Tommy's Thursday Thoughts

Tommy's Thursday Thoughts

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Tommy's Thursday Thoughts episodes

  • Life’s Biggest Tease

    -It’s weird to think that thousands of years ago before calendars were invented, people just had no idea how old they were. Ages just weren’t a thing. You’d walk around and if someone asked, “Hey how old are you?” you’d just say “I don’t fucking know. What does that even mean? I’ve been around for awhile it feels like. I could be 28. I could be 11. No cavewomen could do like a birthday week celebration. Nobody had any fucking clue.

    -The term “over the counter” drugs has never made sense to me. You’d think over the counter drugs are prescription drugs that you have to get from the cashier behind the counter. But it actually means non-prescription drugs that you can just get in the aisles. No counter needs to be involved at all in that process.. They should really be called “in-the-aisle drugs.”
    -Nothing makes me feel better than walking into my local Starbucks to pick up my mobile order and the barista saying “Oh hey Tom, working on that right now.” I like to look around and the other peons waiting in line and give them a smirk to say “You guys see that? Yeah I’m better than you.”
    -I think the biggest tease in life is when you’re on hold for a really long time and then the ringer abruptly cuts for a second or there’s a brief pause, and you think “alright someone’s answering” but then the music just like restarts. I kind of feel like they do that on purpose to keep our hopes up.
    -If I ever go to a rodeo one day, it actually would in fact be my first rodeo.
    -It has to suck when a really popular band breaks up and the main couple of singers and guitar players, even the drummer, probably go their separate ways and have solo careers. And then you’re stuck being like the fucking keyboard player. He has to be pitching so hard for them to stay together, “Guys I really don’t think we’re ready for our solo careers yet. Please. Can we just do a few more albums?” Guy’s gotta feed his family somehow.


    You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/tommysthursdaythoughts

    3 min
  • The Worst Dating App Profiles

    -It’s always funny to me when a girl will put in a dating profile something like “we’ll along if … you like The Office.” Like that’s just not true, statistically speaking. It’s maybe THE most popular TV show of all time. Hundreds of millions of people have seen it. You can’t possibly get along with all of them just based on that. Some people who have seen it are murderers and ___ You’re gonna get along with them? Because they like when Jim does his little look into the camera.. Or another one is “All I ask is that you… watch the Office.” What an incredibly low bar. You can be the worst boyfriend ever. Ignore her, argue, cheat on her, but if you can just snuggle up and watch Jim and Pam’s wedding episode then all is forgiven.

    -I keep seeing ads where people are now getting rewards for getting vaccinated, and it feels to me like that’s going to have the opposite effect of what they intended. Because 6 months ago, it was just “Get the vaccine please” and a bunch of people did. Then it was like “Get the vaccine and we’ll give you a free donut!” Then it was like a $20 raffle ticket and now you just can straight up get like 100 bucks for getting it. If I wasn’t vaccinated already, I’d start thinking about a holdout situation like I’m an elite wide receiver. Because it’s only going up. Eventually it’s gonna be like “Come get the shot, and you’ll get a brand new car.” There’s going to be a “Deal Or No Deal” vaccine game show. “We’ll give you $47,000 to get the vaccine. Deal or …. No deal.” I just think if the goal is to get people vaccinated, maybe there’s gotta be some like depreciating value on these rewards.
    -I think it’s important to be just a little bit of a shitty person so that you don’t become one of those “only the good die young” people. If you’re just a pure soul that everyone loves, best person ever, you better watch out because those are the types that get booted off this planet early. So just be a little bit of a bad person and you’ll probably stick around longer.
    -I really despise crackers in my soup. I don’t see the appeal of it. Who was eating a nice, hot bowl of soup and thought “You know what this could use? Some wet, soggy bread.” Have a little culture please.
    -Whenever I’m going out with a group to a restaurant, or a game or something, I always know the perfect order in which people should sit. It’s the first thing I think of. I find out the group that’s going and then think “Okay this would be the optimal seating arrangement that would produce maximum enjoyment for all parties. But unfortunately, it’s not socially acceptable to act on it and tell people where to sit. Sometimes I do it anyway though.


    You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/tommysthursdaythoughts

    4 min
  • Why I Believe In God

    -I’d like to have a conversation with the person who decided that, “Hey you guys know lobsters? Wouldn’t it be funny if we made them the most expensive item on the menu and as a fun little bonus, you’ll also have to do manual labor the entire meal if you want to eat it?” No other food requires that level of effort. Meals shouldn’t come with their own tool. Pretty much all other foods, you either eat with your hands, a spoon, a fork and knife. Those are the basics. But then for a lobster they bring out this metal cracker and they’re like “Yeah you will need this if you want to eat any food tonight.” Like that kind of feels like maybe it’s your job. All you did was take a lobster, plop in a pot of water, and then throw it on a plate and charge me 60 bucks for it. I shouldn't have calluses on my hand after eating a meal that expensive.

    -It’s weird how vegans are so concerned about the environment and protecting the Earth, but then they just fucking devour plants. Last time I checked, plants are living creatures that are part of the ecosystem. But you have no problem shoving kale down your throat. The reason I actually do eat meat is because I care so much about the environment that I know if we all ate plants as much as vegans do, we’d destroy the whole planet. So next time you eat a steak, tell a vegan “You’re welcome.”
    -One difference between us and our parents' generation is that my mom knows the country that every uber driver she’s ever had is from. The other day she just casually dropped to me, “Yeah I had a really nice Uber driver from Sudan the other day.” And I couldn’t comprehend how she could possibly gather that information from the typical Uber small talk of “Hi how are you” and “Thanks, have a good one.” But I think she treats Uber drivers like a word at a spelling bee, “Can I get a country of origin please?”
    -Anytime there’s a really long and specific true or false question, I just assume it’s true because I’ll think to myself “Wow, that’s so detailed. There's no way they can make all that up.” That’s actually why I believe in God. Because The Bible is like the ultimate true or false question. I haven’t read it all, but they got a lot of shit in there. A lot of stories, a lot of details. A guy walking on water and turning water to wine? Your wildest imagination couldn’t make that shit up so fuck it, he's probably real and shit.
    -I was in a gift shop the other day and saw this 50 MILLION year old fossil for $12. And that seemed like the bargain of the century. I don’t know much about fossils, but if you asked me 11 minutes before that, “How much does a 50 million year old fossil cost?” I would’ve guessed it’s locked away in a museum for 10 million dollars. Nope. 12 bucks at a Montauk souvenir store. And to boot, I think it has healing powers because I put it on the other day and my pounding headache instantly went away. Now I did also take Excedrin a little bit before that, but I’m instead gonna choose to believe that I have a magic necklace.


    You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/tommysthursdaythoughts

    4 min
  • Why I Might Be A Psychopath

    -When someone asks me how I’m doing and I reply “Good how are you?” and they say “Great” to one up me, it makes me want to punch them in the throat.

    -This is by far the most sick and deranged thing I do. When I get out of an Uber, I’ll intentionally close the door too softly so it’s not all the way shut first. Then I give it a second and go back to properly reshut it. I just feel like it makes me look more thoughtful and courteous, and the driver will think like “wow he took the time to make sure it was properly closed” and he will in turn like me more and give me a good rating. I am not a well person.
    -I was recently outside a CVS and a girl stopped me to ask if I could donate money to her anti-bullying campaign and I said no. I’m against bullying, don’t get wrong. But it just doesn’t feel like giving that girl 10 bucks is going to solve the problem at all. What are we going to pay these little shits to stop bullying kids? It just doesn’t seem like an issue that can be solved with money.
    -I spend an unhealthy amount of time thinking about when I’m supposed to hit someone with a “what floor?” when I’m on an elevator. Is it the responsibility of the first person to ask others and hit it for them? If someone’s hands are full, sure, I'll ask them. But usually I just hit my button and stand to the side so everyone else can hit their own button.
    -I’m so sick of hearing about Norway, Sweden, Finland, and Denmark all the time. I feel like every time a new study comes out - smartest people, happiest lives, quality of life, etc. they’re always at the top of the list and I just don’t buy it. They gotta be fudging the numbers or something. What does Finland have that America doesn’t? I think we should start a war and destroy them all.


    You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/tommysthursdaythoughts

    3 min
  • The Bottomless Brunch War

    -Anytime I go to bottomless brunch, I treat the waiter or waitress like an enemy on the combat field. If they don’t come by to refill my drink within 10 minutes, I take that as a declaration of war. I don’t let them out of my line of sight the entire meal. And if they don’t come back for one last drink before the buzzer? I’ll wish nothing but the worst for them and every single person they’ve ever loved. Nothing is stopping from getting his $30 worth of bottomless mimosas.

    -I’m so used to getting that “end of summer sadness” from years of childhood where late August would come around and I’d get all upset because summer is over and I have to go back to school. And I feel like we’re programmed to still feel that way as adults. But I’ve come to the realization that I shouldn’t feel that way anymore at 25 because the only real changes to my life in September are that the weather gets a little cooler and I get to start watching football.
    -I think we can all agree that the worst people on the planet are the ones who stand up and crowd the aisle the second the plane ends. That happened the other day on my flight and everyone shot the scumbag a dirty look and he got some comments “Where are you going? What’s the rush?” And his excuse was “Ah sorry, I’m Italian.” And I just have to say that as an Italian myself, we have to stop using that line to justify despicable behavior. It’s definitely in the top 2 of worst things that excuse has been used for this month
    -My favorite weather is when it looks like it should be raining outside but it doesn’t.
    -I think that being exactly 6 feet is the toughest height for a guy. When I tell someone I’m 6 feet, even though it is the scientific truth,I feel like they assume I’m lying and think I’m actually like 5’10”. So I might be the only guy that goes down an inch when lying about my height. I’ll say I’m 5’11” because nobody lies about going up to 5’11”, they just would go up to 6 foot. So I’d rather people think I’m honest and 5’11” than a liar and 5’10”.
    -I’ve never understood how a lot of social media contests work. The ones where there’s a prize for say, the 1 millionth follower of a page. Because why would anyone ever follow you until you’re at like 999,000? If you announce that contest at say, 985,000 followers, then why would anyone be incentivized to follow you right then? They’re all going to wait until it’s way closer. Nobody wants to be the 986,000th follower of the page. They’re gonna hold out. Theoretically, a contest like that should really stunt the growth of your page and make it impossible to reach your goal.


    You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/tommysthursdaythoughts

    3 min
  • Packing Is Life’s Most Stressful Activity

    -Packing for a trip has to be the thing I stress about most in life. Even if it’s for two nights, I’m packing as if I’m setting out on the Oregon Trail. Going to scorching hot Florida? Better bring a hoodie in case it gets chilly one night. Underwear and sock drawers get completely emptied out in case of any accidents. T-shirts? Might run through 3 a day, you never know. Need some nice shorts, some relaxing shorts, some nice pants, some relaxing pants. Am I going to need towels for the shower, beach, pool? Better pack 4. Go to the pharmacy and just clean out the aisles - cold meds, allergy pills, Tums. You name it, it’s in my toiletry bag. And then after you pack everything, you gotta think of every single item in the world you might be forgetting. Check your bag 100 times. The whole process almost just makes leaving your house not even worth it.

    -I think the slowest moving time in the universe is when you’re waiting for an Uber. And nothing is a bigger indictment of how impatient we are as humans. We get on our magical smartphones where we can press a few buttons and get in this fancy, fast vehicle to go take us anywhere we want, but if it says we have to wait more than like 7 minutes for it to get here, we’ll start complaining about how slow Uber is and what an inconvenience it is to our lives.
    -One of my biggest dilemmas in life is when there’s a bug inside and I want to open a window or door to let it out, but I then get worried that I’m also just giving an opportunity for more bugs to get inside. It’s always extremely stressful.
    -I recently saw a car with a bumper sticker of the “This is fine” dog meme with the house on fire and it just really made me wonder, what kind of shit is that guy going through where he decided that his life was in a bad enough state to just permanently slap that on there and drive around with it. Like that’s not an impulse purchase. That can only be bought when your life has been spiraling out of control for years.
    -A lot of kids like to say “Yeah school just isn’t really for me” or “I’m more street smart than book smart” or “I’m not good in school, but I’m smart in other ways.” And on rare occasions, those people are right and they go on to become successful entrepreneurs. But in most cases, they’re actually just bad in school because they’re idiots.


    You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/tommysthursdaythoughts

    3 min
  • Life’s Ultimate Honor

    -I absolutely love when someone stops me on the street and asks for directions. They looked at me and thought, “This guy looks like he knows his shit, let me ask him.” It’s such an honor. And I’ll always answer even if I don’t know. I’ll just confidentaly say oh “three blocks south and an avenue over.” Sure, I could be sending them in the completely wrong direction, but in that moment they thought of me as a knowledgable hero saving them. And that’s all I really care about.

    -Apparently it’s more politically correct to call a waiter or waitress, a “server” but to me, that sounds a thousand times worse and more degrading. Server sounds way too much like servant which is the most disrespectful thing you can say. I would bet most waiters and waitresses would prefer to not be called a server, and this is just a case of people getting offended on behalf of other people who don’t really care that much.
    -You don’t know true hate until you go to a bar trivia night and there’s an obnoxious rival team at another table. A bunch of know it alls celebrating after every question and rubbing it in. It’s an adrenaline rush of hatred that can’t be healthy but is quite exhilerating.
    -A lot of people think it’s great revenge when a singer writes a song about their ex. But to me, that just seems like a great honor if you’re the ex to have an entire song written just about you. I would be so pumped. I would listen to it ALL the time. I’d make it my ringtone. First song whenever I get the aux, be like “hey this one’s about me guys. Anyone else here have a song written about them?” Just the ultimate flex.
    -I never like wearing sunglasses because most of the time they’re unnecessary. And when they are necessary, that means the sun is right on my face, and if that’s the case, then I want to use that opportunity to get a nice tan. Also I have gorgeous eyes that should never be covered up.
    -I think it would be funny and awkward to start wishing people a “Happy Fertilization Day.” You would do it exactly 3 months after someone’s birthday. Which do some reverse math, that would work out to 9 months before their birthday (aka a pregnancy). And just be like “Yeah this is probably about when your parents made you and you first became a fertilized egg so happy fertilization day.” And then maybe be like “Yeah in my family we celebrate that for everyone, you’ve never heard of that?” and maybe make them think that they’re the weird one. Things like this are just how I keep myself occupied.


    You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/tommysthursdaythoughts

    3 min
  • We Have To Make Advancements In How We Do Laundry

    -I’m honestly jealous of people who have a foot fetish. There’s so much material for them out there. Like celebrity feet websites, paying random people online for foot pictures. Just walking down the block and seeing someone in flip flops can make your whole Wednesday. I wish I could get turned on that easily. But for a guy like me, it’s all about a girl’s brain, heart, etc.

    -With all the advancements we’ve made in technology and science, I feel like there just HAS to be a better way to do laundry. Stuffing everything in the washer for 30 minutes, then the dryer for 40, folding and putting everything away, I feel like a fucking Neanderthal. There should be some machine where I put a shirt in one end, and in like 5 minutes it comes out the other side fully washed, dryed, and folded. Maybe Elon work on this instead of taking little space trips.
    -I hate when I find a show on Netflix or Hulu that looks good and I think I’m going to like it, but then I turn it on and the main character has a British accent. I’m not doing that shit.
    -If you shake someone’s hand after getting out of the bathroom and you have a wet hand, the person will be like “oh gross” but they shouldn’t be disgusted. They should be happy. The wet hand serves as proof of wash. A dry hand could be dried but it could also be unwashed. Then you’re just touching straight dick. It’s a coin flip. Give me that wet hand that I know was washed 11 times out of 10.
    -Here’s a free tip if you want to impress a girl. Take her to a fast food place. Go through the drive through. Give your order. And then say, “This is a to go by the way.” The cashier will let out a booming laugh, and your date will begin performing oral sex on you immediately.
    -There’s been a lot of talk lately about vaccine passports in New York City, but what I really want is a fast pass for people who didn’t leave the city during the pandemic. I stayed here throughout the whole god damn thing when you people abandoned us and the streets were empty, now you all flood back and Tommy has to wait 20 minutes to get a bagel? 10 minutes at Starbucks? Unbearable lines when I make a Target run? I should get a fast pass and quite frankly, a medal.


    You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/tommysthursdaythoughts

    3 min
  • We Need More Human Pride

    -I think we should have more “human pride.” There’s always so much infighting among different nationalities, races, religions, but at the end of the day we should come together and be like “Hey we beat out all the other species.” There’s like 9 million species and we’re the ones that reign supreme. Good for us. Let’s direct some of that hate we have for each other and take it all out on some of these loser animals, insects, and plants that we beat out. Maybe a “Human Pride Day” where we just like squash ants and shit. Maybe lightly kick a squirrel or something. Go to zoos and just laugh. Remind them who’s boss. This could really lead to world peace.

    -One of the worst things a person can experience in life is when you order something for dinner delivery and then immediately start craving literally every other type of food on the planet. Also the death of a child would probably be on the list.
    -Sometimes I think about how a big fat cut of ribeye steak and grated cheese come from the same animal and I just think like “wow that’s crazy” ………. That animal is a cow by the way.
    -Whenever someone swears on a dead person, that means nothing to me. The person is already dead. There are no consequences. “I swear on my grandma’s grave I didn’t do it.” Oh what’s gonna happen? Your dead grammy is gonna die again? Swear on a living person if you really mean it.
    -I feel bad for people from Connecticut because they have a really tough decision to make at a young age. Are they going to pretend like they’re from New York or pretend like they’re from Boston?
    -It sometimes baffles me what people decide to post on their close friends story. Like what made you decide that only your closest circle could see that you’re enjoying a matcha green tea latte?
    -Some people run for political office to make life better for the American people, but I would run for office strictly to make my life better. I’d exclusively propose policies that fix minor inconveniences in my life. Congress would be sorting through the bills on things like war and taxes and then they’d be like “Okay we have a bill here about how if your initials are T S and you were born on Long Island in 1996 you never have to wait in line for a bagel again … And also you get a $10 million stimulus check every year?” And then I’d have to play it cool like “Oh that’s pretty out there but I mean I guess it’s not like the worst idea?” In due time, I would rise to be a dictator running the entire planet.
    Thank you for your time


    You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/tommysthursdaythoughts

    4 min
  • Does Fostering A Dog Make Me A Saint? (Yes)

    -My favorite human interaction is the “we’re both normal” look with a stranger. When you’re in public and someone is doing or saying something really weird, you lock eyes with another bystander and give each other the look of “Hello fellow normal person, can you believe what this not normal person is doing?” It’s a beautiful moment.

    -I don’t like when people call things “historic” or use the term “history is on the line here.” Everything is historic. History is always on the line. No matter what happens, it becomes history.
    -I get off on learning that someone is older than me. I’m 25 and if I hear someone is like 27, I think “wow I have so much more of my life ahead of me than you do.” Even celebrities. Like Zac Efron is 33. What a loser. Hey Zaccy buddy, I have 8 years to get to where you are and eclipse you.
    -There’s a real “haves and have nots” vibe when it comes to Presidential assassinations. There’s been four and we all know the big two: Lincoln and JFK. We know it was John Wilkes Booth and Lee Harvey Oswald. Lincoln shot at the theatre. JFK in the convertible. But I bet some people don’t even know the names of the other two: James Garfield and William McKinley. We don’t know the names of the assassins. How it happened. Nothing. Imagine being a president and getting murdered, or vice versa, murdering the president, and people just forget about it? Tough.
    -I’m one of the more inept humans on this plant. I can’t tie my own shoes. I’ve never driven on a highway. Sometimes I call my mom to see how long things get microwaved for. But I’m here to tell everyone that grilling is the easiest thing I’ve ever done. Don’t let grilling culture intimidate you. You just throw stuff on the grill and flip it. Some salt. Some pepper. Some butter. That’s it. Give it a shot and you become a GrillMaster just like me.
    -My roommates and I have recently started fostering a dog and I told myself I wouldn't get too attached since it’s only for a few weeks. But after about 10 minutes with her, I have decided I would lay down my life and die for this dog.
    Thank you for your time.


    You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/tommysthursdaythoughts

    3 min

About Tommy's Thursday Thoughts

From the publisher's feed

Every week, Tommy Smokes shares his thoughts, opinions, and observations on various topics about daily life. Thank you for your time.


You can find every episode of this show on Apple…