Transgender Gourd

Apparently.....or I just made the executive decision to not do it anymore when I became an adult, just like I decided to not do numbers, time has numbers so that would make sense. It's been a pretty edgy few weeks since last episode, and the Grammarly icon is harassing me as I  type this so that's not very supportive, so I think I'mma just leave the errors in as protest even though I could just delete the extension that I got when I was in high school. I'm a little manic this episode if you can't tell by this dumpster fire of a description, and there's exciting uninvited brain crashes (one lasted a whole 5 seconds I think!) but hopefully next episode will be a little more lighter and structured.....even though I say that every time....ENJOY!! Or not. :) 

This episode title is only going to make sense for those who listened to this podcast since it was Non-Binary Gourd, and it's going to feel terribly confusing to new listeners.....and I'm fully aware of that, don't you know how empowering it is to make people feel uncertainty and leave them in the dark??? But yeah, I'm a woman, it's fucking amazing to finally realize that and I just feel so....myself. I appreciate the silent support from my listeners and anyone who knows me personally that has been supportive. :') But yeah, back to the main point of this episode, I miss my messy room? Listen to find out why! (or don't)

Because maybe flexing my lack of common sense will make me seem like......exactly as I am, an insignificant source of common sense in my nutrition facts. Really I just have no money for winter tires and I'm not used to driving rear wheel drive in snow since my first vehicle was a very up-for-the-task all wheel drive, rip my old 2003 subaru forester. :'( So yeah, as a result I almost died this morning in a classic *dramatically spins out in front of traffic* type incident, and that would've sucked because I wouldn't have been able to bring you this room temperature garbage. But alas, I lived another day to generate trash, and I started a new medication so maybe this trash will progressively get more gourmet. (don't worry [or do] because I don't know what that will look like either)

I guess that's what I'm calling it, because the last time I registered reasonable mild criticism as getting "yelled at" was probably in elementary school (let's be real, middle school). But yeah, I had that un-comfy breakthrough for clocking out one minute too soon (Oooo, just typing it sparks the fear of failure). And you bet your ass it ruined my day and conjured up paranoia of my every move being watched as well as my reputation being hopelessly gored, even though my mentor (the scolder) probably didn't actually care and forgot about 2 minutes after notifying me...... I promise I'm working on getting a therapist and a medication.

Please don't actually take me up on that.....because hiring someone sounds like a lot of responsibility and money I don't have, lol. I'm sure you would do great though. Sorry I didn't do an episode last Saturday, I was too materially and emotionally poor, I'm probably not going to do a schedule like I did, it will just be whatever. In any case, thanks for listening. This bad personal journaling is like 30% of my reason for living, not enough to advertise (incase you IG follwers didn't notice) or care about the success of (what's that, lol), but enough to do anyway, lmao.

Calm your tits, the only drug this 30 minute ramble is on is the weed I smoked 4 hours ago, it's FINE. Alcohol withdrawal, even just from casually drinking 3 nights in a row, is absolute ass and I don't know why I thought there wouldn't be consequences for that, thought I would've learned that from my past phenibut addiction. But I'm doing much better today. And to anyone who has an addiction, so fuckin sorry, whatever shitty circumstances led there, I totally get it. War on drugs is bullshit.

Yeah, I forgot I got stoned beforehand and was like, "Why the fuck does it feel like I've been talking for an hour but the timer says 10 minutes, and why the fuck can't I remember where this story began???" But I did get some solid rambles on my new years eve festivities (microdosing shrooms and drinking with two close friends at home, NOT a covid-irresponsible party, fuck anyone who did that) aaaaand then I trailed off from there! :D

Did this earlier in the day and I'm still just as tired and dysfunctional. But work has been going well regardless of my fucky wucky sleep schedule, scarcity mentality and burnt tongue from a hot cocoa that I was too stoned to register was burning my tongue until it was too late. Hope you all are staying safe and hydrated. :) 

Life is as aight as it can be with seasonal depression in 2020, new job is going well other than almost peeing my pants the first day, and I got some awesome Xmas presents (hope you did as well). Stop abusing essential workers, pay them more, and let high school students pee and poo whenever they need too (straight up bars if you read that out loud XD).

The Bitter Melon Spirituality podcast is dead because the Law of Attraction is an incredibly destructive cult that I cannot endorse. Listen to me explain this shit while falling asleep on L Theanine and GABA.