Unspoiled! Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Well guys, We're back with some Buffy! And these two episodes came close to being good, but fell a bit short.
The first one gives us a connection to Buffy's old life in LA- and old chum resurfaces, and somehow knows she's the Slayer. And while the actor playing Ford is lacking here, it's nice to see Buffy struggling and having some character growth. Ford is a moron, though- banking on the goodwill of Spike without a backup plan. And it naturally goes as well as can be expected. Plus Money gets schooled on goth clubs in the 90s.

Giles' past also comes back to bite him- his band is slowly being killed by a demon who melts into Windex Jello when it loses a host, and poor Ms. Calendar gets caught in the middle. Ethan resurfaces, and Money cannot get enough Robin Sachs. The resolution doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but not a whole lot does.

I'm gonna keep this short, since I think we're all still reeling from everything that happened last week. There's a fraternity, and they are just as douchy as you imagine but they also worship and sacrifice to a rape snake. Yeah, that actually happened. Also, Halloween rolls around, and Cordelia *really* disappoints me with her costume. I had such high hopes for you, girl. Also, I get a little sad about Robin Sachs. Be well, and know that me and Bitches love you.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSS! Now I see why this show has such a following. It only took 15 episodes to get here! The show's strengths have always been in the tertiary characters- that's where the real stakes are, where the danger lies. The main characters aren't going to get iced, but Wheadon's brilliance relies in his ability to cast well and do more with less when it comes to characters. So now we have our standouts of the show- Spike, Inca Princess, and that other fuckup girl in the principal's office. The master sucked, and I'm glad he's gone. This storyline does not lend itself to prophecy well. Buffy has a little meat to chew on in being reluctant to embrace her destiny, but it's missing a crucial part that makes prophecy a compelling narrative tool- how the world reacts to the chosen one, and what that means for their place in the world. Something that Harry Potter nailed, but the Matrix flubbed (yeah I said it). Spike is just the right amount of charm and chaos we need to make the vampire faction interesting again (I still miss Darla, though). A vampire hybrid of Littlefinger and Jack Sparrow. He wants to rule the vampires, but he doesn't have prophecies or succession on his side- so he pisses all over that and charts his own path to gaining power. Including, blessedly, putting that prepubescent little twat in a cage and frying him to dust. Inca Girl is Buffy in the darkest timeline (so much so that I wish her backstory was that she was an ancient slayer)- someone whose fate has cursed her to a short life with no agency. She's back now, and requires the life force of the living to stay alive. But she's sympathetic, her desire to live and love is a much more compelling motivation than seeking power.  I truly hope the show keeps this up.

Oh look, they finally got some money to make this show! Buffy is back, and she's got a terrible attitude. Unfortunately, so is the anointed one. Honestly, I can feel the show starting to improve, but it sure is taking its time. So, to recap. Buffy is back, and she's pissed of and angsty about what the Master put her through, and apparently killing him isn't enough, She needs to spend an entire summer sulking and being a twat to her friends. We get our first black vampire (well, our second if you count that woman in the background of the second episode, but we haven't seen her since, so no. No credit) and he seems intent on resurrecting the master. And through a willful mistranslation, Buffy thinks they need her to bring him back. But they don't, they need all her friends. Except Xander, because fuck him. Then she works out her issues by breaking shit- the master's bones, specifically. Also Angel is there. Angel is around more for the second episode as well, and he starts off with a passive-aggressive argument with Buffy in the graveyard. Someone's robbing graves, graves of freshly-dead young women. This turns out to be a Frankenstein plot to build a girlfriend for a Frankenstein monster that already exists. And they want Cordelia's head, because there's nothing like a rotting corpse with a bad attitude. I really hope this show picks up steam, and soon. I hung on all through season 1  . . . I'm ready for the Buffy everyone told me about.

Buffy Season 1 comes to a close. This first episode gave as both the feels, and not just because we both have giant crushes on Clea DuVall (Seriously, girl, what happened to you? Come back and get an Emmy!) I'm feeling more of the Joss Wheadon I know starting to emerge, but this feels a little rushed. We never really get to learn much about Marcie, other than she feels invisible because people ignore her. Whatever switch was supposed to get flipped and turn her into a psychotic killer. Cordelia is starting to get some characterization, but it's inconsistent, sometimes cartoonish bullying and sometimes genuine feelings. I hopes the writers find something for her to land on. But then we must move on the the episode with the vampires (and for a show about a vampire slayer, they really keep shitting the bed when it comes to vampire-centric episodes. I miss you, Darla.) The Master has a diabolical plan, and according to the rules that Joss just made up, he needs to feed on the Slayer to earn his freedom from the unfinished basement with the blood hole. There' a bit of a head-fake in how he pulls this off, but Angel and Xander come to the rescue.  Also, willow gets mopey when all her friends in the AV club die . . . but I didn't really care. I've never seen her doing anything AVish, and Cordelia is the only one who calls any of them by their name. Not a convincing way to try and up the emotional stakes. But all is well and good after the Master is defeated, along with the giant toothy penises. They tel me it gets better in season 2. I Hope so!

Well howdy, listeners! What the hell was this? Apparently Giles is in charge of the talent show, as the high mortality rate of Sunnydale means the regular drama teacher was probably eaten by a narwhal. This means there's quite a bit of cringe-inducing "talent" on display here, including Cordelia trying to sing. Poor Morgan, found a possessed puppet. But not possessed by a demon, but by a demon-hunter, cursed to be a perverted old man in a tiny wooden body with no dick. The real demon has eaten poor Emily's heart, but he doesn't take a liking to Morgan's brain- apparently tumors make it tough and chewy. Oh, and Buffy, Willow, and Zander perform Oedipus Rex. Money is a bit of a greek classics snob, so he's pissed. And then we move on to the most WTF episode yet, and I mean WTF in terms of story structure and plot. There's a kid who was maybe molested, and he has a superpower that makes everyone in town live their nightmares for a full day, at least. We learn that Bitches loves the opera. Didn't see that one coming. The twists reveal the Joss Wheadon we know and love, buried under a pile of schlock and story tropes. He's in there somewhere, and Money can feel him start to emerge. But honestly, these two episodes were such a mess it's hard to get excited about them.

We have a  special guest star on the show this week! Owen joins us to talk about the most ridiculous hour of television that ever happened. Buffy goes full insanity here. We have, in no particular order: Buffy's ridiculous outfits. Seriously it looks like she made them out of curtains. Who thought that cheap velvet was a good idea? Techno-pagans, which are witches who use the internet. Demons catfishing Willow. "I'm jacked in!" Giles (maybe?) getting his dick wet. Typed suicide notes. Scanning all the books in the library into the computers. The best cosplay ever. But honestly, as terrifyingly weird and poorly-though out this episode was, we had a splendid time recording this.  Have a listen guys- they tell me this is rock bottom. God I hope so.

And we have a pair of Buffy episodes where people in Buffy's life can't exactly be trusted. Okay, let's dive in. Rancho Cucamonga has a zoo. Huh. And the elephant in the shot seems to not be having any of this white nonsense, because that was some epic side-eye. I feel you, girl. So a group of bullies who we've never seen before get infected with hyena spirit. Also Xander. And not the kid they were bullying, who is here for some reason. His haircut looks like a Q-tip. The "pack" ends up stealing lunch from a metalhead, but the hotdogs aren't satisfying, so they eat the school mascot. The other four are still hungry and decide to eat the principal (!) but Xander is too busy attempting to rape Buffy and gets locked in the library cage. Yeah, this episode is weird. But on to Angel! I knew something was up with him, and I suspected he was a vampire. I didn't expect, however, that vampires don't really have free will- and he's been cursed with it by a Romani family. But let's get real here. This episode was all about showcasing how awesome Darla is. And I want an entire spinoff show about Darla and Angel's dysfunctional relationship, arguing about things as they skulk around 18th century Europe.

I hate you all. For a show about a teenage girl that is good at killing vampires, it really sucks at episodes about vampires. Listen along as Money has serious issue with the questionable fashion choices of this show, and the magically appearing bra in between cuts. Also Money has a rant about another director this time- Kevin Smith! Yes, even 90's kids can figure out that he's bad at his job. There's quite a bit of digression in this episode, because the show just isn't that interesting at this point. But you fuckers wanted two sassy queers hatecasting this show, and that's why you got. I need a drink.

There's a giant fucking preying mantis in the school. That is a thing that happened. What even is this show? Listen along and hear the Bitches & Money origin story, too!