Simon Mayo's Confessions

Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Collective for an episode that begins with hoodies-at-the-Vatican chat, and the small matter of Sister Holly’s breaking news: she’s engaged.

From the crypt: Malcolm recounts an early-80s Sydney night out that ends in a furniture showroom, a waterbed “Cluedo session”… and the New South Wales Police arriving in force thanks to a very vigorous infrared alarm trigger.

Plus: Trevor attempts to chat up a French girl in Magaluf using nothing but schoolboy phrases about dogs, chickens and tigers.

And there’s Homer's terry-towelling nappy disaster of truly explosive proportions, plus Debbie’s “Curse of the Crying Boy” prank that absolutely terrifies her mum.

Got a confession? [email protected]

Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Confessions Collective, as Halloween looms and the nation’s trick-or-treat etiquette comes under serious (and slightly satsuma-based) scrutiny.

First up: Sue’s toilet tale, as she takes drastic action against an all-male household’s bathroom crimes… with consequences for everyone, including the dog.

Then Paul faces a full-blown chameleon calamity when Cami escapes and ends up having a fluorescent curtain-induced Farrow & Ball crisis.

Plus: Constable Knappweed “solves” a burglary with accidental red paint footprints, and Matt’s banking app verification turns into a sleep-deprived, unbuttoned disaster.

Got a confession? [email protected]

Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the collective for another allegedly coherent episode.

Bev relives a mixed-hockey tournament pool night in Wakefield, then it’s back to 1969 as Biffo and Buster conduct a science experiment involving fireworks and cow pat.

Plus: a 70s house party, “a packet of Planters” confusion, and a public-school Oliver! medley that pushes one housemaster too far.

Got a confession? [email protected]

It’s a very, very special edition of Simon Mayo’s Confessions… a Cluedo special.

Five classic confessions are reopened from the crypt, featuring suspicious behaviour on quiet country roads, RAF Police patrols “hunting” late-night Cluedo enthusiasts, and Storm Doris scattering some extremely awkward bin evidence across an English garden.

Plus: the Keymaster of ’94 reveals the fatal flaw in a southwest Wales caravan park key system (and the unfortunate elderly couple who walked in at the worst possible moment).

And finally, the confession that started it all: Max, the conservatory, Colonel Mustard… and three-and-a-half years of truly despicable behaviour.

Got a confession? [email protected]

Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Confessions Collective.

Mike takes us back to 1971, where a cow’s eye from biology class ends up hiding under a canteen lettuce leaf… with Big Cath, Carol-with-an-E.

Then Babs squeezes into her teenage daughter’s favourite dress, enjoys 30 seconds of catwalk glory but it all end terribly.

Plus: there's a bus-shelter “coolant” taste test, and Steve’s Frankenstein-inspired plan to rejuvenate Gran with copper wire and a lightning storm.

Got a confession? [email protected]

Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo, Sister Holly, Sister Suzi and Brother Matthew for Episode 7 of Season 8… and yes, the numbering is definitely, probably, completely accurate.

Thomas confesses to an 80s campaign of fake-spider terror against his devout granny. Doris’s mum admits to tackling the messiest teenage bedroom on earth. Plus: a 1973 sponsored walk sabotaged with reversed arrows, and a Scottish council depot prank that has grown men shouting “PAPER TOWELS NOW!” at a metal box.

Got a confession? [email protected]

It’s a distinctly international trip into the confessional this week with Simon Mayo and the Confessions Collective.

Craig kicks things off from behind the pharmacy counter in 1989, when an eager attempt to help a customer find “green ones” turns into a mortifying party‑poppers misunderstanding…

Then ex‑RAF Police Corporal Binky Blythe teaches an Italian driver a “romantic” phrase that ends up being delivered to the Admiral’s wife.

Plus: Nev’s compost‑heap ashes swap, and William’s French chemist translation help that accidentally escalates into Bon Saint‑Bernard deep‑heat justice.

Got a confession? [email protected]

Episode five of Season Eight drops Simon Mayo and the Confessions Collective back into the confessional for more chaos, dodgy logic, and the kind of stories that definitely shouldn’t be told… but are.

Joe buys his daughter a life-size skeleton, commits fully by building it a coffin (complete with nameplate: “Mr Bone, RIP”), then watches it reappear in the worst possible place after a house fire — terrifying an insurance loss adjuster and some very shocked onlookers.

Plus: Nigel’s 1979 school trip to Amsterdam that ends with the Dutch police being called, Dave’s “perfect peach” decorating job, and Gretchen’s free-range 1960s Yorkshire childhood gang — complete with singed eyebrows.

Got a confession? [email protected]

Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Confessions Collective for another fresh batch of chaos, questionable life choices, and very loud studio drinks.

Karen takes us back to late-70s school rule rebellion with a changing-room ear‑piercing “side hustle” run by Penny the Piercer… using mum’s sewing pins as the “earrings”.

Then Steve relives a painfully awkward trip to Boots in Newquay, where asking for “party poppers” becomes a full-blown Small, Medium or Large misunderstanding.

Plus: Joanne’s revenge corned beef hash with a feline twist, and Marina’s spectacular swimming pool disaster involving a glass-topped table, a smashed poolside, and a very quick exit.

Got a confession? [email protected]