Thriving Your Love

Shame is one of the most challenging feelings because it affects our self-esteem and makes us want to hide. We develop shame in our childhood through our relationship with our attachment figures. When we cannot feel connected to them, we think that the problem is with us. Maybe we are unlovable and defective. We feel ashamed of who we are and our need to feel loved, connected, and important to our attachment figures. Shame is extremely painful. When we feel it, we want to hide or disappear. We are afraid of being seen because we believe that people are interested in finding fault with us. It becomes difficult to be vulnerable and show up as we are.

Shame is one of the most challenging feelings because it affects our self-esteem and makes us want to hide. We develop shame in our childhood through our relationship with our attachment figures. When we cannot feel connected to them, we think that the problem is with us. Maybe we are unlovable and defective. We feel ashamed of who we are and our need to feel loved, connected and important to our attachment figures.

Shame is extremely painful. When we feel it, we want to hide or disappear. We are afraid of being seen because we believe that people are interested in finding fault with us. It becomes difficult to be vulnerable and show up as we are.

Every relationship has its problems and disagreements are a normal part of them. The secret resides in the ability to talk about the hurt in a vulnerable way.

Attachment injuries occur when the injured person cannot trust the other to be there for them anymore. When they talk about the injury, the one who has hurt the other justifies their action and minimizes the other person's feelings. The one who felt hurt might also focus on attacking the other instead of communicating the hurt from a point of vulnerability. Every time they talk about the problem, the victim feels injured again and the hurt grows thus creating more disconnection and resentment.

Couples become disconnected when they do not share what they feel. They might not be in touch with their emotions or be afraid of expressing them. Many times they act upon their emotions instead of making them clear. In this video podcast, we talk about the importance of being vulnerable. When we reveal our emotions to each other in a vulnerable way, we bring our partner closer and we feel more connected.

When couples cannot get along, they come up with explanations for their distress. They tell themselves stories about themselves, their partners, and the relationship. They might say that they did not have enough time to know each other, they are too different, or they are beyond repair. They build negative cases against each other to understand why they are so disconnected. These stories fuel their disconnection and cause more suffering.

The pursuer feels disconnected from the withdrawer and points out the problem. The withdrawer says there is no problem when the disconnection seems so obvious to the pursuer. The pursuer feels dismissed and ignored and becomes louder to get the attention of the withdrawer who feels attacked and shuts down. The withdrawer may also get mad and explode. As they keep on fighting for their relationship, they feel increasingly hopeless.

Human beings are social by nature. Our brain is designed for connection and from the moment we are born we seek proximity to others. Connection with a loved one makes us feel strong and secure. Our brain works at an optimal level, and we become curious and creative. We are more courageous, and the challenges of life seem less threatening. Like a child who explores the world certain that their parents are there for them, we tackle our duties with the confidence that our soul mate has our back.