“Mainstream porn is a capitalist industry, meaning that exploitative measures are bound to exist, especially in precarious and vulnerable situations. But where mainstream pornography often ignores ethical values, feminist pornography aims to assure that everyone on set is consensually—and prosperously—involved in the scene.

Feminist porn unites sex-positive people through complex, visually astounding films in the form and genre of smart pornography. It also typically involves respect, proper pay, communication, safety, and consent for performers.” -https://rewirenewsgroup.com/2017/12/07/feminist-porn-traversing-mainstream/

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“People with a healthy level of self-esteem:[53]

firmly believe in certain values and principles, and are ready to defend them even when finding opposition, feeling secure enough to modify them in light of experience.[17]

are able to act according to what they think to be the best choice, trusting their own judgment, and not feeling guilty when others do not like their choice.[17]

do not lose time worrying excessively about what happened in the past, nor about what could happen in the future. They learn from the past and plan for the future, but live in the present intensely.[17]

fully trust in their capacity to solve problems, not hesitating after failures and difficulties. They ask others for help when they need it.[17]

consider themselves equal in dignity to others, rather than inferior or superior, while accepting differences in certain talents, personal prestige or financial standing.[17]

understand how they are an interesting and valuable person for others, at least for those with whom they have a friendship.[17]

resist manipulation, collaborate with others only if it seems appropriate and convenient.[17]

admit and accept different internal feelings and drives, either positive or negative, revealing those drives to others only when they choose.[17]

are able to enjoy a great variety of activities.[17]

are sensitive to feelings and needs of others; respect generally accepted social rules, and claim no right or desire to prosper at others' expense.[17]

can work toward finding solutions and voice discontent without belittling themselves or others when challenges arise.[54]” -Wikipedia. “Most people don’t have healthy levels of self-esteem, which is why most people are romantically unattractive and sexually unattractive to me.” -Antonio Myers

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“Authoritative

This is generally regarded to be the best parenting style as it provides a balance between structure and independence, allowing a child to grow within reasonable boundaries and explore their abilities. Parents using this style will set strict standard which they expect their children to abide but also support them by providing an emotionally caring environment that fosters trust. This style can be described as “tough but fair” or “firm but nurturing.” A child has room to make mistakes and the freedom to make them without judgement within a structure that provides guidance. Baumrind described authoritative parents like this:

They are assertive, but not intrusive and restrictive. Their disciplinary methods are supportive, rather than punitive. They want their children to be assertive as well as socially responsible and self-regulated as well as cooperative.

This style can help children:

Gain self-assurance

Handle responsibility

Figure out how to overcome difficulties

Become confident in their own judgement.” -https://jessup.edu/blog/academic-success/the-psychology-behind-different-types-of-parenting-styles/. All of the above is precisely how I rear children.

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“Out, or has stumbled across online porn or sexually explicit media, this is not a sign that you have failed as a parent. Consider these steps:

Take a breath⁠. Sexual behaviors in childhood can be triggering for many adults, especially if you’re a survivor of sexual abuse or trauma. The calmer and less reactive you feel, the better you’re able to respond effectively.

Reassure them. “It’s totally normal to be curious about bodies and sex. You’re not in trouble.”⁠

Name it. “Videos or pictures of naked people online are called porn, and porn is not made for children. It can send unhealthy, unsafe, and confusing messages about bodies and sex.”⁠

Provide safe alternatives. “If you want to learn about bodies or sex, here are some safe options made for your age and to help you learn.”⁠

Check out the alternatives together. Visit the Pornography section of our site for age-congruent resources⁠.

Establish new agreements. “I’m going to help you stay safer online by setting up parental controls on the devices you use. This will make it easier for you to stay safe online.” Other options can include identifying the specific times of day or places within the home that device usage can take place. Talking this through together helps them to feel invested in their own safety versus surveillanced or controlled.

Help them identify their safety plan. “If you come across porn again or want to learn more about bodies or sex, what can you do?”⁠

Check for understanding. “What questions do you have about this or what you saw? How can I support you?”⁠

Affirm your experience together. “I’m happy we have the chance now to talk about this.”⁠ And keep the door open for more talks ahead.” -https://sexpositivefamilies.com/porn-talks-a-guide-for-families/. “It’s okay for people to curse and it’s okay for people not to curse.” -Antonio Myers.

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“Is It Still Possible for a Minor to Stautorily Rape Another Minor?

Unfortunately, the answer is not clear and will depend largely on one's jurisdiction. As described above, in states where there is a different age of consent versus age of majority, minors over the age of consent are typically able to be charged with statutory rape for anything occurring to minors under that age bar. Other states have tried to use existing laws to charge minors who were closer to the age of consent than their partners with statutory rape and have experienced varying degrees of success.

For the most part, prosecutors dislike attempting to charge a minor with the statutory rape of another minor when that act was consensual in fact (even if not in law). This is due to the fact that it is hard to prove the activity occurred, hard to justify why both minors are not equally charged for the same act (or both seen as the victim), and difficult to obtain a conviction with changing social norms finding such activity among teens more acceptable.” -HG.org

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“Self-control—or the ability to manage one's impulses, emotions, and behaviors to achieve long-term goals—is what separates humans from the rest of the animal kingdom. Self-control is primarily rooted in the prefrontal cortex—the planning, problem-solving, and decision making center of the brain—which is significantly larger in humans than in other mammals.

The richness of nerve connections in the prefrontal cortex enables people to plan, evaluate alternative actions, and ideally avoid doing things they'll later regret, rather than immediately respond to every impulse as it arises.” -The Psychology Today Staff. “Consent is easy as FRIES: Freely given. Consenting is a choice you make without pressure, manipulation, or under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

Reversible. Anyone can change their mind about what they feel like doing, anytime. Even if you’ve done it before, and even if you’re both naked in bed.

Informed. You can only consent to something if you have the full story. For example, if someone says they’ll use a condom and then they don’t, there isn’t full consent.

Enthusiastic. When it comes to sex, you should only do stuff you WANT to do, not things that you feel you’re expected to do.

Specific. Saying yes to one thing (like going to the bedroom to make out) doesn’t mean you’ve said yes to others (like having sex).

You get the final say over what happens with your body. It doesn’t matter if you’ve hooked up before or even if you said yes earlier and then changed your mind. You’re allowed to say “stop” at any time, and your partner needs to respect that.

Consent is never implied by things like your past behavior, what you wear, or where you go. Sexual consent is always clearly communicated — there should be no question or mystery. Silence is not consent. And it’s not just important the first time you’re with someone. Couples who’ve had sex before or even ones who’ve been together for a long time also need to consent before sex — every time.” -Planned Parenthood

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“Enthusiastic consent can look like this:

Asking permission before you change the type or degree of sexual activity with phrases like “Is this OK?”

Confirming that there is reciprocal interest before initiating any physical touch.

Letting your partner know that you can stop at any time.

Periodically checking in with your partner, such as asking “Is this still okay?”

Providing positive feedback when you’re comfortable with an activity.

Explicitly agreeing to certain activities, either by saying “yes” or another affirmative statement, like “I’m open to trying.”

Using physical cues to let the other person know you’re comfortable taking things to the next level (see note below).

Note: Physiological responses like an erection, lubrication, arousal, or orgasm are involuntary, meaning your body might react one way even when you are not consenting to the activity. Sometimes perpetrators will use the fact that these physiological responses occur to maintain secrecy or minimize a survivor's experience by using phrases such as, "You know you liked it." In no way does a physiological response mean that you consented to what happened. If you have been sexually abused or assaulted, it is not your fault.

Consent does NOT look like this:

Refusing to acknowledge “no”

A partner who is disengaged, nonresponsive, or visibly upset

Assuming that wearing certain clothes, flirting, or kissing is an invitation for anything more

Someone being under the legal age of consent, as defined by the state

Someone being incapacitated because of drugs or alcohol Pressuring someone into sexual activity by using fear or intimidation

Assuming you have permission to engage in a sexual act because you’ve done it in the past.” -RAINN’s website

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“Rule 4: Check In Regularly

The best way to ensure that all parties are comfortable with any sexual activity is to talk about it, check in periodically, and make sure everyone involved consents before escalating or changing activities. Boundaries can change over time as you grow and experience new things. So what was okay recently, may not be okay today or tomorrow.

You can withdraw consent at any point if you feel uncomfortable. One way to do this is to clearly communicate to your partner that you are no longer comfortable with this activity and wish to stop. Withdrawing consent can sometimes be challenging or difficult to do verbally, so non-verbal cues can also be used to convey this. That’s where the next rule becomes really important.

Rule 5: Respect Each Other

Respect is about honoring one another’s boundaries.

Enthusiastic consent is a model for understanding consent that focuses on a positive expression of consent. Simply put, enthusiastic consent means looking for the presence of a “yes” rather than the absence of a “no.”

Enthusiastic consent can be expressed verbally or through nonverbal cues, such as positive body language like smiling, maintaining eye contact, and nodding. These cues alone do not necessarily represent consent, but they are additional details that may reflect consent. It is necessary, however, to still seek verbal confirmation. The important part of consent, enthusiastic or otherwise, is checking in with your partner regularly to make sure that they are still on the same page.

Enthusiastic consent can look like:

Asking permission before you change the type or degree of sexual activity with phrases like “Is this OK?”

Confirming that there is reciprocal interest before initiating any physical touch.

Letting your partner know that it's okay to stop at any time.

Periodically checking in with your partner, such as asking “Is this still okay?”

Accepting an answer of “no” without asking again

Providing positive feedback when you’re comfortable with an activity.

Explicitly agreeing to certain activities, either by saying “yes” or another affirmative statement, like “I’m open to trying.”

Using physical cues to let the other person know you’re comfortable taking things to the next level (see note below).

Consent does NOT look like:

Refusing to acknowledge “no”

A partner who is disengaged, nonresponsive, or visibly upset

Assuming that wearing certain clothes, flirting, or kissing is an invitation for anything more

Someone being under the legal age of consent, as defined by the state

Someone being incapacitated because of drugs or alcohol Pressuring someone into sexual activity by repeatedly asking or using fear, intimidation, or coercion.

Assuming you have permission to engage in a sexual act because you’ve done it in the past

Physiological responses like an erection, lubrication, arousal, or orgasm are involuntary, meaning your body might react one way even when you are not consenting to the activity. Sometimes perpetrators will use the fact that these physiological responses occur to maintain secrecy or minimize a survivor's experience by using phrases such as, "You know you liked it." In no way does a physiological response mean that you consented to what happened. If you have been sexually abused or assaulted, it is not your fault.” -RAINN Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network.)

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“Lifestyle:

Survivors in this stage can have their lifestyle affected in some of the following ways:

Their sense of personal security or safety is damaged.

They feel hesitant to enter new relationships.

Questioning their sexual identity or sexual orientation (more typical of men raped by other men or women raped by other women.[16][17]).

Sexual relationships become disturbed.[18] Many survivors have reported that they were unable to re-establish normal sexual relations and often shied away from sexual contact for some time after the rape. Some report inhibited sexual response and flashbacks to the rape during intercourse. Conversely, some rape survivors become hyper-sexual or promiscuous following sexual attacks, sometimes as a way to reassert a measure of control over their sexual relations.” -Wikipedia. All of the above describes what happened to me 💯. “Rule 3: Ask Every Time

It’s important to discuss boundaries and expectations with your partner prior to engaging in any sexual behavior. If you’re unsure about another person’s boundaries, ask. Be clear and direct with your questions. It’s necessary and it should happen every time.

Some examples:

Would you like it if I kissed you?

If I touch you there/in that way, would you want that?

What do you like/don’t you like? Consent is a constant conversation.

Consenting to one activity, one time, does not mean someone gives consent for other activities or for the same activity on other occasions. For example, agreeing to kiss someone doesn’t give that person permission to remove your clothes. Having sex with someone in the past doesn’t give that person permission to have sex with you again in the future.

Nothing should be assumed. If something is unclear or you are unsure, it’s always best to ask.” RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network.) “Rule 2: Communicate Comfort Zones

Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of respect and communication. Your partner won’t necessarily know your boundaries if you don’t communicate them, and vice versa.

Conversations about boundaries should be rooted in respect and empathy. Remember, having boundaries creates stronger, more trustworthy relationships—it’s not a personal attack .

Here are a few tips for having a successful conversation:

Set the stage. Have the conversation in an environment that’s comfortable and inviting for all parties. Have refreshments or fidget toys available to help create conversation “breaks.”

Use “I” statements to talk about your feelings. To keep the conversation helpful and productive, make sure these statements concentrate on the actions, not the person.

End the conversation with solutions. What things can you keep in mind to help each other feel safe, respected, and cared for?

Here’s examples you can use to start your own conversation:

When [insert boundary violating activity here] happens, I feel [explain emotion]. By [insert boundary here], I will feel [explain emotion here].

I love [insert physical activity you like here] but I’m not ready for [insert physical activity you don’t want here]. When you try to do it anyways it makes me feel like you aren’t respecting my boundaries or me.” RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network.)

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“What are the warning signs?

Child sexual abuse isn’t always easy to spot and some survivors may not exhibit obvious warning signs. The perpetrator could be someone you’ve known a long time or trust, which may make it even harder to notice. Consider some of the following common warning signs:

Physical signs:

Bleeding, bruises, or swelling in genital area

Bloody, torn, or stained underclothes

Difficulty walking or sitting

Frequent urinary or yeast infections

Pain, itching, or burning in genital area

Behavioral signs:

Changes in hygiene, such as refusing to bathe or bathing excessively

Develops phobias

Exhibits signs of depression or post-traumatic stress disorder

Expresses suicidal thoughts, especially in adolescents

Has trouble in school, such as absences or drops in grades

Inappropriate sexual knowledge or behaviors

Nightmares or bed-wetting

Overly protective and concerned for siblings, or assumes a caretaker role

Returns to regressive behaviors, such as thumb sucking

Runs away from home or school

Self-harms

Shrinks away or seems threatened by physical contact

Where can I get help?

If you want to talk to someone anonymously, call the National Child Abuse Hotline at 800.4.A.CHILD (422-4453), any time 24/7.

Learn more about being an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

To speak with someone who is trained to help, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673) or chat online at online.rainn.org.

Want to learn more about healing after child sexual abuse? Access RAINN's eight-week learning series "Redefining Resilience" with topics such as understanding trauma, moving past shame, managing memories, and more.” -RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) Let’s review 5 rules for obtaining, confirming, and honoring consent.

Rule 1: Establish Boundaries

Boundaries are your personal rules. They help you articulate the behaviors that make you feel safe and respected, not just in terms of sexual relationships, but in all sorts of relationships.

Your boundaries can be shaped by many things, including the cultural norms you grew up with, like your family dynamics, your religion, your education, or where you grew up. Your personal life experiences and your personality also influence your comfort level with different interactions or activities.

Boundaries can be physical, emotional, or digital, especially now as the coronavirus pandemic means so much of our lives take place online.

Some examples of physical boundaries:

I only hug people I know, not people I just met; but I’m comfortable shaking hands.

I’d love to get together but I’m not comfortable with that right now since we have not been part of the same social pod.

I’m not comfortable dining inside right now but I am comfortable eating outside.

Examples of emotional boundaries could include things like:

I need time alone each day to process my thoughts and feelings.

I’d like to avoid conversations about religion because it is a difficult topic for me.

Digital boundaries are becoming increasingly important in today’s connected, always-on world. Some examples could include:

I keep my social media accounts private and only allow followers/friends I know personally.

I have the right to block/unfollow anyone I am uncomfortable with to protect myself when I am on social media.

I need to detox from my phone before bed, so I don’t look at it after 9 pm. I won’t respond to any messages after that until the next day.

Your personal boundaries are just that—yours. They help you define what you’re comfortable with or uncomfortable with.” -RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network.)

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