Thrive After Postpartum

This is a replay of one of the most popular episodes of the Thrive After Postpartum podcast. 

Becoming a mother can be the most rewarding time in a woman’s life.

Or it can be one of the darkest, loneliest times you will ever experience

When I gave birth to my son at the tender age of 19 my circumstances were not ideal. I had no job and was living with his father’s family. Our relationship was abusive and unhealthy on many levels.

Additionally, in the few months prior to giving birth — my stepfather died in a tragic car accident, we buried my 2-year old nephew, and my brother was sent to prison unjustly. My family was in a state of grief and turmoil

So, I was already experiencing symptoms of grief, depression, and anxiety during my pregnancy.

That depression magnified when I gave birth to my son. Snuggling next to him in the hospital I thought I would be the best mother ever. There is nothing like the energy between a mother and her newborn baby.

After leaving the hospital reality set in. I was alone with a baby that required all my energy and attention although I had none to give. I did not know about self-care and boundaries or the power of asking for a little help.

Motherhood quickly became a black hole where I seemed to create the very darkness that swallowed me and would not let me go.

STATISTICS AND PREDICTORS

With hindsight I was not alone — 1 out of 5 black women develops a postpartum mood disorder a rate 2x higher than that of her white counterpart.

But this number may be inaccurate because a lot of us do not report it especially with the stigma and shame associated with something perceived as a mental illness. Sadly, it often goes untreated and with dire long-term consequences.

And not only does it affect mothers and their children, 50% of fathers connected to a woman dealing with these symptoms develops depression.

There are 13 predictors that make a woman more likely to experience postpartum mood disorder symptoms which include things like prenatal depression and anxiety, poor relationships, and low socioeconomic status.

When I studied this list while earning my doula and perinatal mood disorder certifications, I realized I pretty much had most of the predictors.

But what still shocks me is that racism and damaging cultural stereotypes are not listed as predictors.

CULTURAL STREOTYPES

When I look at my role model, my mother, the epitome of the strong black woman she birthed 6 children and with each one she endured things I would not wish on my worst enemy.

You see I believe black women have been conditioned to keep moving despite. Breaking down, needing help was not an option. Even today you still see us on the frontlines fighting battles at home and in our society. Black Lives Matter and Me Too movements were started by beautiful black women on a mission.

At times like these we do need to push through because some things are bigger than us and effect our todays and tomorrows and those of the ones, we hold dear.

However, making unhealthy self-sacrifice, pushing through at all cost, going at things alone, staying on the hamster wheel of achievement should not be a way of life — especially not in postpartum which is the most vulnerable season of our lives.

When I found myself screaming “I don’t know what you want” at my little angel who would not stop crying. I feared who I was with him and who I was without him. For the first time in my life I felt that I could hurt myself or him.

And I struggled for those first couple of years to connect to him and to myself. I was angry a lot and I cried even more. I had lost all sense of who I was.

To read the rest of this transcript go here.

As a mom we often think that having low energy is normal and that you can't reclaim your energy in postpartum. This doesn't have to be the case. When we fail to make what I call the Postpartum Shift we feel hopeless, drained of energy, and just unwell. 

Yet consider this — you do have enough energy for the day but it's buried under tasks that no longer serve your well-being, the needs of your family, or the priorities that matter now.

Let me explain.

The Law of Conservation states energy can neither be created nor destroyed only converted from one form of energy to another. A system (you) always has the same amount of energy. (Science geek here👩🏾‍🔬)

If this is true then we should be mindful of our energy allotment . Consistent energy misuse can be detrimental to your overall health. 

So how do you reclaim your energy in postpartum?

By identifying your top priorities and creating a life that enables you realize those things that matter most.

If a system (you) only has so much energy then it makes sense to use it ONLY where it serves you the most and when it is at its peak.  

Here are some questions to ask yourself to identify your most important priorities:

• Why and how did I get too busy? Am I filling it with things that I don’t want to do anymore? 
• What people are you spending time with and are you feeling uplifted in their presence?
• What things have you left undone that you drag into the next day’s to do list? Ending that relationship? Leaving the laundry undone and piled on the bed?
• Who do I want to be right now in this moment for myself?
• What type of role model do I want to be to my children?

Then, once we are aware of both our new values and most important priorities, we can set goals to reach them and begin to make small consistent changes. Like saying no to something that is no longer a top priority, asking for help when you need it, or making a commitment to always folding the laundry as it comes out of the dryer. 

Once you begin this process, you’ll feel an instant increase in energy because your mind is not free of the things that don’t matter as much anymore and you’ll start to feel better in your skin.

If you’d like a partner to help with this process and get you on a path to more energy visit my website ThriveAfterPostpartum.com and book a TAPP session with me.

Until next time, Thrive Queen and Shine Brighter! 

This episodes is a guided meditation to reduce postpartum anxiety. Meditation has been scientifically proven to decrease anxiety, and reset the stress response. Visit ThriveAfterPostpartum.com/8  for more information on meditation. 

Show Notes

In the last episode we discussed some communication strategies for moms who are in postpartum and are experiencing depression or anxiety or just feeling overwhelmed. The tips I offered last week were to say less (be specific in your requests), use relatable language, and to get still (take time to process emotions so that you can get clear on your wants/needs). If you haven’t listened to it go to thriveafterpostpartum.com/6 and get caught up!

I hope that you had an opportunity to apply one or all of these techniques because as I said last week the power is always within us to change our experiences and circumstances. 

So this week’s episode is for the fellas, partners, or support person in your life -- the person on the receiving end of your words. I’ve got some concrete tips for you as well. I hope they prove beneficial.

Last week I mentioned that there is no way to really empathize with the experience of a postpartum person unless you yourself have had the same experience. I still believe this. There is a way however for you to garner understanding and build a sympathy bridge.

Seek First to Understand

I believe this tip was made famous by Mr. Stephen Covey in his book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. And it goes without saying that if we pay attention more then we will understand more. And educating yourself about the postpartum period and the mental changes that women go through when giving birth is crucial. How to educate yourself well here are some ways to do this. 

Firstly, listening to podcasts like this one will help you understand some of the nuances of the postpartum experience. Just because it’s about postpartum and black women’s issues in postpartum doesn’t mean it’s off limits to you. You are in this with her. You are her support, her strong tower and often her safe place. The more you know the more you both GROW.

Secondly, read, study, and learn as much as you can about postpartum and postpartum mood disorders. Start while she is pregnant. Good resources include organizations like Postpartum Support International or through organizations targeting men such as Daddy University. Attend a support group with your partner. Go to her wellness appointments with her and talk to the doctor about your concerns. There is a book I love called the Female Brain. It’s a valuable resource to understand your partner in all periods of her life, especially during pregnancy and postpartum. 

Thirdly,  listen to your partner about her experience without judgement. Because each woman's experience is different, no one is more of an expert at what she is feeling or what she needs than she. 

Do Not Minimize or Dismiss. 

This is a big one! I don't know how many times my clients have told me that when they share their feelings with someone else, often their partner, that person has deemed them as being too sensitive, or too petty or exaggerating. I have also had the same experience. Dismissing your partner's feelings whether you agree or not is hurtful. Maybe her interpretation of an incident is off but so what. 

Feelings are just what they are.  And I will tell you fellas/partners/lovers, if you do it too much she’ll go cold on you. And she’ll go cold to the family. Children need that flow of love in the family to be healthy, to feel secure. When a woman is made to feel loved, heard, safe, protected, and cared for her children thrive better. It’s just biological in nature.

Listen. Don’t Attempt to Solve. 

Another big one! After your partner has shared your heart, mind and soul with you. Ask the question what can I do to help instead of doing what you think is best …

For more show notes visit thriveafterpostpartum.com/7

Have you ever had the feeling that what you say to your partner falls on deaf ears because their response is the exact opposite of what you expected?

Do you ever beat yourself up because you felt as though you could have said something differently? Or forgot to say what you needed to say?

Ever completely shut down and give up because you feel like the more you talk the less they listen?

It’s a dark and lonely place when you feel there is no safe place to express your needs or  wants or ask for what you want especially when dealing with postpartum depression and anxiety.

The next two episodes of the T.A.P podcast  will offer a few tips on how you can improve communication and get the support you both need.

You can find the show notes for this episode at thriveafterpostpartum.com/6. 

***

Simple everyday communication can be a challenge. For example, have you ever asked someone to go to the store to get something, let’s say sugar and they bring back sugar -- just not the one you expected.

Your reaction is usually Dude really? Have you ever seen me buy this type of sugar?

What’s the normal response?  You said sugar so I purchased sugar. 

To your partner he followed your instructions to the tee and was expecting a thank you. 

You are probably thinking that he could have texted and asked for clarification but honestly the responsibility lies with us to convey exactly what we want in a way they can grasp it. 

When you have  pregnancy or postpartum brain (yes it's a real thing) -- you are tired, low energy, emotional, sleep deprived -- thinking about how to say something is the last thing you want to do. You just expect your partner to understand that when you asked for sugar you wanted a 5 pound boxed container of Turbinado Brown Raw Cane Sugar and not Domino’s Sugar. 

And before you come for me.  I am not letting your partner off easily. Yes maybe they could have asked clarifying questions and we’ll talk about that in part II of this series. 

But in reality the power always lies within us to say exactly what we want and need --to be specific. 

And this brings me to my first tip for improving communication during postpartum:

SAY LESS. Be as specific as possible when asking for what you need.

Imagine the time and energy you save when you add specificity to your words. No more back and forth and assumptions. You get exactly what you want.

In the example above, asking for a 5 lb Box of Turbinado Brown Raw Cane Sugar and providing a picture or even a location would save you from delay, headache and even a possible argument.

Let’s take another example. You ask for time to yourself but he doesn’t quite get why.  Your partner might think well you just took a shower or I’ve been at work all day so why does she need time to yourself. 

Try this instead: I’m not feeling like myself and my energy is low. I’d like to take Saturday morning from 8-12 to be by myself. No kids, no partner, no responsibilities. I’m going to silence my phone. I don’t want you contacting me unless it's an emergency. 

Do you see the difference? You’ve given your partner a clear time frame and guidelines for those 4 hours. You are also letting them know why you need the time. You are also allowing them to prepare. 

Often we are reactive and let things build up within and our communication reflects this. It can be scary not knowing if you’ll get the support you need especially when they don’t understand what you are going through. You really want your partner to just get it. 

For the remaining show notes please visit thriveafterpostpartum.com/6

Yoga.

I love it. It’s like a breath of fresh air for me. 

When I practice my days flow better. My mind is clearer and I make better choices. Situations that would normally aggravate me just roll off my back. I’m more patient, more kind and more loving towards others.

This I believe is directly related to what I am giving to myself during my practice — patience, kindness, grace and love. Because we can’t give what we don’t possess ourselves ?

My yoga practice has saved my life -- literally and figuratively -- I don’t know what I would have done during my postpartum depression if I had not had this practice. 

Today’s episode is all about yes you guessed it -- the benefits of yoga for postpartum wellness. But you don’t have to be a mom to receive what I am gifting to you in this episode.

I believe a committed consistent yoga practice can benefit all human beings -- it’s just that powerful. 

My Yoga Story

In my twenties, I had a wake up call about my unhealthy and promiscuous lifestyle.  I was diagnosed with borderline cancerous condition that would most likely turn cancerous without intervention-- you hear precancerous you think cancer. My options were surgery or wait and see if it reversed itself. 

Well, I’m a rebel in a sense, and even though I went to medical school, I believe in the inherent wisdom of our bodies to heal IF we give it what it needs. Surgery was too invasive in my book so I chose wait and see.

I read everything I could about my condition and how I needed to nurture my body through proper diet, rest, and positive recreation (notice I didn’t say exercise). 

My reading led me to a little gem of a book called 8 Weeks to Optimum Health by Dr. Andrew Weil, an integrative medicine physician. It’s actually not that little. But it is a true gem. This book became my health coach -- well in a sense Dr. Weill became my health coach. 

Making Changes Requires Making Changes

The timing of my diagnosis was divine I am sure -- I was heading to Texas for a 6-week preceptorship at Texas Children Hospital in Houston. 

This meant I would be far away from my family and this would make changing my lifestyle a lot easier. Being home I wouldn’t be able to resist mom’s bbq chicken that falls off the bone, her extra decadent rice pudding, and my sister’s potato salad or baked mac & cheese.

I learned about the importance of eating greens daily, the difference between omega 6s and 3s and the importance of the ratio, and how inflammation is the number one culprit in helping disease proliferate in the body. 

But most importantly I learned that with strategy and accountability through working with a health coach people can change if they want and set themselves up for success one small step at a time. 

And it is through this book I learned about yoga. Actually I learned about the importance of breath which led me to yoga.

Yoga is a Mind, Body, Spirit and Sex Thing. 

Three months later when I returned for a follow up appointment the precancerous lesion I had developed was gone and I am happy to say it has NEVER returned. 

I owe it to my yoga lifestyle and faith. I trusted my inner wisdom and have developed a health consciousness and connection with my body that allows me to instantly sense imbalances and self-correct. This experience has also improved my overall mental health. 

So why do I think that yoga is the best thing for the new mother … (for the show notes visit ThriveAfterPostpartum.com/5)

How often do you ignore your woman’s intuition? How many times have you said “if I had just trusted my gut I wouldn’t be here in this relationship, in this house, in this job or this circumstance!

Last Tuesday, I awoke at 4 am to prepare for a long drive back home. Something said lay back down everything will be okay. 

I was anxious to get on the road because I was scheduled to appear for a court hearing.

And at the same time I was running from some uncomfortable family triggers instead of managing that truth. 

Lo and behold, four hours into the drive, I ran into a massive snowstorm, lost control of my car, slid into a railing which removed my bumper.

With hindsight that bumper saved us from sliding farther and being in a worse scenario.

After making sure Zoë was okay and experiencing a total emotional breakdown about the situation — I called a sister friend of mine who helped me get settled into a nearby hotel.

Everything worked out as it always does but I can’t help but to admonish myself for ignoring my intuition ... yet again.

Why We Ignore Our Intuition

How was I groomed to ignore my intuition and intellectualize every situation? 

Part of it is just my personality -- I love learning and thinking. One of my favorite subjects is philosophy, especially critical thinking. I will read a book and tear it apart. 

But I have also been subjected to repeated trauma and abuse. Often my observations were unacknowledged and my fears, pains and even my joys were invalidated by people who were doing the best they could. 

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard the following in response to sharing my truth: 

Oh it’s not that bad.

• You are being dramatic.
• You are too sensitive, too emotional, too this or too that.
• God never gives you more than you can bear. 
• If nothing else you are strong.

When you share what’s in your heart and it’s repeatedly invalidated you in turn begin to do the same to yourself and trust the experience of others over your own voice.

And I did that. 

Occasionally, I still do it.

I got out of my heart and into my head and stayed there because it was safer.

If you look back over your own life I am sure that you also have had moments where the responses of others made you question what you knew to be true for you. 

Mothers who are dealing with depression or anxiety often have feelings and thoughts that are ignored which is a detriment to their mental health. 

And sadly, if you are a black woman it's highly likely that you will be told at least once by someone who sees you as a strong black woman  that you are exaggerating. 

Benefits of Cultivating the Practice of Listening to Your Intuition

Intuition protects us, guides us and is the reminder that there is something greater than our physicality and intellectual capabilities.

It heightens our awareness to dangers that are often intangible. 

It connects us to the Lioness we need to be when protecting our young.

Intuition shows us the path less chosen. 

Intuition reminds us that we are not alone. 

And it helps us ask for what we need and stand in our power.

And it tells us when to be still. 

How to Hear, Believe and Follow Through on Your Intuition ( for more show notes visit ThriveAfterPostpartum.com/4)

This episode is all about starting a gratitude practice for your beautiful postpartum body and is part of my Reclaim Your Body series. You can find the show notes at thriveafterpostpartum.com/3

Before we jump into the main content for today, I want to take a moment and give a special thankyou to GSmiles. Here’s what they said in their review on Apple Podcasts,

“I would encourage others to others to tune in as well. Tune in even if you need some female power, encouragement, or inspiration! I like how she’s not afraid to open up about her past struggles and use it as a platform to help others.”

Thank you so much GSmiles for those kind words, it means a lot. If you’d like to receive a shoutout on a future episode of the podcast, leave a review for the show in Apple Podcasts.

I love books and find myself in Barnes and Noble or Indie bookstores quite often. This show is inspired by my latest read – The Magic by Rhonda Byrne which is a book making the practice of gratitude a way of life. 

I lost that sense of gratitude for a while. I allowed the temporary circumstances of my life to cloud my long-term vison for my future. And as the saying goes when the student is ready the teacher appears. this book magically appeared. 

It’s a simple book that lays out a 28-day gratitude challenge. First you create a list of ten blessings and each day thereafter you add 10 more to this list. Every evening you focus on one event you are the most grateful for.  Each day brings a new focus whether it be in the area of health, relationships or finances. You can choose to go through the book day by day, or you skip to what’s most important for you.

I read through the book and then chose to focus on developing a gratitude practice for my beautiful chocolate postpartum body – and I’ll share the steps to this practice later in this episode. You can also go to the show notes and see it outlined there. But first let’s talk about some tips to make this a lasting practice.

5 KEYS TO YOUR SUCCESS

Shift Your Attention.  Change your focus from how your body looks to appreciating its function. We forget how miraculous the female form is! Under all the curves and sexuality, it shifts and adapts to become a home for another human being. 

Take a Media Break. To quote Iyanla Vanzant comparison is an act of violence against the self. Stop looking at the snap backs of celebrities and others on IG or in magazines.  What we see is an instant -- the finished product-- not the process. 

Breathe. It is important to this practice because it allows you to relax and release tension from the body and replace that tension with love and consideration for yourself.  So, breath in love and exhale anything that does not serve you. 

Repetition is Queen. Commit to a daily practice to make being grateful a lifestyle.

Record How You Feel.  After each session write down 3-5 adjectives describing how you feel. This way you integrate that feeling into your mind and body memory.

HOW TO DO THE POSTPARTUM GRATITUDE PRACTICE

The following is the postpartum gratitude practice I adopted it. Feel free to make it into what works for you. 

First choose a time. For me I do it in the shower. You could choose the same or when you lie down at night. Find a time where you can be completely focused on yourself with limited distractions. 

Take a deep breath in and as you exhale appreciate that body part you are currently touching for its function. 

Then end each affirmation with your agreement -- for me I say And so it is or Ashe, but you can end it however you like. A simple Thank you works well too!

To read more show notes go to thriveafterpostpartum.com/3.

The postpartum shift – is the moment you awaken to and accept the fact that you are no longer the woman you once were and decide to embrace the new you. 

I have two children. My Prince is 27 and my Princess is just a few weeks shy of 2 years old. 

Yes there is just about 30 years between my children. 

I know what you are thinking – why did I start over?  

Well when you are granted a blessing do you question it? 

What I do know is my daughter is the second most precious gift I have ever been given. 

Yet despite all the joy she awakens in me, some things were just different this time around.

SETTING GOALS

If we start with the basics physically I was super fit when I conceived my son. I was preparing for basic training when I discovered I was pregnant. So I just kept up with my daily runs. 

I conceived my daughter Zoe in my early 40s -- still pretty healthy and active. Yoga and healthy eating were a way of life -- but I was tired a lot. Getting up to go to the bathroom was so tiring in those later months that I considered getting a port-a-potty. 

With my son I never asked myself the questions: how do I want to show up for him or what type of woman and mom did I want to be? At 43, when I conceived Zoe I was consumed with these questions. 

What I knew for sure was this: 

1. I desire to be with her as much as possible. No day care for her. I wasn’t missing out on her formative years chasing other people’s dreams and expectations for me. 
2. I desire a vocation that I could bend to MY priorities. Flexibility in scheduling was a must. And of course, my vocation had to pay more for the time I put in—I wanted to set my own fees. Taking survival jobs just to make ends meet that left me exhausted and unavailable to her wasn’t a long term plan. 
3. I desire to show up as both the professional creative ambitious woman I am and be the type of mother I imagine.

These goals were influenced by the age at which I gave birth to Zoe. I am now older, more settled and have more skills and resources and the severe postpartum depression I experienced with my son.

I missed out on a lot of his first two years. I share a bit of my story in Ep 1 The Black Side of Postpartum. Check it out if you haven’t.

The biggest influence to my mental shift is something we often overlook -- spirituality.  I never felt more connected to my feminine essence and what I know to be God than when I carried Zoe. 

I thought obsessively about the role model I wanted to be for her and the generational pathologies I needed to shed from my own conditioning so I could achieve it.

But to create this life I HAD TO CHANGE.

FEEL THE FEAR AND MOVE TOWARDS CHANGE

Deep down I had a knowing that things would not be the same because I was not the same.  I was fighting against the changes I needed to make because I was afraid. I think when we fight against what intuition tells us it adds to the depressive symptoms we may experience. 

Postpartum depression is a symptom that manifests from many factors but one that is often ignored is the FEAR we experience when we know we have to become our BETTER selves. 

We have to move forward and let go of who we were. And often release toxic patterns we have developed. 

As a black woman I had to let go of the unhealthy self-sacrifice habit  and being the fixer in my world. I had to let go of my I can do it by myself attitude ...

To read more show notes go to