I never realized until a few weeks ago how the over 20 years of abuse  from my parents had shaped my life. How it made me have coping  mechanisms that made me unable to build anything. I’ll be 36 next month  and I have nothing.

It’s been two years since we first exchanged words and it is time that I too get out of my comfort zone and face this. I need to figure out what this is all about.

A few days ago, my shiatsu practitioner, who is also trained in somatic experiencing, asked me to be more aware of my feelings. Especially those related to anger and frustration situations. She was like “Do you get mad?” “Do you express your anger?”.

A few days ago, I had my first session with this new therapist. She diagnosed me with CPTSD. I felt some sort of relief. 

And what about me? What do I want for myself? I want to meet an amazing man and be in a healthy, respectful and loving romantic relationship. I want to make friends, real friends.

I had my third shiatsu treatment two days ago and  my nervous system has been on high alert ever since! My body is aching big time!

I have known you for over 35 years.  You have endured so much. The many bruises that were are still haunting you to this day. You’ve been trying to speak to me for so long. But I wasn’t listening. I am sorry I let you down so many times. 

I’ve been on a healing path for over a decade and little by little I am getting better. Though, sometimes it feels like my body is feeling much worse but then I learn something new about what I should really do and I step into a new direction. Lately, I’ve been focused on regulating my nervous system. 

I am also thinking of looking for a new job. My dream would be to win the lottery, then quit my job, buy a beautiful house and live in total freedom.

A few days ago, I looked up for information on the vagus nerve. I wanted  to find something that would help me relax and soothe my nervous  system. I did find a very interesting video on Sukie Baxter’s YouTube  channel. It’s called Vagus Nerve Reset To Release Trauma Stored In The  Body. I’ve done this exercise every day since I’ve found it and it’s  been extremely helpful.