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Submitted to Twitter by @RCdeWinter, 
 attributed to Jill Thomas Doyle

I’m afraid you may need to play some of the examples more than once to enjoy the delightful humour and grammatical subtleties.

A grammar book walks into a bar

 * A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly. 

 * A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

  * An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

* A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intents and purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

* Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

 * A non sequitur walks into a bar. 
In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

* Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

 * A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud. 

* Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart. 

 * A synonym strolls into a tavern. 

 * At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack. 

 * A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment. 

 * Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor. 

 * A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

 * An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel. 

* The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known. 

* A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph. 

* The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

 * A dyslexic walks into a bra.

 * A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines. 

 * A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert. 

* A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget. 

[An explanation of some of the terms is offered at the end of the podcast].

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Nigel Farage, Coutts, and a tale of biometric mishaps.

Friday 21 July

I am not alone in having a problem with my biometrics. Or, more precisely, the fancy system installed on my National Westminster banking app to protect me from a world crammed with scammers intent on electronic theft.

By one of those coincidences, my irritation with Nat West this week coincided with that of the politician Nigel Farage whose ire was directed at its subsidiary 
Coutts. 

A year or so ago, I finally gave in to the  bank’s  urging for me to make my banking super secure. They had already prevented any harm coming to me from my local branch by closing it down. At the time, I prepared for the trauma of switching to a rival bank, only to find the other local banks had already moved, taking their hole-in-the-wall cash points with them.

My new system is operated through my iPhone. I recently accepted the move to greater security through a biometric system. To set it up, it seemed like an extension of the fingerprint recognition. I took a selfie which once accepted gave me even greater security.

It seems that it analyses multiple parts of my face, including the placement of my eyes and the width of my nose, and combines all these features into a unique code that identifies me. It seems that chances of a random person being able to unlock my phone are one in a million.

Unfortunately, when I needed it urgently this week, the system was so secure it refused to recognise me. The guidance of my selfie image into its frame felt like I was manoeuvring a complex space-docking exercise. When achieved, the instruction was simple. Blink.
I blinked, blinked and blinked again. System said it did not recognise me. After several failures I was deemed a failure. I could try again by logging off and then on again.
I tried different light levels, with similar negative results. If only I still had a local branch of Nat West with a real human to help me. 

Meanwhile, as I mentioned, Nigel Farage was also having a very frustrating time dealing with Coutts, a subsidiary of Nat West.

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Sunday 16 July

My review as the tournament reaches a breathtaking finale.

Wimbledon began with a tweet from Green MP Caroline Lucas objecting to the Tournament’s sponsorship by Barclays Bank, as an exercise in greenwashing. 
As you will hear, it ended with a tweet from Louis Vuitton, for reasons which will eventually become clear.

The first week is fast becoming a faded memory. After traditional gallant performances, British favourites drop out towards the end of the week. After his loss, Andy Murray was dismissed as boring by a non tennis-playing journalist.

@Telegraph
🎾 Andy Murray of Britain waves as he leaves the court after losing his Men's Singles 2nd round match against Stefanos Tsitsipas of Greece at the Wimbledon Championships.

@brokenbottleboy 
Andy Murray was a 9-years-old when a man burst into his school and killed 16 of his schoolmates. He had to hide to survive. He’s now a three-time Grand Slam winner and two-time Wimbledon champion. What’s boring?
@HUncaring
The man, all 36 years of him, has a metal hip, just played an exciting 4 hour and 40 minute saga at #Wimbledon , seems like an all around decent person, but yeah, God forbid Andy Murray has opinions because Julie Burchill prefers her athletes when they’re mindless alcoholics.

Liam Broady was the last Brit in the men’s singles, before going down. Liam 
won fans for ferocious hitting and dry Manchester (OK, Stockport) humour
@Liambroady
My family and I had a sunflower contest during covid. Every day for 4weeks I went out into the garden and talked shit to their pots. Then I’d tell my one I loved it and would play it classical music. Mine was literally the only one that didn’t grow. I can confirm this is bogus.

Other trending stories included the variable performance of the commentators. The BBC with widest coverage also had the greatest variation in approval ratings.
@PaddyBriggs
Andrew Castle getting the most criticism of a Wimbledon commentator since Jospeh Goebbels was rude about Fred Perry in 1936
@Tudortweet
It’s been a bad week for the BBC. Just want to say its Wimbledon coverage has been great. I only had to mute two commentators this year. No guesses, please …

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BBC news over the last 24 hours seems to be in a state of shock, in which rational decision-making has disappeared. It reminds me of the communication confusion I personally experienced at the time of the soviet invasion in Czechoslovakia, in August 1968.

The current confusion was triggered a week ago by  an article in the Sun newspaper. The article had been in typical Sun hyperbolic style, announcing  that an unnamed BBC personality had payed tens  of thousands of pounds for explicit images, starting when the recipient was aged 17. The article was justified as being in support of the family of the abused teenager, with implications of criminality by the BBC presenter, and its suppression by the BBC ...

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I have mithered too long. Yesterday, I passed the very shop from which I bought my once and only favourite pair, so many years ago. Something stopped me entering. Cowardice? Maybe. A feeling of apprehension, certainly. No time in a busy schedule? Not really.
I hurried past to the nearby car park and home.

An email awaited me from Geraint ap Wrecsam, commenting on my earlier lament for trousers past. He shared my pain.

Thanks for inviting me to assist with your undoubtedly tricky issue. I know exactly how you feel.  Parting with favourite items of clothing (among other things!) is often very difficult.  I actually have a huge amount of 'stuff' hanging around.  Indeed only this last few years, I have pondered how to bid farewell to my trusty fleece - been around since 2012!  It IS like losing an old friend. I even postponed the inevitable when the zipper broke a few months back.  I went to the repair shop in the Trafford Centre and they very kindly relieved me of £30 to replace it (the zipper I mean) !  Bearing in mind the jacket is a Sprayway 'Windstopper' I was doubtful the new zip would really 'cut it'!  As it turns out, it kind of doesn't but the parting feels too painful to bear.
One idea that sprang to mind was to procure a life-sized tailors dummy. It would have, of course, to be the spitting image of yourself so that you can settle peacefully in a corner with your new friend standing woodenly beside you enjoying watching you play chess.
My flagging spirits were lifted.  Yes, I will face my fears, at the earliest moment. 

I return to the shop, I note with some apprehension the models displayed in the window, first because they are on offer for knock-down prices from £90 upward. Secondly, because they all seem designed for long-legged youthful wearers, to be paraded at some trendy night club ...

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Thursday 6 July 2023.

Possibly a momentous day for social media. Elon Musk’s new plaything Twitter lurches from sick into to intensive care.  Mark Zuckerberg launches a rival platform Threads as part of his futuristic and gigantic global operation Meta Platforms Inc, (Meta for short). Meta sprang into life in 2021. It did do, according to its PR as a reaction to

‘the company's shifting long-term focus of building the Metaverse, a digital extension of the physical world by social media, virtual reality and augmented reality features’. 

The rebranding was to integrate the sprawling and expanding  Zuckerberg empire, earlier known by the name of its product, Facebook. 

To add insult to marketing injury, even the name Threads is an aspect of Twitter which has recently found favour as a way of getting around the tweet character-limit by adding tweet after tweet producing a long thread. This even has its own emoji, a little cotton reel (ask your parents it this doesn’t make sense to you).

But I digress. I attempt to sign up to Threads, learning that 10 million or so others have already done so, in the first two hours after its launch.  

An immediate snag. Those pioneers are already users of Meta’s Instagram platform. I am not an Instagram subscriber.  I postpone my entry into this bit of Zuckerberg‘s  Metaverse, and thus my admission to its new offering, Threads ...

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I have a pair of favoured trousers. They are brown corduroy, accidentally matching my favourite slip-on brown shoes.

 I vaguely remember buying the trousers some years ago, and then having the length of their legs reduced to meet my personal requirements. 
I noted recently that the cords they have become increasingly faded around the knees and seams. 

They have received brutal treatment,  partly because of frequent washing, necessitated after excessive stains (yoghurt, and Magnum ice cream mishaps most common).
Sadly, a time is approaching when they will be have relegated to lower status, as replacements are obtained.

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Wimbldonitis is a temporary  condition afflicting people as we approach the British Grand Slam of tennis, held at its fabled home of Wimbledon.

Curiously, the illness does not affect ordinary club players throughout the county. The majority of these are completely immune, continuing with their regular social games, perhaps watching the highlight programmes on the BBC  in the evenings. And, yes, I am among that majority, although I have thoroughly enjoyed my infrequent visits to Wimbledon over the years.

Those most seriously afficted seem to be celebrities who have been granted admission to the Royal Box, and whose appearance is often part of the television commentary. Sir Cliff Richard is particularly noticeable among them, and holds the title for most appearances there. 

In return, he offers some of his endearing musical performances as  play is held up by rain. These impromptu efforts have become less frequent as Sir Cliff has been dealing with other personal issues.  Also because Wimbledon hit on the idea of putting a cover of the Centre Court where the most important matches are played, reducing rain delays to the top matches.

A few social scientists have studied Wimbledonitis, and identified several features of a condition that has mostly been ignored clinically ...

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Part 1. A nostalgic train journey

I leave my retirement home in Woodford Garden village and take a rumbling suburban train into the metropolis of Manchester. I am in search of times gone by. In particular, I want to find out what happened to a place where I spent a large proportion of my working life ...

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June 2023

A trend I’ve noticed in twitter, this month. The has been a dramatic rise on the use of threads, multiple tweets creatively escaping the word limit. This seems to be changing the spirit of Twitter, but possibly for the better.

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