Tread Perilously

Tread Perilously continues its primetime soaps months with the late 90s sci-fi teen drama Roswell. Specifically, a third season episode called "Control."

As Max continues his attempt to save his son, his journey leads him to a big shot Hollywood producer who happens to be one of the shapeshifting bodyguards sent to protect him fifty years prior. When Max discovers the producer must obey his direct orders, they plan to steal their UFO back from a nearby Air Force base. Meanwhile, Isabel is stunned to discover no one is excited about her upcoming wedding to Jesse. Also, Liz and Maria are in this episode.

Erik and Justin quickly get derailed to discuss Star Trek, which was also a UPN series for a time. They also express their puzzlement over Ronald D. Moore's producer role on Outlander. Colin Hanks gets compared to Chloe Sullivan, but NOT Allison Mack. Erik suspects Roswell may have been the source of some of Twilight's characters and structure. Both are surprised by Jason Behr's performance. They also cannot figure out why everyone is mad at Max and Isabel's adoptive mother. A close-up look at one scene leads Justin to soften his opinion on Katherine Heigl and Erik recalls the interim technology of the early 21st Century.

Tread Perilously begins a month of primetime soaps with the 1980s classic Dallas and an episode called "Shadow Games."

J.R. Ewing realizes a land deal his mother has been working on is being brokered by a shadowy bank. He is also trying to take control of Ewing Oil from Pamela, who's gone to South America with guest star Marc Singer. And somehow, he finds the time to keep his cousin Jack out of trouble. Meanwhile, Sue Ellen plans a charity auction, Clayton Farlow's worthiness comes into question and Donna Krebbs tells Miss Ellie an important secret. Back in South America, Pamela gets kidnapped. Also, Jenna Wade isn't over Bobby Ewing.

Justin tries to avoid talking about Dallas by invoking Twin Peaks. Erik points out the show's obsession with master-closeup-reverse. Both turn into budget-minded TV producers as they notice the cost-cutting methods of the show. Larry Hagman's subdued performance surprises them both. The conspicuous consumption of the characters leads to a treatise on economics. Justin finds a shocking darkness within the soul of Miss Ellie. Both try to determine why Victoria Principal was mostly absent from the episode. Justin also decides retroactively declaring the season a dream was a good idea and Erik recalls Jock Ewing.

Tread Perilously rounds out 2018 by convening the Special Review Unit for a look at the most recent episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, "Alta Kockers."

When a hip young author is found dead after their big reading at an important bookstore, Lieutenant Olivia Benson declares the murder a hate crime as the author was apparently male despite presenting female. SVU detectives continue to misgender the person even as the team discovers the victim was not the author of the novel Blue Barracuda. The investigation leads to a very nice house somewhere in the Bronx owned by an older Jewish gentleman and his brother. Did they kill author Bobbie O'Rourke or was he really the bartender at Molly Malone's who died of diabetes in 1975?

Captain Charlie Wright and Executive Assistant District Attorney Louis Allred join Justin and Erik to discuss the episode and point out a certain flaw in literary fiction. The group warns against walking around the Meatpacking District, though Charlie recommends the Whitney Museum. Justin declares Ninjas as the largest ethnic group in Hell's Kitchen. The casual transphobia throughout the story gets called out. Charlie tries to find a flaw in the perp's thinking. Erik reveals his hatred for new ADA Peter Stone. And in a rare case for Tread Perilously, the Special Review Unit decides Judd Hirsch and Wallace Shawn deliver Emmy-worthy performances.

Tread Merrily 2018 concludes with an allegedly wholesome film brought to you by the Painter of Light: Thomas Kinkade Presents The Christmas Lodge.

When Mary and her boyfriend Kent stumble upon the lodge her family used to stay at for Christmas, she becomes obsessed with its well-being. Current owner Jack is having a hard time fixing it up after abandoning it to take care of his parents, the former owners. But as she works at a big restoration firm in the city, and the rest of her family all happen to be contractors, she works tirelessly to help bring Christmas Lodge back its former glory. Meanwhile, Jack begins to develop a romantic interest in her and his daughter Charlene becomes obsessed with the welfare of Mary's ailing grandfather.

Sarah, Seth and David join Erik and Justin for this most perilous of Christmas films. Justin tries to make a case for Don Ameche to appear in the film. Erik forgets his Cylon model numbers. David recognizes star Michael Shanks from from Mr. Hockey: The Gordie Howe Story. The gang tries to determine what a "Canadian 12" might be. Erik inhabits Kent's hatred of nature.The film's lack of conflict leads to Justin recreating it as a horror film. Seth loses his mind and Sarah succumbs to nihilism. Also, everyone learns the secret of the Christmas Lodge's sourdough biscuit recipe.

Tread Merrily continues with Justin's first-ever look at the Brady Bunch in A Very Brady Christmas.

After Mike and Carol play out a very goofy version of the Gift of the Magi, they decide to bring all the kids home for Christmas. The kids decide to come, but bring plenty of grown-up baggage with them. Marcia's husband Wally lost his job, Peter can't deal with his girlfriend being his boss, Bobby is secretly training to be a race car driver, Cindy is tired of being thought of as a kid, and Greg misses his wife. Also, Jan and her husband Philip are breaking up. Can the Brady warmth and the Christmas Spirit solve their holiday woes?

Erik and Justin praise Gary Cole's spot-performance as Mike Brady in the Brady feature films. They also decide Mike Brady would have a heart-to-heart with Peter about colonoscopies. Erik declares it wouldn't be prudent to discuss George H.W. Bush. Justin recalls the rough-and-tumbles days of the late '80s. He also realizes just how weird "The Gift of the Magi" really is. Marcia's husband Wally gets called out, as does Greg's mustache. Jan and Philip's marriage problems turn out to be too realistic for a Brady special and Erik ties fake-Cindy back to Charles in Charge.

Tread Merrily begins three weeks of Christmas specials with the Doctor Who story "The Snowmen."

Despite isolating himself from the universe, The Doctor finds himself drawn to a mystery in 1892 London. He and a barmaid named Clara note snowmen appearing around the city are threatening people. Meanwhile, Dr. Simeon of the Great Intelligence Institute is planning to capture the ice form of a dead governess from a well-off family. The family's current governess also happens to be Clara. But what does she have to do with Oswin Oswald, a woman the Doctor previously met at the Asylum of the Daleks?

Erik and Justin attempt to piece together Simeon's family life. They also create Thaddeus Covington, Lord Berwick; the inventor of the Orphan Compressor. Erik extols the virtues of Sam Neill's performance as Damien in The Final Conflict. Justin nominates Karen Gillan for Queen of Scots. He also makes the argument for non-contemporary companions. Clara is deemed to be a better companion than Clara. Erik talks about his recent visit to the set of DC's Legends of Tomorrow. The discussion leads to a critique of refusing the call to adventure and the difference between fridging a character and "barbecuing" them. Also, Justin pronounces his judgment on the Paternoster Gang.

Tread Perilously adds Remington Steele to its rotation with an episode they had to call "Blood is Thicker Than Steele."

Laura Holt and Remington Steele are hired to protect the children of a rich ex-patriot whose dubious dealings with the Greykirk Corporation make him a star witness in a federal case against the company. Pretending to be tour guides, they try their best to escort the kids to meet him at the Phoenix courthouse, but with the older son hot for Laura and Remington Steele going to war with the younger daughter, their 48-hour trip becomes a trial all its own.

Justin discovers yet another 1980s television classic. Erik once again deploys his Walter Donovan impression. Justin and Erik discuss best practices in regards to knee-touching. Erik points out the important difference between Chuck E. Cheese and Showbiz Pizza. Justin creates the standing order of "See A Clown, Put 'Em Down." Erik suggests quips for Remington Steele as he lacks a good witty comeback game. The discussion inevitably leads to Mass Effect and Red Dead Redemption 2. Justin doubts children like Key Lime Pie. Pierce Brosnan's Bond gets dissected. Erik makes a trip to his geography corner and Justin quotes Multiple Miggs.

Tread Perilously once again observes Thanksgiving with an episode of The WB's long-running family drama 7th Heaven. This year's episode: "Last Call for Aunt Julie."

Reverend Camden's sister Julie comes to Glenoak for a family Thanksgiving. She's all smiles and jokes, but something seems off. Her long term boyfriend stayed back East, she expresses displeasure with her life and career to Annie, and Simon notices she drinks a lot of wine. Annie, being Annie, noses into Julie's affairs and discovers her drinking problem just as she tries to throttle Simon for the key to the family wine case. Will the Reverend and his family offer Julie aid or will they let her rot on the street? It could prove to be their toughest Thanksgiving yet.

Erik and Justin discuss the difficulties in casting Wolverine and Clive Owen's American accent. Justin tries to determine what is really wrong with Lucy. Erik endeavors to recall what one could do with $40 in 1996 money. He also reminisces about cheap store brand liquor. Both dissect the majesty of Airplane!'s "drinking problem" joke. Justin declares Erik the classier of the Tread Perilously duo. A new round of Secret Drifter leads to a surprising revelation and Erik outlines the five stages of the TV drunk.

Tread Perilously once again returns to its examination of NBC's short-lived series Manimal with its fourth episode, "Female of the Species."

When a young woman raised by wolves escapes from confinement, Manimal takes on the case. He's convinced she had a human identity at one time and works to help her access it. Meanwhile, goons on behalf a mysterious businessman try to kill her. Is she the long-lost daughter of a well-to-do Manhattanite? Was the seemingly accidental destruction of her family's boat more intentional than anyone thought? And will Manimal return her amorous advances once she decides he's a worthy mate?

Erik and Justin dissect some of the inadvertent racist stereotypes on display during a film of Wolf Girl's capture. Erik tries to determine the exact level of sleaziness in one of the supporting characters. Justin makes a bold stance on doggy-style jokes (for the duration of the episode). A group of goons become William H. Macy at various stages of his career. Justin spots Titanic's Gloria Stuart as a bag lady in one scene. Erik's knowledge of Los Angeles geography trips him up as Manimal takes place in New York. Manimal's home gets reviewed and Justin derails everything with "Johnson's Johnson."

Tread Perilously returns once again to the bizarre CBS series Tequila and Bonetti with its third episode, "The Rose Cadillac."

When visiting Detective Nico Bonetti's rose-colored Cadillac gets stolen by a car thief played by Star Trek: Voyager's Tim Russ, he blames his partner Tequila and sets off on an odyssey to retrieve it. Tequila, for his part, tries to make it up to Bonetti by pointing out clues. But being a dog, his surprising detective skills go unnoticed. Their attempts to find the car take them to a fortune teller/massage parlor/escort service run by a Voodoo priestess, a high class car dealership, and a film set. And as they leave a wave of comical destruction behind them, Captain Midian Knight tries his best to smooth things over.

Erik and Justin try to cast a remake of Xanadu. They also consider the work of director James Wan and break down the Tequila and Bonetti credit sequence. Erik analyzes Bonetti's very specific Italian-American stereotyping. Justin pitches a new bike-cop show called Hart & Dong. He also plays a game of Secret Mexican. Erik is convinced Tequila and Bonetti was trying to create a cast of recurring characters a la The Simpsons and Justin tries to explain why hack screenwriters make poodles the "hot" dog in film and television.