetable situation once and for all.

What actually makes something a fruit? What about a vegetable? Why is a cucumber involved? And what the hell is a pumpkin? I'm going over what exactly IS a fruit and vegetable in my eyes and then what the science says (and why it's wrong!). The answer of some of these will shock you.

Everything comes out at the wash...even the produce???

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We need to talk...about TALKING and how NO ONE does it right!!!

This week on The Wash, we’re getting into the extremely serious world of emails, phone calls, text messages, voice memos, in-person meetings… and, obviously, carrier pigeons. I'm ranking them bottom-to-top and I can't wait to hear what you think.

I have thoughts about all of them. Offices are ridiculous. Why are emails just group texts ??? Phone calls are boring...we deserve CREATIVITY. Group texts are a violation of my personal freedoms. Voice memos are quite literally the most insane invention of our generation.

And honestly? I think we need to bring back the pigeon.

Plus, we’re talking about my extremely annoying wrist injury, and saying goodbye to THIS laundromat for the last time. 🥲

Come clock in and take a spin at The Wash!!!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

fall, Fall, FALLLLLLL!!!! I'm ready to talk about it. 🍂

Get your a$$ to the store and buy those pumpkins because it's time to DECORATE! Why are we not decorating every house for fall? Why do big houses get to sit there looking completely normal when they have SIX BEDROOMS and absolutely no pumpkins on the porch? That should be illegal.

Then there’s pumpkin spice and it's oozing from every crack in the world right now. But can we be honest?! There are SO many better spices. Cinnamon? Hello? Apple? Nutmeg? Maple? Pecan?? HELLO??? We need to expand our horizons.

This load of the wash I'm also coming clean about the time I lied about my name at a coffee shop (it's still haunting me). I'm in my fall sweater even though it's 99 degrees because we should dress for the weather we want instead of the one we have!

This load is the best because it’s chaotic, it’s seasonal, it’s deeply opinionated...why? because it’s FALL. 🍁

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

OMG FALL IS HERE!!!! But I'm not ready to let go of summer just yet. I've been stewing over everyones vacations this summer and I've got thoughts. Because when I go on vacation, I'm just paying a ridiculous amount of money to temporarily become a different person(and I love that).

This week, we're getting into the absolute magic of vacations: cruise ships (that are essentially floating Lego sets), all-inclusive resorts where every meal is free-ish, charging literally anything to your hotel room, and why you MUST splurge on the hotel room. We’re talking hotel bath robes, freezing cold rooms, unnecessary amenities, and the deeply important question of why some hotels refuse to make the room cold enough.

Plus: Disney for a honeymoon. Romantic? Magical? Relaxing? Absolutely...NOT.

It’s vacation logic. Don’t think about it too hard. Just charge it to the room.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's time we acknowledge, Fast Food used to be FUN!!!!

In this episode, we’re celebrating the pinnacle of fast food (aka my childhood). The good, the bad, the ugly, and baby--the NOSTALGIA! And of course I'm taking this opportunity as my chance to give you my opinion on the all-time favorites, hidden gems, the best things to order, the absolute atrocities you should avoid, and more!

And because apparently we can’t have one conversation without going completely off the rails (like always lol), we also talk about Dolly Parton, my white women Mount Rushmore, and several other things that have absolutely nothing to do with hamburgers.

So grab some fries and pull forward.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices