Uncategorized Archives - Natty Bumpercar

Natty Bumpercar is hot. Dangerously, hilariously, brain-meltingly hot. In this week’s solo episode, he recounts a sweltering summer day that included a movie theater lobby hack, a spontaneous sprinkler shower, and flyers that literally melted together — all while pondering the deeply mysterious origins of the word “lavatory.”

The post Lavoratory appeared first on Natty Bumpercar.

Things go gloriously off the rails at Bumpercar HQ as Natty and the Producer debate the new intro music, abandon the studio for phone calls, and somehow end up deep in the etymology of guinea pigs — all before learning that Rufus T. Rufus has fallen into a well with surprisingly good cell service and zero jellybeans.

The post Jellybean appeared first on Natty Bumpercar.

In this meta episode, the Bumperpodcast team makes a shocking discovery: they’ve been recording episodes for months, but none of them have been published! Join Natty Bumpercar, Aloysious J. Pig, Rufus T. Rufus, and Producer as they try to figure out what went wrong.

Natty Bumpercar: So the exciting thing to me was when I found out that I, oh, we were, oh, yeah, this is wonderful. We're recording. We're recording. Yeah. Yeah. It's fine. It's working. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Craziest thing, bumper pod casketeers. We just found out we've been recording episodes for months now and just, I don't know, sending them into space, nothing, nothing, there's been no episodes, but we didn't realize that because no one, no one told us we've been making these episodes and then we've been uploading these episodes and then, and then, and then there's no, there's no episodes.

Producer: And I, um, I mean, I, I did notice in my, uh, feed, uh, that we would not, that I was, that I was not seeing new bumper podcast episodes coming in and, uh, but I, I was, uh, I was, I was just, I was kind of okay with it. So I didn't mention, I didn't say anything, but I figured, I just figured you guys all knew it.

Natty Bumpercar: But, uh, well, why would you think you were here when we were recording things? So you knew that we were trying to make new episodes, that we weren't making new episodes, but they weren't going anywhere. Why would you, did you not think like, all right, so you're, you see on you, you look on your podcast thing and you see that there's no new episodes coming in, but you know that we've been in the studio making episodes. So I don't understand why you wouldn't go like, huh, that's strange. Why am I not seeing these new episodes that we're recording?

Producer: I'm just intrigued because I, I didn't know, are we on some sort of podcast platform? Is there some place I should be subscribing or, or something like that? This is news to me.

Natty Bumpercar: How can this be news to you? It's like a thousand episodes that we've been doing for a thousand years, one episode per year. And, uh, what did, did you think we were just recording and, and what did you, where did you, did you assume that these episodes were, were, were going?

Producer: I, you know, I guess I never put a ton of thought into it. I just kind of thought it was a bunch of, you know, pals hanging out at headquarters here in Coffee Can Alley and we're all, you know, jibber jabbering and making, talking funny stuff.

Natty Bumpercar: And honestly, I'm, so the stuff that we've been recording, quote unquote recording, people, we send it out to people and it goes onto their devices and I feel like we have a lot of apologies to be doing. I'm flabbergasted just like you, Aloysius. I, uh, producer, I, what did you, so you just thought we were all sitting around with microphones and, and headphones on and, and recording and that we've, we've been, I don't understand. You thought this was just a bunch of pals hanging out with all the shenanigans and all the ridiculousness? You're the producer. You're the one who's supposed to put the episodes up on the, the, the place, the clouds, the, wherever the episodes go. And you didn't even know we were actually making a podcast?

Rufus T. Rufus: Now, now let me jump in here for just a second. It's uh, hello everybody. It's me Rufus, T. Rufus. Uh, now I, now I didn't notice nothing about no episodes cause I don't understand how none of that work. But what I did notice was that the, the, the automatic, uh, deposit, auto deposit into my account had stopped. And what that meant was, you know, normally every time we record an episode, I think I get 70, uh, three, 75, 77 cents, 77 cents per episode, uh, which, you know, is adding up. People say, well, you only 77 cents. That's not a lot of money. And I say, you know, Rufus, you're a lawyer. You can do even better. And I say, now, hold on a second. You realize that when you take that 77 cents and you stop multiplying it by all of the episodes that we have recorded that I've not even that I've even been on, I get paid for episodes. I'm not even on some, I got almost, almost, I almost have . Okay. People say, Hey, you, what are you going to make money doing this podcast? And I say, now, hold on a second. I made 77 times 470, whatever it is. Now I can't particularly multiply sevens. Seven is times eight. That's that's a mystery. No one's ever going to solve. I know seven times seven is going to be 49. That was easy. Seven times nine is going to be 63. So seven times eight is somewhere in between somewhere in the middle of 49 and whatever I just said. And so I don't expect me to be on the nose with the calculations, but if 470 something times 77, that's how much money that I've, I've, I've, I've had in the bank currently, but then it all stopped. I looked at my bank every single day and I even, I would call Cheryl done at the bank and I'd say, not not Cheryl. This is Rufus T and she stopped me and she'd say, don't even finish it. I know exactly who you are and I know exactly why you're calling. And I would say, Oh, Cheryl, don't be like that. You know? And cause I used to go down to the bank and I would, uh, you know, chit and chat with everybody, but the world's so fast these days and I don't have time to go to the bank and you know, uh, and say, Hey Cheryl, um, how, how was everything at home? You know, talk to people. Hey, I don't know anybody else's name. I just know Cheryl cause she has a little plate in front of her. So I can see, you know, it's like association. I walk in, I see the name tag plate right there, Cheryl. And then I look at her and I see your face. Now one time it was somebody else who was in Cheryl's booth in her seat, which I found out isn't actually even her booth or her seat. Now the way I thought it was like, uh, a barbershop where, you know, it's like, this is my chair. Nobody's going to touch my clippers. No, you know, but, uh, share it now at the bank, just like at the grocery store. I thought that was your aisle, you know, and nobody touches my eyes. This is Cheryl's seat, Cheryl's booth. And this is where, you know, but I walked in one day, said, Cheryl, same spot. It was some, some gentlemen wearing a three piece suit at the bank. And I'll tell you what, I looked him up and I looked him down and I said, ain't no way. I got to give my money to, you know, to this person. I don't even know who it is. Certainly not Cheryl. I'll tell you what, almost, almost took all my money out of the bank, but they said, no, you know, in order to withdraw all your money, you have to hit a minimum. And I guess I 50, I haven't hit the minimum to be able to take the money out. So, uh, you know, I'm stuck with them and they're stuck with me, but, uh, I'm just glad that Cheryl, she was on vacation or some lunch or I don't, you know, I don't really know where she was. I never found out. I forgot to ask her when the next time I went in, huh? Anyway, what were we talking about?

Natty Bumpercar: I have no idea. I, I don't, I really, after all that, whatever he was talking about, I have, I don't remember anything that came before that. That was like before Rufus was talking. So B R W T B R W T before Rufus was talking. I got to get a, I got to get a thing on this mic. It makes it pop before Rufus was talking and then AR WT. Yeah. Before Rufus was talking and after Rufus was talking. And, uh, in between the Twix, the two can have a beat. Um, I did, you were saying 77 cents. It's not bad. Well, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta work on my contract. I gotta get, I gotta get more cash. Okay. So no. Uh, also Rufus, I think that that 77, you don't, there's no 77 cents per episode. That's ridiculous. Um, I think that that 77 cents that you're seeing every so often when you go to the bank is some sort of like interest, which I don't really know how that works either. Uh, so there's, there's money. And then every so often it multiplies, which I don't know how money does that. I don't know why, why money would do that. It seems like a great thing for money to do. I would have to have any to see this magical experience, but yeah. Uh, also I did get a call from the bank. Um, they are, they, you can't go back in Cheryl. You, you just, you know, she just doesn't want to talk to you. And you know, like during the pandemic, a lot of people were like, Oh, I don't have to go out. I can do, you know, if I do go out, I'm gonna do self checkout. I'm going to do a, you know, whatever, order food online. It gets dropped off at my house.

Producer: I'm going to, you know, just don't want to hang around with people. This, you know, I'm, I'm nervous talking to people. And, uh, a lot of, you know, the employees, they're like, Oh, so it's better to have people in so we can actually, you know, interact with them. And, uh, you ruin that for Cheryl. So she, she's like, no more, no more coming in. I don't want to hear about hats. Evidently you talk about hats a lot. Um, yeah. So just if, if you want, if you have questions for the bank, you can just give them to me and I can, I can take them in, but, but more importantly, and I do remember pig, we were talking about, uh, producer, not knowing that this was an actual podcast 15 years in or something, hundreds of episodes that he's the producer of, and, uh, I, I'm, I'm still flummoxed by that. I don't understand the flummoxed part. You know, I thought we all were making believe, you know, like we're doing, we're doing improv, we're doing yes. And it's like, okay, we're doing a long form Harold improv of, uh, okay. You're in a headquarters. Okay. And you're a group of people with a frog and a pig and a man and a lawyer person and other random people. Okay. Yes. And, and you're making a podcast, you know, and, and that's what I kind of thought that that's what we were doing. I thought it was all ephemeral. It's the kind of art that you make and it just automatically disappears into the universe. And I, uh, now it's finding out kind of that that is not exactly what we were, we were doing that even a little bit.

Natty Bumpercar: No, no, that's not what we were doing. I mean, it is an improvised podcast. That's why we remember we, we went to, uh, we went to Florida and we spoke at a conference and then we died essentially. That was in June. No, now is June. That was in January that we went to Florida, spoke at a conference. We were like, this is a high point. This is great. Look at the bumper podcast. We're really doing great things. And then immediately to be struck down with the flu and then pneumonia and then the hospital and then shingles. It, I've been broken so that's why I haven't been on top of, uh, all these episodes that have ever been evidently been recorded and now I don't even know where they are. So that's the mystery that I have to solve now. Where are the last several months of episodes that have not been going into the feed? I am thrilled that things could go so smoothly and now that I get to figure this out.

Rufus T. Rufus: You know what else you should figure out is how to hire a new producer. Cause this guy ain't got it.

Announcer/Network Voice: The bumper podcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp with Natty bumper car and some of his pals. It is family friendly, clean, and ridiculous. Thanks a bundle for listening. If you love our show and you'd like to help support the podcast, check out our Patreon page at https://www.patreon.com forward slash Natty bumper car. Also pretty please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, share it with everyone everywhere, post about it on all of the social medias or leave a rating and review. The bumper podcast is produced at headquarters in coffee can alley. It's recorded, mixed and produced by producer. The bumper podcast features contributions from Aloysius J. Pig, Rufus T. Rufus, doodle poodle, robot trunks, and a gaggle of other silly rascals. Our head talker is probably Natty bumper car. We also have an absurd newsletter. Check it out and subscribe at Natty bumper car.com slash subscribe. Also, you can follow me on Instagram and Twitter at Natty bumper car. Hugs and hearts. See you soon.

The post Bumperpodcast #475 – Season 3 – Podcast appeared first on Natty Bumpercar.

“Telephone” is a hilarious episode from the Bumperpodcast, an improvised comedy podcast set in the quirky town of Coffee-Can Alley. In this episode, Natty Bumpercar, Rufus T. Rufus, Producer, and Aloysius J. Pig find themselves grappling with the boredom and restlessness that comes with not being able to produce their beloved podcast. As they navigate their way through this newfound void, their comedic chemistry and improvisational skills shine through.

The gang’s attempts to fill the podcast-shaped hole in their lives lead them down a rabbit hole of hilarious and unpredictable scenarios. From off-the-wall conversations to spontaneous antics, “Telephone” showcases the cast’s knack for finding humor in even the most mundane situations. As they strive to overcome the boredom, the gang’s witty banter and infectious laughter will keep you entertained and laughing along.

“Telephone” is a testament to the Bumperpodcast’s ability to bring laughter and entertainment through the art of improvisation. The episode highlights the camaraderie and comedic genius of the cast, reminding listeners of the joy that comes from shared laughter, even in the face of monotony. So sit back, relax, and join Natty Bumpercar and the gang as they navigate the comedic challenges of their podcasting hiatus in Coffee-Can Alley.

You should send us an email to [email protected]. We’re here and we’re listening!

Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!! Also, The Bumperpodcast can now be found on the https://non-productive.com/ network. Yay!!!! Also, also, we have a Patreon page now!!! https://www.patreon.com/nattybumpercar

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“Since we don’t have a podcast anymore, I miss electronics and audio, so I just hang out here on the telephone line. I switch boards sometimes.”

“Without the podcast, I’m not as nervous. It’s not like pressure on me all the time. I’ve been designing and making these hanging baskets for plants.”

“I feel bad for all the bumperpodcasteers who are out there just wondering waiting to hear what’s going on here at headquarters.”

Natty Bumpercar: Am I bored I do not know and if I was would I say so Even feeling sometimes like leaving but then I'd be late to the Oh! Well! We're getting a telephone call! That's exciting! Okay, okay, fine. Hello? Who is this? This is Nattie, this is Nattie Bumper Car and hello?

Aloysious J. Pig: Is this seriously how you answer the telephone? Like, it was very wishy-washy. Hello? Hey, Nattie, this is Aloysius.

Natty Bumpercar: Hey, Pig!

Aloysious J. Pig: J-Pig, obviously. Checking in on you.

Natty Bumpercar: Checking in.

Aloysious J. Pig: Haven't heard from you in a long time.

Natty Bumpercar: Well, you know, I've been kind of bored and I've just been sitting here and since we don't have a podcast anymore I really don't know what to do with myself and I, um, what's that thing?

Aloysious J. Pig: I don't know.

Natty Bumpercar: I don't know.

Aloysious J. Pig: I don't know.

Natty Bumpercar: I don't know.

Aloysious J. Pig: I don't know.

Natty Bumpercar: I don't know.

Aloysious J. Pig: I don't know.

Natty Bumpercar: I don't know.

Aloysious J. Pig: I don't know.

Natty Bumpercar: I don't know.

Aloysious J. Pig: I don't know.

Natty Bumpercar: I don't know.

Aloysious J. Pig: I don't know.

Natty Bumpercar: I don't know. What is that ping?

Aloysious J. Pig: I don't know.

Natty Bumpercar: I don't know anything anymore. I really don't know what to do with myself. And I, um, what's that? Pig? Are you, hey, Pig, are you dialing? What are you doing? Can you stop? What's happening right now?

Aloysious J. Pig: It ain't, I don't know, it ain't me, I'm not doing it. No, I'm just calling.

Robot: The number you have reached is not in service.

Natty Bumpercar: No! Rufus?

Aloysious J. Pig: It sounds like the number ain't in service anymore.

Robot: Don't try to call again.

Natty Bumpercar: Hey, Rufus!

Robot: This is a recording.

Rufus T. Rufus: That's the last number I had for a moment.

Natty Bumpercar: Rufus, I'm on the phone with Pig right now.

Aloysious J. Pig: Who's he trying to call?

Natty Bumpercar: Rufus!

Rufus T. Rufus: Seven.

Natty Bumpercar: All right. Rufus.

Rufus T. Rufus: I'm just trying to. Hi. Hello?

Robot: Sorry, this line is occupied.

Natty Bumpercar: No, yeah, it's occupied by Pig and I. We've been on the phone for a little bit, and you just hopped in and started trying to call people.

Rufus T. Rufus: No, that couldn't be further from the truth, Neddy. Uh, I, I, I picked up the phone, didn't hear anyone, and I started, you know, I was dialing, and I was trying to, uh.

Natty Bumpercar: No, no, we were clearly here.

Aloysious J. Pig: We were having, I called to talk to Bumper Car, cause I hadn't heard from him in a long while. And then you all of a sudden just appear, you know, beep, bop, boop, boop, boop, and then it was, uh, disconnected.

Rufus T. Rufus: Now, what are you, you're listening in on my phone calls now, Neddy? This has gone too far as a, as a, as a lawyer, you should understand that you are breaking some very serious laws by, by, by listening to me on, on the telephone. How are the wires tapped here? How did you know that I was even on the phone?

Natty Bumpercar: So again, we were on the phone and then we were talking. Pig called me.

Rufus T. Rufus: You must not have heard the ring.

Natty Bumpercar: And then you picked up and started dialing.

Rufus T. Rufus: Who are you calling anyway?

Producer: Uh, hello there, Neddy. It's, uh, it's me, normally producer, but since we don't have a podcast anymore, it's just like, really, I miss electronics and I miss, uh, audio. And so I just kind of hang out here on the telephone line. You know, I switch board. Sometimes I, I say, Oh, who would you like to call? And then I, I take care of it. So, uh, my apologies, Mr. Rufus, I should have, I think I could have fixed it. I'm sorry.

Natty Bumpercar: You just hang out on the phones? Like, wait. So does that mean you're just, how does, huh? How do you know? Why are you listening? Are you listening? Like, what are you doing?

Rufus T. Rufus: Now, Mr. Frog producer, as your legal representation, I would like to bring you into my fold. Uh, the bill will be forthcoming of course. And I'm just going to go ahead and say, you don't have to answer any questions that this man or any person asks you about this particular or any situation that makes you uncomfortable. Okay.

Producer: I'm sorry that I, I don't know what's going on. I was just calling to check in on you. I guess I could have just walked over to your room, but really now I'm glad I didn't do that because then this would all be happening, I guess, in person and I'm not here for it. Um, I'm going to probably go, but, uh, yeah.

Natty Bumpercar: What's the situation with the podcast?

Producer: You know, this, this actually feels like a podcast to me is because we're all here on the telephone talking and, uh, you know, just reminds me of the old days.

Rufus T. Rufus: No.

Producer: From a long time ago.

Natty Bumpercar: From a long time ago. Really? So like a month ago when that dude broke in and stole all of our equipment, that, that's a long time ago.

Producer: You know, it's all perspective, uh, Natty. It's all how you look at situations. So for instance, you know, if I'm, let's say I'm a mountain and in like a million years is a long time. Right. But then let's look and say that I'm.

Rufus T. Rufus: A frog.

Producer: I'm a frog.

Rufus T. Rufus: Yes.

Producer: I am a frog.

Rufus T. Rufus: Okay.

Producer: That scenario works.

Rufus T. Rufus: Perfect.

Producer: Yeah. So, so let's, you know, I'm a tadpole. Right. But then very quickly I get little legs so I can swim around and that happens very quickly. So it's all in the perspective of how you look at the time and the thing.

Rufus T. Rufus: I don't, I don't know what, I don't know what he's talking about Natty. I think this time away from the podcast has not done good things for, uh, Mr. Frog, Frog producer there. We might need to get him some sort of a hobby, an activity. Maybe crocheting.

Natty Bumpercar: Oh, that might be nice.

Rufus T. Rufus: Some sort of sticker collecting. Is that a thing that people do?

Natty Bumpercar: I think people, I mean, people collect stamps. I don't, I don't know if people collect stickers. Um, but I, I, yeah, I'm sure people do because people have like sticker books where they, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. But producer, you, you do sound very. Yeah. You sound very calm in a way. Very like you're thinking about things.

Producer: Well, without the podcast. I don't know.

Natty Bumpercar: What, what's going on? Yeah. Well, so, okay.

Producer: Without the podcast, way heavy on my, um, uh, my, my, I'm not as nervous, you know, it's not like pressure on me all the time. And so I have, I don't, I don't do crochet, but I do enjoy the macrame, which is similar but different. And, um, I, I've been designing and making these, um, hanging baskets for plants. So it's, you know, it's thinking of starting an Etsy for myself, uh, producer, plant, plants produce. I don't know. We're going to come up with a name probably, but yeah, I've got a lot of time on my hands.

Natty Bumpercar: Yeah.

Rufus T. Rufus: I also have a lot of time on my hands. I thought I hung up a few minutes ago, but I'm evidently, I'm still here. Uh, Natty, it's, we're getting into the summer. Uh, the summer, you know, so I don't know what your plans are, but I'm thinking we need to probably, we don't have a lot of direction right now. And I'm thinking that we need to get together and figure this situation out. Is that something that we can do?

Natty Bumpercar: I totally agree. Um, it's, we're getting into summer and honest. I have a lot of shows coming up.

Rufus T. Rufus: Well, look at you, mister. I have a lot of shows. I haven't seen any contracts in those shows. Are they even legitimate or not? I need to know. All right. I need to understand the financing. I need to know who's behind it. Yeah. I need to know the organization and the represent, representations. I got stuck on that word. Wait. Okay. Are you okay? That was.

Producer: Are you okay? Natty?

Rufus T. Rufus: You made me cough. Somebody, you go get a glass of water and we'll, I'm just going to, I will take over here on the microphone.

Producer: So it is a big time here in the summer and I am. Yeah. Going to. Frog producer. Mackler, Mackler May. I'm not good for this. Somebody else talk. I give up.

Aloysious J. Pig: There's a reason you're kind of a behind the board kind of frog. You know, you like to run the, the knobs and the, uh, the sound and everything. Uh, yeah. I, this isn't, you're not really cut out for it for the microphone talk. Cause like for me, for instance, uh, somebody, uh, give me a suggestion, some sort of suggestion. Uh, an umbrella, an umbrella. Oh, okay. I heard umbrella. Now give me a, a location where let's say it would be strange for an umbrella to be. All right.

Producer: They, they, Mackler, Mackler May class.

Aloysious J. Pig: Hmm. That's a, that's a terrible suggestion.

Natty Bumpercar: I'm back. Sorry about the coughing. Um, what are we doing right now? What is, what is happening right now?

Producer: I think Aloysius is going to do some improvisation for us. He's we already, we have a, um, an umbrella and we don't, we don't know where the umbrella is though. So it's very exciting. Who knows where this is going to go.

Aloysious J. Pig: My mind is just racing now. Where can this umbrella be? How about if this umbrella is, is, is, is on a, on a first date? How about with the umbrella? He's on a first date. Okay.

Natty Bumpercar: But we don't have to really do.

Aloysious J. Pig: Come on.

Natty Bumpercar: We don't, we don't have to do improvisations. We can just finish our phone conversations and go on about our day.

Emerson: Everybody ignore daddy.

Natty Bumpercar: So, okay. There's an umbrella and it's on a, it's first date. Um, okay. So, um. Hey monster.

Lil Monster: Hey monster.

Natty Bumpercar: Okay.

Lil Monster: Perfect.

Natty Bumpercar: Perfect.

Lil Monster: It's good to see you too.

Natty Bumpercar: Okay. Okay. So we have an umbrella on a first date. At a ping pong tournament.

Lil Monster: At a ping pong tournament.

Natty Bumpercar: I love it.

Lil Monster: He's very nice.

Natty Bumpercar: It's very strange situation.

Lil Monster: It's like, would this situation ever really happen?

Natty Bumpercar: I don't even know.

Lil Monster: Good point.

Natty Bumpercar: Good point.

Lil Monster: Good point.

Natty Bumpercar: Who is the umbrella there on a date with?

Lil Monster: We didn't, we didn't think about that.

Rufus T. Rufus: Well, I mean, I don't, I'm afraid of the stage obviously, but I'd like to throw my, my hat into the ring. Could I possibly be part of the scene?

Natty Bumpercar: I like it. Okay. So we have an umbrella. It's on a date. It's first date. At a ping pong tournament. With Rufus T. Rufus. No.

Rufus T. Rufus: This is going to be hilarious.

Natty Bumpercar: It's, but okay. It's, it's, it's, I'm happy that you guys are excited about this and that this is something that you clearly are into. And I can tell that you missed the podcast, the bumper podcast, and we need to figure out the equipment because this, I, you know what? I, you guys are all great. I'm happy. We're going to figure this out. Okay. Yeah. We're going to figure it out right now by, by, by, by doing the, the, the, the, the improvisation. All right.

Rufus T. Rufus: I'm ready.

Lil Monster: I'm ready.

Natty Bumpercar: I'm ready. Okay. Ready? Here we go. Okay.

Rufus T. Rufus: Hello, umbrella. I'm your, I'm your date tonight. We're going to go to a ping pong tournament.

Natty Bumpercar: No, I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I am. I do. I got to fix this style tone. Hold on. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Um, Oh, come on. No, absolutely not. Yeah. I'm not answering the phone. Answering the phone earlier was clearly a mistake, but that is okay. It's nice. My dog was calling to check in on me, especially cause I was singing a lonely song, a bored song. I got to get the podcast back together. I got to get the crew back together. It's a summer, you know, and this is, we have a lot of adventures. We have a lot of stuff to talk about. We had a lot of stuff to do and I, I can't, you know, I feel bad for all the bumper pod casketeers who were out there just wondering, waiting to hear what's, what's going on here at headquarters. I feel terrible is how I feel, but at least, oh, come on in. Come on in. Who is it?

Aloysious J. Pig: Hey.

Natty Bumpercar: Oh, wow.

Aloysious J. Pig: You're really got, the door's got some serious squeak to it.

Natty Bumpercar: Yes.

Aloysious J. Pig: Yes. You should probably, I don't know, oil it up. I don't know what you do to doors.

Natty Bumpercar: You just, I'm, hey pig, um, uh, yes, I need to oil the door hinges because the door is ridiculously creepy.

Aloysious J. Pig: I get it. Um, so I don't, I was trying to call you back, but you, it was, it was just going straight to, it was not, no one was answering, so I just wanted to say, you know, check in on you.

Natty Bumpercar: Come in. Come in. Come in.

Aloysious J. Pig: Okay. There's the door again. Wow.

Rufus T. Rufus: Hey, it's, it's me. Rufus T. Rufus.

Natty Bumpercar: Hey.

Rufus T. Rufus: Hey. Well, we lost the connection. And so we were just worried.

Natty Bumpercar: Yeah.

Rufus T. Rufus: I'm fine, but who's up for some macrame?

Announcer/Network Voice: The Bumper Podcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp with Natty Bumpercar and some of his pals. It is family friendly, clean, and ridiculous. Thanks a bundle for listening. If you love our show and you'd like to help support the podcast, check out our Patreon page at https://www.patreon.com forward slash Natty Bumpercar. Also pretty please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, share it with everyone everywhere, post about it on all of the social medias, or leave a rating and review. The Bumper Podcast is produced at headquarters in Coffee Can Alley. It's recorded, mixed, and produced by a producer. The Bumper Podcast features contributions from Aloysius J. Pig, Rufus T. Rufus, Doodle Poodle, Robot, Trunks, and a gaggle of other silly rascals. Our head talker is probably Natty Bumpercar. We also have an absurd newsletter. Check it out and subscribe at NattyBumpercar.com slash subscribe. Also, you can follow me on Instagram and Twitter at Natty Bumpercar. Hugs and hearts. See you soon. This has been a non-productive media presentation. Executive Producer Frank Caballawi. This program and many others like it on the non-productive network is distributed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial No Derivatives License. Please share it, but ask before trying to change it or sell it. For more information, visit non-productive.com.

The post Bumperpodcast #429 – Season 3 – Telephone appeared first on Natty Bumpercar.

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In this playful episode, the Bumperpodcast crew dives into an impromptu rhyming game that evolves into an unexpected musical masterpiece. Producer Dan kicks things off with his frog-themed rap, leading to a full group freestyle session about everything from legal victories to donut obsessions.

• Producer Dan’s surprise rhyming intro
• The great “drift” pronunciation debate
• Spontaneous group freestyle session
• Discussion of Apple Podcasts updates and Patreon milestone
• Natty’s discovery of voice-to-text technology

• Producer Dan
• Natty Bumpercar
• Rufus T. Rufus
• Aloysius J Pig (mentioned)
• Robot (briefly mentioned)

“you see I am a frog and I like to produce I don’t keep it too tight I keep it loose”

“Rufus T Rufus I’m a lawyer son ain’t never a case that I ain’t never won”

“I wasn’t expecting a hot jam of the summer to come out but here we are who knew right”

Producer Dan: okay everybody okay everybody everybody okay my name is producer and today we're going to play a game and the game it goes a little bit like this and it's gonna drive you insane what we're trying to do is make rhymes rhymes are words that rhyme yeah sometimes we're gonna rhyme with rhyme and that's fine you see I am a frog and I like to produce I don't keep it too tight I keep it loose I'm usually not on the microphone because not the bumper

Natty Bumpercar: car doesn't always like to give a dog about excuse what are you doing producer you doing

Producer Dan: you doing that rhyme thing that she was talking about the other day that wasn't approved we want

Natty Bumpercar: we were just recorded like a minute of that whatever it was it was kind of fun and I was

Producer Dan: kind of doing a test and maybe my flipper hit the record button at the same time as well go but it's

Natty Bumpercar: you know you don't have to keep it or anything like you know unless you want to now it's hard

Producer Dan: to tell you it's a no in your head no saying no no you don't want to get rid of it I don't

Rufus T. Rufus: we okay yeah we want to get rid of it because it's it's I mean I haven't listened to it but

Natty Bumpercar: I'm assuming it's and this is not any slight against you but I'm assuming it's not very good

Aloysious J. Pig: if you understand if you catch my drift drift drift that's weird that's a word I just said

Producer Dan: it and does it sound drift now it's drift dry yeah you got it I think I'm saying that right

Aloysious J. Pig: dream got it yeah it's drift and I understand you know that's got a word there's a definition

Producer Dan: that defines a word when it sounds I don't know what I'm trying to say does it sound incorrect

Rufus T. Rufus: when you're trying to say it does it not sound correct when you don't try to say it here's the

Producer Dan: thing that I guess I'm a little bit upset about now is I was doing a pretty good little rhyme

Aloysious J. Pig: sting rhyme game earlier and now you guys are just in here kind of talking gibberish to be

Producer Dan: completely honest now here's the thing is we ain't talking gibberish I was I just had I got a word

Natty Bumpercar: stuck in my crawl as it were and was drift and it didn't sound right and and now even saying it I

Rufus T. Rufus: feel like it does sound better so I don't know you know this is I had a little issue with a word

Natty Bumpercar: not not with you not with nothing hey robot man there's everybody's here we got producer over

Producer Dan: there got Rufus T Rufus Aloysius what's up my man and robot Wow and me daddy bumper car

Natty Bumpercar: bananas fun packed room we got can you tell him not to come in here and start trouble immediately

Producer Dan: bumper car he hasn't been on the show in forever and I don't want him just coming in and causing

Natty Bumpercar: and yeah but I should point out to you that you're the one who came in when I was trying to record

Rufus T. Rufus: the rhyme guy oh you're doing the rhyme game that's awesome yeah so we're trying to do it just

Natty Bumpercar: like we talked about in the meeting cool that's awesome yeah yeah we just came in and he said no

Producer Dan: rhyming you can't record this it's just but not good and all this stuff and I was like well okay

Natty Bumpercar: I was just doing my job here I didn't know I was gonna get yelled at okay now I don't know if

Announcer: anybody's yelling at anyone but I know that we do not have a human resources department so I will

Natty Bumpercar: be handling any of those issues just funnel them through me you're just trying to build up your hours so he can charge us right right I'm gonna reach you he charges us money for the hours well of course I mean a man does have to eat you understand and I'm not just sustaining myself on air and sunshine I'm a living breathing human being who needs to enjoy his repast ever so often to have a a bit of an entertainment like a roof over my head I got bills to pay yeah so um well I'm sorry that I missed out on the rhyme game can we can we start it back up or what are we gonna what's the deal here like what's the plan are we gonna just scrap the first time are we gonna start it over I vote that we scrap but you know I you guys never listen to me that we clap our hands everybody and everybody clap their hands if we're all in line and we're doing just fine let's everybody clap your hands let's go Natty B I'm in the place to be and I love my life and I love to party I always just I make amazing dishes I also fulfill crazy wishes Rufus T Rufus I'm a lawyer son ain't never a case that I ain't never won like to relax I like to have fun and I like to marinate up under the sun I don't like waffles but I love doughnuts did you just rhyme robot with doughnut because doughnuts go nuts for doughnuts we go nuts yeah all the time we go nuts go nuts for doughnuts and we slang our silly rhymes we go nuts go nuts for doughnuts and this rhyme is sublime I mean I guess that's pretty good I could take that back into the lab and you know throw some funky beats onto it and maybe like a little bit of um um you know studio magic as we call it to just to make it this is really good but it could be a little bit better yeah I mean honestly I the way this episode started with the little rhyme game I wasn't expecting a hot jam of the summer to come out but here we are who knew right it's like it's unexpected that's for sure now netty uh if this little song is in the episode do we have to change the category of the podcast from uh improvisation over to musicality or any such thing as that or can we just be as we be I don't know I think we can just um no we just leave everything the same because that would confuse things and mess things up uh even more oh speaking of podcasts I um the apple where are like whatever it's called podcasts is it called apple podcast I don't know but they did a thing this week where they're like adding all kinds of wacky stuff on their podcast platform and they're like you can charge for podcasts and I was like I don't want to do that um but it's kind of neat oh speaking of I know we keep mentioning this but it's there uh natty bumper car no way patreon.com slash natty bumper car we got our first patreon this week and I just can't even thank her enough uh although I did thank her but it's so so nice and I forget what tier she is and I forget if I'm allowed to say her name so I have to look into that because that's the cool thing with patreon is if you join at different levels you get stuff um so I have to put like a package together to mail to her um and also we're trying to revive the mailing list why I don't know it's just a cool fun thing to do um I like interacting with you guys and I miss the world and so I think I'm just uh desperate to communicate in any way I possibly can I'm like what do you want me to do carrier pigeon I can do that mailing list sure blog post ah that seems like a lot of work a lot of words um these days when I write stuff little secret I've figured out how with my computer how I can actually push a button twice it's a button that says fn and if I put fn boop boop then it listens to me and there's like a little microphone and it will transcribe the words that are coming out of my mouth so what I mean is like it takes the words and it types them when I don't even have to type and it's so fun because I can be like I went to the store the other day comma and bought some peanut butter exclamation point and it'll do those things because I live in the future a very lazy future where I don't even feel like tapping on the keys now that that's a wonderful future I feel like I could save some money around the office I might have to I could maybe get rid of Eunice for instance she's she's been working for me and you know it's now I guess I should keep on she keeps all the books tight and uh I don't I don't know why I even even thought about it because she she does everything and she's a wonderful employee Eunice I hope you're not listening to this please don't please don't leave the whole law firm would fall to pieces if you left yep big shout out to Eunice over there taking care of things like it's her job well actually I think it is her job is what he was just saying um I'm gonna go now because I actually have to go do my job which is to produce this podcast but uh thanks for for thanks for rhyming everybody it was a lot of fun I am producer all right I'll see you later later later McAlligator producer eats flies and calls them mashed potatoes I fell off my board because I thought I was a skater this podcast is over see you later bumper pod casketeers see you later this has been a non-productive media presentation executive producer Frank Hablawi this program and many others like it on the non-productive network is distributed under a creative commons attribution non-commercial no derivatives license please share it but ask before trying to change it or sell it for more information visit non-productive.com

The post Bumperpodcast #392 – Season 2 – Rhymes appeared first on Natty Bumpercar.

On today’s Bumperpodcast, Natty talks all about the new dog door that he installed in his house. Or that he’s trying to install in his house – and all of the ridiculousness that has happened because of the dog door …

The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals!

You should send us an email to [email protected]. We’re here and we’re listening!

Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!!

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Natty shares the tale of installing a storm door with a dog flap for his dog Popcorn, who has been driving the family crazy with constant barking to go in and out. What starts as a simple home improvement project turns into a comedy of errors involving construction mishaps, a terrified dog who won’t use the door, and children who get stuck trying to demonstrate how it works.

“I never professed to be a door professional, just a door hobbyist, I just do doors on the weekends”

“Because when we train her, when we train our dog, we get treats, she does not give us any treats, no, not even one”

“It’s really a modern day fable… what could go wrong, just might, just may, maybe, be prepared, be ready, set your expectations to disappointment”

Natty Bumpercar: Hey Bumper Podcast, it's me Natty Bumpercar and we got something exciting in the house last week. Just yesterday actually. It's a door, a storm door is what it's called, which is like a door outside your door but it's got a dog door in it, a little doggy flap so that popcorn can run outside and run back inside as she wants, whenever she wants. She wants to go outside, she can just go outside by herself because I don't know if you have a dog out there, any of you, but here's what popcorn likes to do. She's in the kitchen, the old door was there, she would look out the door, she would put her nose by the door and then she'd start barking, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, let me out, I gotta go out, bark, bark, bark, and we're like oh, maybe she has to go to the bathroom, maybe she has to, I don't know, maybe she's got a job, something has to happen outside, let's let her out. Get up off the couch wherever you are, go and open the back door, out she goes. Door shuts, you walk away, you sit back down to get back to work, whatever you're doing, and she's reversed the process, she's outside, nose in the door, barking to get back in, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, I gotta get back inside right now, and this has been our life now for months. The dog's in, the dog's out, the dog's in, the dog's out, the dog's back in, she's barking non-stop, and I was telling this story to somebody and they were like oh, she's got you guys trained, I'm like oh, is that what she's doing? Because when we train her, when we train our dog, we get treats, she does not give us any treats, no, not even one, so I came up with the idea, we'll get a storm door so that we can leave it open so that we can still get a lot of nice light, right, maybe have a little screen so we can get some nice fresh air when spring comes, but we'll get it with a dog door, a little flap so she can come and go as she wants. So I spent this weekend trying to put it in, and I found out, I know this isn't super interesting, but I found out that the door hole was not big enough for the door that I had purchased, the door could not be returned, so I proceeded to start cutting away pieces of the house with a saw, making big noises, making big messes, finally got the door in, door's in, door won't shut, more of a mess, door shuts, kind of, we're still working on it, we're on day two of working on the door, so the door's in, kind of, and it shuts, kind of, which you know, I don't work in absolutes, do you know what that means? It means it's fine, as long as it's in there and working, I'm okay with it, I never professed to be a door professional, just a door hobbyist, I just do doors on the weekends, anyway, so the door's open, and we're like, look, popcorn, you can just come and go as you want, you can go outside, and she looked at it, and she was like, no, no, no, no, no, so they have a little piece of paper that comes with the door, and so you look at the piece of paper and it says, how to train your dog to use a dog door, and I'm like, why do I have to train the dog to door? She can just walk through it, she has no problem plowing through everything else that we have set up in life, why is this flap now going to be an issue? Of course, she's got it, so I, you know, I went on the other side of the door with a treat, whistle, whistle, come here, pup, come here, popcorn, popcorn, popcorn, holding the treat, and I even, like, held the door flap open, because they said that's part of it, held the flap, showed her the treat, let her smell it, she tried to bite it out of my hand, pulled the hand back in through the door, and she's shivering, she's quivering, she's terrified of this new portal in the house, and I was just like, what are you, so I gave her the treat, I was just like, you're okay, we're good, it's okay, but then I found a little can of her old puppy food, wet puppy food, oh, smells disgusting, but evidently to her, delicious, put some in a little bowl, and then back and forth we went, back and forth and back and forth, we did it about 10 times yesterday, just treat on one side, or bowl with the food, out she goes, do it back and forth, and so she's getting a little bit used to coming and going, now, problem being, yesterday, yesterday evening, the children were getting frustrated with the process of training the dog to go in and out of the door, and I don't know if you know this about kids, but they want immediate results, they're like your boss at the end of a quarter, where, oh, they gotta make a presentation to their boss's boss, and they need results, get this stuff done, that's how the kids are, oh, this dog's gotta get through this door, what do we hold, what's the hold up here, get her through, I'm like, we just have to, sorry boss, we just have to train her, oh, not good enough, I want this done yesterday, okay, cool, so we, you know, I'm trying to do the little treat on one side, treat on the other, back and forth, get it into her head that it's okay and she's gonna be fine, and here's a fun thing that they don't really tell you about dog doors, kids, very attracted to dog doors, don't need to be trained to go through them, they need to be trained to stay away from the dog door, the dog flat, the dog door is built to handle a dog that's up to 40 pounds, and so that's, you know, reasonably, it's a nice little size dog, and it is not designed or built to hold a seven-year-old child, or certainly a 10-year-old child, so when your children start to try to, their own training method of watch me as I go through this door, I'm gonna go through the door, I assume this is what happened because I was not in the room, I was called into the room where there was a shrieking, screaming child who was wedged into the door, stuck in the dog door, because they couldn't make it all the way through, because here's a fun thing, if you don't know this, don't crawl into tiny spaces, don't, just, you shouldn't do it, you're gonna get stuck, because here's what happens, you put one arm through, and then your head goes through, and then your shoulders go through, yes, you made it, no you didn't, because your hips, which is, you know, your, it's where your legs go into, your hips are wider than your shoulders, and they don't do the same movement that your shoulders do, so you can't keep going through, is what I'm saying, and so you get kind of stuck, half in, half out, half in, half out, and the dog, you know, will proceed to scratch and nip at you, because you're in the door, and defenseless, so that, there's the screaming, and the shrieking is the realization that you're probably stuck here, maybe for the rest of your life, you don't know, so I rushed into the room to find this scene, got the dog away, put it, you know, put her, you're in another, you're in another room, you're not helping, you're not, you may think you're helping, but you're not helping, and proceeded to figure out how to reverse the process to get the child out. Now, another funny thing is that these doors, while not built to, you know, for dogs over 40 pounds, and not built at all for children to go through them, also not built to hold the weight of a child who is thrashing around as they are stuck inside the door, the new expensive door that you haven't even finished putting in properly, and so what ends up happening is in the child's fervor, their excitement, their desperation to get out of the door, maybe they break part of the door that you haven't finished putting in, but at least maybe, this is all, you know, potential, maybe this happened, maybe I'm still upset about it, so I don't really want to talk about it, it's still fresh in my mind, but you're able to get the child out of the door, child is a little bit scratched up, but okay, overall, door is, you know, not the same as it was when you got it, certainly, but it's still there, not finished, and the dog still won't go through it. It's really a modern day fable, I feel, it's, I'm gonna call this modern day fable, um, what could go wrong, just might, just may, maybe, be prepared, be ready, set your expectations to, uh, disappointment, it's okay, it's okay, because ultimately the child was okay, uh, and the dog today, this is yesterday, the dog has started, uh, getting a little bit better, I was working in the next room, and then I hear the flap, flip-a-flip-a-flip-a, and I look in the kitchen, dog's not there, I was like, oh, well, and then I sit back down, and then I see a little dog nose at the door, I was just like, look who just came back in, and I give her big treats, big, big, big, sweet treats, here, buddy, look at you figuring out the dog door, now you can just come and go, like a teenager in the night, you can just sneak in, sneak out, not really, don't do that to your parents, please, also, don't, uh, don't, don't break things that your parents are still trying to put into the house, it's not nice, it's not helpful, anyway, how are you, are you holding up okay, I'm doing projects, like putting in screen doors, and cutting out parts of my house, the other fun thing with the door is, so it doesn't shut all the way, it only opens about halfway, uh, because when you open it, because when you open it, there's a little thing blocking it, so I gotta take that thing off, but it, uh, you start to open it, and then you have to, like, scooch through a little bit, a little bit of a scooch through, which is fine, you know, it's good, keeps me on my toes, keeps me energetic, all right, you go wash your hands, uh, listen to your parents, be amazing, be awesome, because that's what you are, uh, if you have any questions ever, send me an email, I would love to hear from you, what you're up to in quarantine, and, uh, I can even talk about it on the podcast, the, uh, email we'll try is, uh, stuff, s-t-u-f-f at nattybumpercar.com, it's n-a-t-t-y-b-u-m-percar.com, um, be well, take care of yourself, bumper podcast-cateers, you know why? Because you're important, and you're special. I'm gonna go, uh, go finish working on my door now, because that's my new life, I'm a doorman, professional doorman, Natty Bumper Car, professional doorman.

The post Bumperpodcast #376 – Dog Door appeared first on Natty Bumpercar.

Natty babbles on a bit about having an inspection done on some plumbing, or some such, in Headquarters. It’s quite the listen. Really!

The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals!

You should send us an email to [email protected], or to call in and leave a message – 646.847.7976. We’re here and we’re listening!

Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!!

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Natty recounts his adventures in home improvement and the joys of municipal inspections. From building a magical pocket door in headquarters’ new bathroom to dealing with failed sump pump inspections, it’s all part of being a responsible adult.

“It was like I found a treasure map in a cave and it was written in glyphs, like little pictures.”

“There’s an orange sticker in my house. It says failed, failed. I don’t need signs in my house that say failed.”

“All my kid’s friends, fiends, that’s what I almost said, and I think it’s probably more applicable.”

Natty Bumpercar: Hey, Bumper Podcast, it's me, Natty Bumper Car, and today I'm going to tell you a funny story. I hope. I don't know if it's really funny, but I found it to be amusing. We built a bathroom here at headquarters. Maybe I talked about it. I don't know. I think I did, probably. I tend to talk about things. And it was a little powder room, little sink, little toilet, you know, kind of put it in the toy room. So like, oh, look, there's an extra bathroom. Go use it. I built it. I built the walls. I built the pocket door. A pocket door is a door that doesn't open and close out like a normal door. It slides into the wall like it's magic. Where'd the door go? It's inside the wall. What? How is that possible? There's a wall there, and now you're saying that there's a door inside the wall? That's right. It's a pocket door. And when I was doing the pocket door, the instructions, it was this giant fold out thing. It like covered the entire table. And it wasn't like step one, step two. It was just this kind of, it was like I found a treasure map in a cave and it was written in glyphs, like little pictures. And you know, it was like, it would have a little circle and it would kind of make the little piece bigger. And you'd be like, is that this piece? Is that that piece? And I never knew entirely. So the whole time I was putting it together, I was like, this is not going to work. No part of this door is going to work. And then the wall was so short, long, short, not tall, short, but like not wide, not super wide. So I ended up, I actually had to cut the door down a little bit with the, with the saw. So then you had to change the directions a little bit and do calculations off of these, you know, picture glyphs. And so I was, I just, I had no confidence that it was going to work. And I finally got it in. I put all the track in. Then I realized that I had put it in backwards, so I took it all out. And then I did it again with full confidence at this point that it was still not going to work. And, and then it went in and it, and it did, it worked. And it's, it's one of my crowning achievements. Problem though, was the kit that I bought didn't have any kind of locking system. And I do have kids. And so there's, this is not like a, oh, the door is shut. We should leave the door shut because you know, someone's using the restroom, they would like some privacy. No, no. When you have children, my children, especially it's why is this door shut? Who's in there? Let's see. Open. Scream. Ah! Double scream. So I had to then figure out how to put a lock in. And that was also a, a bit of a challenge we'll say, but anyway, this isn't about me putting in a pocket door. This episode is not called pocket door. This, this episode is about inspections, ladies and gentlemen, because today, probably over a year late to be inspected, I finally had the town inspector come to my house and he had to, he looked at a sump pump that we had put in. Sump pump. What's that? Well, there's, there's a hole in my basement where water comes in. So then you have a pump which pumps the water out. Well, maybe you remember that we flooded a little while ago, September, I think it was, was August. It was actually August and a lot of water in the basement, bad, bad scene. And so we decided to put in two, we put in two new sump pumps. One large one with a, with a big, big, big hose coming out of it to suck all the water out of the basement. And then another one that's there entirely for if we are flooding and we run out of power. It's a backup sump pump. Houses are expensive people. That's what I'm telling you. You have to buy ridiculous things that you have no interest in whatsoever, but it's all preservation of the basement. So I'll take it. So the inspector had to come for that. And he said, I said, well, while you're here, why don't you to inspect this bathroom too? So he, uh, here's, he walked into the bathroom, he, he, uh, he flushed the toilet, he looked at it and then he looked over at the sink and he turned it on and then he turned it off and then he walked out of the room and he said, uh, Hey, just make sure you keep that vent open. And I was like, I don't, okay. I don't know how to close it. So, okay. That was it. Powder room passed the plumbing inspection. The final plumbing inspection. Yes. Oh, but wait, you still have to get an electrical inspection and a building inspection. There's a lot of inspections that are happening. Then we go to the basement where the sump pump is. And uh, he made, he made a noise, he went like that, which isn't a good noise. You don't want to hear the inspector make that noise when they're looking at anything in your house. And I said, uh, what's up? And he goes, Oh, I don't know why you put this thing in. And I was just like, Ooh, what do you mean? And he was just like, you know, you got to get this thing inspected every single year and it's going to cost you a lot of money every single year. And I was like, Oh, well I didn't know that. Why didn't anyone tell me that? You know, it is what it is. That's fine. And then he started explaining to me why it had to be checked every year. And I, it made sense, but it's not what I wanted to hear. But then I started thinking about inspections and um, here's, what's funny, a plumbing inspection. It's essentially, it's this guy was a plumber, like he has a business as a plumber, but he gets to go around and look at other plumbers work and go, Oh, don't know why you did that. You know, it's just like, I was thinking it'd be amazing. What if that happened in other lines of the world? I mean, I guess it happens now in electric and building, uh, but like, what if there was like, if you went to a sandwich shop or something and uh, you know, the guy makes your sandwich and then you're like, hold on, I can't eat that yet. It needs to be inspected. And so the inspector, you know, sandwich inspector comes around and goes, Oh, don't know why you put oil and vinegar on that when it's already got mayonnaise. Hey, take that sandwich back, failed inspection, and then puts a big orange sticker on it. I forgot that point. We didn't pass inspection on the sump pump. So he had to stick a giant orange sticker on, on the thing. Oh, there it is. And I was just like, Oh, look at that there. There's an orange sticker in my house. It says failed, failed. I don't need signs in my house that say failed. That doesn't make me feel good. Fine. And I was thinking like, if a podcast inspector had, you know, if I made a new episode of the bumper podcast and I was like, I'm going to put it out, I'm going to send it out to the world. And before I did, someone was just like, Whoa, Hey champ, you can't just go putting a podcast out in the world. What are you thinking? You got to have this thing inspected. You got to check the levels. You got to check the content. Got to see if it makes any sense at all. Failed inspection. Oh, why did you fail me, sir? Because it don't make no sense. What is the bumper podcast anyway? I don't know. It's me hanging out with my friends here in headquarters, talking about stuff, doing a little jibber jabbering. Failed inspection. We failed a podcast inspection. We failed a sandwich inspection. We failed a sump pump inspection and expection. What? That's not even a word. Exception to your exception and intro exception and interceptional. I am. So, you know, that's fine. You live, you learn, you move on. I had the guy come out and test it today. And so I guess it's got to get re-inspected next week. Being an adult is awesome. Speaking of being an adult, we're having a benefit at my kid's school, right? And it's bingo. The kids get to play bingo. And I'm excited about it. And here's why. I'm actually the bingo caller. And I need to study on how to be a bingo caller. I'm going to be the person at the front of the room, in front of all of my kid's friends, fiends, that's what I almost said, and I think it's probably more applicable. All my kid's fiends and their parents. And I guess I have to roll the basket and be like, B14! B14! Everybody got that? B14. And then I guess you roll for a little bit, and then O27. And I have to figure out how to make it interesting for me and for them without crossing any lines. What kind of lines? I don't know. I'm actually going to look up, I guess I'll watch YouTube videos on how to bingo call? Is that something that you can do? Maybe I'll get a how to bingo book. I don't know. I'm assuming there's going to be a lot of, if somebody yells bingo, then I'll probably yell something to the effect of, and bingo was his name! Oh! Like that. But I can only do that once. Then I gotta move on. Bingo bango bong. That's the name of my song. It's a Doodle Poodle song. But they're not going to know that. They've never heard of Doodle Poodle. So, it's going to be a hoot, is all I'm saying. That's April 5th. So I hope you come out and watch me bingo? No. No. Also, I've been doing a lot of comedy shows. It's very nice. It makes me happy. I had one last night. Have one Saturday. Have one Sunday. Have one Monday. Have one next Friday. I'm going to tell you all about those, but I can't do it right now. I got inspections to get done, alright? I got a shoe inspection. I got a tooth inspection. This is a lot of inspections, alright? You know what, Bumper Podcast? You're my favorite.

The post Bumperpodcast #347 – Inspection appeared first on Natty Bumpercar.

We have a guest who talks very quickly – and who creates a bunch of mischief. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the Leprechaun!

The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals!

You should send us an email to [email protected], or to call in and leave a message – 646.847.7976. We’re here and we’re listening!

Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!!

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It’s St. Patrick’s Day aftermath at Bumpercar headquarters! Natty hosts the most mischievous guest yet – a hyperactive Leprechaun who speaks so fast nobody can understand him. The chaos continues as Natty recounts how the Leprechaun destroyed his house and left behind the ‘gift’ of a drum kit for his kids.

“do you seriously think that I would do this to my house? Like, all I do in life is clean my house.”

“That’s how I’m gonna start saying right. I’m gonna put a P in front of it with it like a dash. P’right?”

“I’m more excited when you’re not talking.”

Natty Bumpercar: So we had a big week last week. It was St. Patrick's Day and do you know what

Leprechaun: that means around headquarters? That means we get a visit from a very special

Aloysious J. Pig: guest, a very terrifying guest, a very mischievous guest, and I am lucky enough

Natty Bumpercar: to have him on the podcast right now. Ladies and gentlemen, please say hello to

Aloysious J. Pig: the Leprechaun.

Natty Bumpercar: No, not right. Nobody knows me. What are you talking about, bro?

Leprechaun: Nope. Nope. I'm with you, pig. I got no idea what… I've got no idea what you're

Natty Bumpercar: saying, Leprechaun. I… hmm. I probably should have picked up on this before I

Aloysious J. Pig: put you in front of the microphone. Yeah, it's like he's saying something. I feel like

Leprechaun: there's words happening. Yeah, like right there, he just said pudding. I feel like he

Natty Bumpercar: said pudding. Maybe. I don't… I don't know, but it's… it's… the words are mixed up and

Leprechaun: jumbled and kind of really fast. You talk very quickly, sir.

Natty Bumpercar: I… I think I have… stop. You have to stop talking. I have… I have a headache. I have officially got a headache. Okay, so bumper car, if you got a headache, I'll take over the interview.

Aloysious J. Pig: You go take a little break or something, and it'll be all good, okay? No, it's… no,

Natty Bumpercar: it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. I'm sorry. I didn't mean… I feel like I snapped, but you're our guest, and I appreciate you being here. I'm excited

Leprechaun: for you to be here. I'm more excited when you're not talking. Okay, yes, but let me…

Aloysious J. Pig: I'm gonna tell a story, okay? Should I hold him down to put a muzzle on him or

Natty Bumpercar: something? Because I don't feel like you're gonna get a word in edgewise

Leprechaun: while this… He won't stop talking. Oh my word.

Aloysious J. Pig: Okay, so it's St. Patrick's Day, and it's very exciting because my kids get super

Natty Bumpercar: duper excited for the leprechaun to come. Yes, because evidently they haven't spoken to you. They haven't been in a conversation with you before. So what they do every year is they put out traps, and they put out traps to catch the leprechaun. Yeah, okay, so your microphone is now off. Yes, mine's… Okay, yeah, I'm still on. Perfect, good. Okay, just want to make sure you can hear me. Yeah, you're still there. So when the leprechaun comes, he makes mischief. What I mean by that is he makes a big mess, and so last year… I mean, like, it's crazy. Like, there are chairs flipped over. Last year there were, like, streamers and toilet paper wrapped around everything in the house, and this year was crazy because there were, like, two chairs flipped over, all the couch cushions were pulled off, there were boxes that were knocked onto the floor, and then there's, like, this confetti everywhere, and there's… It's just… There's little gold coins, and both traps… Both kids set different traps in different rooms, and he just knocked them both over, and then he left… The leprechaun left a drum kit. A drum kit for the kids. Talk about mischief. That's a lot… That's… Why? Yeah, why did that have to happen? Why is there now a drum set in my house? He's… Dang, I have not had a bit of sleep since this leprechaun dude brought the drum kit, because all night the kids are over there, like, bonga binga bonga donga, and it's just non-stop. Why can I hear the leprechaun again? What's happening in there? He's jumping on my microphone. Get… No, it's my microphone. Leprechaun, get in here. He's causing mischief, this guy. Get him away from me. You can handle yourself. I'm turning all microphones off now, except for mine. So, for St. Patrick's Day, it's really cool up here in the Northeast, because every weekend there's different parades, and we didn't manage to make it to a single one, and so I felt like we kind of blew it on St. Patrick's Day, but then… And my niece's birthday is on St. Patrick's Day, which is super exciting, but then they didn't have a party, so we didn't get to go have fun, and so then we ended up going to, like, an Irish restaurant, and they had this big tent, and they had Irish dancers, and they had all kinds of fun stuff. Green bagels, and all the different foods, and whatever, and it was, you know, there's music, and it was… It was… It was nice for everyone, except for my kids, you know? Like, I was… They're like, this is the worst place I've ever been in my life, and I was just like, look around! There's 200 people having fun all around you! Everyone's happy! We don't like it! And I was like, okay, all right. You know, but we… It worked out in the end, I think, and… But back to the Leprechaun. So the kids, I think that they're trying to… Oliver thought that he was gonna get wishes from the Leprechaun if he caught him, and Emerson was all about that gold. He was just like, I just want some gold! And I was just like, I don't… Okay. And so the Leprechaun comes in. Don't know how he comes in. He's not like Santa Claus. He's not an elf. He doesn't come down through the chimney. There's no forced entry. There's no doors broken. There's no window, you know, nothing like that. There's just… The house is just demolished. And so I got up early in the morning with the kids, and we went downstairs, and yeah, minds were blown. And Emerson, at one point, he was just like, Dad, I know you're the Leprechaun. And I was just like, do you seriously think that I would do this to my house? Like, all I do in life is clean my house. So what in the world makes you think that I would do this to my house? Because I would not, is the answer. It's the only answer. I wouldn't. Wouldn't do it. Why? Because I'm the one who has to clean it. I'm not gonna add extra cleaning to my regimen of chores. And I'm certainly not gonna put a drum kit in my house. This is the last thing that I would have to happen. But here we are. Messy house, drum kit. New life. New year, new me. With a drum kit. So. Alright, I'll turn the microphones back on because I feel bad. Yes, anyway, Leprechaun, here's what I was saying about Bumpacar in there. He, uh, you know, he used to be okay, but now he's a little bit off. He's not as funny as he used to be, and he's not… Oh. Hey, pig. Hey. Did you turn the mics back on? Yeah, I turned the mics back on. Yeah. You could have given me like a signal or something. Didn't feel like I needed to. I wasn't talking about you. You were, though, Bumpacar. I was talking about another Bumpacar. You don't know any other Bumpacar. You don't know any other. No, not okay. Not nice. You shouldn't. I don't. I think I'm kind of funny. P'right? P'right? P'right? That's how I'm gonna start saying right. I'm gonna put a P in front of it with it like a dash. P'right? I think it's probably the best move ever. P'right? Because other people are gonna look at me and they're gonna be like… P'right? P'right? Yeah. I agree. So, yeah. Right, Bumpacar. So, Leprechaun and I, we're gonna go down to the restaurant over here. We're gonna get us some snacks. He says he likes pretzel sticks. So, that's good because they're free. And we're just gonna check you later. He says he appreciates… You speak Leprechaun all of a sudden? Yeah. I picked up some stuff. I figured out how to speak Leprechaun. Okay. I'm very impressed with that. Fine. All right. Well, thanks Leprechaun for coming and hanging out here on the Bumper Podcast. Thanks for making a mess in my house and thank you for leaving a drum set for the children. And I… It was interesting having you on as a guest. Did he just say Popalarny? What is Popalarny? What does that even mean? So, as I understand it from my limited knowledge, Popalarny is what Leprechauns say when it's… It's like aloha. It's like hello or goodbye. Okay? So, when you see me in the morning, you could be like, hey, Popalarny, pig, what's up? You know? When I leave, you could be like, hey, pig, Popalarny. You know, like that. It's good. Yeah. You're learning a lot today. I feel like I am. Right? Right. Right, pig. All right, ladies and gentlemen. Well, I am Natty Bumpercar and you are my favorite Bumper Podcast ateers. And beware because this Leprechaun, now that you've listened, he might be coming to your house to mess your house up. So, have your traps ready. Have your wishes ready, you know, and watch out because he may bring a drum kit or two to your house. Hopefully not. Hopefully, you'll have the luck of not having that happen to you. But if you do, if you happen to see that Leprechaun coming or going, you know what to say to him, right? You just look at that Leprechaun and you go, hey, Leprechaun. Popalarny.

The post Bumperpodcast #346 – Leprechaun appeared first on Natty Bumpercar.

It has come to our attention that not everyone is lucky enough to know about the Bumperpodcast. So – we have a big meeting to discuss strategies for getting the word out!

The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals!

You should send us an email to [email protected], or to call in and leave a message – 646.847.7976. We’re here and we’re listening!

Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!!

Podcast: Download | Embed

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | iHeartRadio | RSS | subscribe

“We’re 345 episodes into the podcast and there are a lot of people who don’t even know that it exists.”

“Have you ever heard of skywriting? It’s where you take some words and you put them up in the air where the clouds usually are.”

“Does anybody know any snails? Snails are known around the world as being the best marketers that there ever was.”

Natty Bumpercar: All right, everybody, gather round, gather round, gather round, gather round, gather round.

Rufus T. Rufus: I just woke up. What's going on, Bumpercar? Why are you making me get up? What's going on? What's going on? Now, listen, Mr. Bumpercar, I'm not… I'm supposed to be on the retainer. Rufus T. Rufus, your lawyer, understand that I don't know if I should be here at all. Why are we having… What are we doing? What is this? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Why are we having… What is this? What are we doing? What is this exactly? What's happening?

Natty Bumpercar: Hey, Aloysius JPG, Rufus T. Rufus, and Doodle Poodle. It is so nice of you to join me. We're having a meeting right now, because it has come to my attention…

Rufus T. Rufus: What do you mean? We're having some sort of a get together?

Natty Bumpercar: Yes, a meeting. A meeting. It has come to my attention that people don't even know that we have a podcast. We're 345 episodes into the podcast, and there are a lot of people who don't even know that it exists, which is very worrisome to me.

Rufus T. Rufus: Now listen, Mr. Bumper Guy, what would you presuppose and allotose that we do about this situation? Is there some sort of a plan, some sort of a schematic, some sort of a structure, integrity that we could build together and snap together and work together to get it all together? I don't understand. I don't understand the contract, because I can sign a contract. I am a lawyer. I understand.

Natty Bumpercar: Alright, Rufus, we get it. You're a lawyer, okay? What, were you shot out of a cannon today? Relax, bro. Okay, go ahead, Bumper Guy. What are you going to talk about? Tell us what you want. What I'm thinking is that we need to get the word out. We need to do some sort of marketing, like let people know that the Bumper Podcast exists, and so then they will start listening. Because I'm sure, I am positive, that once people start listening to this show, they're going to be hooked. And then they're going to go back and they're going to listen to all 345 episodes, and then they're going to be like, what have I been missing my whole life? We'll have subscribers, we'll have reviews, we'll have likes. Um, so maybe I have a few ideas that I would like to share with the group. If it's okay, I can tell everybody what maybe I was thinking we could do. Listen, we all know what you're going to say. You're going to say…

Doodle Poodle: I was going to say we should make some doodles.

Natty Bumpercar: Exactly. I think at this point, we all know you get it. We know what you're going to say. Yeah.

Doodle Poodle: I like to make drawings of things. But I think that if we can make some nice drawings of the Bumper Podcast, then maybe everybody will know about it and they'll start to listen.

Natty Bumpercar: Um, alright Doodle Poodle, I appreciate you bringing that to the table. Um, that's officially the first idea. Uh, you know, I think we should probably try to come up with some… I have a couple of ideas myself. Have you ever heard of skywriting? It's where you take some words and you put them up in the air where the clouds usually are.

Rufus T. Rufus: You say clouds?

Natty Bumpercar: The clouds, son.

Rufus T. Rufus: I said clouds.

Natty Bumpercar: Are you saying clown?

Rufus T. Rufus: Clouds.

Natty Bumpercar: What do you not understand?

Rufus T. Rufus: You're saying clown. Like you want to go to a circus and put clowns in the sky holding balloons or something? I mean, I guess it's going to get the eyeballs up there. People are definitely going to look if there's flying clowns around. But I just don't know if I ever heard of it.

Natty Bumpercar: It's out of the box. It's definitely out of the box. I like what you're thinking. Okay, so far, I mean, I guess we have two ideas. We have the making drawings for the podcast somehow. And then we have flying clowns.

Rufus T. Rufus: I say, I say, listen to me. I say clouds. I don't know the different cloud names. You understand what I'm saying, though? The puffy things up in the sky.

Natty Bumpercar: The puffy.

Rufus T. Rufus: Puffy. I want to make some puffy in the sky. Understand, son?

Natty Bumpercar: Yeah. So here are the type of clouds. You're actually going to learn something today in the bumper podcast. Are stratus, cumulus, and stratocumulus. But then I did a search while you were talking, Rufus. And there's actually a lot. There's stratus, cirrus, cumulus, nimbostratus, cirrostratus, cirrocumulus, cumulus, I don't know what that is. Altocumulus, altostratus, stratocumulus. I mean, like, this is like with dinosaurs. Cumulonimbus. Where when I was growing up, there were like four dinosaurs, right? There was a T-Rex. There was a Triceratops. There was a Stegosaurus. Hold on. What am I forgetting? Stega, Tri, T-Rex, and then the Brontosaurus, right? And I think that was that all that we knew, that I knew about?

Rufus T. Rufus: I feel like that is.

Natty Bumpercar: And then flash forward, you know, a couple of decades, I guess, and you got, you know, 100 dinosaur names. Like, when I first, when we first had the kids, and I was like, oh, yeah, let's read about dinosaurs. I know all about dinosaurs. And I start to read, and there's like Compsognathus, Allosaurus, like all this stuff that I'm just like, what in the what is this? And then, to add insult to injury, the Brontosaurus isn't even a dinosaur anymore. It turns out that Brontosaurus is actually something called, it's an Apatosaurus. There was no Apatosaurus when I was growing up. What is this? These are shenanigans.

Rufus T. Rufus: That's fine. It's fine.

Natty Bumpercar: Pluto's not a planet. Brontosaurus isn't a dinosaur. Cats and dogs are living together.

Rufus T. Rufus: We're supposed to be talking. We're having a meeting.

Natty Bumpercar: All right, you're right. Yeah, we're supposed to be figuring out how to get people to listen,

Rufus T. Rufus: and I'm pretty sure your big debate about clouds and dinosaurs ain't going to do it, okay? So, here's my idea. SEO. Now, what exactly does SEO stand for, Piggy Lou?

Aloysious J. Pig: Does it stand, let's see here. Super Engaged Optometrics. Super Engaged Optetrics. I think it might stand for silly elephant orangutan. I don't know. I thought I was pretty happy with the elephant part, but then the orangutan, I think I lost it there.

Natty Bumpercar: Okay, I agree. Silly elephant. It's not. Some O word, huh? Okay, so what it actually stands for, and it's not a bad idea, is a supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. So, the ocious. I think it's supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. It makes sense to me. I don't feel like it really makes sense to you. I feel like you, I mean, I feel like you figured out a cool logic structure and it fits within that logic structure, but I don't feel like it actually makes any sense to anyone.

Rufus T. Rufus: Now, don't stop putting words into my mouth, Mr. Bumble Guy, because my mouth is already several times full of words, and it does make sense.

Natty Bumpercar: I am with Pig. I feel like S-E-O is the way to go. Ready? S-E-O is the way to go. Everybody now. S-E-O is the way to go. Everybody doing it.

Rufus T. Rufus: Oh, we finished? It was good.

Natty Bumpercar: I think they were done, yes.

Rufus T. Rufus: Okay, fine. S-E-O. It sounds great to me. So, we're going to put all the eggs in our basket into some supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. I feel like really most of our time and money should be spent on the ocious, because that's the part that people tend to leave out and forget about. I think we should save a tiny bit of our plan for the floating clowns as well. I think that was pretty solid. People are going to respond to that.

Aloysious J. Pig: I don't understand why y'all can't understand what I'm saying. It's cumulostradivarialist clowls.

Natty Bumpercar: I don't know. That's weird. It got stuck in my throat there.

Aloysious J. Pig: Clowls. Clowls.

Natty Bumpercar: Are you okay?

Aloysious J. Pig: Clowls.

Natty Bumpercar: Is he okay? Somebody pat him on the back.

Aloysious J. Pig: I had one other good idea, too. I think that you'll maybe like a whole bunch. Does anybody know any snails? Olly canolly, the dog came up with a great idea. Snails are known throughout the world as being the best marketers that there ever was. We should hire some snails. An S-corp, if you will. A snail corp to do some SEO for us.

Rufus T. Rufus: It's all coming together, Bumper Corp. Great job pulling this meeting together. I am going to go back to sleep after I have my second breakfast. Next time, let's put some things on the calendar. We will talk to your people. We're going to blue sky a little bit. We're going to see what's the highest tent pole problem in this. You understand? See if it passes all the tests and whatnot.

Natty Bumpercar: I guess I'm going to go find some snails to hire to do some SEO for the website. I mean, not for the podcast. Here's what you can do, though, Bumper Podcast-ateers. If you're listening right now and you're having a good time, let people know about it. If you see a post about the Bumper Podcast, share it around. Let people know. You don't even have to be a snail to do this. You can just do it if you feel like it. Go write a review. Tell them what you heard. Tell them what you didn't understand. Tell them what you loved. Save what you didn't love for yourself. Keep that in your heart, okay? Because then your heart will make you love it eventually. I promise. So anyway, I am Natty Bumpercar. You are my best friends, and I will see you! Beep!

The post Bumperpodcast #345 – SEO appeared first on Natty Bumpercar.

It’s Valentine’s Day at Headquarters, and Natty has a super-great guest to talk to about it. Here’s a hint – it’s Valentine!

The Bumperpodcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals!

You should send us an email to [email protected], or to call in and leave a message – 646.847.7976. We’re here and we’re listening!

Go like our Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/TheBumperpodcast/)!!

Podcast: Download | Embed

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | iHeartRadio | RSS | subscribe

Valentine’s Day gets the Bumperpodcast treatment as Natty welcomes a very special guest – Valentine himself! But there’s a problem: Valentine is sad because he doesn’t have his own valentine. Through the magic of friendship, Aloysius J. Pig, Doodle Poodle, Rufus T. Rufus, and even Robot all come together to make sure no one is left out on this day of love.

“I’m so sad because today is Valentine’s Day, and sometimes people get so sad that I don’t even have a valentine of my own.”

“This is the best day of my life. Like, bar none.”

“It’s just supposed to be a nice little day where people can say, Happy Valentine’s to people and then people smile because people need more reasons to smile in this world.”

Natty Bumpercar: Hey everybody, it's me, Natty Bumper Car, and welcome to the Bumper Podcast. I've missed you, and you know what today is? It's a special day. It's Valentine's Day. Will you be my valentine? I will definitely be yours. I am so happy to see you, and I'm more happy because we have a very special guest today. So if you could, just give a warm welcome to my friend. You've never met them before, but here they are.

Valentine: Say hi.

Natty Bumpercar: Oh, hi Natty Bumper Car. Hi buddy, that's right everybody. Valentine is here. Little bitty, heart looking valentine is here. I am so here, but I'm so sad.

Valentine: Oh no, why are you so sad? You're not supposed to be sad.

Natty Bumpercar: You're valentine. Today's your big day. I'm so sad because today is Valentine's Day, and sometimes people get so sad that I don't even have a valentine of my own.

Valentine: Oh no, valentine. I thought everyone was your valentine. What do you mean you don't have a valentine of your own? That doesn't make any sense to me at all.

Natty Bumpercar: Well, sometimes people don't like Valentine's Day because they say, I don't need Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day is silly. Valentine's Day is dumb. And I just have to sit by and get very, very sad. That's, oh, people do that. It's weird. Valentine's Day is one of those holidays. It's not really a holiday.

Valentine: It's just a special day, I guess, but where people get really upset by it.

Natty Bumpercar: I think we talked about this before with Christmas and stuff, where holidays seem to really bring out a lot of emotions in people because they get nostalgic for past times or people they used to know or different situations that they were in or whatever. With Valentine's Day, it's one of those things where it depends on your mindset, I guess. If you have a valentine and you're like, I have the love of my life, whatever, then people can be happy and if not, then people are like, I'm not happy and I wish you weren't happy. It's a weird thing.

Valentine: They also say that it's just a corporate day for cards and candy and it doesn't mean anything, but to me it means a whole lot. Yeah, they do. They say, hey, this was a holiday that was invented by card companies to sell cards and that's kind of their rallying point or whatever. But, like, it's a fun day.

Natty Bumpercar: If it's a fun day, and I don't want to say it doesn't hurt anyone because people do get

Valentine: upset by it, I guess. Now I don't know what to think. I was going one way, but if people get upset by it, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think, Valentine. Help me! Here's the thing. It's just supposed to be a nice little day where people can say, Happy Valentine's to people and then people smile because people need more reasons to smile in this world and so it's a good day, I think. And so if you see somebody, you should look at them and you should say, Happy Valentine and then they're going to smile.

Natty Bumpercar: Unless, of course, they don't smile, at which point I guess they could get upset that some random stranger has said Happy Valentine's to them. Guys, this is a tricky one. I like it.

Aloysious J. Pig: I walk around all day and I'm like, Hey, Happy Valentine's. Hey, Happy Valentine's Day.

Natty Bumpercar: Hey, Happy Valentine's.

Aloysious J. Pig: That's what I do, right?

Natty Bumpercar: Because, you know, I feel like, especially if people are kind of sad and they're like, I don't have a Valentine's, then I'm walking around and I'm like, Hey, person at that sandwich shop, Happy Valentine's Day. And they're like, Hey, thanks, bro. And it kind of, hopefully, makes somebody feel a little okay because they were acknowledged in this big, scary world. But, you know, you also have to read the room.

Aloysious J. Pig: So if someone clearly doesn't look like they want to engage in being given a Happy Valentine's, then just, you know, move along. Move along. And don't be offended if somebody's like, I don't care about Valentine's Day, because that's their prerogative. They can care about it or they cannot care about it. That's my whole take on it.

Valentine: But that doesn't help my problem, because I'm still kind of sad and alone because nobody is my Valentine's. Well, I have a great idea, Valentine's.

Natty Bumpercar: Hold on one second, because I hear somebody coming down the steps. We'll see if this works out for you.

Aloysious J. Pig: Hey, what's going on? Bubba God, it's me, Aloysius J. Pig.

Valentine: What is this new rig?

Natty Bumpercar: Is this your new computer? Yeah, this is the new computer I got.

Aloysious J. Pig: So you finally got it. Yeah, it's expensive. So that's why we can finally record, because I've been missing out on doing the podcast. I wasn't even going to talk about that on the podcast, but yeah, we did have to get a new computer because the old computer broke. It was like nine days without a computer, and I do computer stuff nonstop. That's pretty much my entire life. So to not have a computer for nine days was brutal.

Valentine: But it's okay, because here we are. And speaking of being here we are, Pig, I would like to introduce you to… Hey, what's up, Valentine? How you doing, kid? I ain't seen you around.

Aloysious J. Pig: What you been doing? What you been knowing? What you been seeing? What you been stewing? I don't know.

Natty Bumpercar: I got confused there. I was going to do one of my little patented rhyme songs, but I kind of got a little confused.

Aloysious J. Pig: It's okay. Hi, Aloysius. It's so nice to see you. I just was wondering if I could ask you a little question.

Valentine: Ooh, this is very exciting. Valentine's going to ask Pig a question. I wonder what it could be.

Aloysious J. Pig: Relax, Bump. Back up a little bit, okay? Just let me take over here.

Natty Bumpercar: Yeah, so anyway, I was wondering, because today is Valentine's Day,

Aloysious J. Pig: if you would want to be my valentine.

Natty Bumpercar: Aw. So sweet. So weirdly drawn out. Valentine, you're saying that you want me to be your valentine? That's the sweetest thing I ever heard. I didn't even get you nothing. I didn't get no card. I didn't get no flowers. I didn't get no chocolates. I didn't get no nothing. No jewelry. I didn't even name a star after you. I didn't make you any crafts. I didn't bake you any confectionaries or nothing. That's okay. You know what, Aloysius? As long as you have love in your heart and you say,

Doodle Poodle: will you be my valentine, then I feel 100% better. So what do you say, Pig?

Natty Bumpercar: Pig, will you be my valentine?

Doodle Poodle: Absolutely.

Natty Bumpercar: You know I will.

Doodle Poodle: This makes me so happy.

Natty Bumpercar: I was wandering around today. I was like, I wonder who's going to be my valentine. And all of a sudden, bing, bang, boom, I look over, and my valentine is actually valentine.

Doodle Poodle: This is the best day of my life. Like, bar none. Aw, man. What a superb Valentine's Day.

Rufus T. Rufus: You know what? We should go get a triple decker soft serve fudge and caramel, all the sprinkles, all the toppings, sundae delight, and split it and have a wonderful day. What do you say? I say that's the best news I've ever heard in my whole entire life.

Natty Bumpercar: Thanks, Aloysius, and thanks, Natty Bumpercar. I'll see you guys later. Yeah, see you later, Bumps. We got things to do. We got places to be. We'll see you later, okay? Okay. Congratulations on the new computer, bro. Thank you.

Robot: Don't forget, you have to chip in and help pay for it. Wow.

Natty Bumpercar: What a weird turn of events.

Doodle Poodle: That was so nice. We saw Valentine.

Natty Bumpercar: We found out that Valentine was a little bit sad because they didn't feel like they had their own valentine, and then it turned out that Aloysius J. Pig was their valentine. It's so sweet. It's like everybody gets their own valentine. You know, if the world just works out for them. But now I just looked around, and I just noticed that there's nobody else here. So does that mean I don't have a valentine? Weird. That's kind of sad, I guess. I feel so alone. I feel so unloved, so unvalentined. I don't even. Huh. I was happy for a second ago, but now I'm a little bit sad. Huh. You know what? I'm going to be my own valentine. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to love myself, and I'm going to be happy with myself, and I'm my own valentine, and I'm fine with that. It's okay if it didn't work out for me this year. My valentine's out there somewhere, and I'll find him. I will. Hi, Daddy Puffer Car. It's me, Doodle Poodle. Hi, Doodle Poodle. And I heard that maybe somebody was looking for a valentine. Nope, nope, nope. Would you want to go and doodle with me? That's a very. . . You know what, Doodle Poodle? Normally I would say no, but that's a very sweet offer, so fine. I suppose that this year you're my valentine, and if you want to go and doodle, then that's what we can do. Happy Valentine's Day, Doodle Poodle. That's the best news I've ever heard in my whole entire life. I'll go get my crayons, and my crayons, and my pencils, and all of my doodling supplies. You're the best valentine ever, Daddy Puffer Car. Hold on one second. This is Rufus D. Rufus here, and I was just wondering. . . I heard that everyone has their own valentine, but I was looking over my docket, I was looking over my sheets, I was looking over my ledges, and I noticed that I myself did not have a valentine, so I was wondering if I could come and hang out with you guys and perhaps do a little bit of doodling as well. You know what, Rufus? No man left behind. You are going to come. You are going to be our valentine, and we are all going to valentines together, and it is going to be the best day ever. I'm so happy everybody got together, and we're going to have a wonderful day, and I hope you have a wonderful day too, Bumper Podcast. It's so nice to talk to you. You take care of yourself, you stay warm, and we will be seeing you soon. Natty, it's me, Robot. Is it okay if I come along too? Yeah, you can come along too. Yeah, bring your robot friend along, Natty. Everybody's getting along today. This is the best day ever!

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