Traditional social media managers make grand promises of growing your internet presence exponentially. They work for million-dollar brands, pushing $75 hair oil and leggings with the butt cut out into the shopping carts of unsuspecting slobs. But not me. I don't work for influencers, or brands, or really anyone who wants more social media followers. I work for the common scroller who realized one day that the internet would be a vastly better place if Aunt Jean stopped commenting "looks like you've been eating well" on your vacation pictures. Are you sick of being perceived online? If so, I am the social media manager for you. If you hire me to run your profiles, I guarantee I will drastically decrease your online presence in 3-5 business days. I'm like Superman if he rescued you from a burning building and then dropped you into the middle of the Atlantic. Or like Batman, doing whatever it is that Batman does. For guaranteed results, I use the SLOP method. SLOP isn't an acronym. SLOP is a meticulously researched and scientifically-backed social media strategy that involves me posting pictures of SLOP to your social feeds every 15 minutes for 30 days. My clients have seen unprecedented success once I implement the SLOP method. When your followers suddenly become spammed with pixelated pictures of buckets and buckets overflowing with unidentifiable grey goop, their follower count will drop faster than a closeted Republican Senator's pants in the bathroom of a Milwaukee, Wisconsin gay bar. Not satisfied with complete irrelevance and want to upgrade to the "Banned Forever" package for just $75 more? You got it. I will change your username on every platform to @luvgenocide12. I will give myself an oozing elbow rash and post it to your LinkedIn. I will post a picture of cat vomit to your local buy and sell group with the caption "Anyone have any ideas?" and get you kicked out forever. There is no Facebook post from 2009 that I won't comment "miss those days, take me back" on. There is no pyramid scheme that I will not post on your Instagram in exchange for special cream to clear up the self-inflicted oozing elbow rash. Just DM me your social media passwords, bank passwords, and social security number, and I'll instantaneously blow up your online presence, steal your identity, and hop on the quickest flight to a country with no U.S. extradition laws. The only platform I don't manage is Twitter. If you want to decrease your Twitter engagement, just tweet.

Congratulations on purchasing your new Cloneique Doppelringer3000. As with any new household addition, there are bound to be a few questions. Here at Cloneique, Inc. we have the expert support and useful tips needed to help you make the most of your whole new you. FAQ How do I turn this thing on? Is it easy to train my clone to do simple household tasks (clean the dishes, do the laundry, etc.)? What is the best way to introduce my friends and family to my clone? Is it ok to bring my clone into the workplace? Is it safe for my clone to work long hours? Are these the right hands? These hands seem way too big. Why does everyone seem to prefer the company of my clone? Why is my clone so much more physically imposing and intimidating than I am? Was it really necessary to make my clone this strong? My wife and the clone are certainly hitting it off. Which is good… right? My clone has just been made supervisor of my department. Will this give me a leg up in my career? I've recently found myself unemployed. Is it possible to adjust my monthly payment plan with Cloneique, Inc? Great news! My clone has agreed to hire me to do odd jobs around the house! Can you recommend a good laundry detergent? That detergent you suggested, how does it do with blood stains? Is there any way you might be able to remove all records of my reaching out to Cloneique, Inc? I'd sure hate for the clone to find out about all these questions. Also, how do I delete the search history from my browser? (Gasp) The clone is home early! Looks like he's been out drinking with his clone buddies!! I-I gotta go!! WHAT'S HE DOING HOME SO EARLY?!?! ……. This morning I woke up in the clone box. Is there any way to open it from the inside? Is there a latch or something? hello?

Great Expectorations Moby-Drip Slime and Punishment Jane Eyre-ache Tissue of the d'Ubervilles Spittle House on the Prairie The Adventures of Hackleberry Finn Sinus Marner The Fever Dream of the Red Chamber Catch 22 Viruses Bridesheadache Revisited The Scratcher in the Eye Lord of the Flus The T-cell Count of Monte Cristo Atlas Sneezed The Old Man and the Vitamin C The Brothers Koughintheirheadsoff The Lying, the Itch, and the Microbe Breakfast at Sniffany's The Secrete History Their Eyes Were Watering Good The Cold of the Woosters To Have and Have Snot The Grippes of Wrath A Sickroom of One's Own One Flu Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Dear Nicole, Thank you for submitting your application for "Tender Landings - A Reggio Emilia Tumbling Experience for Tots, Level III." We regret that we are unable to offer your son a space in our program at this time. As you know, preschool tumbling is a coveted, highly competitive and, frankly, undervalued branch of the gymnastic arts. Early childhood gymnastics teaches kids vital life skills like "kicking the big ball they're supposed to balance on" and "sliding down the same Fisher Price slide you have in your backyard, but for $30 a lesson." We received dozens of applications this season and can only admit a small number of gymnasts. This year's applicants were a particularly impressive group. Did you know that Liam Edwards, age 39 months, once performed accidental splits while reaching for his Hot Wheels? Two of this year's applicants can stand on one foot while singing refrains from Moana. One child can juggle. Also, in the "Notable volunteer achievements" portion of your son's application, you wrote "N/A (he's three?!)." Many of our preschool gymnasts are already stalwart pillars of their community. Sally Harris, for example, spent over 10 hours volunteering at the Tales of Kale Urban Farm this year, and only ate two or three pieces of rabbit poop in that time. Furthermore, it has come to our attention that you hit "Submit" on your application 0.0004 seconds after Julie Evans, a local mother of four who, you might note, cuts her kids' snacks into adorable flower shapes after writing in her journal each morning. Whether the 0.0004-second delay was a failure of your inferior Wi-Fi or a testament to your lackluster organizational skills is of no matter to us - we simply go by the numbers, Nicole. Please note that we do not make this decision lightly. We take pride in our role as leaders in athletic pedagogy, springing the next generation flexibly into the future. We thank you for trusting us to adjudicate this process, and also for your non-refundable $25 registration fee. Thankfully, we are able to offer you space on our waitlist, which is only 180-children long. If a space opens up, and those 180 other children decline, and no one else piques our interest in the meantime, your son will be our first choice. Even though we hear he once poured oobleck on the cat. Finally, just mentioning this, take from it what you will, you might note that our state-of-the-art physical learning facility is made possible by many generous donors. We are always accepting inquiries from community-minded philanthropists who wish to enhance the lives of youth with a dignified contribution. Like the Kyle Reid Memorial Balance Beam. Thank you again for considering our program. If you do not wish to remain on the waitlist, we wish you the best of luck in finding alternative summer plans for your son, perhaps in "community multisport," last-ditch haven of stragglers and strays. Sincerely, The Homestretch Centre for Bespoke Gymnastics

Look, hon, I know I forgot to pick up Sally from school, but it wasn't on the calendar. You have to put this stuff on our shared calendar. Same goes for remembering to not get fall-down drunk on the very afternoon I was to collect our daughter. I checked; "Don't have three strong Negronis followed by four even stronger Negronis" was nowhere to be found. Put it on the calendar! That's also what's going on with those unsightly stains in my boxers. Sure, you've repeatedly told me I'm vile and should wipe better. But telling me and putting it on the calendar are two different things. To say nothing of me calling your mom a "useless pig with a weak egg salad recipe." You were diligent about marking that particular day as the anniversary of your beloved dad's death, but you fully neglected to ask I not attack my mother-in-law with concerningly misogynistic aggression. Had you put it on the calendar, I might've known. Toots. Or what about when I was walking? And chewing gum? At the same time? Obviously I can do both, but you gotta put it on the calendar. Preferably as separate entries. To say nothing of when you yelled at me for playing PS5 all day. Had you lowered your lady-voice and simply put an endtime in the calendar, then maybe you'd have a point. But you didn't and don't. And you're blocking the TV. Which brings me to yesterday, when you caught me motorboating your sister. How was I supposed to know you'd come home on your break, quietly creep up the stairs, and interrupt my favorite position? You later admitted you'd had a quote, "lingering suspicion," but I sure as shit haven't seen any repeated boys of suspicion on our shared calendar. I trust you see your error here. You're the woman of the house. The queen of all things domestic. I know I don't tell you this enough, but your job as wifey is the most important one of all. Much more important than your actual job as named partner at your firm. But sweets, I need you to do your job. Which reminds me, hon - gonna need you to add "find job" to the shared calendar so that I might remember to start looking for one. I should probably wrap this up, but you didn't put that on the calendar either, so who even knows? I do notice how you've dramatically whipped out what appears to be a handgun for what seems to be a long-gestating homicide. Though looking at the calendar, I see no mention of oops, nope, there it is. "Finally snapped and will seriously pull this goddamn trigger if you don't leave right now" is, indeed, there. But, oh, wait a sec - you marked it at 4am, not 4pm. Typical. Even though you forgot to schedule me a break, I'm gonna take one. At your sister's. Upstairs hamper's full with my debased Hanes, which I can pickup once you're done with them, and I'm done with her. But for the love of God, doll face, put it on the *bang* Annnnnd, I'm bleeding out. Guess I can add my own death alongside your own birth as milestones I should just somehow know. Christ, you're bad at this.

The sawdust from the Big Top is used to bulk up large orders of meth. The Haunted House is genuinely haunted by the dozens of people who have died on the rides over the years. Their petting zoo features only tapeworms. Upon closer inspection, the Merry Go Round uses corpses of actual horses. The games on the Midway are all run by Jigsaw from the SAW movies. All of the animals in the Big Top turn out to be kidnapped people in Furry costumes. The House Of Mirrors has been completely taken over by cokeheads. You end up spending all of your tickets on using the porta-potties.

Ready for a new ceiling fan? Take it from me, your friendly internet-neighborhood FixDandy man: No matter how little experience you have, how badly you've botched previous DIY projects, or how many neighbors have sent you cease-and-desist letters, even you can follow my step-by-step guide to install a bit of indoor moving-air heaven. Materials required New ceiling fan Screwdriver Estimated time 45 minutes Open new ceiling fan box; dump pieces on floor. Throw away packaging. Begin disassembling old unit by removing screws that secure manifold to fan engine. Having stripped the thread of those screws by trying to turn the wrong way (Remember: righty-tighty, lefty-loosey!), go to hardware store, purchase screw-removal kit. Add those to materials list. Remove old unit by unscrewing anchoring screws. Apologize to your child, whose fan you are replacing, because, when you failed to hold old fan unit up while removing last anchoring screw, the unit fell on their 8th-grade science project due tomorrow, destroying both it and any lingering chance your child had to get into a magnet high school, then a selective college, and then decent employment that would allow them to cling to a precarious middle-class existence. Call manufacturer about missing L5 screws. Add 1-2 hours. After manufacturer explains that the screw pouch was taped inside the box, retrieve packaging from garbage. Add rubber gloves to materials list, and 10-30 minutes. If by some miracle you find the screws, skip Step 9. Repeat Step 7, adding 1-2 weeks for screw delivery. Open screw package. To recover the R9 washers that you just let roll into the floor HVAC vent, see my guide "How to Retrieve Errant Washers, in 21 Easy Steps"; add 15-17 hours. If unsuccessful, repeat previous two steps. Assemble engine assembly with Pieces C2, T5, and Y7. Call a friend. Have them write gauze, over-the-counter antibiotic, and medical tape on materials list, to treat the vicious gash on your dominant hand caused by trying to pry Piece H2 that you mistakenly affixed to Piece W11. Additional time required varies by wound severity, your pain tolerance, and how recently you have been vaccinated for tetanus. As per manufacturer's instructions to mount new fan engine, "attach B8 to G2 along transverse axis." Do not, under any circumstance, attach F3 to Q3. Trust me on this. Look up definition of "transverse." Repeat Step 14, this time correctly. Wire color-coding conventions are tricky, but FixDandy's got you covered! Proceed as follows: Connect royal blue wire to navy blue wire, midnight blue wire to azure wire, and sky-blue wire to imperial blue wire. Tie remaining wires into one big bundle. Place manifold over fan engine unit. If does not fit, repeat Steps 14-17, up to six times. If manifold eventually fits, skip next step. Patch wall, spackle, and repaint drywall where, in frustration, you just punched a hammer through it. See my "How to Patch a Wall, in 41 Easy Steps." Add 13-19 weeks. Install fan blades 1 and 2. After the third blade cracks because you over-tightened it, order replacement blade. Add 1-2 weeks. Attach third fan blade. Test all fan functions. Add flashlight to materials list. Assuming you correctly followed above steps, you did not connect williamsburg-blue wire to the cobalt-blue wire, thus fan was not grounded. Your home is now without electricity. Call a certified electrician. Depending upon electrician availability, add 4-6 weeks. Repeat Steps 2-8, for removing old ceiling fan assembly, to remove now-destroyed new ceiling fan assembly. Take mental health break. This may add anywhere from 10 minutes to 9 weeks. Go to store and purchase second new ceiling fan. Add hour to 2 hours. To make sure that the new-new unit is the appropriate capacity, calculate room's square footage and compare to manufacturer's specifications. Then, calculate domicile's total square footage. Open Zillow, and conduct cost-benefit analysis of relocating to an equivalent home with functioning c...

LINDA SHUBATONG: Good evening and welcome to our opening coverage of this year's CrossStitch Games! I'm Linda Shubatong and with me tonight is CrossStitch Games legend Peggy Tresta. Peggy, which athletes are you keeping an eye on this weekend? PEGGY TRESTA: Well, Linda, I'm thrilled to be here hosting the Games again and it's a privilege to watch so many talented athletes who will be competing at Chalford Stadium. Of course, the first standout for me is Barbara "Backstitch" Blankenden. LS: I agree. Blankenden is dealing with a little arthritis in her left hand but is still the favorite heading into the weekend. PT: She's going to be tough to beat, for sure, Linda. I have to say, though, that Gloria "All Glory to the Lord" Ninden is a returning standout as well. I was quite impressed last year by her version of La Pieta. There is just such an interesting tension between tradition and modernity in her work. LS: If the rumors are true, Peggy, we may see Ninden take on her most ambitious stitch yet - "Feeding the 5,000." PT: Oh my! Then my prayers are with Ninden. I hope she can finish before hell freezes over! LS: Let's talk about some of our newcomers. For me, Margot "Makin' Moves" Murrette is one to watch. At 17, she's the youngest competitor in CrossStitch Games history and will no doubt be an intimidating presence out on the field. PT: Absolutely, Linda. As long as Murrette can hold back on the amount of glow in the dark thread she uses, her techniques may prove effective in this competition. The judges will see right through that pizzazz - you can't cover up a sloppy performance with a cheap thrill, as we've seen time and time again. Don't remind me of the metallic floss scandal back in 2013… LS: Who could forget that?! Now, I have to say, I'm really curious to see what we have in store with the dark horse stitcher Kaleigh McMarden. She's a self-taught prodigy who watched a lot of cross-stitch videos online during quarantine, and you just can't argue with those nimble fingers and the dexterity she's gained from constant text messaging. PT: It really shows, Linda. Time will tell whether what she lacks in formal training, she can easily make up for in speed and agility. Her backstitch needs work, but I admire how faithfully she can stick to a pattern. LS: Making his CrossStitch Games debut this year, Derek "Double Dribble" Danvo says he, quote, "wanted a challenge." PT: CrossStitch has made intense marketing and PR efforts to bring more men into the sport and scoring Derek Danvo is a slam dunk for the CrossStitch Games. He was professional basketball's 57th overall draft pick in 2018. In CrossStitch, he's my 7th pick. LS: Seventh? Who would you pick ahead of Danvo? PT: I find Brenna "XXX" Havisham exciting to watch because of her unpredictability. You just don't know what you're going to get, Linda! LS: You're not wrong there, Peggy. Last year, she shocked the CrossStitch world by going hoopless in every event at the Games. That was completely unprecedented, and, frankly, a little unnerving! Let's hope that this year she uses less seed beads. PT: I agree. The judges will be keeping their eyes on her. Now let's not forget Melinda Larell. I'm told she's perfected her French knot since last year and is a force to be reckoned with. LS: Sandra "Steppenwolf" Rottinson may seem kind of vanilla to the casual observer, but she has a fire motivating her. She's just dropped her youngest off at college and has a LOT of free time, Peggy, which can only mean a clearer focus and improved performance. PT: WhataboutNorman"TheJeanRipper"Vunello?He'sbackforthefirsttimesincebeing bannedfouryearsago. LS: Well, you remember he was disqualified in the speed round for waxing his thread but he's back and hungry for victory. It will be very interesting to see how the other athletes react to him. PT: Speaking of hungry, have you seen Sarah "The Sampler" Sleighton? Her work stands out for its simplicity and powerful messaging. PT: Sleighton...

Diarrhea…exists. Can God prevent diarrhea? If no, then God is not all-powerful. If yes, then does God know about all the diarrhea I've been having lately? If no, then God is not all-knowing. If yes, then does God want to prevent present and future diarrhea for me and anyone else afflicted? If no, then God is not all-good, nor is He all-loving. If yes, then why does diarrhea exist? If God created diarrhea to test me, then He'd already know how I'd fare against diarrhea (not great) since He's all-knowing. If Satan created diarrhea to torture me, then an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-good, and all-loving God could and would destroy Satan to prevent the further spread of diarrhea and diarrhea-like variants. If God created diarrhea for no reason at all and could've created a universe where diarrhea didn't exist, then why didn't He? If it was God's free will, then could God have created a universe with free will but without diarrhea? If no, then God is not all-powerful, all-knowing, all-good, all-loving, all-right, all-correct, all-that, all-of the above. If yes, then I'll ask once more, why didn't He do that? Why? No, seriously why? WHY!? Because right now, I'd trade some free will for a solid shit!

We want to express our deepest condolences to the victims and families of the recent atrocities. These senseless acts have left us all profoundly shaken. When we were notified that our Ghostface Voice Modulator had been unfortunately misused again we immediately began cooperating with law enforcement. However, while we recognize the gravity of this situation, we want to make it clear that the Ghostface Voice Modulator should not be held responsible for the heinous acts committed by vile individuals. The Ghostface Voice Modulator is an inanimate object. It cannot make decisions or have rational thought. The Ghostface Voice Modulator does not stalk and then stab people. People stalk and then stab. When used responsibly, the Ghostface Voice Modulator can provide hours of amusement to those who engage in safe Halloween time hijinks. Our product is no more responsible than that of a spherical ice cube in an alcoholic's whiskey glass or a rusty nail in an accidental tetanus contraction. The bloody knife-wielding Ghostface mascot featured on the packaging is purely coincidental. If we were to change the name of our product now, it would be an admission of guilt and we cannot do so in good conscience. Also, the Ghostface Voice Modulator slogan "Kill Like A Killer" is taken out of context. "Kill" is a hyperbolic rhetorical device used to describe the gut-busting laughter one can expect when using the Ghostface Voice Modulator. We want to emphasize that we have always condemned violence and we always will. Just as we did in 1996. And again in 1997. And again in 2000. And again in 2011. And again in 2022. And again, now, in 2023. Our financial success during such times do not make these moments any less painful. We'd also like to underscore our significant contributions to charitable organizations and similar tax-deductible philanthropy. To be clear - Murder Manifesto LLC stands united against violence and hatred. We will continue to reflect and pray to prevent such tragic events from occurring again. Thank you for your understanding, your support, and your commitment to a future where the Ghostface Voice Modulator becomes a force for good rather than an instrument of evil.