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@TollytB
I've just been chatting to my neighbour, and he thinks his wife is a kleptomaniac.
"She should take something for it."

@deelomas
My husband just called to say he saw a fox on his way to work. 
I asked him how he knew the fox was on his way to work. 
He hung up on me…

Visual wit from @RookieRedhead
First cartoon
Buddha surrounded by acolytes
Acolytes: what makes us human?
Second cartoon
Buddha to acolytes 
Selecting all images with traffic lights....

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Wednesday 3 July 2024

Tomorrow it will be all over, after six weeks of campaigning leaving the general public weary of political promises and cockups. 

With a burst of relief I begin to record how it all ends, drawing on the wit and wisdom provided by the twitterati, and with a little help from the so called MSN. 
 
@WhoTargetsMe
When labour campaign director Morgan McSweeney concluded that the polling day would come on July 4, some 24 hours before Sunak’s short walk in the rain, he made sure the opposition snapped up the advertising space. He was surprised to learn the Tories hadn’t got their first. Perhaps they were busy in the bookies 

@davidyelland
Rupert Murdoch’s editors are in total chaos, they cannot afford to be on the wrong side of the biggest landslide in Labour history, a total eclipse of The Sun ‘influence’ cannot be contemplated so they have endorsed half-heartedly, there is now utter confusion at The Times….

@alex_house
That is so funny.  Are you going to claim "It was the Sun what won it" again after this late-breaking switch to the other side?

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Wit and Wisdom Early July
Unsurprisingly, this wit and wisdom edition has a political flavour during the run-up to the British general election on July 4. A special general election edition is planned for that date.

@henrywinter
Abbreviated from a long and heart-cry of anguish by a football journalist over England’s last qualifying match at the Euros. 
The heat was on here, and not simply because the temperature nudged 30C. The scrutiny was intense. England passed and passed in the first half, interchanging but going nowhere. Some of England’s triangles had a Bermuda feel. It was so frustrating to witness. England have the players. They’re ranked fifth in the world to Slovenia’s 57th, their fires supposedly lit by all the negative headlines...

@Katy.Jayne101
The thing about Twitter recently is that you can say something very benign such as " I love Pineapple" and a band of people will be up in arms saying " So you hate bananas then."

Donald Trump made reference to Hannibal Lector recently. It provoked some humorous responses.

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A non chess-playing friend of mine often asks me is there a special move that gives white an advantage in chess. I was reminded of this question when it appeared on the Quora website.
Here's how it was answered....

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England v Slovakia. Chess, Politics and Football come together.
Sunday 30 June
5pm kickoff soon.
At last, we are spared football punditry chatter for  the duration of a real football match.
Maybe the last for England in this tournament. 
One last commentator comment
It’s go big or go home.
Time for the first fact
Harry Kane has scored in 13 football stadiums but not this one.
Didn’t mention if he had played in this one.

First blunder. Yellow card for an England defender, and escape the free kick. 
A minute later, another near miss.
England attack, in their excitement clog another player, another yellow card for England.
Only seven minutes. 
England break, chance created, ball balloons over the bar.
Not good.
Another attack. Feeble kick
Slovakia almost score again ...

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Friday 28 June, 2024

The debate was scheduled for 2am British Summer Time. Wisely or not, I started listening , then dragged myself out of bed to watch the debate.

It was slightly surreal viewing. The two protagonists stood behind space-age podiums (podia?). Behind them, a vast vacant area reminding me of a gigantic lecture theatre.

Two interrogators sometimes visible pose carefully crafted questions. I watch with increasing dismay as a car-crash scene unfold.

 I leave my notes unedited to recapture the effect of what I saw.

The structure:  Two minute answers, one minute for rebuttal. This solved one set of problems, but produced  often assertion driven exchanges.

A hour into the debate. 

Concerns about both candidates frailty justified. Trump eventually found a way of not answering the questions asked. 

Biden as hesitant as supporters feared. 

Trump exuding confidence and self obsession as he utters a stream of unverified claims of his greatness...  

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General Election Diary, Weeks 3-4, June 2024

Week 3

Thursday 13 June
The Labour manifesto concentrates on wealth creation. A plan to replace the Lords seems to have been watered down. 
Yet another seven a side debate, but without  two major figures Sunak and Starmer. Penny Mordaunt and Angela Rayner resume hostilities. Rather unenlightening. Stephen Flynn, for the SNP, Daisy Cooper, Lib Dems, Rhun ap Iorwerth - Plaid Cymru
and Carla Denya, the Green Party show glimpses of authenticity beyond preprepared party lines. Nigel Farage offers a replacement for Conservative defectors in the recycled UKIP of the Reform party.

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Royal welcome of Japan’s Emperor and Empress by the King.  Nobody does it better.

25 June 2024. Horse Guards Parade, London

Emperor Naruhito and Empress Masako of Japan have been greeted at Buckingham Palace by King Charles III, Queen Camilla and the Prince of Wales.   The three day visit with all expected pageantry and state banquet has had to be slightly tweeked because of the unpredicted election inconveniently arranged.

The BBC is across the event, and has its Royal correspondents in place well in advance of the heads of state and their consorts. The first introduces the royal event:

“The formal royal greeting is to take at Horse Guards Parade followed by an inspection of the troops before a procession to Buckingham Palace. It’s wonderful here. Sun is shining. Brilliant blue sky. I get so many messages saying 'you Brits do this best.  No one does it like you…' 

“The king is standing in what is very bright sunshine despite the heat, for his first state duty after returning from his illness. In what must be sweltering bearskins, the 1st Battalion Welsh Guards are lined up on the parade ground gravel. Every move has been rehearsed, every step practiced. “

But with a few minutes before the arrival of the king and Queen , the Royal correspondent number one is running out of things to say.
She has an inspiration.

"The royal regalia and tiaras will all on display at the royal banquet at Buckingham Palace this evening", she says. "Princess Anne, will miss all that. She was hit by a horse yesterday."

Then, ad libbing bravely adds 

" Prince William is arriving shortly, with the Emperor and the Empress. Can you guess what event he is missing tonight to attend the state banquet?"
I look of horror on the face of the second correspondent. She is about to confess her ignorance, when the first of the 41 gun salute roars out its greeting...

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Draper beats Alcaraz playing a perfect chess move on the tennis court

Thursday, the 20th of June 2024.

The tournament at Queens club played on grass is the prelude to the Wimbledon Championships every year. Carlos Alcaraz, Wimbledon champion last year, is seeded number one this year at Queens.
He played the newly ranked British number one Jack Draper ina match he was expected to win. Draper continued his recent good form and won a sensational victory in two sets.
At one point of the match, I became aware of a similarity between tennis and chess ...

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This could have been another detective story. But the plot darkens as Murray Clark, a university professor, then switches with five stories left which would have completed his self-imposed task of reading all of the books about Maigret written by George Simenon. 
For mysterious reasons he switches his attention to reading the complete works of Jane Austin.
I set off the discover the explanation to this puzzle and am confronted with a tale which like all good detective stories has an unexpected twist to it...

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