Being the bookish, somewhat antisocial kid I was, I learned about sex from the dictionary at age 10. I heard someone reference it on the bus as “the way you make babies,” and it sounded intriguing. So I decided to look it up.

Since the dictionary definition of sex – “sexual activity, including specifically sexual intercourse” – is not very informative, I relied on the dictionary definition of “sexual intercourse”: “sexual contact between individuals involving penetration, especially the insertion of a man’s erect penis into a woman’s vagina, typically culminating in orgasm and the ejaculation of semen.”

I’m serious. Google it.

Aside from being sexist as hell, this makes it seem like the only way to have sex is to put a penis in a vagina. Which makes it sound like only straight, cisgender people have sex.

The conversations I had later with my friends confirmed that sex meant a penis going into a vagina – and that this act was more significant than oral or manual sex. Those were just “fooling around.”

And if you only fooled around, you were still a virgin – which was a different, more innocent type of person.

A high school teacher I admired told the class not to have sex until we were in our 20s. That stuck with me, and for a while, I took pride in “losing my virginity” at age 20.

But the truth is, I became sexually active at age 17, the first time I “fooled around.”

For the first two years of college, I stopped short of penis-in-vagina sex until I had a serious boyfriend because I was scared that act would somehow change me.

When I did do that, I put more stock in the relationship than it deserved because he “had” my virginity. We weren’t a great match, but if I broke up with him, I’d be one of “those girls” who has sex without true, lasting love.

For the remainder of this article, to avoid furthering the damage done to me and others by defining sex narrowly and heteronormatively, I’m going to call “fooling around” what it is. Those activities may have involved slightly different body parts in different configurations, but I was physically intimate with someone for the purpose of obtaining sexual pleasure.

Let’s call a spade a spade: It was sex.

Before anyone even talked to me about sex, I somehow learned to connect sex with love. Maybe it was the girls’ self-help books I read, which said you should wait until you’re in love with someone before you sleep with them.

Maybe it was the way I heard people talk about women who had sex without love.

Whatever it was, I got the idea that sex was a way to solidify my relationship with my boyfriend – and that I shouldn’t do it if I didn’t have a boyfriend in the first place.

Soon, however, I realized through experience that sex is not inherently loving. It can be done lovingly when it is trusting and communicative, like anything else.

But if someone has sex with you, that doesn’t mean they love you, and it doesn’t mean you’ll be closer afterward.

In fact, when the communication is poor, sex can actually leave two people feeling farther apart than ever.

Believing that sex is love obscures the effort necessary to demonstrate actual love. It both devalues love and over-values sex.

"Before I have sex, we discuss bills, parenting styles, credit, debt, religion, how to deal with loved ones (family and friends), what we will instill each other, childhood and adulthood traumas, sexual expectations, partner expectations, financial expectations, technological expectations, family health history, mental health history, bucket list, dream home, careers and education, political views, and whatever else comes to mind. Sex alone is not enough."

-Antonio Myers

"Christianity has been criticized as seeking to persuade people into accepting its authority through simple fear of punishment or, conversely, through hope of reward after death, rather than through rational argumentation or empirical evidence.[140] Traditional Christian doctrine dictates that, without faith in Jesus Christ or in the Christian faith in general, one is subject to eternal punishment in Hell.[141]

Critics regard the eternal punishment of those who fail to adopt Christian faith as morally objectionable, and consider it an abhorrent picture of the nature of the world. On a similar theme objections are made against the perceived injustice of punishing a person for all eternity for a temporal crime. Some Christians agree (see Annihilationism and Christian Universalism). These beliefs have been considered especially repugnant[142] when the claimed omnipotent God makes, or allows a person to come into existence, with a nature that desires that which God finds objectionable.[143]

In the Abrahamic religions, Hell has traditionally been regarded as a punishment for wrongdoing or sin in this life, as a manifestation of divine justice. As in the problem of evil, some apologists argue that the torments of Hell are attributable not to a defect in God's benevolence, but in human free will. Although a benevolent God would prefer to see everyone saved, he would also allow humans to control their own destinies. This view opens the possibility of seeing Hell not as retributive punishment, but rather as an option that God allows, so that people who do not wish to be with God are not forced to be. C. S. Lewis most famously proposed this view in his book The Great Divorce, saying: "There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, 'Thy will be done,' and those to whom God says, in the end, 'Thy will be done.'"

Given my own experience, I wasn’t surprised to learn that a common reason women cite for faking orgasms is to provide an excuse to get out.

One study even found that women were faking orgasms to speed up sex that wasn’t consensual.

Nobody wants to have to fake an orgasm in this situation. But the decision is understandable: Given that these women’s partners didn’t care if they consented in the first place, why would they care if they wanted to stop?

Any means justify getting out of a sexual assault, so how can we judge this one?

Whether or not someone views a negative sexual experience as an assault, the desire to get out of plain old bad sex is also understandable.

We don’t live in a culture where everyone will accept “I’m not into it anymore” – or where that’s easy to say.

We’re not taught to communicate during sex, and we’re sometimes even taught it’s undesirable to speak up. When women sense that saying something isn’t an option, they use the options available to them to end the sex.

And if faking an orgasm is the only feasible choice left on the table, we can’t fault women for that. We need to fault those who taught them there was no other escape route.

Women get taught from a young age that their pleasure is for other people. In this regard, we learn our orgasms serve a dual function: as a turn-on and an ego-booster.

While women who sleep with all a/genders will feel this, it’s particularly present for women who sleep with men, since it’s so tied up with their sense of masculinity and with the male gaze.

A recent study found that when men were asked to imagine a sexual encounter, they felt more masculine and had higher self-esteem if the woman in it orgasmed.

That’s a lot to put on women who sleep with men. It means we enter the bedroom knowing that if we don’t orgasm, our partners may have a diminished sense of self-worth and masculinity.

When we’re sleeping with men like this, faking an orgasm can be an act of mercy. And it’s yet another way women are expected to perform emotional labor for men’s sake.

Then there’s the idea that watching, hearing, or feeling a woman orgasm is the ultimate source of pleasure."

"Myth #1: It's unethical.

You've probably heard the term "ethical non-monogamy", or maybe you've seen "ENM" in someone's dating bio. But there's a problem with this modifier: There isn't inherently anything unethical about non-monogamy.

Cheating is unethical — this is true even for people in the non-monogamy world (yes, really). Cheating is unethical because if someone is cheating, it means they are breaking someone's trust, consent, and crossing someone's boundaries. Non-monogamy isn't cheating (more on that in a sec).

What people don't often realize about non-monogamy (again, because we don't teach about this relationship dynamic) is that everyone is consenting, aware, contributing, and agreeing to the boundaries and guidelines being put in place. It isn't a free-for-all. It's like any monogamous relationship because the foundation is built upon communication, trust, vulnerability, and complete transparency. And there's nothing unethical about that — quite the opposite!

Non-monogamy isn't cheating for all the same reasons non-monogamy isn't unethical. Cheating is generally done in secret and goes against the boundaries of a relationship that have been put in place. It's the same for monogamous relationships, except with polyamory, there are just more people involved.

Every couple, polycule, and relationship makes their own "rules" for their relationship. Every single one. If those rules are broken, that's when someone has cheated — and cheating will look different from relationship to relationship."

I reject these religious beliefs:

I cannot trust myself, I'm broken and need to be saved, I am nothing without God, there is only one right way to live, I am responsible for saving others, your spiritual self is all that matters, and my desires are sinful. 

"Elizabeth Anderson, a professor of philosophy and women's studies at the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor, states that "the Bible contains both good and evil teachings", and it is "morally inconsistent".[14]

Anderson criticizes commands God gave to men in the Old Testament, such as: kill adulterers, homosexuals, and "people who work on the Sabbath" (Leviticus 20:10; Leviticus 20:13; Exodus 35:2, respectively); to commit ethnic cleansing (Exodus 34:11–14, Leviticus 26:7–9); commit genocide (Numbers 21: 2–3, Numbers 21:33–35, Deuteronomy 2:26–35, and Joshua 1–12); and other mass killings.[15] Anderson considers the Bible to permit slavery, the beating of slaves, the rape of female captives in wartime, polygamy (for men), the killing of prisoners, and child sacrifice.[15] She also provides several examples to illustrate what she considers "God's moral character": "Routinely punishes people for the sins of others ... punishes all mothers by condemning them to painful childbirth", punishes four generations of descendants of those who worship other gods, kills 24,000 Israelites because some of them sinned (Numbers 25:1–9), kills 70,000 Israelites for the sin of David in 2 Samuel 24:10–15, and "sends two bears out of the woods to tear forty-two children to pieces" because they called someone names in 2 Kings 2:23–24.[16].

Simon Blackburn states that the "Bible can be read as giving us a carte blanche for harsh attitudes to children, the mentally handicapped, animals, the environment, the divorced, unbelievers, people with various sexual habits, and elderly women".[19]"

As with many of the things we consume, from food to media, people are becoming more and more concerned about the ethics behind their porn. Untangling exactly what constitutes ethical porn can be a minefield, especially given that the porn industry is still often defending its right to exist at all.

Here are four things that I believe go into making porn ethical.

This might seem like a bare minimum standard, but it’s missing from a shocking amount of mainstream porn. 100% of Bellesa’s content features consenting adults having consensual sex that has been consensually filmed.

Performers have the opportunity to negotiate with their partner before filming starts, exploring their likes and dislikes. If a scene involves roleplay, performers will be briefed on their role in plenty of time to ensure they’re comfortable with it.

And if, like me, you’re squicked by all the pseudo-incest (think: “step sister”) content that pops up on mainstream sites, you’ll be pleased to know Bellesa doesn’t do any of that.

When I watch porn, I often gravitate towards amateur content because it feels so much more authentic. Whatever the specific acts that they’re engaging in, ultimately I want to watch people who truly like (or even love) each other, having hot sex that they’re genuinely enjoying.

Many mainstream porn studios don’t give performers much choice who they work with. Bellesa pairs performers who truly have chemistry and actually want to have sex with each other. Because real connection and attraction makes for much hotter content and a much better working environment for the performers.

One of the things that will turn me off the fastest in any porn scene is seeing women being objectified. This is apparent in everything from the naming of scenes to the ways in which female pleasure is explored (or, often, ignored.)

Ethical porn puts the pleasure of all participants front and center. In ethical porn, the women being depicted are full human beings with their own desires and erotic agency. In other words, subjects of pleasure, not objects to be acted upon. Bellesa porn is directed and produced by women, headed up by the inimitable Jacky St. James.

Making pornography is work, and performers deserve a safe working environment just as much as employees in any other industry.

This can be as simple as prioritizing their comfort on set, such as making sure they’re well fed and hydrated. Sexual safety is important too, whether that’s ensuring plenty of lube is used or carrying out rigorous STI (and now also Covid-19) testing. And, of course, performers must retain the right to say no or to call “cut” on a scene for any reason. This goes back to consent.

Performers should also be fairly compensated for the work they do. Making porn can be huge fun but it can also be physically and emotionally taxing at times. Performers are workers and deserve to be paid a fair rate."

In a perfect world, everyone would have access to healthcare regardless of their job. Unfortunately, we do not live in that world, and by consuming free porn, we may be contributing to sexual exploitation, loss of income for sex workers, and more.

When you’re watching porn, consider if the actors have access to sexual healthcare and STI check-ups. Is mental health a priority at this studio? Can you verify that the actors are consenting? It’s not perfect, as some of the answers to these questions aren’t always in writing, but reading about the site on their FAQ page, seeing what other adult content consumers have said or written about the website, and following the actors on social media can make your decision easier. For example, Bellesa Plus notes on their site that they do rigorous STI testing, COVID-19 testing, and more for their performers. Ethical sites will often state health guidelines such as this, as well as confirm their actors are consenting adults. If there’s no public information available, that in and of itself may be a sign.

All forms of sex work are true work. Smith shared a quote from a sex-ed celebrity named Dr. Eric Sprankle, whom she admires: “​​If you think sex workers ‘sell their bodies,’ but coal miners do not, your view of labor is clouded by your moralistic view of sexuality.”

Smith references this particular notion frequently. “I ask folks to consider the stories and words and viewpoints of sex workers themselves,” she says. “It’s a stereotype that everyone who does sex work was sexually abused. We need to look beyond those stereotypes.”

Many organizations, such as Fight The New Drug, a nonprofit that wrongly compares porn use to drug use and touts that “Porn Kills Love,” reject all forms of pornography and wish to rid it entirely. In fact, they often use the phrase “porn addiction” on their site and social media, but the scientific community does not recognize this as a diagnosable problem. According to the “Why Sex Addiction Isn’t Real” episode of the Doing It! with Hannah Witton podocast, the clinical criteria of addiction includes a “significant risk of death.” Therefore, comparing drugs, alcohol and other substances to sex and porn may be a poor metaphor when you consider what experts say. Of course, compulsive behaviors can be a problem in which therapy is needed, but not an “addiction.”

"People choose CNM for a variety of reasons. Many people reject the idea of monogamy on principle. They may view monogamy as an intrusive societal restraint, a holdover from a possessive view of marriage, or evolutionally inappropriate. Given the high rates of infidelity and the fact that we are attracted to other people, many people who are in open relationships choose to explore these interests with complete transparency, recognizing that no one person can meet all our needs. Some couples that choose non-monogamy do it for the growth and development of their own relationship; the level of communication and support CNM requires can be very enriching for a couple. Others do it to explore sexual and erotic diversity, whether it's because they have different interests that can't be met within their primary relationship or because they value sexual variety.

That said, there are some reasons that exploring non-monogamy may be a bad idea. It isn't going to solve the problems in your relationship, sexual or otherwise. Just like it's not a good idea to have kids to save a relationship, you wouldn't want to open your relationship to save it, either. It takes a solid foundation to move into non-monogamy. If you have issues with your partner, fix those first! It's also a problem to go into CNM if you're only doing it to keep your partner. It's important that both people truly want this arrangement. If one is doing it out of pressure, coercion, or desperation, it's not going to be successful.

It's also likely going to be a problem if either of you struggles with emotions, communication, or knowing your own boundaries. CNM requires a high degree of emotional intelligence and emotional regulation. To be successful with CNM (that is—to make sure you're improving your relationship by making the change, not damaging it) requires that you and your partner have some skills, as well as commitment to each other in the process. You need self-awareness about your feelings, your wants and needs, and your boundaries; it's important to be able to advocate for yourself as you define your relationship structure. Additionally, you and your partner need a strong ability to communicate clearly and effectively, especially through high emotion. CNM often brings up strong feelings, including jealousy and insecurity, and the two of you need to be able to talk about what's happening and work through it together. You also need a basic respect and concern for each other. Consensual non-monogamy is not going to work if one of you is set on doing what you want regardless of the impact on your partner."