Step into the confessional with Father Simon and the Collective for soup-based horror, airborne football crimes, and one truly catastrophic “wind” in an operating theatre.

First, a classic from the crypt: Lorraine’s 80s tin-code mix-up leaves a brother eating chicken soup… plus a black, gelatinous blob of mould, followed by two days in hospital that nobody even notices.

Then Alf’s military hangover meets bright surgical lights — and a “silent but prolonged” moment that has a surgeon hauling out intestines in search of a hole that isn’t there.

Plus: Alistair secretly watches England v Tunisia during take-off and celebrates by waking a baby, and Penelope’s husband repeatedly breaks into the wrong Caribbean hotel room… straight into a naked German.

Got a confession? [email protected]