Trails of Thought podcast

Sometimes, when I listen back over voice notes, I noticed a whiney tone in my voice. It hasn't changed since I was a belligerent teenager. I also notice that when I'm slightly stressed, my voice sounds a bit forced... Idk, there's a subtle shift in tone. Of course, it's not just our tone of voice that can change depending on our emotional state, but we're all probably aware of our own accents and how they sometimes change. Not just when we change locations, but also due to nervousness, trying to fit in, or trying to stand out.

And slightly different accents can cause a bit of confusion. I've not only had to speak differently, in order to be understand by non-native English speakers, but I've had to change my accent to be understood by Americans. Though that's only happened once if I'm honest.

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OK, just finishing my thoughts regarding my recent conflict with Steve. Why is it playing on my mind so much? Why do I care? How can I get Steve to respect me like I'm Idris Elba & Judy Dench's love child?

Obs, all my thoughts & worries about Steve are projections of my own insecurity. When I worry that he - or anyone else - doesn't like or will reject me, it's basically a reflection of my own self-rejection.

Sometimes when I'm feeling particularly sensitive and everything just feels a bit harder or annoying, I'm able to remind myself that it's just a dark cloud passing over, making everything seem darker than it really it. But clouds always pass eventually.

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I've been doing a lot of rambly voice notes lately, that have ended up in the bin. This voice note is an attempt to summarise them all. I talk about going through a bit of burn out lately, and how I'm planning to recharge and recuperate. And why I'm more than happy to limit my social interactions as we come to the end of the year.

I talk about being emotionally sensitive and reactive, and how I've been trying to cope with that and resolve it in my own head. And yes, my old friend "Steve" comes up again!

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Sometimes a good old metaphor can really help you make sense of how you feel. It can even help to try and express it to other people too.

I've had a lot of anxiety through out my life and so have had plenty to turn into metaphors. Sometimes it's like an emergency hand brake in my brain. And the rest of me is desperately trying to keep my foot on the accelerator pedal and move forwards. Sometimes it's like a mass of black flies buzzing around in my mind.

At other times, it's like the most inefficient app that drains energy and RAM away from all the other apps, putting you in malfunction mode. How do you turn it off when you discover it's been constantly running in the background and is causing all your low energy?

I woke up today and slowly realised I'd left the anxiety app on overnight. No wonder I felt so groggy! I was able to eventually sit down and figure out what it was trying to help me work through. And I did manage to feel a bit better after. Here's how...

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Thinking about a few occasions that I was either scammed, or people attempted to scam me, when I travelled. Yes, I know I have been incredibly naive and gullible. And also lucky that no harm's come of it.

The premise of these scams all pre-date internet banking and are based on good old fashioned tom foolery. Well, more fool you scammers! Because I am tight and don't go flashing my cash or chucking money around. On one occasion, I didn't even realise someone had been trying to scam me, until a few hours later. Yes, I am that oblivious at times.

Still, they're the stories and scenarios I remember from travelling. And they all happened because I like to go along with things, have a bit of an adventurous spirit, and see what happens. Or maybe I'm just a massive wally.

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I finally remembered the name of the 90s talk show host I'd wanted to reference yesterday - Jeremy Springer of course. Which had me thinking about our British spinoffs - Trisha, and most depressingly of all, Jeremy Kyle.

I also share about the times I was in the audience in live TV show recordings - basically pensioners, students, super fans and people who don't have day jobs. Lol.

Some of this leads me down the trail of why women have always been expected to "look attractive" on TV - and are actually complained about - in a way that men are not. Which is kind of fitting considering all the ridiculous reactions to a recent young actress being secretly snapped in her bikinis while she's just hanging out by her own pool. Depressing that this is still the norm!

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Do you find yourself craving sugar, carbs, fat or generally caloricious foods? Yes I know that's totally normal and comfort eating as a well-known thing. But you never hear people dive deeper into it. Well, I haven't anyway. So this is where I rectify that, and talk about specific times I've noticed what feels like a purely physical urge to eat, as a direct response to a slightly stressful situation.

Amongst the chat, I have a right bitch about the Student Loans department of the UK Government and how I'm pretty sure they gaslit me....or were at least taking the piss anyway.

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