Time to Feel

Welcome everybody to another episode of Time to Feel. In case you don’t know who I am, my name is Holly Soulié. I am an emotional health mentor and the owner of the Emotional Health Shop on Etsy.

Today we’re going to talk about signs that your childhood was codependent.

This is really important because how you were raised

affects you on every level emotionally as an adult.

It affects your romantic relationships, your friendships, your relationship to yourself, your work, your relationship with your family, everything.

And codependency is a very ingrained state of being. . So if you were raised this way, it will affect you and how you interact with every single person. Until you can bring awareness to that. When you can say, Oh, this is why I am the way I am. That explains why I do this certain behavior.

I can see that from my childhood, then that empowers you to start seeing your own patterns and then helping yourself heal from it.

So I want to talk about this from a place of behaviors that you do as an adult that indicate that your childhood was probably codependent. So let’s jump right into it.

The first sign that your childhood was codependent is if you have a hard time setting boundaries as an adult.

For example, saying no to your partner is super uncomfortable for you. Setting a limit with your in laws makes you want to run and hide. Telling your boss that your workload is too much just puts knots in your stomach. If you avoid setting boundaries in general and this is describing you, then it’s a pretty big sign that you were raised codependently.

you’re not self empowered setting boundaries as an adult, then it’s a very clear sign that you were not empowered to set them as a child.

That means that maybe you tried to say no as a kid. But your parents or caregivers never honored your no.

They would consistently ignore what you wanted and do what they wanted instead.

Or maybe your parents controlled your choices and forced you to do things that they wanted.

Or maybe you were just never given an option to give input on big decisions that impacted you.

So I was raised in a very codependent home. My family was Mormon and Mormons baptize their kids at age eight. And I remember watching my dad make the phone call to schedule my baptism

and thinking he didn’t even ask if I wanted to get baptized or not.

That was a huge decision that greatly impacted me and I was never asked about it. There was never a conversation.

I got the message that what I wanted didn’t matter

and that I have to be who they want me to be so that I can be accepted. When

you have that repeated experience growing up, Then your very wise child mind understands, Oh, it’s futile When I try to set a boundary.

My parents don’t respond to that. They constantly override me.

I’m going to fall in line with who they want me to be so that I can get my needs met.

Which includes both your survival needs of food and shelter and your emotional needs for love and acceptance.

So you essentially learn that in order to be loved and accepted, you can’t be somebody who sets boundaries.

You have to be somebody who does what they’re told, who doesn’t question authority, who doesn’t have any input and just has to fall in line.

Keep in mind that what I’m talking about is when that was your experience consistently growing up.

Because parents cannot honor their children’s boundaries 24 Let’s be very clear about that.

I’m not saying that just because your parents didn’t give into your every whim that your upbringing was codependent.

An extreme example is you can’t just let a two year old run into the road because that’s their boundary and that’s what they want.

No,

 

Welcome to the second season of Time to Feel. In case you don’t know who I my name is Holly Soulié. I am an emotional health mentor and owner of the Emotional Health Shop on Etsy. So I want to say thank you all so much for your support with this podcast. I’ve gotten a lot of really beautiful notes about it and it’s been highly requested even though I haven’t recorded a new episode in a long time. So I really, really appreciate that and  thank you so much for your support.

In today’s episode, we’re going to talk about three reasons why grieving a toxic person is so hard. And I want to talk about this because, to be super honest, the number one Google search consistently since 2020 that has brought people to my website is why it’s so hard to let go of someone who treats you bad.

I’ve got a couple of blog posts on it, I also have a workbook on it that I’ll talk more about later. But that is the number one thing that people come to my website for. And I have been there, I have had to grieve toxic people as well.

What Does Toxicity Mean?

And if you are listening to this, then chances are that you’ve been there, too. So, before we dive into why it’s so hard to move on from toxic people, let’s first define what toxic actually means. This is a really popular word that we all use, quite a bit nowadays. But what does it actually mean to be toxic?

to me, there is a huge range of what you could call toxic behavior, or even toxic people. On the lower end of the spectrum, the lighter version, there are the people who unintentionally treat you badly.

Maybe they lack boundaries, maybe they invade your space with intrusive questions, unsolicited advice, that type of thing. It’s behavior that can be seen as toxic. But most likely, it’s unintentional. In fact, they might have good intentions behind that.

But it’s still toxic behavior because it’s unwanted, it doesn’t feel good, and it’s intrusive. on the other end of the spectrum, like way, way, way on the other end of the spectrum, Are the people who intentionally hurt others. this is the type of person like narcissistic abusers, sociopaths, people who are  generally abusive and are actively hurting and abusing people for their own gain.

Whatever that gain is, it’s for their own gain. Then in the middle of the spectrum are the people who do a little bit of both. They might be hurtful, they might be controlling, they might be manipulative.  Sometimes it’s intentional and sometimes they’re unaware of how their actions affect you.

That’s how I define toxicity, which is a range of hurtful behaviors, whether intentionally or unintentionally, that drain your energy, violates your boundaries, and deteriorates trust with that person.

Reason #1 Why It’s Hard To Grieve A Toxic Person: They’re Lovable

Why is it so hard to grieve someone who’s toxic? the first reason is because toxic people tend to be very charming and very lovable. They literally give you reasons to love them. My dad, who has since passed away, was a narcissistic abuser, and he was so charming. He could make anyone laugh, he could work a crowd, he was super funny,  in general, you wanted to have a good time with him.

This is how a lot of toxic people are. They charm you, and they pull you in with their amazing personalities. If they’re extra toxic, they might even, at the beginning of the relationship, shower you with  a ton of love and attention.

This is Time to Feel, Episode number 8.

Hey everyone, I’m Holly Soulie. Welcome to another episode of Time to Feel. Today we’re going to talk about some of the common emotions you might feel, and how you can identify them.

When I first started paying attention to my emotions, I would get really frustrated with myself because I knew that I felt SOMETHING, but I wasn’t sure what it was or what to do about it.

So, the more I tuned into my feelings, the easier it became to know which emotion was happening. And the more you know what emotion you’re feeling, the better equipped you are to address it.

This is the first part of becoming emotionally intelligent – to actually be aware of what you’re feeling.

Before we start, I want to give a disclaimer for a couple of emotions we’re going to talk about – namely depression and anxiety.

Depression and anxiety are in their own category because they’re mental health disorders and that’s something you need to address with a medical professional. I don’t want you to think that I’m dismissing them and saying depression or anxiety is all in your head because it isn’t.

But, even if you have these conditions like I myself do, there are still a lot of tools and skills you can learn to manage them and feel empowered with. So, we’re going to look at them from the angle of what can I do about them when I feel them?

Alright, let’s jump in and talk about some specific emotions you can start being aware of.

The first emotion we’re going to talk about is depression. And one of the things that depression can mask is anger that you don’t think you’re justified in having.

For example, the first time my dad went to prison, I had a lot of anger toward him that I shoved away over the years. I never realized how angry I was at him for it all because I loved him so much and didn’t know it was possible to love someone yet be so angry with them at the same time.

However, a few years after that when I had a mental health collapse and became severely depressed, I started seeing what could be driving this depression. And sure enough, there was a lot of anger under the surface that I didn’t know what to do with.

But once I addressed it, and started working through it, it helped my depression a lot.

Even to this day, when I feel more depressed, I’ll sit down and see what emotions I might be hiding from myself and why.

So, if depression is something you struggle with, ask yourself if there might be any feelings you may have pushed under the surface.

The next emotion we’re going to talk about is anxiety.

You’ve probably heard that anxiety means that you’re living in the fear of the future. But anxiety is also a signal that you need to stop and pay attention to your needs.

A lot of times, I get anxious because I’m doing way too many things at once. In this case, it’s important to stop and see how you can take things one step at a time.

On the other hand, it can also show you that you have some fears that need to be addressed.

For instance, the other day I was feeling anxious about the upcoming weekend. Since I had so much to do, I wasn’t sure I could do it all.

So, I took time to think about why I was so anxious. Then I removed a few things from my to-do list and made a more realistic, digestible list for myself.  That helped calm my mind enough so I could find some peace.

Next up is jealousy. Generally, jealousy shows you that you want what someone else has, but you don’t feel like you deserve it or that it’s not attainable to you. But a part of you really wants it.

Here’s a story to demonstrate this. Before I was married, I knew this couple who took really good care of each other. And I was SO jealous of the wife and actually had a couple of dreams about it.

Well, at the time I didn’t believe that I was worthy of having a partner take good care of me. So,

Episode Transcript

Time to Feel, Episode 7

How to Stop Trying to Get Everyone to Like You

Hey everyone! Welcome to another episode of Time of Feel. I’m your hostess, Holly Soulie, and today, we’re going to talk about how to stop trying to get everyone to like you.

I used to struggle trying to get absolutely everyone to like me. But after a while, it got really uncomfortable. So I decided to make some changes. If you can relate, here’s how to stop trying to get everyone to like you.

First of all, it’s natural and healthy to want people to like you.

You can want people to like you without needing them to like you. 

When you want people to like you, it means you still feel good about yourself even if someone doesn’t like you.

On the other hand, when you need everyone to like you, you feel bad if they don’t.

So, let me share with you the 4 steps to stop needing everyone to like you.

Let’s start with Step #1 Acknowledge the Pattern

First, you have to acknowledge that what you’ve been doing is no longer working for you. 

A few years ago at work, I was on a team with someone who didn’t like me very much. It seemed like no matter what I did, I could never get her to like me. 

No matter what jokes or light conversations I tried to strike up with her, nothing worked.

I even tried having a direct, open conversation with her about how we could work better together.

Basically, I really put myself out there (really far…way too far actually) to not only try to work well with her but also to try and get her to like me. 

And it stressed me out so bad! I would think about it outside of work hours because every interaction felt like pulling teeth. 

Eventually, I got so tired that I finally acknowledged that it just wasn’t working to try and get her to like me. I was making myself miserable and it was adding stress to my life. 

Next, Step #2 Commit to Working On It 

Second, you have to commit to yourself that you’re going to work on the need to get everyone to like you.

And this is important because the need to be liked can run deep, even back to your childhood. That means that when you try and get someone to like you, it can actually feel compulsive. 

Looking back at this relationship with my coworker, I remember saying things and acting in a desperate way that really wasn’t me. 

For me, committing to working on it meant that I was committing to stopping myself in my tracks whenever I would realize I was making another desperate joke or comment to her. 

When you consciously commit to yourself that you’re going to work on it, then you’ll be able to choose a new way to do things.

Next, step #3 is to Refocus Your Energy on Yourself

Now that you’ve committed to stop trying to get everyone to like you, you’re ready to start actively working on it!

Next, choose one specific relationship you want to work on. For example, that one specific person that doesn’t like you and it drives you crazy. You could start there.

So, now it’s time to unplug your energy from that person. 

When you ‘unplug’ from someone,

Episode Transcript

Hey everyone! Welcome to another episode of Time of Feel. I’m your hostess, Holly Soulie, and today, we’re going to talk about overcoming codependency.

When you find out you’re codependent, it can be a little shocking. That was definitely the case for me.

But once I knew, I could start taking steps to work on it and try to overcome it.

So, to start off, I want to share with you the moment where I realized I wasn’t healthy in my relationships.

Back in 2011, I was doing a semester abroad in China.

And even though I was studying marketing, I had regularly Skyped with my pharmacist father back home to ask him questions about my homework. 

When I went to class the next day, I mentioned to my professor that I had asked my dad about the homework. Her response was, “Is your dad the source for everything in your life?”

I had apparently been talking about him a lot, but I didn’t realize it was enough to have ever given someone this impression. Also, it really was silly to ask him questions on the topic I was studying. He had absolutely zero knowledge or expertise about marketing!

In that moment, I was so ashamed. I remember going back to my apartment and crying because I was so upset with this realization. At that point, my dad really was the source of everything for me. 

The more I thought about it, the more it became clear that I wasn’t very independent from him. In fact, when I researched “how to be independent from your parents,” I discovered codependency.

So, what is Codependency?

Well, I found on Psychology Today that codependency is defined as a behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.

Yikes. Reading that, I knew it described what I was experiencing.

Honestly, I wasn’t sure what to do. But a switch had been turned on inside of me. So, I decided to start finding ways to become more independent and to emotionally rely less on my friends and loved ones.

Here’s how I did that.

The first step was that I Started Getting in Touch with Myself as an individual.

Because, one of the problems with codependency is something called enmeshment. That’s where you lose sight of where you begin, and where the other person ends.

So, I decided to start journaling to figure out who I was. This was the simplest, cheapest way I could start spending quality time with myself.

Every day, I wrote down the question, who am I? And each day I would record my response. Sometimes it would be a drawing, sometimes it would be words. Whatever came to me that day is what I would put down.

As I started doing this daily exercise in my journal, I began to spend more time with my own ideas of who I truly am in a way that no one else could define for me.

Also, I started discovering what I wanted for myself.

And it helped me see myself more as an individual, and less as someone who was merely quote on quote codependent.

So, step one was that I started getting in touch with my individuality.

Step #2 was that I started Addressing all of my Uncomfortable, Repressed Emotions

When I was journaling, I realized that I had a lot of repressed emotions toward my dad, especially.

Hey everyone. Welcome to another episode of Time to Feel. It’s been a little while since our last episode. I’ve had some intense months recently. I unfortunately lost my dad around Thanksgiving and have been on the roller coaster of grief. But I’m back now, and I’m so glad you’re joining me.

So today, we’re going to be talking about how to build self-trust.

This is an important topic to me, because trusting yourself is absolutely crucial to having inner peace, feeling good about yourself and having a version of life that feels right for you. So, let’s get right into it.

My first tip to start trusting yourself is to start making one small promise to yourself on a daily basis, and keeping it no matter what.

When I first started paying attention to my emotions and getting to know who I am, I was very intentional about rebuilding trust with myself. Up until that point, I had spent my life trusting everyone else more than I trusted myself. I thought everyone knew better than me. So, after 20 years of being in a codependent relationship with my dad and my entire family, my self-trust was very deteriorated.

So, I wanted to prove to myself that I could rely on myself no matter what. So, I decided to do one simple thing each day at the same time to start establishing that trustworthiness, and in turn, my own confidence.

I started with something very low-stake. Meaning, if I missed doing it, I wouldn’t lose anything. What I chose to do was say the Lord’s Prayer every single day at noon.

At that time, I was a nanny in Boulder, Colorado. So, midday, I knew I would be eating lunch with the little girls I took care of. I would glance at the clock and as soon as it hit noon, I would say the Lord’s Prayer in my head.

And I did that every day for many years. Even today, I still see the clock strike 12 and I’ll think that Prayer to myself.

What I established from keeping this promise was two things. One, I proved to myself over a long period of time that I could trust myself to do one tiny thing each day no matter what. That gave me a lot more confidence than I expected, because by doing it, I was providing myself with concrete evidence that I could start trusting myself. And maybe if I could do this small thing, I could probably trust myself to do bigger, more important things.

The second thing I established by keeping this specific promise to myself was that I could do something on my own without any external reminders. I didn’t use an alarm or any notifications on my phone to remind me to say the Lord’s Prayer at twelve exactly. It required me to use my own will forces to dedicate my energy to something that was important to me. So, it also strengthened my will.

If you choose to do something every day to start building trust with yourself, you don’t necessarily need to do it at the same time like I did.

But start as small as possible and choose something low stake that you won’t have any negative consequences from. You could promise yourself to flip a light switch off and on when you use it. Or to click your pen three times sometime during the day. Just little, silly things that don’t make a difference to anyone but you.

Over time, you’ll start feeling different toward yourself. Not only will you slowly build trust with yourself, but you’ll also start feeling more connected to yourself because you’re dedicating time to your own growth.

So, that’s my first tip – to make one small, inconsequential promise to yourself every day,

Managing your energy during the pandemic can be difficult. What should you do on those days that you simply don't feel like doing anything at all? Holly shares her best tips with you for what to do when your energetic tank is empty.

Episode Transcript

I recently got a question from a listener: ‘how can you start standing up for yourself? I have such a hard time doing it because I don’t want people to not like me.’

First of all, thanks for sending me your question. This is something I’ve struggled with, and I know a lot of my blog readers do as well.

So, let’s talk about it. How can you start standing up for yourself or speaking up when it’s difficult?

The first thing I would say is decide if it’s worth it. There are times when it’ll be really important for you to stand up for yourself, and other times that it’s ok to just let it slide.

For example, I used to have a coworker who would frequently come to me with 9-11 emergency situations. After a while of helping her at the drop of a hat, I got really sick of bending over backwards for her.

So, I stood up to her, which was really scary for me because this woman was very intense and confrontational.

But I did it anyway. I was all shaky, and nervous. I told her I couldn’t help her this time because my plate was too full, and that in the future I would need more notice so I could organize my other tasks as well.

Well, she did NOT take it very well. She blew up at me, and stormed out of the room. We could definitely classify this as an emotional bullying situation.

I let her have those emotions (which is something we’ll talk about next), and just kept my distance. I also let my manager know what happened, and luckily she supported me.

So, it was a difficult moment. But that coworker DID start giving me a bit more notice when she needed my help after that.

So for me in that situation, not only was it worth it to stand up for myself, it was also crucial for my mental health.

However, there are other times when it’s just not worth it to speak up or stand up for yourself.

For instance, once I went to a meet-up group here in Montreal, where I was playing board games with new people. And when I told the group I was from Utah, one man asked me if my father was a polygamist, which he isn’t. But I found that to be a very offensive question to ask someone you’re just meeting. Like, how personal can you get? Asking someone you just met about their parent’s marital situation.

So, since this guy was just an acquaintance, I didn’t have anything invested in that relationship. It’s a low-value relationship for me. He didn’t affect my day-to-day life, and I would probably never see him again. So, it’s not a relationship that I wanted to invest much energy into.

So, I just told him, ‘I don’t really want to talk about that.’ And I moved on. However, I could have gone into the history of Utah, how the state was built by Mormon polygamists, but now modern Mormons no longer practice polygamy. But I didn’t because it wasn’t worth it to me.

And for those moments when you decide you don’t need to speak up, don’t shame or judge yourself for it. Not every situation calls for it. But it’s up to you to decide if it IS worth it given the context.

My next tip is that you need to allow people to have their emotions when you stand up for yourself. You never know how they’ll react. They might react way better or way worse than you expect. But whatever the outcome, remember that you can’t control how people think or feel.

In the example with my coworker, I could have done emotional care taking and tried to take responsibility for her emotional reaction. I could have apologized for upsetting her, or I could have backtracked with what I said and offered to do her last minute project out of guilt, which is what my natural instinct was trying to tell me to do.

But I stayed firm, even though it was difficult.

I’m not saying that you need to be a jerk and speak recklessly without caring how you might affect other people. I’m saying that when you decide to speak up,

Episode Transcript

Hey friends, welcome to the second episode of Time to Feel. I’m your hostess, Holly Soulié. And today we’re going to talk about how to process your emotions in 3 steps.

Before we dive in, I want to start with a disclaimer. Processing your emotions isn’t for everyone, so please check with a medical professional to see if it’s ok for you.

Now, let’s get into it!

So, for me, I kind of bumped into processing my emotions on my own. Let me tell you about it.

When I was 23, I moved by myself across the country to Asheville, North Carolina. I was on a mission to get to know who I really was. I had just left Mormonism, and wanted to know who I was out of the context I had always known.

I got the cutest little studio apartment – and for the first – and only time ever – I lived alone.

Well, actually, I wasn’t completely alone. I adopted my cat named Valentin. And it was just the two of us in that little corner apartment, with worn out hardwood floors, and a blue tiled fireplace.

I loved that place so much. It became a haven for me to explore myself and who I was becoming.

So, when I had a hard day at work, or was upset, or homesick, I wanted to know WHY. Like, why was I feeling so many emotions? What did that mean for me? I would pour myself into my journal and write out everything I was feeling.

And, as you might remember from last time, I totally shoved my emotions down for my entire life up until that point.

So, investigating my feelings was something very new for me. And the more I started paying attention to my emotions, the better I began to know myself. It helped me feel more comfortable in my own skin, more at peace.

And I loved how that felt, so I wanted to do it as much as I could.

So, what does it mean to process your emotions?

Basically, it’s when you take the feedback that your emotions are trying to give you, and break it down into digestible pieces of information that you can understand and do something about.

It also decreases your stress to break down your feelings. Esther Perel is one of my favorite therapists. And something she always says is that it’s stress-relieving to name your own emotions.

If you can get past the initial layer of saying, ‘I’m stressed,’ or ‘I’m anxious,’ and go beneath what that actually means, you decrease your stress. Then, it empowers you to better figure out strategies to help yourself feel better.

So, for instance, if you’re upset by something but you’re not sure exactly what you’re feeling or why, you could sit down with yourself and try to figure that out. 

So, now I’ll share with you my formula for how to process your emotions in 3 steps.

Step #1 is to write out the who, what, when and why of your upsetting emotion. Basically, that means writing down the entire situation in as much detail as possible.

So, you’d write out WHO is involved in your upsetting emotion. Is it just you? Is it your boss, your spouse, your in-law? Write out who is upsetting you in the particular instance.

Then you’d write out WHAT about the situation is upsetting you. Are you upset because you got passed up for a promotion, because you feel like someone is taking advantage of you, or because you can’t find motivation? Whatever is upsetting you, try to name describe it.

And if you aren’t sure about what’s bothering you, ask yourself what it MIGHT be about. If you DID know what was upsetting you, what would that be?

So, step one is to write about what happened, who was involved and why it upsets you.

Then the second step is to detail how that makes you feel. When my boss passed me up for a promotion, it made me feel angry, it made me feel invisible, it made me feel like I don’t matter.

Or, when my in-law ignores my calls, it makes me feel frustrated, confused or powerless.

Episode Transcript

Hey friends and welcome to the very first episode of Time to Feel, a podcast to increase your emotional health. I’m your hostess Holly Soulié. And today we’re going to talk about how to stop hating your emotions.

But since it’s our very first episode, I want to tell you about who I am, what I do and why. 

I am the owner of Holly Soulié Emotional Health, and I create emotional health resources for kind people so that you can embrace your emotions and reclaim your power.

I’m also the founder of the Feel and Heal Crew, a healing community where I train you on how to work through one emotional health topic each month. We talk about things like people pleasing, codependency, setting boundaries, and lots more.

My why, the reason why I do this is because, well, I want to. And it makes me happy. 

But also because my whole life growing up, I suppressed my emotions. It was what everyone around me did, and so that’s all that I really knew how to do. 

I honestly never thought about what I was feeling. Anytime I felt something, I would get very annoyed with myself and would push the feeling away, and just tried to go on my life the best I could.

But that stopped working for me when I was 17, because my dad went to prison for committing a white collar crime. 

And my entire world came crumbling down around me. 

My dad and I were like two peas in a pod. He was my rock, he was pretty much the world to me. We were highly codependent, but that’s a story for another time. 

When my dad went to prison, my mom relied heavily on me for emotional support. So, I basically became the parent to my mom at that age. And since my siblings were all out of the house already, it was just the two of us.

On top of that, I was about to graduate high school and felt very alone with my dad gone. I was about to go out into the world, and I didn’t feel like I had any guidance or any idea about what to do with my life.

With all that, I broke down pretty hard. I stopped eating. Getting out of bed was a daily battle. And I felt like I had no purpose or support. 

It was the darkest point of my life. 

I didn’t have the skills to manage all the things I was feeling. 

But somehow I managed to barely make it out of that period. But I was completely numb, suicidal and was weighed down by years of suppressed emotions. 

Fast forward two years to when my friend called me up. He told me that his mom had just done some group therapy program and that he had never actually seen her happy before.

Then he invited me to try it out with him.

So we went with a group of friends to this weekend program for self-realization.

And at one point, the group facilitator had us address our own anger. They walked us through how to work through all these pent up emotions. And their method was to have us hit pillows or a chair or to yell. It was a safe space where they coached us through it all.

That was new for me. But I really went for it. 

After that exercise, I felt so different. I felt alive again in a way that I hadn’t in years, if ever. And I felt so connected to myself. 

And I was hooked. The only thing I wanted after that was to make that feeling last as long as possible, the feeling of being me. Of loving myself, of feeling so proud and radiant in my own skin.