-It’s always funny to me when a girl will put in a dating profile something like “we’ll along if … you like The Office.” Like that’s just not true, statistically speaking. It’s maybe THE most popular TV show of all time. Hundreds of millions of people have seen it. You can’t possibly get along with all of them just based on that. Some people who have seen it are murderers and ___ You’re gonna get along with them? Because they like when Jim does his little look into the camera.. Or another one is “All I ask is that you… watch the Office.” What an incredibly low bar. You can be the worst boyfriend ever. Ignore her, argue, cheat on her, but if you can just snuggle up and watch Jim and Pam’s wedding episode then all is forgiven.

-I keep seeing ads where people are now getting rewards for getting vaccinated, and it feels to me like that’s going to have the opposite effect of what they intended. Because 6 months ago, it was just “Get the vaccine please” and a bunch of people did. Then it was like “Get the vaccine and we’ll give you a free donut!” Then it was like a $20 raffle ticket and now you just can straight up get like 100 bucks for getting it. If I wasn’t vaccinated already, I’d start thinking about a holdout situation like I’m an elite wide receiver. Because it’s only going up. Eventually it’s gonna be like “Come get the shot, and you’ll get a brand new car.” There’s going to be a “Deal Or No Deal” vaccine game show. “We’ll give you $47,000 to get the vaccine. Deal or …. No deal.” I just think if the goal is to get people vaccinated, maybe there’s gotta be some like depreciating value on these rewards.

-I think it’s important to be just a little bit of a shitty person so that you don’t become one of those “only the good die young” people. If you’re just a pure soul that everyone loves, best person ever, you better watch out because those are the types that get booted off this planet early. So just be a little bit of a bad person and you’ll probably stick around longer.

-I really despise crackers in my soup. I don’t see the appeal of it. Who was eating a nice, hot bowl of soup and thought “You know what this could use? Some wet, soggy bread.” Have a little culture please.

-Whenever I’m going out with a group to a restaurant, or a game or something, I always know the perfect order in which people should sit. It’s the first thing I think of. I find out the group that’s going and then think “Okay this would be the optimal seating arrangement that would produce maximum enjoyment for all parties. But unfortunately, it’s not socially acceptable to act on it and tell people where to sit. Sometimes I do it anyway though.