Trashy Royals

This week, join us for a journey 500 years in the making! Off to Derbyshire we go to spend some time at Chatsworth, the ancestral home of the Cavendish family and the Dukes and Duchesses of Devonshire through time. 

There were many women who claimed the Duchess title, and a few who did not. We explore them all - from Bess of Hardwick, the lady who begins it all, to Georgiana Spencer and Deborah Mitford, the ones who did attain the title, as well as the ones who did not, including Lady Caroline Lamb, Adele Astaire, and Kick Kennedy. 

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We regret to inform you that today's legal regime of protecting corpses from desecration is a modern development, and even worse, royals have a rich history of relying on them for all sorts of things. Today we get into the alleged curative powers of corpses, especially among Spain's Hapsburg leaders a few centuries back.

Don Carlos himself, whom we covered last week, is said to have recovered from that serious head wound he received with the help of a local miracle-maker named Diego de Alcala - a Franciscan lay brother who had died some hundred years before.

Apparently the Spanish royals frequently slept beside the corpses of the venerated long dead. For instance, Isidore the Farmer was born around 1070 in Madrid and, over the course of his life, developed a bit of a legend for alleged miracles and feeding the poor. In death, his legend continued to grow, resulting in him being declared a Saint in the Catholic Church in 1619, then having his teeth pulled out to be placed under Charles II of Spain's pillows to aid his many ailments in 1696.

Speaking of Charles IIs, England had one, too, and he also had a penchant for human body parts. In his case though, the medicinal aspect was attained through consuming a tincture made from human skull fragments. And best of all, "The King's Drops" became all the rage across Europe for a century or more, which was certainly one way to put the remains of your ancestors to work for you.

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We've often marveled at the incestuous nature of royal marriages in Europe, but the inbreeding really came to a head in 16th century Spain, when King Philip II married and had a son with his double first cousin, Maria Manuela of Portugal. Carlos, their baby boy, came into the world with significant disadvantages; his legs were different lengths and his spine curved abnormally, causing problems with his gait and posture.

These are issues to be compassionate about, but Carlos's behavior from infancy forward tended toward the violent and sadistic. He injured his wet nurses by biting them, and was known to torture animals and humans alike as a child and adolescent. It's unclear whether his behavioral issues might have been inherited as well; among his four great-grandparents (most people have eight) and six great-great-grandparents (most people have sixteen) was Juana I of Castile, better known to us as Juana the Mad.

While Carlos was clearly unfit to become a monarch, Philip II was in a bit of a bind because he had no other sons, and his wives - he would be married four times in total - kept dying on him. Carlos's mother, Philip's first wife, died from complications from delivering him, Mary I of England died four years into their childless marriage, Elisabeth of Valois - originally betrothed to Carlos - died after nine years of marriage and several daughters, and finally, Anna of Austria was able to produce a living heir before she died after ten years of marriage. In the meantime, Philip found himself going to extreme lengths to protect his kingdom from his son - perhaps even by murdering him.

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One of the more fascinating women of the Tudor era was actually one of the last Plantagenets, Margaret Plantagenet, later Margaret Pole, Countess of Salisbury. Daughter of George, Duke of Clarence (he of Malmsey wine fame), and a niece to both King Edward IV and King Richard III, Margaret and her brother were taken into the care of King Henry VII after Richard's defeat at Bosworth Field. Henry's wife, Elizabeth of York, was Margaret's cousin, and perhaps because of his insecurities about his claim to the throne, Henry preferred to keep the remaining Plantagenets close.

As a consequence, Margaret had a front-row seat to some of the most consequential moments in the reigns of Henry VII and Henry VIII, including as a lady-in-waiting to Catherine of Aragon, who would become a close a friend across the decades. But she also suffered mightily; Henry VII imprisoned and then executed her brother, and after the death of her husband, Hank VII kept her nearly destitute through the confiscation of the Salisbury estate, rightfully her brother's Earldom. When Henry VIII succeeded his father - and Catherine of Aragon made a big return - Margaret was made whole, becoming one of only two women in 16th century England who was a peer in her own right.

Her success as a landowner did not sit well with the increasingly paranoid Henry VIII, who spent her last decade cracking down on her children, and eventually put Margaret into the Tower of London for a couple of years before Henry ordered her executed on the Tower Green on May 27, 1541. A contemporary report has it that she taunted her inexperienced executioner to the last.

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Alicia is leading a Swiftory takeover! To celebrate the launch of her newest podcast, Swiftory, she's taking you into one of its origin stories - the life of Catherine of Aragon, the first wife of Henry VIII, through a five-song arc of Taylor Swift songs. This one will sate the palate of both Trashy Divorces and Trashy Royals listeners!

Subscribe to Swiftory on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen.

Here are lyrics and live performances for you to enjoy your own musical journey!

Links with lyrics

Links to live performances

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Legend has it that at the turn of the 17th century, in a small corner of the then-Kingdom of Hungary, a noblewoman preyed on her peasant tenants, torturing and murdering them for her own sadistic pleasure high up in her castle in the Little Carpathian Mountains. Countess Elizabeth Bathory (Erzsebet Bathori, or Alzbeta Batoriova, in Hungarian and Slovakian, respectively) has been described as history's most prolific female serial killer - her death toll was said to be as high as 650 - until she was finally stopped on the order of the King of Hungary.

But the story is more complicated than the tale that's been passed down. The daughter of an extremely powerful and wealthy family, Elizabeth and her husband had loaned the crown significant sums to keep it afloat during a long war with the Ottoman Empire. She herself was a Calvinist in a time when Lutherans were agitating for greater authority in post-Reformation Europe, and one Lutheran minister in particular seems to have been diligent in spreading rumors of Elizabeth's bad conduct. After Elizabeth became a widow - thus a rich and powerful independent noblewoman who was owed a large sum of money from the King - the rumors intensified significantly. Is this because Elizabeth's murder spree picked up steam, or because, for reasons ranging from sexism and sectarianism to simple power politics and repayment avoidance, it was convenient to destroy Countess Bathory's reputation for all of history?

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It turns out that Royals have been enjoying (?) bizarre deaths a lot more often than we first realized! Among this set's methods of departure from the world: getting a little too cozy with your enemy's severed head, life-extension mercury (don't try this at home!), poorly constructed furniture, laughter, constipation, and, in a bit of a twist, a story about the arguable desecration of Philip the Fair's corpse by his too-loving widow.

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Like the rest of us, the world's royals are mere mortals who meet our universal fate in the end. But for some, that end came about in unusual ways - infected simian bites, the ingestion of liquid gold, genital maggots, a surfeit of lampreys, and the sweetest, perhaps: death by pastry.

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New from Hemlock Creatives: Swiftory, a not-so-typical Taylor Swift podcast, perfect for any Swiftie, literature lover, or history buff. 

Hosts Alicia and Melissa explore Taylor Swift’s music as a jumping off point into a wider world of fascinating figures and iconic literature. Join us as we romp through Taylor’s stories, visiting the places, personalities, and – of course – the eras, that her songs evoke. 

Coming 12/31/2024, wherever you listen to podcasts. Subscribe here on Spotify, or on Apple Podcasts.

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And in the concluding episode of the (ongoing) story of Princess Michael of Kent, we watch aghast as the Anglican and Catholic churches battle over the pending nuptials of Prince Michael and his sweet Marie-Christine, and then Alicia tries (and seems to largely fail) to explain to Stacie why British law and custom required Prince Michael of Kent to marry Princess Michael of Kent, and not Baroness Marie-Christine. Seems like Prince Michael's cousin Queen Elizabeth II could have done him - and his fiance - a solid here with some alternative title, but I guess not.

Then, we again watch aghast as Princess Michael of Kent unloads on the deceased Princess Diana (and the then-Prince of Wales, by proxy) and lobs some racist displays in the general direction of Meghan Markle. Why? It's just a matter of tradition, apparently. Yikes, this one is trashy.

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