TV Cream

And we're back in the room! Be afraid, be very afraid. On the Internet, no one can hear you scream. Anyway, come over to the other side with Chris, Craig and Jack down in the Valley for Spieleydrawer's seminal horror bobbins from 1982: POLTERGEIST. It's got everything! Impressions, bottles of ginger, ethnic misunderstanding, swearing about old shops and the triumphant return of Grant Brady: Hair Like a Lady. Kick it on after the ident and 'enjoy.'

SPOILERS: Jack's Stone Roses impression is rubbish

THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED 'A'

CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) REVERSE FAQ:

1) US telly (NTSC) had 525 lines, proper telly (PAL over here) had 625

2) E Buzz (the name, not the dog) came from Saturday Night Live. Which probably means it wasn't funny.

3) The other E.T. crossover is that Drew Barrymore auditioned for this and as a result got the gig in E.T.

4) Both her and Heather O'Rourke (spoilers!) are buried in the same cemetery

5) He also has a poster for something called Super Bowl XXIII which wouldn't take place for several years later. No one cares. He has an Atari too. In 1982!

6) A Guy Named Joe, 1943

7) 'Reagan: The Man, The Cunt' is available from Jonathan Cape

8) The clown doll is in Planet Hollywood in Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas. Also horrific.

9) I have now. It's ace.

10) We did. Coming soon.

11) Yep.

12) Love it so much got the name wrong: it's James Lipton.

13) Bouillon de Culture. For fuck's sake. It ran for ten years. Hence Brexit.

14) That's Gene Shalit. Book and film critic for the Today Show from 1970 to 2010. And...he's still alive! Aged 90 and still being ace in NYC.

15) "Eet ees an event sociologique!" Hence Brexit.

16) And based on chat in the film, she had her first kid at 16. Oh aye.

17) From 1989.

18) Spielberg was scared shitless as a kid by clowns and a tree that was outside his house. But he DID NOT DIRECT THIS FILM. Ahem.

19) The house is in Simi Valley California, it's not missing and is still there and in fact, it says here, the same family still live there (not the Freelings.)

20) That is probably bollocks (hard to believe) but James Cameron and Peter Jackson prefer the term "extended edition" or "special edition." Or especially in Cameron's case for his latter efforts: "shit version."

21) It lost to E.T.

22) Although remember it took some time after the US release for it to hit theatres in Britain. Those were the days, kids.

23) 'A Growl and a Shout' is available from Hodder & Stoughton.

24) By this logic, the house would have to disappear into an empty plot behind it.

25) 5 minutes and 2 seconds. Still a record. Hence Brexit.

26) This was the last scene to be filmed. Whatever that matters.

27) Brian Gibson. But he had nowt to do with this one. The cinematographer for this was Matthew F Leonetti.

28) The great James Karen.

29) Cohagen WILL return.

30) August 5th, 1981 (we recorded this ages ago.)

31) He did say 'well' a lot.

32) He sure is. 87, folks.

33) From 1989. She does have other credits, including several episodes of the epic Santa Barbara.

34) We went. And we saw her. Oh my.

35) Carl Weathers didn't turn up

36) Unfortunately there isn't going to be another one because this one didn't make 'enough' money. Schmucks.

37) Though it's worth noting the only character who dies is the Tweety the canary.

38) 11 months to the day: 12th October, limited scope anniversary fans.

39) Apparently, this was the only scene Heather O'Rourke got scared during the filming of.

40) I checked. It's there in the credits of my VHS copy

CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) COMMENTARIES will return with more spookiness ... in parts!

In the spring of 2016, TV Cream sat down with Johnny Ball to talk about his 50-year career in show business. 

In this one-off podcast Johnny Ball really does reveal all. Such as...

How Bob Monkhouse took umbrage when he thought Johnny was stealing his gags; how Johnny's big break on The Val Doonican Show went spectacularly wrong; why he originally balked at the idea of presenting Play School; how a dreadful experience on Yorkshire TV spawned the creation of Think of a Number; the reason why the scene dock doors in BBC Bristol have a chunk cut out of them; why Play Away became a more lucrative writing gig than anything the LE department had to offer; Johnny's ill-fated sojourn to Central Television; and - and! - what went wrong on The Terry & Gaby show!

It's the last in our triple-pack of summer holiday fillers (think of this undertaking as a kind of 8:15 From Manchester). And the set-up couldn't be simpler! Two fat-necked residents of 'TVC Towers' come together to discuss two TV programmes. But neither knows what show the other is about to make them watch! OMG!

This week's episode includes: A Willo the Wisp frieze and a big platter of salmon.

The second of three podcasts from TV Cream to brighten summer holiday mornings. As before, two 'great friends' from TVC convene to discuss a couple of TV shows that they just watched. But which? Neither knows what programme the other is about to air...

This week's episode includes: Habitat self-assembly shelving and a man having his hair cut at home.

A new three-part summer holiday filler from TV Cream! In this endeavour, two TVC pals sit down to talk about two shows... which they've just watched. However, the high concept here is that neither person knows what programme the other is about to show them.

This week's episode includes: A mounted stick-mic and un-replumped cushions on a banquette.

CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) COMMENTARIES dives back 25 years to Kinnock's Britain with the searing indictment of casual suits that is Bleasdale's seminal G.B.H. It's just the last episode though, so listen carefully as Chris, Craig and Jack struggle manfully to remember what goes on around that scene where Bill Webster batters folk. Turn it on as the titles kick in and sing along to Jesus Wants Me for a Talbot Sunbeam. 

THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED 'A'

CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) COMMENTARIES will return with an adventure born in space

CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) COMMENTARIES is back! Back! BACK! And it's about

fucking time too. Join Chris, Craig and Jack in an adventure in

Rosemary and Thyme (or Bramwell) as they pick over the DOCTOR WHO TV

MOVIE from 1996 - on the very anniversary of its UK transmission - in

fine style stopping off to hear from commentary regulars Father Lionel

Fanthorpe, Michael Caine and Bob Mills (or Keith Richards) with special

guest references to Patsy Byrne and Len Kabasinski: together at last!

It's the DVD version that kicks in straight off the bat. So press play

from the off and enjoy some barely relevant chat that is at least half

human.

THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED 'R'

SPOILERS: He isn't

CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) REVERSE FAQ

1) 14th May, 1996

2)

He's been in lots of stuff, all of it shit. Except late period Brush

Strokes when it got miserable and an episode of Boon which was always

great

3) We preferred Dr Quim

4) Just over 9m

5) Southend, as it goes

6) He's a Canadian comedian. Quite successful, surprisingly. We imagine he shouts a lot

7) It was indeed simply called 'John Sessions' from 1990

8) It was Patsy Byrne!

9) Couple of other TV movies; Catherine the Great and The One that Got Away

10) Diana Weston

11) Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose from 1995

12)

Luis Silverado. It also featured Richard 'don't mention the dog' Todd,

John 'Q' Bluthal, Enn 'de Bargos' Reitel, Hywel 'Tarr' Bennett, Paddie

'Alfred Marks' O'Neill, Helen 'Naked Video' Lederer, Ron 'Pod's dad'

Donachie, A Taste of Dora Bryan, Judi Spiers, Bernard 'sandwich'

Bresslaw and a further constellation of stars no one but we remember

13) Vortex is a very thick bleach

CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) COMMENTARIES will return with a day of the great British holiday.

Run for the hills! No, it's not a callback to Grant Brady 'hair like a

lady'; it's the second part of the Creamguide(Films) disaster film

commentary double as the team suffer through Roland Emmerich shitfest

2012 so you don't have to! But if you really want to, join Chris, Craig

and - always third - Jack as they try to find something to talk about as

the awful spectacle unfolds in the background. Turn on the commentary

as the idents kick in and feel the desperation as the panel talk about

almost any other film they can think of while wishing they were watching

Earthquake.

THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED 'R'

CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) COMMENTARIES will return with an anniversary battering.

Creamguide(Films) rockets (!) back...to the future! with the very singularity of puzzlingly shit disaster epics: 1998's DEEP IMPACT.

Help Craig and Jack talk Chris down from a towering inferno of bafflement that has spanned two decades while they mix up Michael Biehn and Jurgen Prochnow and argue over the jelly tots on empire biscuits. There's swearing, comedy fart noises and sheer rage in a film whose ineptitude is so big only the biggest of the big screens can do it justice.

THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED 'R'

CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) COMMENTARIES will return with a timely CATASTROPHE!

Grab your giant carrot and take to the TISWAS stage as Chris, Craig, Jack and the Easter bonnet herself Rose sit trembling at the sheer unadulterated horror that is the rabbit version of Passchendaele: WATERSHIP DOWN from 1978. Thrill to the sounds of the Barry Manilow beat as the bunnies rip each other to pieces. And a Happy Easter! 

THIS COMMENTARY IS RATED 'R'

CREAMGUIDE(FILMS) COMMENTARIES will return with a vision of DISASTER!