In this episode of the Transformation Cafe podcast, host Robin Masiewicz and co-host Amy Frost interview Suzanne Connolly and Kristin Miller about TFT – Thought Field Therapy – as a treatment for Post Traumatic Stress.

TFT was developed by Roger Callahan, Ph.D. It involves tapping on acupuncture meridians in a specific sequence while a person is thinking of a traumatic event or a specific problem. Research has shown that it can be a very effective treatment for individuals with PTS.

PTSD, or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, in the general world population, is a significant public health problem. At the global level it’s estimated that the treatment of PTSD accounts for about 4% of the global burden of disease. 10 % of women, and 5 % of men worldwide, are suffering from post-traumatic stress. According to the World Health Organization, mental illness is predicted to be the second largest cause of death and disability in populations around the world by 2020, second only to heart disease.

Suzanne and Kristin will be working with Amy on a exciting new study to treat veterans in Las Vegas. The project is called the Veteran to Veteran Healing Project. Not only will Suzanne, Kristin, and their team be able to treat veterans directly, but their patients will also be taught how to perform TFT for themselves, and how to work with their peers.

How to Participate

If you are a veteran in the Las Vegas area and would like to participate, here is a link to the Letter of Invitation to Participate and the form you’ll need to complete.

Dr. Roger Callahan on Tapping

Thought Field Therapy Demonstration

Resources:

The Veterans Transition Resource Center (https://veteranstransitionresourcecenter.com) is a collaborative partnership between Life After Active Duty and Veterans Care Foundation, created to help fill the gap in Veteran Services.

Veteran’s Transition Resource Center article: Veteran to Veteran Thought Field Therapy (TFT) Intervention for War-Related PTSD Can Help Nevada Combat Veteran Suicide Statewide

Guests: Suzanne M. Connolly, TFT-Adv, LCSW, LMFT, based in Sedona, Arizona and Kristin Miller, Ph.D., CA Lic. Psychologist

Suzanne’s website: Thought Field Therapy

Online Video Training in TFT by Suzanne Connolly: http://www.thoughtfieldtherapy.net/online-training/

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This week we’re exploring the Coloring Book Craze! Why are they so popular? Can they really help you to relax?

Studies have shown that coloring books and coloring pages can be extremely therapeutic, and has been compared to the benefits that one gets from meditation. It must be working; adult coloring books have taken over the publishing industry, and have skyrocketed to the best-seller list.

You can’t walk into a brick-and-mortar bookstore without seeing a table filled with coloring books for adults.

In the video below, Katie Couric talks about how adult coloring books have become a phenomenon. It started in the U.K., then to France, but has quickly spread globally. Coloring parties are even popping up in bars!

Just a few of the benefits of coloring books:

* Coloring has been shown to have stress-reducing benefits

* Increases focus and creativity

* Provides opportunities for social time

* Alternative to meditation

Check out this list of 10 Therapeutic Benefits of Coloring Books for Adults from color-meanings.com for a more in-depth discussion of the benefits.

Links to articles about Adult Coloring Books

Here’s an interesting article about the Health and Brain Benefits of Adult Coloring Books from Wellness Mama.

http://www.medicaldaily.com/therapeutic-science-adult-coloring-books-how-childhood-pastime-helps-adults-356280

4 Benefits of Adult Coloring Books

If you’d like to purchase some coloring books and give it a try yourself, we’d love you to take a look at this link to the Adult Coloring Book page on Amazon.

Here are some favorites:

And lest you think they are all butterflies and unicorns, here are a couple that are definitely more “adult”.

And last but not least, you’ll need some colored pencils and a sharpener.

The Cafe Book Club concludes our study of Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness by Shasta Nelson. In this episode we talk about the final obstacles to intimacy: Envy and Jealousy. We also discuss the main ideas from the book and how it has affected the way we look at our friendships and ourselves.

Frientimacy Recap

Here are links to the previous episodes of our Cafe Book Club review of Frientimacy.

Chapters 1-2 – The Intimacy Gap

Chapters 3-5  – The Frientimacy Triangle, Identifying the 5 Intimacy Gaps and Positivity – Giving and Receiving

Chapters 6 -7 –  Consistency – Building Trust and Vulnerability – Deeper Meaning

Chapters 8-10 – Leaning into Intimacy – Obstacles Doubting our Self Worth and Fear of Rejection

Chapter 11 – Obstacles – The Toxic Friend Trend

Chapters 12-13 -Obstacles – Jealousy and Envy and Holding Ourselves Back

Conclusion – What we learned and what are our next steps in friendship

 

About Shasta:

Shasta Nelson, M.Div., is the Founder of GirlFriendCircles.com, a women’s friendship matching site in 65 cities across the U.S. and Canada. Her spirited and soulful voice for strong female relationships can be found in her books Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness and Friendships Don’t Just Happen! The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of GirlFriends. She also writes at ShastasFriendshipBlog.com and in the Huffington Post, speaks across the country, and is a friendship expert in the media appearing on such shows as Katie Couric and the Today Show.

Shasta’s Links:

Websites

Shasta Nelson

www.ShastaNelson.com

GirlFriendCircles.com

www.GirlFriendCircles.com

Shasta’s Friendship Blog

www.ShastasFriendshipBlog.com

//

In this week’s episode of the Transformation Cafe, host Robin Masiewicz discusses chapter 11 of Frientimacy. This chapter is about Obstacle #3 to Frientimacy: “The Toxic Friend Trend”.

As Shasta says in her article in the Huffington Post, not all friendships last forever.

“Chances are, only a select few people you are close to now will end up becoming life-long friends. And even those friendships have to change and become something new many times over, as we all go through various life stages and moves. But all friendships should enhance our lives and teach us new ways of loving people, even if they don’t last forever, so it’s important to learn how to leave people better off for having spent time with you.”

 

Is Your Friend Really Toxic?

“Very few people are actually “toxic” (a word thrown around way too easily these days!), but that is not to say that the friendship you co-created with someone might not be meeting your needs anymore.”

“Seeing that it often has less to do with their actions and more to do with our expectations and current needs reminds us that there is room for mature conversations to help grow the friendship into something that brings joy to both individuals.”

How to Deal with a Toxic Friend

Here is a three-step process for dealing with a toxic friend as suggested by Oprah.com.

 

Five Practices for Owning Up

“It so happens that in practicing being kind–especially with those we’d previously want to shun–we will grow in the process. We will build stronger muscles as we engage in our compassion, provoke our empathy, and develop our ability to set boundaries.”

“When we show up differently, it changes the pattern and dynamic of the relationship–and in turn invites the other to respond differently. Chances are high that our friend won’t respond perfectly the first time we practice, nor will we initiate perfectly. That’s why it’s called practice. And know that the point is not to reach immediate success. If we feel it’s important to stay in relationship with this person, the point is we’re choosing to become more likely to hold our peace through whatever comes–and to in turn be an agent of peace.”

Own Our Imperfections

Assume the Best in Others

Work to Understand Others’ Needs

Rethink the Word “Needy”

Trust That You Are Safe

For Evaluation

On a scale of 1-10, how strong is the habit to immediately judge, dismiss, or devalue others who disappoint me?

For Reflection

When I judge others, the pay-off for me is. . . (in other words, how do I feel better? What motivates me? What is my benefit or gain?)

If someone else were to describe me as toxic, the behaviors they’d probably point to would be:

Is there someone in my life I need to set better boundaries with in order to have a healthier relationship? If so, what might that look like?

Of the Five Practices for Owning Up that are highlighted in this chapter, which one(s) resonate with me as the one that will make the biggest difference to my life? What could that look like?

Resources:

Shasta references The Wisdom of the Enne...

The Cafe Book Club continues with our study of Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness by Shasta Nelson. In this episode we start Part 3  on Obstacles to Intimacy. Chapter 8 – Leaning into Intimacy, Chapter 9 – Obstacle #1: Doubting Our Self Worth, and Chapter 10 – Obstacle #2: The Fear of Rejection.

We all suffer from doubting our own self worth, and from fear of rejection. The question, though, is what can we do about it?

About Fear

“There are two things about fear that are particularly pertinent to our discussion: 1) It doesn’t distinguish whether it’s based on reality or not; and 2) Many of the fears that plague us are all frequently injurious to relationships.”

Leaning into Intimacy

Shasta identifies five basic fears that we all have, and addresses each one in a separate chapter. She starts the section with a chapter called “Leaning in to Intimacy”.

I am willing to put as much energy into the saving of a friendship as I put into the the development of that friendship. Pulling away isn’t the path to intimacy; we have to stay loving and curious if we want to get there.

Relationships are the Gym for our Personal Growth

“Our relationships are the health clubs where we practice intimacy; the places where we build up the muscles of compassion, increase our endurance for sitting with hard feelings, and stretch the flexibility of our biases. It’s in our relationships where the rubber meets the road, where we practice being those better people we claim we want to become, the people we wish everyone else can be.”

Friendships are the gymnastics for the soul, where we can practice the hard work of relationships.

The Hard Work of Relationships, such as:

Apologizing even when our friends don’t.

Asking our friends what is bothering them even if we’re unsure we want to know.

Brainstorming solutions with our friends to help us love each other in meaningful ways with what we each offer.

Finding loving ways to say, “I need something different.”

Naming our feelings instead of expecting our friends to guess.

Practicing empathy even when we’re tempted to judge.

Speaking up honestly even when it’s easier to shrug it off and pretend we’re fine.

Releasing our own version of a story instead of looking for more evidence to back it up.

Staying non-defensive even when we feel attacked.

Talking to our friend who hurt us instead of complaining about her to everyone else.

Amy discusses a resource from the Center for Nonviolent Communication to help to describe our feelings. The Feelings Inventory provides a list of words to express a combination of emotional states and physical sensations. It is meant as a starting place to support anyone who wishes to engage in a process of deepening self-discovery and to facilitate greater understanding and connection between people. They also provide a Needs Inventory.

There are two parts to this list: feelings we may have when our needs are being met and feelings we may have when our needs are not being met.

Discussing Frustration or Hurt

If your friendship is going through a rough patch, Shasta provides four actions we can engage in when we choose to discuss our frustration or hurt. The goal isn’t for us to feel better by dumping our frustrations on the other; rather our goal is to deepen the intimacy by inviting conversation. We want to open up space with questions, not shut it down with blame.

Expressing Love

Validating Feelings

Removing Blame

In this episode of the Transformation Cafe, host Robin Masiewicz and co-host Amy Frost discuss chapters 6 and 7 of Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness by Shasta Nelson. This section focuses on the other two sides of the Frientimacy Triangle: Consistency and Vulnerability.

Shasta discusses the intimacy gap and other questions in this interview from the Toronto Star:

In your book, you talk about an intimacy gap many of us feel in our friendships. What is that, exactly?

It’s the gap between what we wish we were experiencing in friendships and what we’re currently experiencing. It speaks to the fact that we all know a ton of people — it’s not a lack of a social life — but we’re not feeling that our friendships are deep or fulfilling enough.

Why do you think so many people feel that?

I think we’re not spending enough time with each other. Research shows healthy relationships need to stay above a 5:1 positivity to negativity ratio, so if we’re not seeing each other very often, and the encounters are filled with stressing and venting, we’re not having those times of laughing and having fun. We’re not feeling like people know what’s going on in our lives day-to-day. There are three aspects to friendships that are non-negotiable: positivity, consistency and vulnerability. If any of those are missing, it’s an obstacle.

Why is being vulnerable so important?

If you have positivity and consistency, it means you’re going out and having a good time, but you’re not feeling known. That third piece is what helps us feel safe and that our lives are feeling witnessed. Having those people we’ve practiced being vulnerable and real with — and going deeper with than just updating them about our lives — those are the people that we think will be there for us.

You talk about women searching for the perfect friend, the Thelma to our Louise, but obviously nobody’s perfect. Instead you think we need better friendships, not better friends. What do you mean by that?

If you look at those three non-negotiables of friendship, then anybody we practice those with, we’ll feel closer to. For example, we’ll feel closer to someone we work with because the consistency is happening often. Those women at work, if we’d gone on one coffee date, we wouldn’t have necessarily chosen them as a best friend, but we’re bonding because of the consistency with each other. We all have examples of women we really, really like and admire and had a great time with, but if we never saw them again, we didn’t develop a friendship. The only people who develop a friendship are the ones doing these three things together.

What can women do if they feel like their friendships are lopsided, where they’re giving more than they’re getting?

Only 26 per cent of us feel like we’re in friendships that are mutual — it’s a staggeringly low number! We tend to keep score more when we’re feeling depleted and tired, which speaks to women’s need for self-care. It also speaks to the fact that women need to practice asking for what they need. We need to learn to say, “I don’t need advice right now, I just need you to validate me.”

If you could offer one key piece of friendship advice based on your research for the book, what would it be?

I would say: Initiate the connection that you’re craving with your friendships. If you want more meaningful relationships, it’s in your hands.

Frientimacy Schedule:

Chapters 1-2 – The Intimacy Gap

Chapters 3-5  – The Frientimacy Triangle,

In this episode of the Transformation Cafe, host Robin Masiewicz and co-host Amy Frost discuss chapters 3 – 5 of Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness by Shasta Nelson. This section focuses on the Frientimacy Triangle, Identifying the 5 Intimacy Gaps, and Positivity: Giving and Receiving.

“Simply stated, frientimacy is any relationship where two people feel really seen in a way that feels satisfying and safe for both of them.”

“So how can we find frientimacy?”

For us to feel SATISFIED, we must feel our interaction is rewarding, practicing POSITIVITY with each other.

For us to feel SAFE, we must feel some level of trust, practicing CONSISTENCY with each other.

For us to feel SEEN, we must be willing to reveal ourselves, practicing being VULNERABLE with each other.

The Frientimacy Triangle consists of the qualities of Commitment, Vulnerability, and Positivity. As Shasta describes it:

“To initiate, cultivate, and safeguard our intimacy, we must practice three things: positivity, consistency, and vulnerability.”

Frientimacy = positivity + consistency + vulnerability

The Frientimacy Triangle. In this model Positivity forms the base.

If you haven’t already done so, we encourage you to get your own copy of Frientimacy and join the discussion. You can leave a comment, or call in to the show live on Tuesday night at 8 PM Pacific time. The call-in number is (646) 727-3206. We’d love to hear from you!

 

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In this week’s podcast host Robin Masiewicz, co-host Amy Frost, and guest Dr. Kymn start our exploration of  Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness by Shasta Nelson, a nationally recognized friendship expert. This episode covers chapters 1 and 2 – The Intimacy Gap.

The Intimacy Gap

This section includes an assessment to help you evaluate were you are in terms of relationships. The “intimacy gap” is the difference between the level of intimacy we are experiencing in our friendships, and the level we wish we were experiencing. Shasta describes this gap in the video below.

“With the constant connectivity of today’s world, it’s never been easier to meet people and make new friends—but it’s never been harder to form meaningful friendships.”

Shasta makes the case that we are living in the “Age of Loneliness”.

“So I’d like to clarify what I do and don’t mean when I say we’re lonely. We’re not lonely because we don’t have any friends, we’re lonely because those friends don’t always leave us feeling better after spending time with them.”

Robin and Amy discuss the workbook that accompanies the book, and how they are finding it to be a valuable tool to explore this subject. You can find the workbook on Shasta’s website.

Tentative Schedule:

Chapters 1-2 – The Intimacy Gap

Chapters 3-5  – The Frientimacy Triangle, Identifying the 5 Intimacy Gaps and Positivity – Giving and Receiving

Chapters 6 -7 –  Consistency – Building Trust and Vulnerability – Deeper Meaning

Chapters 8-10 – Leaning into Intimacy – Obstacles Doubting our Self Worth and Fear of Rejection

Chapters 11-13 – Obstacles – The Toxic Friend, Jealousy and Envy and Holding Ourselves Back

Conclusion – retake the quiz… come prepared to talk about what you learned and what are our next steps in friendship.

We invite you to join us each week as we work through the book and explore how we can implement the ideas in our own lives. You can support the Transformation-Cafe by purchasing  Frientimacy using this link, or use the link in the Cafe Book Club Selection in the sidebar. It won’t cost you any more, but it helps us to continue providing new content. Thanks!

About Shasta:

Shasta Nelson, M.Div., is the Founder of GirlFriendCircles.com, a women’s friendship matching site in 65 cities across the U.S. and Canada. Her spirited and soulful voice for strong female relationships can be found in her books Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness and Friendships Don’t Just Happen! The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of GirlFriends. She also writes at ShastasFriendshipBlog.com and in the Huffington Post, speaks across the country, and is a friendship expert in the media appearing on such shows as Katie Couric and the Today Show.

Shasta’s Links:

Websites

Shasta Nelson

www.ShastaNelson.com

GirlFriendCircles.com

www.GirlFriendCircles.com

In this week’s podcast host Robin Masiewicz and co-host Amy Frost introduce our next Cafe Book Club selection: Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness by Shasta Nelson, a nationally recognized friendship expert.  The term “Frientimacy” is a combination of “Friendship” and “Intimacy” (as opposed to “Frenemies”, which is an entirely different topic best saved for another day).

Shasta has a theory. She believe that friendship can save the world. But what does that mean? Take a look at the brief video below that illustrates why she thinks friendship is so crucial.

 

Over the next several weeks, we’ll be exploring Frientimacy and the companion workbook and assessments which you can find on Shasta’s website.

Tentative Schedule:

Chapters 1-2 – The Intimacy Gap

Chapters 3-5  – The Frientimacy Triangle, Identifying the 5 Intimacy Gaps and Positivity – Giving and Receiving

Chapters 6 -7 –  Consistency – Building Trust and Vulnerability – Deeper Meaning

Chapters 8-10 – Leaning into Intimacy – Obstacles Doubting our Self Worth and Fear of Rejection

Chapters 11-13 – Obstacles – The Toxic Friend, Jealousy and Envy and Holding Ourselves Back

Conclusion – retake the quiz… come prepared to talk about what you learned and what are our next steps in friendship.

We invite you to join us each week as we work through the book and explore how we can implement the ideas in our own lives. You can support the Transformation-Cafe by purchasing  Frientimacy using this link, or use the link in the Cafe Book Club Selection in the sidebar. It won’t cost you any more, but it helps us to continue providing new content. Thanks!

Amy shares a poem by John O’Donohue in this episode.

A Friendship Blessing

May you be blessed with good friends.

May you learn to be a good friend to yourself.

May you be able to journey to that place in your soul where there is great love, warmth, feeling and forgiveness.

May this change you.

May it transfigure that which is negative, distant, or cold in you.

May you be brought in to the real passion, kinship, and affinity of belonging.

May you treasure your friends.

May you be good to them and may you be there for them; may they bring you all the blessings, challenges, truth and light that you need for your journey.

May you never be isolated.

May you always be in the gentle nest of belonging with your anam cara (soul friend).

John O’Donohue –  Anam Cara – A Book of Celtic Wisdom

 

About Shasta:

Shasta Nelson, M.Div., is the Founder of GirlFriendCircles.com, a women’s friendship matching site in 65 cities across the U.S. and Canada. Her spirited and soulful voice for strong female relationships can be found in her books Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness and Friendships Don’t Just Happen! The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of GirlFriends. She also writes at

Welcome to a very special edition of the Transformation Cafe podcast. We are pleased to present Robin’s interview with Mark Nepo – best-selling author, poet, teacher, and philosopher. This episode was recorded at a special retreat that Mark held at Pine Manor Resort in Lake Elsinore, California.

In this interview Mark talks about his transformational journey, how being a cancer survivor has influenced his writing and his life, and shares stories from his most recently published book called Inside the Miracle. He very graciously tells some of the stories he shared with the group at the retreat.

Robin Masiewicz with Mark Nepo

About Mark Nepo:

Mark Nepo is a poet and philosopher who has taught in the fields of poetry and spirituality for over 35 years. A New York Times #1 bestselling author, he has published 13 books and recorded eight audio projects. Mark has been interviewed twice by Oprah Winfrey as part of her Soul Series radio show, and was interviewed by Robin Roberts on Good Morning America. As a cancer survivor, Mark devotes his writing and teaching to the journey of inner transformation and the life of relationship. Mark’s work is widely accessible and used in spiritual retreats, healing and medical communities, and more. His work has been translated into 20 languages, and he continues to offer readings, lectures, and retreats. We recommend that you check out Mark’s audio books so you’ll not only experience his wisdom, but you’ll get to hear his lovely baritone voice.

 

Think of questions as a door you would open that you want to walk through with someone. Questions are thresholds to journeys, not where we get answers.

Mark talks about his latest book, Inside the Miracle, which collects 30 years of his inquiry into suffering and healing, and two new books that will be coming out later this year : The One Life We’re Given: Finding the Wisdom that Waits in Your Heart and a collection of over 200 of his poems called The Way Under the Way: The Place of True Meeting published by Sounds True. Both books are available for pre-order through Amazon.

 

Mark will be appearing at an event in Seattle July 16 – 17 sponsored by Sounds True called  Making Sense of Our Experience:The Heartwork of Resilience . Click the link for more information or to register for this great event (save $50 and register before June 1).

You can view Mark’s speaking schedule through 2017 at his website.

If you’re in the Southern California area, we encourage you to register for next year’s retreat at Pine Manor,