Top 5 at Five

Trump cozies up to Bukele and shrugs off the Supreme Court like it’s spam mail, KFC wants your morning breath to taste like drumsticks, TikTok becomes China’s luxury goods showroom thanks to a backfiring tariff war, Southern California gets rattled—again—and Paige Bueckers signs a deal that makes the WNBA look like the unpaid internship of pro sports.

All that and more on today’s Top 5 @ 5, where the news is messy, petty, and somehow still smells like fried chicken.

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Trump’s about to ghost Elon, TikTok’s getting wrapped in a flag and sold for parts, and Mayor Adams just walked out of federal court like it’s an episode of Suits. Plus, the NFL finally fixes its overtime mess, and the most heartwarming story of the week is coming straight outta San Quentin—yep, prison puppies are the emotional support story you didn’t know you needed.

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• Trump Might Actually Dump Elon After Embarrassing Defeat in Wisconsin

Trump declares a new holiday and it’s just tariffs in drag. OpenAI grabs $40 billion while Elon fumes in a corner. Cory Booker talks for 19 straight hours and somehow still doesn’t filibuster. France kicks Marine Le Pen off the 2027 ballot and the far-right eats itself alive. And corporate April Fools’ jokes continue their war on comedy—with chip sandwiches, BBQ lipstick, and a candle that smells like cat poop. Let’s get into it.

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• What this week's rollout of Trump's tariffs could mean for you | AP News

From baseball bats built like missiles to precinct pranks gone full psycho, today’s Top 5 is a chaos buffet. We’re talking Yankees going nuclear at the plate, a Jersey police chief running the world’s grossest HR department, Trump flirting with a third term (again), submarines full of cocaine, and a massive earthquake rocking an already unstable Myanmar. It’s politics, sports, crime, and cocaine—with your daily dose of side-eye.

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• Trump signs executive order requiring proof of citizenship to register to vote in federal elections

Trump’s crew thinks a Signal group chat is a secure comms channel—spoiler, it’s not. Meanwhile, the administration walks away from Saudi talks with less than a ceasefire but more than zero, Diddy gets half a lawsuit dropped, and an Oscar-winning Palestinian filmmaker gets arrested for existing. Plus, your women’s March Madness bracket is about to get wrecked.

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• Trump's promise of a quick end to Ukraine war gets a reality check after talks end with no deal

Private chats re Houthi attacks in Yemen in Signal got leaked to a journalist like it was WhatsApp in 2012, Trumpito’s back in court doing his best impression of a man who’s never read the Constitution, and 23andMe just filed for bankruptcy—which, let’s be real, is poetic for a company that sold your DNA like Groupon coupons. We say goodbye to the champ George Foreman, grill king and heavyweight icon, and spotlight the 21-year-old in NYC who just became the first person cured of sickle cell disease with a one-and-done gene therapy. Science wins. Privacy loses. And Trump’s still Trump.

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• Trump says countries that purchase oil from Venezuela will pay 25% tariff

Hollywood meltdowns, billion-dollar sports sales, and the government making moves no one asked for—welcome to another day in 2025. We break down Gal Gadot’s protest-filled Walk of Fame ceremony, Disney’s Snow White disaster (spoiler: it’s bad), and why Boston fans just got even more unbearable with the Celtics’ $6.1 billion sale. Then, Trump decides schools are overrated and signs an executive order to gut the Department of Education, because why not? Plus, March Madness is here, which means brackets are getting destroyed, and Vegas is making all the money. And finally, a PSA: stop lighting Teslas on fire. Seriously.

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• Trump to sign executive order to close Education Department - The Washington Post

A $95 million Texas Lottery hack that might get shut down, the JFK files drop that wasn’t the bombshell some hoped for, Trump’s FTC purge and Musk’s Social Security overhaul, RFK Jr.’s bird flu “strategy” (spoiler: it’s chaos), and Drake suing UMG over a diss track… and getting roasted in court. Plus, a 3-year-old hero saves the day.

Stay tuned for the best, the worst, and the downright ridiculous in today’s Top 5 at Five!

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• RFK Jr.’s Prescription for Bird Flu on Farms: Let It Spread - The New York Times

Trumpito is back at it—spinning a non-ceasefire in Ukraine, throwing tantrums about judges, and quietly rehiring the government workers he fired. Roku is testing autoplay ads before you even reach the home screen (gross). Meanwhile, Forever 21 is finally shutting its doors for good, aka Temporary 21, and the great black spatula panic turned out to be a whole lot of nothing. But don’t worry—it’s not all bad. A man just survived 100 days with a titanium heart, and it might just change the future of medicine. Let’s get into it.

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• Israel Strikes Gaza, Killing Hundreds After Talks to Extend Cease-Fire with Hamas Stall - WSJ

Happy Monday, Top 5 fam! Today, we’re breaking down the weekend’s wildest news: Trump ignored a judge and shipped Venezuelan gangsters to El Salvador anyway, Arlington Cemetery casually erased minority war heroes (history? who needs it?), and Amazon decided your Echo should record your every whispered secret—because privacy is so 2024. Plus, Harvard finally shares some of its cash mountain, Biden’s pardons might be fake (if you believe Trump’s Autopen conspiracy), and a hero-rescue-turned-engagement gives us all hope that romance isn’t dead. Let’s dive into the madness!

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• US deports hundreds of Venezuelans to El Salvador despite court order