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Lost in translation. Pigs might float.

An apology in The Morning Bulletin, an Australian newssheet, recently ran as follows.

There was an error printed in a story titled “pigs float” which appeared in, The Morning Bulletin, on page 11 of yesterday’s paper. The  story said that more than 30,000 pigs were floating down the Dawson river. What Barrala piggery owner, Sid Everingham actually said was 30 sows and pigs not 30,000 pigs. The morning bulletin would like to apologise for this error which was also re-printed in today’s Rural weekly, CQ, before the mistake was known. 

The story captured my imagination. A little investigation work and I sent the following message to the Morning Bulletin.

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How to be kind to your washing machine. A morality tale

Do you take your washing machine for granted? Pause for answer.
If your answer is yes, this is a message which will save you a great deal of anguish being stored up for you …
If your answer is no, why not send this public service announcement to someone you think would have answered ‘yes’ or ‘I don’t see the point of that question’.

First, a true story of someone who mentioned a problem with his  hi tech machine. He has noticed a leakage onto the floor after every use recently. 

It doesn’t  seem to need any special attention, he said. I use it every week on the same way it was set by the installers. Why change it?
Even for different kinds of load?
No, it works the same whatever I put in. Until recently. When I noticed a puddle of water on the floor after a wash. Been happening ever since.
Anyway,  I found the manual, still in its wrapper, but it’s 96 pages long.. So I did the sensible thing.
You read the manual?
No. I asked some friends. Why read the manual when you got friends who do?
That’s one way, I said. Why bother to read a manual until something goes wrong?
And there my story might have ended happily…

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Wit and Wisdom November 20-26

@Tudortweet
On Nigel Farage’s appearance on IACGMOOH:
I’d like to say I’ve stopped watching IACGMOOH because of the publicity it gives to Nigel Farage.
I can’t, because I’ve never watched to programme, and I claim my long-term Wokeist award.

@BladeoftheS
HS2, a train that travels only 120 miles on Earth, was more expensive than the International Space Station which took 10 years and 15 countries to build.  
In Space.

@john_whitamore
Ceasefire. Four days. Low-trust and fragile. But good news.
Others have taken lengthy threads to make the same point,

@EvLenz
What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A nervous wreck.

@RednorthUK (After news of the chain-saw enthusiast becoming the new President of Argentina)
We've got 18 warships, less than 50 tanks, 4,000 front line soldiers, 100 attack jets and 3 days of ammo. We couldn't retake the Isle of Wight from the Irish, let alone the Falklands from Argentina
@Muinchille
For the avoidance of doubt, Ireland has no territorial ambitions or military presence on the Isle of Wight...

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The heart of darkness. Voyage to the Urmston roundabout.

Our journey is one  I tell of with a warning that it is not for the faint-hearted. Our courageous little chess team set out aware of the dangers we faced. 
The omens were not good. Perhaps I was over influenced my bedside reading of Moby Dick, that masterpiece of a voyage of discovery. But this was reality. We were bound for the dangers of circumnavigating the death trap known as the Urmston roundabout.
Our mission was to face the mighty Urmston chess team for cup glory.

We had prepared ourselves as best we could for the match. When East Cheshire were drawn against Urmston, we feared the worst. And did the worst strike.

First, there was the postponement never fully explained to the East Cheshire Warriors. Then, there were messages from our Captain Tom, asking for volunteers. He himself was unavailable, already diminishing our chances of success. Other strong players had succumbed to recent surgery, family commitments, and in one case, a long-planned visit to see the pyramids of ancient Egypt in all their glory.
As the day of the match approached, Captain Tom’s messages became more urgent.
The evening before, Big Steve, captain of our second team, made a direct appeal to his brave troops to make the ultimate sacrifice and play their second punishing match in two days.
I will answer the call, spoke up Website Edwin. Even that did not help, as he was already down to play.
And so it was, that a depleted team set out in the team luxury coach driven by Lord Jim himself. It was a dark and windy night as I stood on the outskirts of Woodford Garden Village waiting for Jim‘s arrival with the rest of the team.
 I contemplated the last time we took on the Urmston roundabout challenge, when we nearly met our deaths somewhere in its dark heart. The memories were still terrifying. 
The coach eventually arrived from nearby Poynton. I expected it to be full, and to my surprise I found only Badger Bank inside with the driver.
We set off, only interrupted by the particularly irritating voice of the Sat Nav. Big Steve was making his own way by an undisclosed route which avoided the dreaded roundabout. We estimated we would be at worst only one player light. 
One the outward leg of the journey we only skirted the rim of the roundabout, leaving unspoken the terrifying return journey. ‘Turn half left’ the Sat Nav voice instructed us ...

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For new listeners, the wit and wisdom comes from the posts found on the website X sometimes still known by its earlier name Twitter. This episode has its usual mix of political, cultural, and well just amusing posts.

@RishiSunak
Nitrous Oxide, also called laughing gas, is now illegal. Earlier this year I promised to crack down on anti-social behaviour, to create a better future for our children and grandchildren. I’m delivering on that promise.
@PaulTempleman6
Sunak pledges to eliminate laughter as anti-social behaviour.

@EdKrassen
After a major defeat for the GOP and Republicans in Ohio, Rick Santorum seems to blame it on "pure democracy.": “You put things like abortion and marijuana on the ballot and a lot of young people come out to vote. It was a secret sauce for disaster in Ohio. I don’t know what they were thinking but… thank goodness most of the states in this country don’t allow you to put everything  on the ballot because pure democracies are not the way to run a country.”
Republicans don't seem to know how to handle this loss.  

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'How far can I improve my chess?' The question was answered recently by chess coach Jorge Murakami on the discussion site Quora. In essence, he argues that not everyone would be able to reach the ELO 2000 standard rating,

He believes that those who achieve that level, (roughly at the top end of the ratings players in chess clubs around the world) would tend to be above average in the cognitive skills used in chess (spatial visualization, combinatory imagination, memory). These competences are more complex than those measured in standard intelligence tests. High intelligence is arguably a necessary not a sufficient component ...

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Friday 16 November 2023

Politics in Britain this week moved closer to its favourite sport, commentating about the latest football story. The Prime Minister’s sacking of his Home Secretary Suella Braverman reminded me of what might happen after the sacking of a key player on the eve of an important football game.

The timing of the real political sacking may have been calculated to coincide with an imminent court judgement of the legality of her ‘stop the boats’ plans to deal with asylum seekers, arriving across the channel. 

Within hours of her dismissal, Braverman made public her resignation letter to the manager. It was full of noise and fury, signifying her disappointment over the manager’s (sorry, PM’s) competence and honesty in his treatment of her:

 ‘you have manifestly and repeatedly failed to deliver results. Either your distinctive style of government means you are incapable of doing so. Or as I surely must conclude, now, you never had any intention of keeping the promises you gave me’.

The violent tone of her  letter supports a popular theory that she has been setting up her own resignation in order to launch a future bid to become the next leader of the Conservative Party, even by then if the post would be as leader of the opposition party in Parliament.

For me, reality merged into fantasy football. I could see this alternative reality being played out in the sports broadcasting studies ...

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Suella Lagerman and Operation Raging Bull 

Suella Lagerman popped into the war room to encourage her crack military officers in their efforts. General Dunking-Smith threw his commanding officer a smart salute and returned his attention to the large map of the battleground laid out over the trestle table which had been donated by Lord Witherspoon of Coney Hatch. Operation Raging Bull had begun.

On the table, realistic little farm animals donated by a well-known Regent Street toy shop were assembled around the China model of Cenotaph. The map indicated the planned deployment of the Anti-Hate troopers in Operation Raging Bull. 

Across the room, members of the Common Sense Conservatives group were putting the finishing touches to Suella’s Xmas card which read. ‘Spending Christmas in a stable is a life-style choice’.

Standing alongside Dunking-Smith was her Chief Comms  officer,  Miriam Catswhisker, handling the flow of information from active service units around the country. 
‘The Karate Kids are mobilised’ she reported pointing to the little black and white cows on the map. ‘They plan to hijack football coaches at Motorway service stations before proceeding to the Cenotaph. The little brown chickens are the Saxon ultras who are trained cage fighters'.

Dunking-Smith was prodding his phone with a podgy index finger. 
:A message received from code name Jam Jar. He says his crack troops are on their way and are already approaching London’, 
On their way?
A puzzled look appeared on his Commander in Chief’s noble features.  ‘On their way? They should still be avoiding drawing attention to themselves. What’s Jam 
Jar playing at? He’s drawing attention to himself again by arriving early.’
Dunking-Smith flinched at the glare known to addle the brain of anyone coming into direct contact with it. 
Suella had always had suspicions about the loyalty of Jam Jar, leader of the Anglo-Saxon Purity League. His stint in prison had failed as a recruitment plan to his outfit.  But it had given him publicity that in the past had drawn attention away from herself as the President for Life in waiting of the New United Kingdom of Brexonia. Not that she was sure yet about the provisional name suggested by Dunking-Smith. She hadn’t given up completely on Suellaland, but that was a battle for the future. 
He was babbling now, trying to avoid eye contact. Idiot...

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@johnestephens
Just when you thought you'd heard it all....
Boris Johnson asked scientists if you could kill Covid by blowing hairdryer up nose
@Tudortweet
If I’d been asked which politician came up with the question, I’d have said 100% Donald Trump!
@PippaLeuven
Trump: drink disinfectant.
Johnson: blow hairdryer up nose.
Honestly, even a 5 year-old would know better...

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How to Rescue a Hedgehog

My hedgehog sensitivity has deepened since I had a series of evening visits from one during the summer. It made a purposeful trek across the garden always from the same direction, returning equally purposefully a few minutes later. 

I learned how much love there is for hedgehogs, from an extended message on X formerly known as Twitter by @Hedgehog Cabin, a small hospital charity for sick, injured and orphaned wild hedgehogs.

When I called HC to learn more, It became clear I was in danger of holding up other more serious calls so I decided to report in full the advice I had gleaned from Twitter, and the helpline.

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