Uncovering Hidden Roots with Peter O'Brien

Uncover the profound journey of a late discovery adoptee (LDA) as he confronts the shocking truth of his adoption, embarks on a relentless search for his birth family, and navigates the complex emotions and conflicting loyalties that arise along the way. Find out the interesting way he found out he was adopted in his mid-50s, even though his adoptive parents were planning to go to the grave without him finding out.

"Finding my biological family was a journey filled with ups and downs, but in the end, it helped me understand a part of myself that I never knew existed." -- Peter O'Brien

In this episode, you will be able to:

• Expose the clandestine aspects of late adoption and learn how to surf the emotional rollercoaster it brings to the adoptee.

• Learn about the significant role of DNA testing in the quest for unveiling birth family genealogy.

• Realize the damage caused by secrecy within adoption and the indispensable role of openness.

• Understand the emotional maze that reunions can present and how to manage challenging expectations and outcomes.

• Arm yourself with the knowledge to extend support to those on their epic journey of finding biological roots and reckoning with adoption.

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My special guest is Peter O'Brien

Today’s guest on Unraveling Adoption is the fascinating Peter O'Brien. A late discovery adoptee, Peter's world was transformed in his mid-50s as he unearthed the secret of his adoption. Originating from Sydney, Australia, this retired accountant-turned-genealogist, leveraged his passion for family history to aid his personal awakening and understanding of his adoption journey. While his incredible story does have a twist of irony to it, it demonstrates Peter's resilience and strength in facing intriguing and often challenging revelations. His wisdom and experiences provide invaluable insights for those just discovering their adoption and grapplying with the multifaceted complexities.

The resources mentioned in this episode are:

• Contact Peter directly: [email protected]

• Connect with the Post Adoption Resource Center in New South Wales for assistance and support in your own adoption journey: https://www.benevolent.org.au/services-and-programs/list-of-programs/post-adoption-resource-centre-nsw

• Listen to Unraveling Adoption’s episode with DNA expert Julie Dixon Jackson: https://directory.libsyn.com/episode/index/id/26761494

• If you are an adoptee, consider seeking counseling or therapy to process the emotions and complexities that may arise from learning about your adoption later in life. Here is a list of adoptee therapists in the US: https://growbeyondwords.com/adoptee-therapist-directory/

• If you are an adoptive parent, educate yourself on the importance of open and honest communication with your child about their adoption story. Join APtitude Support Group for Adoptive Parents Facing Adoption's Challenges: https://forms.gle/vD8mfJy3fJUDmCJe6

The Role of DNA Testing in Finding Relatives DNA testing has emerged as a crucial tool for adoptees seeking to uncover their genetic roots and find their biological families. For Peter, DNA genealogy was instrumental in locating his birth mother and unraveling the identity of his birth father. However, it's crucial to manage expectations when using DNA testing, as the results can sometimes lead to complex and challenging family dynamics like in Peter's case of finding out his birth father had abandoned both his families.

The Impact of Secrets in Adoption Adoption secrets can have profound implications on an adoptee's sense of self and their emotional well-being. The harm induced by such secrecy can be long-lasting, creating feelings of betrayal and resentment, as evidenced by Peter's experience. This key value underscores the importance of transparency in adoption, advocating for a shift from earlier practices of shrouding adoption in secrecy, towards a more open and supportive approach.

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Other Resources:

• APtitude Support Group for Adoptive Parents Facing Adoption’s Challenges: UnravelingAdoption.com/APtitude

• Other Parents Like Me - oplm.com 

• Heather Ross - Life Coaching for Parents who have a child struggling with addiction: https://heatherrosscoaching.com/

• Adoptee-Therapist Directory: https://growbeyondwords.com/adoptee-therapist-directory/

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Unraveling Adoption is produced and hosted by Beth Syverson

Music written and performed by Joseph Nakao

Email questions or comments to [email protected]

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Support Unraveling Adoption on Patreon: Patreon.com/UnravelingAdoption

www.UnravelingAdoption.com

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Timestamped summary of this episode: 00:00:00 - Introduction and Background Host Beth Syverson introduces the podcast and guest Peter O'Brien, a late discovery adoptee. Peter shares that he found out he was adopted in his mid-50s and discusses his childhood, which was seemingly normal with loving parents. He mentions that adoption was not on his radar until he learned the truth. 00:04:16 - Discovery of Adoption Peter's mother, who had dementia, revealed to his sister that he was adopted while in a nursing home. His sister, unsure if he was aware, eventually told him the truth. Peter experienced conflicting emotions of anger and gratitude towards his parents for never telling him. 00:09:42 - Searching for Biological Family Peter quickly took action to find his birth mother after receiving basic information from the Post Adoption Resource Center. With his genealogy background, he located her within a few hours. Through an intermediary, he established contact and eventually met his birth mother, along with her siblings. 00:11:46 - Meeting Birth Mother Peter's initial meeting with his birth mother and her family was both lovely and traumatic. There were many people present, including Peter's wife, daughter, and sister. Although his birth mother was initially overwhelmed, they continued to stay in touch and develop a relationship. 00:12:16 - Continued Relationship Peter and his birth mother maintained regular contact through phone calls and visits. Despite living a few hours apart, they made efforts to see each other. 00:13:54 - The Connection with Birth Mother, The guest discusses how most adoptees are naturally gravitated towards their birth mother and recalls that his birth mother had a strong negative feeling towards his birth father even 55 years later. 00:14:20 - Challenges in Discovering Birth Father, The guest shares that his birth mother eventually developed dementia before he could press the issue further, and she passed away shortly after they met. He then explains how he took a DNA test to find his birth father but initially struggled to understand the results. 00:15:45 - Finding DNA Matches and Identifying Grandparents, The guest describes how he took a DNA test with Ancestry and eventually got better results and more helpful DNA matches. After researching his grandparents, he identifies a younger son who could potentially be his father and reaches out to his aunt and cousin for confirmation. 00:17:17 - Confirming Father's Identity, The guest explains how his cousin did a DNA test, which proved that they were first cousins, ultimately confirming the identity of his birth father. He reveals that his birth father had already passed away and had a complicated personal history, including abandoning his first family. 00:19:55 - Challenges in Building Relationships, The guest reflects on the difficulty of building relationships with his birth family, as they come from different backgrounds and have little in common apart from their DNA. He also shares that some family members were not receptive to forming a relationship, leading to strained connections. 00:27:43 - The Impact of DNA Genealogy for Adoptees, DNA genealogy provides a significant help to adoptees, especially those who find out about their adoption later in life. It takes a weight off their shoulders and allows them to navigate their new reality more easily. 00:29:24 - Unraveling Family Secrets through DNA Testing, DNA tests have revealed many family secrets, including cases where people discover that their supposed family tree is incorrect. Adoptees and others have found unexpected relatives and uncovered hidden truths through DNA matches. 00:30:05 - Changing Attitudes towards Adoption and Secrets, The societal attitudes towards adoption and secrets have been evolving. In the past, adoption was often shrouded in secrecy and shame. However, with the advancement of DNA testing and changing social norms, there is a growing emphasis on openness and honesty in adoption. 00:31:49 - Embracing the Possibility of Biological Family Connections, Adoptive parents and adoptees should see the discovery of biological family as an addition to their lives, rather than something that takes away from their existing relationships. It is important to approach reunions and connections with realistic expectations. 00:35:25 - The Emotional Complexity of Adoption Reunions, Reconnecting with biological family members can be emotionally complex. While some reunions are positive and fulfilling, others may be challenging or disappointing. Managing expectations and seeking support from adoption therapists can be helpful in navigating these reunions.