Timonspodcast

Timonspodcast

By Timon NimtzSociety & Culture
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Timonspodcast episodes

  • Teens and Twenties - AFBF/Dadcast

    Aiming for Biblical Families (AFBF). This is week 8's teaching of an 8-week series taught by my dad. We will only release 7 of the 8 episodes. 


    When our children were young, I remember hearing something over and over. “
    Enjoy them while they’re young, because you are going to regret the teen years.” I mostly heard this from church people. And even though I had not yet experienced the teen years, I decided that this view was unacceptable. Consequently, I have enjoyed every stage that my children have gone through. And now they are old enough to be my friends. I challenge you to do the same with your children.

    I know that in our present culture teens and older children are rebelling against

    their parents at an alarming rate. This is a real problem. And our culture seems to encourage them to buck against every kind of authority. The culture of my grandparents and great-grandparents encouraged biblical values even though many were not authentic Christians. This is no longer the case; we live in a post-Christian society. But no matter what the culture says, our standard is the same: we are to raise up biblical and morally responsible families.

     

    Teenage Rebellion

    Since the 1970s parents have become more and more child-centered. A

    consequence of this is that parents have redefined teenage rebellion as a “phase.” It is not a phase, it is rebellion, no matter what age you are. You can’t show me a verse that defends teenage rebellion as a phase. This also negates the argument that teenage rebellion is due to hormonal change. It’s true that hormones are changing for a teenager; but, teenage rebellion is actually exposing problems that occurred in the younger years and haven’t been properly addressed yet. Now it’s going to be harder. If your child learned healthy boundaries when he was younger and was characterized by obedience, then he can handle less boundaries as he gets older. You don’t have to hover over him, or constantly prod him to do what is right. And he will enjoy the fact that you trust him to do what is right. Children should enjoy more and more freedom as they age because they are characterized by being trustworthy. If your teen is continually rebelling, you will have to come up with ways to enforce boundaries (remember, spanking is unacceptable at this point). But you also want them to know that if they begin to handle these boundaries, in a mature manner, they will gain more freedom. Their attitude is actually the key to their own freedom. Help them to see that they actually have the power to change their situation. Let them know this. Let them know you want to see them excel in gaining more freedom. That you are actually for them, not against them. Keep in mind what I said a couple of weeks back: younger children rebel against authority, teens often are rebelling against a broken relationship. Find out with your teen where that brokenness has occurred. Work it out together, this will resolve relational conflict. Now that we are talking about teens, I want to give you another tool.

     

    The Appeal Process

    There are different places in the Bible, where you see the appeal process being

    used. Daniel chapter 1 is one of those places. Daniel and his friends (who were war refugees as young teens) knew that they should not compromise their faith by eating food dedicated to idols. But they were commanded by their Babylonian authorities to eat food from the king's table. So Daniel appealed to his immediate advisor to test them for 10 days. They would only eat vegetables so as not violate their dietary laws. The result was that Daniel and his friends excelled in their health. After this test, their supervisor allowed them to eat vegetables and not break their dietary laws. Daniel honored God, he also honored his authorities by appealing to them for permission to eat according to his conscience.

    Here is an example: your son is in the middle of playing a video game with his

    friends online. You come and tell him that supper is waiting on the table and to come immediately. If he disobeys he is violating Ephesians 6:1 (children, obey your parents). If you force him to quit the game, you have frustrated him because you haven’t given him time to finish a task that was important to him. Now you are violating Ephesians 6:4 (fathers, do not exasperate your children).

    In this case, your son can ask, “ May I appeal?” You would respond, “Yes.”

    And he would say, “I only have five minutes left of this game with all of my friends, would you be OK if I finished it and then came to supper immediately?” This gives you
    information you may not have been aware of. And if it seems like a reasonable request, you should agree to it. Notice how the appeal process is the bridge between Ephesians 6:1 and 6:4.

    Note how the appeal process was activated. The teen initiated the conversation

    by providing new information to the parent. The parent needs to listen to the information and came up with an answer. The answer may be yes, no, or maybe. If it is no, or maybe, you need to give a good reason why.

    This process prevents parents from becoming arbitrary or legalistic. It allows

    the teen to give information without being rebellious. And it helps teens to transition into self-government throughout the coaching phase of parenting.

    As I said, earlier, our culture has become very child-centered. Interestingly, both permissive and authoritarian models produce teenagers who reject their parents. Permissive parents avoid conflict. This is why they bow to their children’s demands. As a self-centered child reaches the late teens and early 20's, the tension is often too much for parents. The parents typically detach or distance themselves from the relationship. And since the child has been trained to avoid resolution, they will probably act in a similar manner. This is the model they grew up under.

    An authoritarian parent can force young children to bend to their will. But as a

    child gets older, it becomes harder for an authoritarian parent to force them to comply to every wish. The children begin to see the hypocrisy of a parent who demands every rule to be obeyed, while the parent can break any of their own rules. Teens hate hypocrisy and teens hate enslavement. They will reject the parent/child relationship and leave the home as soon as possible. They may even retaliate physically, if they have to, before they leave. It's never too late to try and correct your mistakes. If you have parented in either extreme, authoritarian or permissive, the first step is to realize it. Next, ask your children for forgiveness. Let them know you are working on your parenting skills and you will need their patience in this new adventure. I think you will be surprised at how willing most children are to give you a second chance, If the relationship is so broken that they reject you, do what is right anyway. You may see healing years later. If not, you are still accountable for your actions regardless of their response.

     

    Build Your Family Identity

    So here’s what I want you to do: build a biblical family identity. Deuteronomy

    11:19 tells us to speak about God’s word continuously. Read the word to your children.

    Do daily devotions with them. As they become teens, teach them how to read the word for themselves. Encourage them be involved at church. And by the way, it doesn’t have to be at your church. As my children got older, I let them go to different churches, as long as they were plugged in somewhere. Teach them to take ownership of their own faith. They have to know that they have made the choice to follow God, they don’t follow Him just because you are a Christian. Also tell them what your purpose in the kingdom is and how you came to know about it. Tell them how you see God moving in their life, what God seems to be calling them to for the future. Let them know He will fill in the details as time

    goes on.

    Parents must provide a biblical family identity for their children. Sometimes the

    kids would say to me, “Such and such a family does it this way.” And I would say, “That’s OK, but you are a Nimtz, and this is how we do things.” This informs your children that the culture doesn’t define them. God, and you as the parent, define the family. Obviously, you need to be grounded in Scripture in order to form a biblical family identity.

    I would also often tell the kids that if I had a chance to pick from all the children

    of the world, I would choose them. This is not to devalue other children, but my kids knew that they were more important to me than anyone else. They knew that they were unique. They knew that they belonged to me, and that our family had purpose in the Kingdom of God. Again, you don’t have to devalue other families to do this; but, they do need to know that God has specific plans for the family they have been placed into.

    If a family identity is weak, the child will find their identity in their peers. Do

    you trust your children’s peer group to mold their future? In the past, about three or four generations ago, parents could lean on the culture to help provide a biblical structure for their children. Our society back then wasn’t necessarily truly Christian, but it had tenets of Christianity woven into it. We no longer have that luxury. But look at it this way, the shallow veneer of a false American Christianity has been removed from our culture. So now is the time for you to raise up an authentically biblical family.

     

    Appendix: being vulnerable.


    Week 1: the curtain story.

    We bought our first house in 1994. Timon was around two and Hadassah was a

    newborn. I was in our front room standing on a ladder, trying to install some new curtains. These curtains draped down to the floor, and down at the bottom of the ladder was my little toddler. He was yanking on the curtains while I was trying to install them. I was getting frustrated with all the things I had to do as well as probably things he had been getting into. None of his actions were actually rebellious. He was just curious. But I had had enough. I scolded him and yelled so loud that it scared him. His face flooded with fear and he ran away. At this moment I realized I was going to become a parent like my previous generations. And I cried out to God and said to myself, “This can’t happen.” It wasn’t long after this when the opportunity of taking a parenting class was presented. This class trained me to turn away from punishing out of anger or frustration and move to the model of biblical training. This was a lifesaver. It broke generations of parental ignorance. And I want to hold the same opportunity out to you.


    Week 2: law vs principal.

    When Allayah was in high school, she went to a garage sale. She got some items from the garage sale and they were in a red basket. The folks at the garage sale told her just to keep the basket for free, no problem. She actually liked the basket better than the items in it. When she got home, we discovered that the basket was from a CVS drugstore. I told her that we needed to return the basket because it was CVS property and it didn’t belong to us. Even though she didn’t steal it from the store, even though someone else may have stolen it, it still belonged to CVS. So we took it back and placed it in the store. Now the law is “Do not steal.” Technically, she didn’t steal. But by taking the basket back, we corrected a wrong that someone else had done. We satisfied the principal of restoring stolen property to its rightful owner. Nobody noticed that she had done what was right. She was not thanked by the store for doing good. However, God was honored by doing the right thing. That is the best reward.

    Week 3

    As the children got older, we became more busy and stopped practicing couch time.


    My wife and I do talk about what we need to cover throughout the week; however, we don’t sit down on the couch at a certain time of day like we used to. So, maybe we need to come up with
    an alternative.


    Week 4

    I have suggested this to many people and I want to share this with you. Write a love letter to your child and every couple of years add a paragraph to it. I started doing this when my children were young because I wanted them to know how much they meant to me. I wanted them to know what God was doing in their life in case something happened to me. They needed to know from their Dad what I valued in each child, and what God was aiming them towards. I can’t tell you how much this means to your your children. Do it!

    Week 5

    The whole concept of using Mr. and Mrs. was foreign to me. I didn’t like it when I heard it. But I decided to do a little experiment. So I asked children to call me Mr. N. There were one or two sets of parents that didn’t like my suggestion, and they told their kids to call me by my first name. Since I was not their authority, I didn’t make it an issue. But what I noticed is that the children that called me Mr. N. had more respect for me. There was a healthy distance between me and them. I was an adult, I was not just another child in their peer group. Those that called me by my first name treated me with the same respect they gave their friend group. Imagine a 10 year old thinking that we were on the same level. And since their parents didn’t respect my wishes, I didn’t take it personally, but I did notice the difference between each set of children. I also purposely had as little interaction with those children as possible.


    Week 6

    I have observed parents who have moved towards each extreme. Those who are authoritarian now have children that don’t want anything to do with Christianity or the church.


    They have even cut off ties with their parents. And yet their parents were very committed to church and to their faith. On the other hand, I have observed some parents who were very permissive. Their children have become very self-centered. In fact, one family has restraining orders against their own child. So, the law has had to step in because they failed to parent well in the early years. By the way, I was admonished by both groups of parents. One group said I was too strict, the other said I was too lenient.

    Week 7

    Sometimes you make a mistake in correcting your children. I have had to ask

    forgiveness from my children. Sometimes I was too quick to punish when I didn’t know the whole story. Sometimes I let things go that should have been dealt with immediately. Don’t be afraid to ask for forgiveness, children are very forgiving early on. But, if they have had years of disappointment from you, it will be harder to amend the relationship. They may not be willing to forgive you. But don't give up on doing what is right.

    33 min
  • Austin Kaufman - EP:103

    Welcome back to another podcast. I have the pleasure of sitting down with Austin Kaufman. He is the pastor of Goshen First Brethren Church. We talk about how he ended up at First Brethern, homesteading, education and so much more. 

     

    Please enjoy our conversation. 

     

    You can find him at 

    Goshen First Brethren Church

    215 W Clinton St, Goshen, IN 46526

    On Facebook - Goshen First Brethren Church

    www.gobrethren.org


    Check out our sponsor - Quite River Massage and Revival. This business is in Syracuse, IN, founded by Jasmine, LMT. Jasmin provides 30, 60, 90-minute massages, with the option to add hot rocks or essential oils. Treat yourself to relaxation this new year by scheduling a massage. She has appointments available Monday through Saturday. You can schedule online at https://quiet-river-massage-and-revival.square.site or text her 574-501-3338

    You can reach me at 

    or on twitter @timonspodcast

     

     

    New Year New Me

     

     

    1 hr 12 min
  • Don’t Sabotage the Process - AFBF/Dadcast

    Aiming for Biblical Families (AFBF). This is week 6's teaching of an 8-week series taught by my dad. We will only release 7 of the 8 episodes. We talk a little about the 7th conversation at the end of this episode.


    Show notes below.

    The show Questions are below that.

     

    Don't Sabotage the Process

    The fifth commandment, Exodus 20:12, says to “honor your father and your

    mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.” Colossians 3:20 says “children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. ”Child-centered parenting tends to ignore this principle. But vs 21 is just as important, which says, “Fathers not to embitter your children or they will become discouraged” (athumeo, which is to be broken in spirit). Authoritarians ignore this principle. We want to help our children honor the Lord and honor us, so that they can have a good life, a long life. Don’t weaponize these scriptures against them, carry the privilege of being a parent
    and do what is right. Train your children to the standard of Scripture. Not to how you feel, not to what the culture mandates. Sadly, parents usually don’t see the negative results of their permissive or authoritarian structures until later in life. They are unaware of the cracks forming during the adolescent years, and then torrents of conflict flood the teen years.

    Here are some ways that parents undermine their children’s training. I’m going

    to give four negative models of parenting, and I’m going to give extreme examples in order to drive home the point that these models are destructive. Don't feel condemned, all of us need correction, all of us have missed the mark somewhere. Just to let you know, I am still correcting my own misunderstandings.


    A threatening, repeating parent.

    This parent will give instructions which need to be followed. When the child

    refuses to comply, the parent then threatens punishment, but doesn’t follow through.


    Threatening then turns into bargaining. When bargaining fails, the parent has lost the battle. This then necessarily leads to punishment, which is typically weak at best. This parent wants compliance, but is unwilling to enforce the boundaries or distribute the appropriate punishment. Which means that the parent is enforcing disobedience. They console themselves that they are being patient. What they are actually doing is training the child to habitually ignore instruction. As time goes on the child will become irritated with the incessant and hollow threats of the parent. And the child’s willful disobedience is
    strengthened. This same child is also being trained to ignore God as they get older. To them, sin is a myth and God is another weak-willed parent who isn't concerned with true obedience.

    A parent who bribes.

    This parent, much like the previous one, tries to barter with a child in hopes of

    gaining obedience. When bribing doesn’t work, threats are employed. But here is what is different from the previous model: when threats do not work, scare tactics are used. For example, Mom says, “If you clean your room, I’ll give you a candy bar.” Later Mom sees that the room hasn’t been cleaned so she says, “If you don’t clean your room, I’ll have to take you to the orphanage.” I know this sounds extreme, but I have actually witnessed such tactics. This model avoids conflict through bribery; but, when results don't happen, it
    passes right by the process of repeating threats and goes straight into manipulation (which is witchcraft).


    A parent who negotiates in conflict.

    This is a tough one. Let’s say your four year old needs to eat everything on his

    plate before he can have dessert. He throws a fit. He has to spend some time in his room and then come back to the supper table to finish his plate. He eats half of it and says he’s ready for dessert. This is negotiation, this is not acceptable. He goes to his room for more contemplation. You bring him back out with the same instructions, “Finish your plate so you can have dessert.” He then finishes everything but one bite. He now expects to get dessert. This is still not acceptable because you are the parent, and he is not in charge.
    Maybe you don’t want to pick the supper table as a battlefield. There are times when a child really can't fit any more food in their stomach. And there really are foods that are odious to a child. I remember such foods. So, I am not advocating food abuse. But parents really need to promote full obedience. Honestly, this is often how we deal with
    God. We give him 50%, 70% or even 90% of what He asks. But 90% of what he asks is still disobedience. Work on getting 100% obedience from your child. Work on giving God 100% obedience. Have grace for your children since we also fall short of 100% obedience.


    A passive, compassionate parent.

    I’m not against a parent who is compassionate. But sometimes compassion is a

    mask covering the selfishness of a child. For example, your five year old son really likes the neighbor boy's bike. He takes it whenever he wants and goes for a ride. He brings it home and puts it in the garage as if it were his own bike. When the neighbor boy wants his bike, he can’t find it. It’s always in your garage. This is stealing. But the “compassionate” parent will say, “ My son is learning to mature in property rights. He feels a sense of community, that everyone should share their material items. I don't want to squelch that virtue of creating a shared community.” Or the parent may say, “ My son
    forgot that it wasn’t his bike. It was an oversight” This is covering up sin and making it look acceptable. This is not compassion, this is being an accomplice to the sin of your child. You are raising a thief. In fact, you are a thief. When your son grows up and steals a car because he feels like it, he’s going to spend time in a new community. It is called jail.


    The antidote: train to the biblical standard.

    Each parent will have a different personality or temperament. But you must be a

    team. If a child knows that Mom is more lenient on certain things, the child will use that to their advantage. Both parents have to have the same expectations and boundaries for the household. Both parents have the task of training to biblical standards. Don't play “good cop, bad cop.” This places a wedge between the “nice” parent and the “harsh” parent.


    Sometimes one parent may not want to reward or punish a child until they have consulted with their spouse. That's fine. Often my wife would tell the children, “When Dad comes home, we will both decide what to do with this situation.” That way she wasn’t conflicting with me, we made decisions as a team.

    When you give instructions, expect those instructions to be obeyed. Make sure

    you have eye contact with the child when you’re giving instructions. Have them repeat the instructions, to you. This ensures that they have understood and heard you. Then expect them to obey. You may want to give them a five minute warning so they can be ready to obey your instructions. Like when you ask them to clean their room or come to supper.
    They might need a few minutes to finish the things they were doing. Be aware of their feelings, but also expect them to complete the task you have given them.

     

    Questions


    How has your childhood affected your view of parenting?


    Do you tend to be a threatening/repeating parent?

     

    Do you fit in to the bribing parenting model?

     

    Do you negotiate in conflict?

     

    What are some steps you’re going to take to move towards scriptural parenting, rather than what you have experienced as a child?

    37 min
  • Sibcast The Sequel - EP:102

    Hello fellow friends, welcome back to another podcast.

    This is the second sibcast podcast.

    If you've not seen the first one check it out - https://youtu.be/yRU34wHbRu0

     

    We filmed this episode on Christmas day. What a blast, I know you will enjoy this.

     

    Check out our sponsor - Quite River Massage and Revival Quiet river massage is a business in Syracuse, IN, founded by jasmine, LMT. Jasmin provides 30, 60, 90-minute massages, with the option to add hot rocks or essential oils. Treat yourself to relaxation this new year by scheduling a massage. She has appointments available Monday through Saturday. You can schedule online at https://quiet-river-massage-and-revival.square.site or text her 574-501-3338

     

    You can reach me at Timonspodcast @gmail.com

    Follow me on Twitter @timonspodcast

    until next time :) bye friends

    57 min
  • Developing Biblical Behavior - AFBF/Dadcast

    Aiming for Biblical Families (AFBF). This is week 5's teaching of an 8-week series taught by my dad. We will only release 7 of the 8 episodes. 


    Show notes below. The show Questions are below that.

     

    Developing Biblical Behavior

    Proverbs 4:23 says "Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life."

    Every Christian must guard their heart from deception and rebellion. But
    recently my wife pointed out an important concept. As a parent, it is your job to guard the heart of your children until they learn how to guard it for themselves. For children, actions precede belief. For adults, belief informs their actions. When children are young you need to help them to do right actions, which will inform their worldview. As they get older, they need to understand why those actions are good. A child who obeys Mom is seen as refreshing. A grown man who only does what he is told and doesn’t know why or even care to know why, is a slave. Here are a few concepts (some biblical, some merely
    practical) that you can work on with your children.

     

    The interrupt rule.

    This is a useful tool for children. It helps the child to wait for the adult

    conversation to pause so that they can ask a question or bring up a point of interest in the conversation. If your child needs your attention they can come up to you, put their hand on your hand and wait for you to respond. This is helpful because the child knows that they will have your attention as soon as you can give it to them.


    Yes Mom, yes Dad.

    When you call a child have them answer with “Yes Mom?” not “what?” This

    answer builds respect for your leadership as a parent. It centers your family on parental authority, not child centered authority. You will have to work at helping your children get into the habit of responding this way. You can even do this when you don't have any particular instructions. For example, sometimes I would call one of the children, like Hadassah. I would call and she would come running and respond, “Yes Daddy.” And I would just say, “Love you.” There was no instruction, but I would always get, “Love you to Daddy.” There's nothing better.


    Respecting elders.

    This concept should be trained because it helps the child to focus on others

    rather than self. It alerts kids to the value of those who have had more life experience than they have. They will also be more able to receive wisdom from God, their ultimate elder (Lev.19:32).

     

    Respecting siblings.

    Respecting siblings develops family unity and lifelong friendships. It helps train

    selfishness out of each child, and brings peace to the home (Pr.12:10). We trained our children that each sibling would be a life-long friend. And that they should defend and cherish that bond.


    Respecting property.

    Vandalism is a sign of cultural decay. Destroying your own property is stupid.

    Destroying another person's property is criminal. We are to respect and honor other people and their property (Ex.20:15).

    Respect for nature (God’s property).

    Littering, destroying nature, killing animals for fun are all a perversion of the

    original call that was placed upon us in the garden of Eden (Gen.1:28). We are to take God's character and principles into the world and subdue it for Him. If you disrespect nature, you are disrespecting God's property.

    Mr. and Mrs.

    Like the concept of respecting elders, this delineates who is a grown-up and who is not. Grown-ups are not your children's peers, they have experienced many more years life. A grown-up pays bills, runs a household, goes to work and deals with problems there, deals with problems at home. So they are not on the same level as a child. They are not a peer and they should be treated with respect (Lev.19:32).


    Overcoming shyness.

    Personalities differ from one another. Some children are more bold, more

    outgoing. Those children who are more shy will struggle to speak with adults, or look at them when an adult is talking to them. It's okay to be in the process of working to overcome shyness; however, shyness cannot be used as an excuse for rebellion. Some children refuse to answer an adult or look at them when being spoken to because it is gives them a sense of power. Don't rationalize away shyness, you may actually be masking sin. Eye contact and the handshake.

    In our culture eye contact is not disrespectful. It shows that the child is engaged

    and listening to your instructions. When you meet a grown-up, the child should not be afraid to look at them while they talk and respond back. As children get older, and someone shakes their hand, they need to look at them, and give them a firm (not limp) handshake.


    Life isn’t fair.

    Life has setbacks. You have to learn how to grow through difficult times. Help

    your children through tough times by training them that life is not fair. Those who demand that life should always be fair will be disappointed all the time. They should become overcomers, not victims.

    10 minute warning.

    Don’t exasperate your children. This is a useful tool for parents to give children

    time to get ready to comply with their instructions. Dinner time can be an example. Tell your children, “Dinner is in 10 minutes.” Then come back in five minuets and say, “Dinner is in five minutes.” This gives them time to finish what they were doing and get ready to comply with your instruction.

    The value of labor.

    While running a household some chores are to be done for free because it's for

    the welfare of the whole family. But other chores can be financially rewarded. You will have to decide which labor should be rewarded with money or an allowance. Being paid for labor will train children to value money. If they are habitually given money for free, without laboring for it, they will expect everyone to give to them freely when they don’t deserve it. This is especially harmful as they reach adulthood. No one respects a leech.


    The ultimate goal for all of these behaviors is for the child to eventually have
    self-initiative, without having to be prompted by the parent. This will take several years. But when you see self-initiative give them verbal accolades!

     

    Questions


    For children, actions __________ belief.

    For adults, belief ___________ action.

    Are any of these concepts new to you?

    Which ones do you think will be hard to implement?

    39 min
  • SSB - EP:101

    You aint ready for this podcast! I sat down with the famous SSB.

    Things got wild, you will love it or hate it. This group of young men are probably part of a cult. I dig into how this group works.

     

    Please enjoy. You can find these fellows on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/ssbmastersgolf/

     

     

    You can find me on Twitter @timonspodcast Or email me [email protected]

     

    Merry Saturnalia

    1 hr 9 min
  • Allison Nimtz - EP:100

    I have a great podcast lined up for you today. 100 episodes in and who better to podcast with other than my beautiful wife?

    Had a blast chatting on our car ride. Please enjoy.

    You can find me on Twitter @timonspodcast Or email me [email protected]

     

    thanks for joining this adventure, until next time

    58 min
  • The Big Picture - AFBF/Dadcast

    Aiming for Biblical Families (AFBF). This is week 4's teaching of an 8-week series taught by my dad. We will only release 7 of the 8 episodes. 


    Show notes below. The show Questions are below that.

     

    I want to relate here the four phases of parenting that Growing Kids material outlines.

    Discipline phase: 1-5 years. The primary goal of this phase is to establish your right to lead. This is not oppressive authority, but loving authority. Children under five or are too young to operate with understanding or make wise decisions on their own. You must have boundaries that lead to freedom when they can behave in a responsible way.But until they reach that maturity, you have to be the “law.”

    Training phase : 6-12 years. During this phase, you are showing your children

    what to do and how to do it, and you are explaining why they are doing what they’re doing. They are practicing how to deal with life. Their decisions must begin to flow from their heart not from your rules.

    Coaching phase: 13-19 years. During this phase, you are giving wisdom and

    advice to your children. You need to begin to move to the sideline so that they can learn from their own failures and successes. But you are still there to protect them or help them when they have a glitch. But you want them to take ownership of decisions, to make their own decisions. This is the mark of maturity.

    Friendship phase: 20 and older. Now that they have grown to make their own

    decisions and are old enough to have their own family, they can be your friends. They will always be your child, and you can always exchange advice, ideas, and wisdom with them a trusted friend. But you must let them command their own ship.

     

    Growing Kids did a good job at outlining these phases of parenting. I like to

    break this down into three simpler phases. These age groupings are subjective, they depend on each child's maturity, this is not a hard and fast rule.

    Parental authority phase: 1 – 6 or 7. In this phase you are the parent, you are in

    charge. This does not mean you are a tyrant. But you have been working for years, you pay bills, you understand the hardships of life, you’ve been through some hard knocks.
    You should be the one at the helm of the family ship. You have earned this position. Not that you are a dictator over your children; but, your job is to guide and protect them from things they don’t understand. You have to be the one in charge during this phase in order to protect them and train them for what they will deal with later in life.

    Coaching phase: 8 – 16 or 17. During this phase you want to start training your

    children to have the ability to begin thinking through situations for themselves. You want to coach them or guide them through decisions that they make or difficulties that they face. Someday you’re not going to be there to make decisions for them. Help them make successful decisions now while you are still around. Let them make a decision and then discuss the outcome. You want them to know how to turn to God for answers. You want them to know that God is their father and that their faith in Him is genuine. It's not built on your convictions, it's built on their own convictions.

    Friendship phase: 18 and up. Now that your children are making their own

    decision, they are getting ready to strike out on their own. They don’t want somebody telling them what to do. They want someone who is cheering for them. An advocate, not a commander. Because your relationship is secure, you can have divergent opinions and still remain friends. In this phase your children trust you and come to you for wisdom, not rules. You will also enjoy learning new things from them. After all, they have begun to walk in the unique calling God has placed on them. They will impart wisdom back to you.

    I have seen many parents try to be friends with toddler, to treat him like a peer.

    And I have seen many parents treat their 18 year old like a toddler. Here is something grievous I have seen: when you treat your toddler like a peer, you will raise up a tyrant. When you treat your 18-year-old like a toddler you will create an enemy. I covered this same subject in week 2; but, it bears repeating. Young children often rebel against authority because they want their own way. Selfishness has to be lovingly trained out of them. And they need to learn that you and God are a loving authority that will lead them in the right direction. But by the time the child is in their mid-teens, or later, you can’t demand respect from them. A teenager is not usually rebelling against authority, a teenager
    usually rebels against a broken relationship. This is a much harder situation to amend when dealing with a teen. If you have a broken relationship with a teen, you will have to ask their forgiveness. Forgiveness, in that you have handled these different phases incorrectly, and that you are learning to correct things as best as you can. I would suggest doing the right thing at a young age so that you don’t lose your relationship with the child as they get ready to leave home.

    Practical example.

    The way you interact and give instructions to your children should change over time. Consider these scenarios.

    Phase 1 (parental authority). You can only play in the backyard. You can’t go

    to the park unless a parent goes with you. A two year old may ask, “Why?” I would answer with another question, “Who is the Dad?” In other words, “I'm the parent and you need to obey.” This is a sufficient answer for a little child. They are not able to comprehend that child predators may be at the park. Nor do you want to delineate for their young mind all the perversions of a pedophile.

    Phase 2 (coaching). Your 12-year-old wants to go down the block to play

    baseball with his friends. At this age it’s fine for him to go because he understands that there are certain characters to be aware of. “You can play baseball, but I want you to stay in a group and come home as soon as you’re done.” Your son may ask, “Why.” In this phase you give reasons for your instructions. “Because there is safety in groups and dinner will be ready by then. We enjoy spending time together as a whole family.” You are still the parent, you are still in charge; but, your instructions are built upon virtues and reasons
    that he can grasp and agree with.

    Phase 3 (friendship). You ask your 25 year-old daughter if she is free Saturday

    morning. “Why?” she asks. “Because I can’t figure out what Mom needs for Christmas and I know you have great ideas. Just let me know if it works with your schedule. It would be fun to see you if you have time. If not, let’s make it another time.” This is a request, not a demand. Your daughter is an adult, she deserves respect for her own
    schedule.

    Questions

    What do young children typically rebel against?

    What do teens typically rebel against?

    Which phase of parenting should your children be in right now?

    How do instructions differ from phase 1 and phase 2?

    How do instructions differ from phase 2 and phase 3?

    32 min
  • Phil Lorenz- EP:99

    Hey folks welcome back to another Timonspodcast. This week I had the pleasure to chat with Phil Lorenz. We talk Twitter, clothing, butchery and so much more. 

     

    You can check out his stuff on Twitter @eldiabeeto 

     

    As for me, you can find me on Twitter @timonspodcast

    Or email me [email protected]

     

    thanks for joining this adventure, until next time

    1 hr 29 min
  • The Definition of a Family - AFBF

    Aiming for Biblical Families (AFBF). This is week 3's teaching of an 8-week series taught by my dad. We will only release 7 of the 8 episodes. 


    Show notes below. The show Questions are below that.

     

    You can reach me [email protected]

     

    The definition of a family begins with a husband and a wife. Take a look at

    Genesis 2:18:

    Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will
    make him a helper fit for him.”


    God made the statement that it was not good for man to be alone. Notice how
    God answers this dilemma. With a wife, not with children. Children are added later into a family that already exists. This does not diminish the value of a child. We just need to look at the pattern. God made the Garden of Eden and Adam was in the garden with God.


    He had purpose, provision, everything he needed. And because he had perfect communion with God he was not lonely, as people often assume. But God's plan was for Adam to multiply other humans who would duplicate and expand the Garden of Eden across the earth. Thus, it was not good for Adam to be alone. God created the perfect partner, Eve, to help Adam take care of the garden and grow a family. This was God’s structure for family. First, the couple who have God's vision for the world, then children come into a safe place, a garden, and learn about God and His vision. Please listen, the husband and
    wife relationship, needs to be as secure as possible so that children can be safely added to it.

    Notice also that the biblical model is one man and one woman. Variances on this model will have consequences, they will most likely weaken, the outcome of a child’s development. I am not here to discourage those who have been divorced; but, you must trust the Lord to help fill in the gaps or wounds left by divorce.

    There are some things I want you to remember. First, work at keeping your

    marriage healthy. An unhealthy marriage will wound a child’s development. Second, be careful not to turn your focus away from your marriage and onto your children. Yes, they do need time and attention, but do not fall into the trap of a child-centered home. A child-centered home gives the child the authority to run the home and the marriage. This trains the child to become overly self-important and selfish. It fosters a disregard for human authority, and God’s authority. These parents become married to the children not to each
    other. Once the children are gone, the husband and wife relationship will become empty.


    In fact, it has been empty for years.

    On the other hand, do not fall into the trap of becoming an authoritarian home.

    An authoritarian home will view children as a continual burden. Children will always fail to meet parental expectations. In fact, these parents convince themselves that their children will go on failing throughout life. Parents usually don’t realize their sins until it’s too late, when the children have grown up and left home. So then, when they want to re-ignite a lost relationship with the children, so much damage has been done that the children will not respond. Or the adult children will only remain acquaintances at best.

     

    Questions


    Where do children fit into the family?

    How do parents become married to their children?

    Why do some parents view kids as a burden?

    What happens to a child-centered home once the children leave?

    What happens in an authoritarian home once the children leave?

    A practical application for this week is implementing something called “couch time.”  Pick a time of day, probably after work, when you and your spouse can sit down for just 5 or 10 minutes to discuss your day.  Don’t allow your children to interrupt. This may take several weeks of training; but, it will pay off.  This does a couple of things.  It will help your children to see that your relationship is strong, that your relationship is important, that your relationship is secure.  It also sets good authority and leadership were it belongs, with the parents.




    43 min

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