Thriving Your Love

In this episode, we will give you a helpful overview of where love comes from parent to child and, as adults, partner to partner. This is the critical ingredient to Emotionally Focused Therapy. Our brain is designed for connection, and we seek proximity to others from the very moment we are born. Babies have several behaviors geared to attract others. As they send connection cues to those around them, people respond to those cues and engage with them. The interaction between them and their caretakers develops their brains and affects their physiology. Psychologist and psychiatrist John Bowlby postulated that humans never grow from this need to connect. He stated that “from the cradle to the grave,” we depend on others to feel secure and protected. In learning these skills, you will deepen your understanding of your connection and be aware of the power of your biological will to attach.

During the honeymoon phase we do everything we can to spend time with our loved ones. The desire to be with each other is spontaneous and we might even forgo sleep and work. After the honeymoon phase, nonetheless, we need to be intentional about it.

Love rituals are anything that we do to show our partner that they are special to us and that we love them. It can be a simple hug, kiss, or smile. An acknowledgment that we have them in our minds and that they make us happy.

Having a strong connection with our partner makes us feel protected. Our partner is like a shield that helps us to feel safer in the world. We know that we have someone who has our back and this gives us the courage we need to face the challenges of life.

In our desire to help our loved ones, we give them advice or solutions. We think that they expect us to fix their problems when they only want our presence amidst their pain. We would like our love to take all the pain away from our partner's life. However, that's not possible. Although we cannot take their pain away, we can be with them in times of distress. The worst thing is not suffering but suffering alone.

In the last video of the series “Healing from Affairs,” we talk about the type of conversation that helps a couple to heal from an attachment injury such as an affair. Couples have difficulty healing from an affair because their communication is focused on attacking and defending. The injured partner attacks the one who committed the affair who defends themselves from the accusation and sometimes also attacks back. These failed conversations only serve to injure them over and over again and create more disconnection.

In this episode, we show how couples can talk in a vulnerable way. The focus is not on describing the other person's character but on speaking about one's feelings. The injured partner tells the other about their hurt and their sadness. The other takes ownership of what they did in a vulnerable way and talks about their sadness for hurting their loved one. This kind of communication brings them closer thus helping them to heal from the attachment injury. It also helps them have the kind of relationship that will shield them from future injuries.

Affairs cause a great deal of shame for both partners. The injured one thinks that their partner betrayed them because they are not good enough. Maybe they are not attractive, charming or special. They conclude that there is something missing about them that their partner found in the other person.

The partner who had the affair also feels a great deal of shame. They see the pain they have caused their partner and they feel horrible about that. Since they were the ones who cheated, they see themselves as immoral and dishonest. Their partner's attack and criticism intensify their shame and cause them to react and become defensive. However, when they react, their partner thinks that they are not taking ownership of what they did and consequently attacks them even more. It becomes a vicious cycle that prevents partners from healing.

Of all the problems that a couple may face, the worst is an affair. It's no wonder that about half of the couples who go through an affair, end up in divorce. It is very common for therapists to help couples who are trying to heal from an affair. Affairs shake the foundation of the relationship and damage trust. They cause immense pain that may linger for a long time. It is very important that couples seek help to heal, reconnect and make their relationship stronger.

In the last podcast, we talked about the worst of all fears which is losing the love of our attachment figure. In this podcast, we dive into how this fear shows up differently for those who avoid closeness. The fear of being criticized or having a fight causes avoidant partners to distance themselves to protect the relationship. Although they seem cold and distant, they are just afraid of making things worse and losing the person they love.

We continue talking about fear and how it plays out in adult relationships. Our worst fear is to lose the person whom we love the most. When we feel rejected or abandoned, we try everything we can to get reassurance from our partner that they are there for us. If we cannot get this reassurance, we feel desperate and we protest.

Fear is a great survival mechanism that propels us to seek a connection to another human being who can help us feel safe. When our survival is threatened, our brain triggers a series of physiological reactions designed to prepare our body to face the perceived threat. The part of the brain that deals with fear is the same related to attachment which means that attachment is the antidote to fear. Because the connection to an attachment figure is so important, we fear being abandoned and rejected by our loved ones. Since we are babies, we send bids for connection to our attachment figures. When they are responsive, accessible, and emotionally engaged, we feel safe and protected. If they do not know how to respond, or if we cannot detect their response, we feel anxious and fearful. If the disconnection persists for a long time, we may develop trust issues. It may be difficult for us to trust our loved ones and we might think that we don't deserve their love. As a result, we may fear losing them and we might look for signs that confirm our fears.