TheCursingTherapist Podcast

Episode 7: Your Autonomy Is a Controlling Person’s Achilles’ Heel

Have you ever said yes when you really wanted to say no because dealing with someone else's reaction felt worse than doing something you didn't want to do?

Have you ever found yourself rehearsing conversations, monitoring someone else's moods, or feeling guilty for making a perfectly reasonable decision about your own life?

You may have learned to organize your entire existence around keeping someone else comfortable. And that is an exhausting f*****g way to live.

In this episode of The Cursing Therapist Podcast, Heather Hewitt, MSW, LCSW, takes a deep dive into autonomy, why controlling people often experience another person's independence as a threat, and how we gradually learn to emotionally abandon ourselves in relationships.

We'll explore the difference between consideration and permission-seeking, why compliance is not the same thing as genuine emotional intimacy, and how controlling dynamics can gradually undermine your confidence in your own judgment.

We'll also discuss Murray Bowen's concept of differentiation of self, anticipatory compliance, hypervigilance, and the anger, grief, and shame that can accompany recognizing how much of yourself you've sacrificed to maintain a relationship.

And perhaps most importantly, we'll talk about what it means to begin rebuilding your autonomy and self-trust without confusing independence with selfishness.

Because genuine connection doesn't require you to disappear.

In This Episode

What autonomy actually means and why it matters in relationships

The difference between mutual consideration and permission-seeking

Why controlling people may experience independence as a threat

The distinctions between controlling behavior, coercive control, and physical violence

Why emotional intensity and compliance are not the same as genuine connection

Differentiation of self and maintaining your identity in relationships

How anticipatory compliance and hypervigilance develop

Why we gradually lose confidence in our own judgment

The emotional cost of abandoning yourself to keep the peace

Why resistance to boundaries isn't necessarily a sign of progress

How to begin rebuilding autonomy, self-trust, and meaningful connection

The bottom line: Your autonomy is not something you have to earn by being agreeable, accommodating, or sufficiently considerate of everyone else's feelings. It's part of being a person. And being in a relationship doesn't change that.

Free Companion Essay & Downloadable Tool

Want to take this conversation further?

Head to The Cursing Therapist on Substack and subscribe for FREE.

For my first 52 podcast episodes, I'm offering a companion essay and downloadable tool to help you explore these concepts and apply them to your own life.

You'll also receive my weekly Self-Reflection Sunday journal prompts and accompanying reflections.

No credit card. No b******t. Just a s**t ton of resources to help you strengthen your boundaries, rebuild your self-trust, and stop emotionally abandoning yourself for a******s.

Want even more? Paid subscriptions are available for $10 per month and include exclusive monthly content, a private community chat, the opportunity to submit questions directly to me, and a monthly live Q&A with access to previous sessions.

Connect With The Cursing Therapist

Find me @thecursingtherapist on TikTok, Instagram, and Facebook for more mental health education, relationship insights, and practical tools.

Following, sharing, commenting, and engaging with my content helps get this information in front of people who need it. Every bit of engagement helps me continue making complex psychological concepts accessible and useful.

Podcast: https://pod.link/1896929880

Substack: https://thecursingtherapist.substack.com

Music Credits

The Cursing Therapist Podcast's original musical intro was created by Dan Loomis, bassist, composer, bandleader, and longtime friend.

Explore Dan's music and upcoming projects at https://danloomismusic.com.

His new album, One Beautiful Foolish Arc, is scheduled for release March 26, 2027, on Adhyaropa Records.

Resources: Domestic Violence, Coercive Control & Relationship Safety

You do not have to experience physical violence to seek support for an abusive or controlling relationship.

Coercive control can involve intimidation, isolation, threats, financial restrictions, monitoring, and other patterns of behavior that undermine a person's independence.

If you're experiencing coercive control, threats, intimidation, stalking, or physical violence, asserting boundaries or attempting to leave can sometimes increase the risk of retaliation. Confidential support and individualized safety planning can help you explore your options.

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Free, confidential support available 24/7.

Call: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Text: START to 88788

Website: https://www.thehotline.org

Safety planning: https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/

Love Is Respect

Support and education about healthy relationships, dating abuse, and relationship safety for teens and young adults.

Call: 1-866-331-9474

Text: LOVEIS to 22522

Website: https://www.loveisrespect.org

StrongHearts Native Helpline

Confidential, culturally grounded support for Native Americans and Alaska Natives experiencing domestic, dating, or sexual violence.

Call or text: 1-844-762-8483

Website: https://strongheartshelpline.org

WomensLaw.org

Legal information about domestic violence, protective orders, custody, and related issues, including state-specific resources.

Website: https://www.womenslaw.org

National Center on Domestic Violence, Trauma & Mental Health

Educational resources about domestic violence, trauma, mental health, and recovery.

Website: https://ncdvtmh.org

If you are in immediate danger, contact 911 or your local emergency services.

Disclaimer

This podcast is intended for educational and informational purposes only and does not constitute individualized mental health treatment, diagnosis, or professional safety planning. Every relationship is different, and the risks associated with controlling behavior vary. If you're experiencing abuse or coercive control, consider seeking support from a qualified professional or domestic violence advocate.

Heather Hewitt, MSW, LCSWThe Cursing TherapistMental health without the b******t.

Stop emotionally abandoning yourself for a******s.

When Ambition Becomes Self-Abandonment

How Burnout Happens Long Before You Realize It

Some episodes deserve more than show notes. This one deserved a letter.

Dear R.J.,

When we recorded this episode, you told me that if sharing your story could help even one person, it would be worth it.

I've thought about that a lot.

I don't think you realize how many people you're going to help.

Some people are going to listen because they're exhausted. Some because they're wondering why they don't feel like themselves anymore. Some because they keep telling themselves they just need to push through one more project, one more deadline, one more promotion.

Then they're going to hear your story.

Not the version that fits on a résumé.

Not the list of accomplishments.

The real story.

The one where success slowly came at the expense of yourself.

You gave strangers permission to recognize themselves before it's too late.

You gave language to an experience that so many people quietly carry in shame.

As therapists, we spend a lot of time asking people to tell the truth about their lives. We know how hard that is.

You did it anyway.

I hope people hear your honesty and recognize themselves before they get to the place you found yourself in.

And I hope they also hear the other part of your story—that healing is possible. That people can rebuild. That you can lose yourself and still find your way back.

One of the greatest privileges of this conversation wasn't sitting across from a guest. It was sitting across from one of my closest friends and getting to witness the courage it takes to tell the truth about your own life.

Thank you for trusting me with something so personal. Thank you for letting me ask the questions. Most of all, thank you for choosing honesty over image. I know there are people who are going to hear this conversation and feel less alone because you were willing to have it.

That's a pretty incredible thing.

Forever cheering you on,

Heather

The 12 Stages of Burnout

In this episode, R.J. and I reference the 12 Stages of Burnout, a model originally described by Herbert Freudenberger, Ph.D., and Gail North, M.D.

The compulsion to prove yourself

Working harder

Neglecting your own needs

Displacement of conflict

Revision of values

Denial of emerging problems

Withdrawal

Obvious behavioral changes

Depersonalization

Inner emptiness

Depression

Burnout syndrome

Original source:Freudenberger, H. J., & North, G. (1985). Women's Burnout: How to Spot It, How to Reverse It, and How to Prevent It. New York: Penguin Books.

Keep the Conversation Going

If this episode resonated with you, I'd love for you to follow the podcast, leave a review, and share it with someone who might need to hear it.

For deeper dives into burnout, boundaries, narcissistic abuse, attachment, and learning how to stop abandoning yourself, subscribe to my Substack:

https://thecursingtherapist.substack.com

I'm really glad you're here.

What's the difference between being attached to someone and actually being known by them? In this episode, I break down two concepts that get confused constantly: attachment (the relief of having someone close) and connection (the experience of being truly seen). I share the conflict-and-repair test I use to tell them apart, walk through two relationships from my own life where I learned the difference the hard way — including a chapter where I lost myself trying to become "acceptable" instead of authentic — and land on the question I think matters more than "what's love": what kind of person does this relationship allow me to become?

In this episode:

The difference between attachment ("will you stay?") and connection ("do you actually see me?")

Why intensity isn't proof of love — and what actually is

The conflict-and-repair test: three questions to ask about any relationship

"Identity outsourcing" — how trying to be chosen can quietly become self-abandonment

Two very different relationships, and what each one taught me about the difference between being loved and being known

Rate and review the show if this one resonated — it helps other people find it. And subscribe to my Substack to stay in the loop before I roll out subscriptions and deeper support.

Ever walk away from a conversation wondering how you ended up apologizing when you were the one who was hurt?

There's a reason for that.

In this episode, Heather breaks down DARVO—a manipulation tactic that stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. You'll learn why some people never stay on the original issue, why you suddenly find yourself defending your character instead of discussing your feelings, and how manipulative communication slowly teaches you to stop speaking up altogether.

More importantly, you'll learn exactly how to respond without getting pulled into the argument they're trying to create.

In this episode:

What DARVO is and why it works

How manipulative people change the subject without you noticing

Why you don't need to become a master litigator to deserve respect

The difference between healthy conflict and emotional manipulation

Practical phrases to keep conversations on track

Why confidence—not perfect communication—is your greatest defense

Your DARVO Checklist

Did we stay on the original issue?

Did I end up defending my character instead of discussing the behavior?

Am I apologizing for bringing up a concern?

Did they take responsibility for anything?

Do I feel more confused than I did before the conversation started?

If you're answering "yes" to most of those questions on a regular basis, you may not be dealing with healthy conflict—you may be dealing with manipulation.

If this episode resonated with you, I'd be incredibly grateful if you'd leave a rating—and even better, write a review. Every review helps more people discover the podcast.

If you'd like to go deeper, subscribe to my Substack for bonus content, practical tools, and deeper dives into the psychology behind these episodes:

https://thecursingtherapist.substack.com

Until next time, stop abandoning yourself just because someone else is uncomfortable with your reality.

What if the problem isn't that you're too sensitive, too emotional, or too attached?

What if the problem is that you've been taught to ignore your own emotional rights?

In this episode of The Cursing Therapist Podcast, we're diving into one of the most important foundations of mental health: understanding where you end and other people begin.

We'll talk about emotional rights, why so many people struggle to enforce them, and why healing often requires us to challenge the unspoken rules of dysfunctional family systems.

We'll also tackle the popular "Let Them" philosophy. While it can be a helpful tool for identifying who is willing and able to meet you in healthy relationship, it is not a complete solution. Sometimes "letting them" means recognizing that certain relationships are costing you more than they are giving you. Sometimes it means accepting reality. But acceptance alone does not heal the grief, fear, guilt, or loss that can come with creating meaningful change.

We'll explore:

What emotional rights are and why they matter

The difference between healthy boundaries and emotional control

Why "Let Them" can be helpful—but also reductive

The hidden costs of staying in toxic family systems

Why leaving dysfunctional dynamics can feel emotionally dangerous

Family roles, loyalty binds, and the fear of becoming the villain

How guilt, grief, and anxiety often show up when you start choosing yourself

Why peace rarely lives inside the dysfunction you've spent your life managing

How to build a life that is aligned with your values instead of your fears

If you've ever felt trapped between protecting your peace and protecting your relationships, this episode is for you.

Because sometimes the hardest thing you'll ever do is stop participating in a system that benefits from your silence.

And sometimes the peace you've been looking for is waiting on the other side of the boundary you're afraid to set.

Follow Heather:

TikTok & Instagram: @thecursingtherapist

Substack: @thecursingtherapist

Listen on Spotify and Apple Podcasts: The Cursing Therapist Podcast

Subscribe on Substack to be the first to know when deeper dives, bonus content, workshops, and community offerings become available.

In the wise words of Dakota Fanning from Uptown Girls, "Fundamentals are the building blocks of fun."

And when it comes to emotional health, there may be nothing more fundamental than boundaries.

In this first episode of The Cursing Therapist Podcast, Heather breaks down what boundaries actually are, why so many of us struggle to maintain them, and how learning to hold them can transform your relationships, reduce resentment, and help you reclaim ownership of your life.

You'll learn:

What a boundary is (and what it isn't)

The difference between requests and boundaries

Why boundaries are your responsibility to maintain

The three boundary styles: rigid, permeable, and flexible

How resentment often develops from poor boundary maintenance

Why boundary work is really attachment work

How fear of rejection, conflict, and abandonment can make boundaries feel so difficult

The importance of becoming comfortable with other people being uncomfortable

Why your life belongs to you—and what it means to start acting like it

Whether you're recovering from people-pleasing, navigating difficult family relationships, or simply trying to protect your peace, this episode lays the foundation for everything we'll build together moving forward.

Books Mentioned in This Episode

Unf*ck Your Boundaries by Dr. Faith G. Harperhttps://amzn.to/4vVOecx

Unf*ck Your Boundaries Workbook https://amzn.to/4viyoc2

Connect With Heather

If you enjoyed this episode and want more mental health content without the b******t, come hang out with me:

Instagram: @thecursingtherapistTikTok: @thecursingtherapistSubstack: @thecursingtherapist

I'm currently building out deeper-dive content, extended discussions, worksheets, resources, and subscriber-only material for people who want to go beyond the podcast and explore these topics with more nuance.

There's not an exclusive content library there yet, but if topics like boundaries, attachment, narcissistic abuse, emotional rights, dysfunctional family systems, and healing from people-pleasing are your thing, subscribe now so you don't miss what's coming.

Think of Substack as mission control. It's where I'll announce upcoming deep dives, bonus content, resources, live Q&As, and future subscriber offerings as they become available.

Enjoying the Podcast?

Be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share this episode with someone who needs it.

Every episode of The Cursing Therapist Podcast is designed to be another brick in the foundation of building a life that is actually yours.

And remember:

You are allowed to take up space.

You are allowed to have limits.

And you are allowed to protect your peace.

I'll see you next week.

So many people to thank!

First, my dad.

It’s hard to launch something this meaningful and not have one of your favorite people here to see it.

But I believe he does.

And if anything I’ve ever said has helped you, if anything I’ve ever written has resonated, if anything I’ve ever taught has made your life a little easier, just know that a lot of that started with him.

Without my dad, none of this exists.

Next, my mom.

My entrepreneurial spirit comes directly from her.

That woman is afraid of absolutely nothing.

She and my stepdad spent my entire life making me feel like I could do anything I wanted to do.

My stepdad used to tell me that constantly.

And I was lucky enough to believe him.

My brother Chris, who spent years telling me, “Heather, you’ve just got to start talking.”

Thank you for helping me believe I had something worth saying.

My stepsiblings, all of them, but especially Jason, who has always been one of my biggest supporters and one of the people reminding me that I can do this whenever I forget.

To my amazing friends. Espcially, the Sarahs, the Sigmas, Woodbadge 05-312-25-02 (and in particular the GGEs), and my best friend Chrissy who has been there through it all.

My clients.

Not because I need their validation.

I don’t.

But because they trust me with their stories every single day.

There is absolutely no way to spend years watching people courageously confront their fears, challenge old patterns, and change their lives without growing alongside them.

Their resilience inspires me every day.

My children, who have always been my biggest why.

The reason I want to grow.

The reason I want to do better.

The reason I want to leave things better than I found them.

And finally, my husband.

We’ve been together since Halloween of 2005 and married since 2008.

This man has walked beside me through graduate school, starting a business, raising children, losing my dad, and every wild idea I’ve ever had.

And somehow he still believes in me.

Unconditionally.

He has never doubted me.

He has also found approximately ninety percent of the things I’ve lost because ADHD remains undefeated.

Thank you for being my rock.