Voices in the Dark

What would you do if the police called, informed you that you're a victim, and that they want you to give evidence about a sexual assault you've already tried to put behind you?

That's the bizarre and challenging situation Jon found himself in recently, and in this episode we talk about the emotional and moral dilemmas he faced when trying to deal with it.

Should you participate in a police investigation if the likely outcome is that someone goes to prison – a place where rehabilitation definitely takes a backseat to punishment?

Where is your moral or social duty in all this? Shouldn't you take action if it could help others... but what if the authorities won't tell you enough to know whether you'd really be helping anyone at all? (And, being the police, do they even seem to care about the 'helping' rather than the 'punishing' aspect?)

This is a Bro Talk episode, so we also spiral outwards across a variety of other subjects, from V for Vendettato dreams of abandoning your family, what makes a person delicious, to why we should rethink the word 'promise' and its role in our lives.

Jon has started playing World of Warcraftagain and is worried about whether this spells the end of his life... or if real life is ultimately inferior to online gaming.

Subject to being abandoned on a desert island, Andrea is plotting to write a book about why irreversible decisions are the only things that give meaning to our lives.

And, just because we can, we try to untangle Andrea's unique mix of misanthropy and romanticism, before contemplating how much popular support we'd need to start a revolution.

• Why does rape seem worse than murder?
• Becoming Schrödinger's victim
• What does Anarchism really mean?
• Dropping acid in a concentration camp
• Handshake deals and what they (should) really mean

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Last time we unveiled the disturbing psychology of narcissism; in this episode we explore some vivid historical examples and what we can all learn from them. From Joseph Stalin to attention-crazed nuns, the inner world of the narcissist is brought to life in alarming technicolour.

But that's just one side of the coin. This chapter of Robert Greene's incredible The Laws of Human Natureis ultimately about cultivating empathy: the ability to understand other people's emotional worlds, and our own into the bargain.

Empathy takes us back to our favourite Law of Power: Always Say Less Than Necessary. Because, put simply, when we speak less we learn more. It's time to become a constant anthropologist: to observe, to learn, and to gather data before we make our own moves.

Robert calls for us to stop trying to steal the spotlight and instead learn to fine-tune our innate human ability to read other people's emotions. If we cultivate 'visceral empathy', we can look beneath the surface and into body language and unconscious facial expressions. Where are they coming from? Behind their words, what are they really communicating?

After all, when we screw up, we tend to blame circumstances and external factors; when other people screw up, we tend to blame some perceived flaw in their character... So what would happen if we were to give them the same indulgence?

Which brings us to the problem of preconceived notions – racism, xenophobia, sexism, and more. Until we identify these prejudices in ourselves, we destroy our ability to connect with and understand other people. On the other hand, Andrea seems to have the opposite problem: of too often assuming everyone he meets is going to be lovely...

In this episode, we discover that total control narcissists are astonishingly empathic, but in their hands this becomes a tool of power and manipulation.

We explore the world of the theatrical narcissist – the people who crave attention and who will always try to create more drama to ensure they get their fix. (This is also a mask commonly used by Social Justice Warriors and moralisers of all stripes.)

And then there's the narcissistic couple – where the relationshipitself becomes a nexus of narcissism. This makes for some uncomfortable reflections on one of Jon's past relationships, and the moment when empathy collapsed...

• Lessons from relationship expert Esther Perel
• What does racism even mean today?
• The power of unconditional love
• More reasons to avoid Brian Rose (as if you needed more)
• The genius of Ernest Henry Shackleton

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Narcissists aren't what you think they are. We throw the word around so liberally these days that it's almost been drained of real meaning. But narcissists are real. Narcissists are dangerous. We need to know how to spot them before we become enmeshed in their web of psychological warfare.

First of all, narcissists are not the same as egotists. They actually don'tthink they're amazing and then try to force their amazingness on the rest of us. On the contrary, they have such a damaged and fragile sense of themselves that they rely on outside input to feel that they exist at all. They have no self-esteem safety-net and instead live a desperate existence in which they try to make everything about them.

Lacking a core sense of self means you endlessly try to calibrate and maintain it in relation to other people. That means drama, mind games, and a brutal disregard of other people's lives and agency.

But Robert Greene reveals a still more disturbing truth which we dig into in this episode. We are all on the narcissist spectrum. We all see the world with us at its centre. We find ourselves waiting to speak rather than listening to others. We take things too personally and react with anger rather than trying to put ourselves in others' shoes and think about what lies behind their words and their actions.

This episode provides you with a toolkit for recognising deep narcissists before they entangle you (because at first they will seem incredibly warm, charming and insightful). But it also turns the magnifying glass back on ourselves so that we can strive to become healthy, empathetic narcissists. We can't disown our nature, but we can certainly do the personal work to make ourselves better, kinder and more effective humans.

Jon and Andrea open up about their own narcissistic tendencies, the mistakes they've made, and the narcissists they've survived. We talk about abusive bosses, partners and mentors... and in the process pull back the curtain on Andrea's time at London Real to tell you who Brian Rose really is.

• How perturbation points shape who we are
• Fucking up your kids
• The virtues of silence
• Treating people as ends, not means
• The healthy narcissist and how to become one
• Social Justice narcissists

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Jon's back from Indonesia and is experiencing reverse culture shock as he returns 'home' to London. From that unstable vantage point, in this catch-up episode we talk about getting things done, why closing 'loops' in your day-to-day life is essential for your mental and emotional health, and how to take meaningful action in the absence of clarity.

In aid of those goals, Andrea's adopted a policy of having no boundaries with other people. But how can that possibly work long term?

We debate how to tame our psychological disposition to look for problems rather than positives, and why the grass is ever so much greener wherever you are not.

Jon also went to One Last Talk, an event designed by our friend and sometime mentor Philip McKernan. There, ordinary people stand up and speak as if this was the last thing they could ever share with the world. Political rants and 5-step success plans are strictly off the table here. You can't tell the audience what they should do with their life, only share aspects of yours which feel more true than any Tony Robbins tribute act could manage.

Now Jon's somehow agreed to give his own One Last Talk– but what should it be about, and how do you know when it's the right time to do it?

• Willpower: do we have a finite amount?
• Why freelancers shouldn't quote
• Assuming positive intent and why
• Commercialising enlightenment
• How to give genuinely helpful advice

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Do you find yourself repeating the same negative patterns in life? Finding yourself in the same argument with your partner, friends or colleagues? Or maybe reacting to stress with the same emotionally destructive fire, which you always end up bitterly regretting afterwards?

To understand how we humans tick and why these patterns can dominate and strangle our lives, first we have to confront the uncomfortable truth: we are all fundamentally irrational.

This episode, we explore why that's true, why we constantly try to pretend it's not, and what we can do to be better, happier and more effective humans. In it, we confront and begin to unshackle ourselves from our inner tyrant: the roiling emotions which secretly control and often enslave us.

Unlike The 48 Laws of Power, Robert Greene's new book is not so much about how to get other people to do what you want, but how to get yourselfto do what your rational mind truly desires.

So what does it mean to worship the rational, as the Ancient Greeks did during the height of their civilisation? As we dig deeper into the topic, we realise that there's a danger, too, in taking rationality too far. Without emotion, we can become sociopaths, or we find ourselves in a state of paralysis by analysis.

Robert takes us on an epic tour of the hidden biases which undermine our ability to be rational, from confirmation and group bias to the bizarre and dangerous consequences of the 'halo effect'. Do you know why you make decisions? Do you stop and consider where your emotional reactions are actually coming from?

What if we think about everyone we encounter as a salesman of sorts, peddling their particular views and desires and pressuring us to impulsively buy-in? The Laws of Human Naturehelps us to learn that we should never impulse-buy on the doorstep. But we also have to think of the emotional forces within us the same way: don't succumb to their wiles as they try to sell you the same old reactive and destructive patterns that you've probably been playing with since childhood.

Robert teaches us how to observe the clues to our own and others' natures; to analyse our emotions down to their roots and discover their true origins... and, in the process, how to Know Thyself.

Along the way, Jon and Andrea share some (often painful) moments where their emotions and biases took control; why they've given up on trying to change other people; and what it means to exist on purpose.

• The ancient Greek concept of nousand why it can save your life
• Why men often transmute all strong emotions into anger
• Identifying your emotional salesman – and getting them in line!
• Making your mind a safe space
• The power of assuming positive intent

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Time for a catch-up episode in which Andrea recounts what happened during the first psychedelic trip he's taken in quite some time, how the Disney film Moanamight be the most important thing we've ever seen, and why immigrants are often the best people you'll ever meet. Jon dispels the myths surrounded 'digital nomadism', and we talk about how and why we should seek to build our own, modern tribes.

This one's been a bit delayed due to work commitments and Jon being very unwell for the past few weeks. So, please bear with us as we attempt to resume normal service (and sanity) in the near future!

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Welcome to the beginning of our new in-depth series on the work of Robert Greene, one of the most important and successful authors to explore what makes us human... and how we can all learn to do it better.

Andrea describes Robert's new book, The Laws of Human Nature, as 'the distillation of how to be a human being... and not to let it get to you'.

The book and this podcast series are the ultimate guide to fulfilling the eternal challenge to 'Know Thyself'. It's the handbook for learning to 'see the Matrix' and reshape the source code.

We've all been born human, but we never got the instruction manual. Robert Greene defines 'human nature' essentially as the emotions and evolutionarily-developed instincts which continue to control us, largely without our conscious minds ever knowing it.

This approach is what makes The Laws of Human Natureso different – and so much richer – than The 48 Laws of Power. Both volumes begin with the pointed assertion that we go through life often at the mercy of other people: the manipulative boss, the cheating spouse, or the two-faced friends. Unless we learn to read between the lines and not take everything and everyone at face value, we'll be victims of power games all our lives. But this book immediately flips the script and emphasises that we also have to work on ourselves.

If the Laws of Power got a bad rep for allegedly making you a Machiavellian manipulator, this book forces you to confront your darkest sides with shocking and often painful honesty. We're all on the spectrum of narcissism; we all have a shadow side; we all have negative patterns that we fall into time and time again.

Don't you want to escape those patterns and start rewriting the code of the Matrix you're currently trapped inside? As Robert says, if you ignore the laws – if you ignore your human nature – you're merely dooming yourself to a life spent repeating the same negative and destructive patterns. And if you try to hide from your own shadow, you become a virus in your own operating system, constantly in denial about your true nature.

This series will also mark the end of your attempts to be 'authentic'. The cult of authenticity has been growing for some time in today's culture, but it's completely misleading: you're not only one thing, and you're not going to get far in life or make many friends if you're unable to adapt your behaviour to different contexts. Finding your 'identity' is one thing; believing that you then need to wrap it up in a neat bow and shove it down people's throats is something else...

That's not what The Laws of Human Natureis about. As we continue Voices in the Dark's mission of Learning How To Human, this series promises to help you become a more intuitive, empathetic person, whom others will want to be around. This is about recognising your darkness and becoming an integrated, actualised human being. As Robert puts it, you are about to begin an apprenticeship in human nature.

So it's time to don your oxygen mask before helping others... The only downside is that this oxygen mask is filled with the darkest parts of your own shadow! Strap in – things are about to get real...

• Your shadow side, and how to find it
• Cat psychology as the key to our own neurology
• Who are you without other people?
• The difference between manners and etiquette – and why it matters
• If J.K. Rowling wrote a self-help book
• Are Autistic people living their own shadow?

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Jon's back in London because, in strange symmetry, his grandfather died shortly after Andrea's. So, we decided to make a mixed episode in which we finish off Think & Grow Richand add some further reflections on what life is in the face of death and how we become who we are, with or without the aid of self-help.

In short, we've decided it's time to take Napoleon Hill to the wood shed and put him down. His book is the foundation stone of the self-help industry, and as such it's also a raw source which highlights many of that genre's shortcomings.

In reading it, we realise we've reached a point in our lives where it feels like we've seen all the self-help genre has to offer. There's certainly still plenty of space for books which explore the human condition, philosophically, psychologically and otherwise, but when it comes to self-programming and trying to find The One True System to Achieve Your Dreams... there's only so much this field has to offer. More problematically, what it offers always seems to be a one-size-fits-all approach which ignores the rich variety of human experience.

In truth, not all brains work the same. Some people can't visualise, for example, and others are never going to be inspired by having the sergeant-major-yelling-at-you-until-you-succeed model. And even the same people need to take different approaches according to the context they're in. So, while there's nuggets of wisdom to be garnered from Napoleon Hill and others, we still need to remember that, above all, being able to flow – to be like water, as Bruce Lee put it – is the most important quality for leading the good life.

In the aftermath of self-help, Andrea has some simple but very real life advice for us to consider:

Try to keep going as long as you can. Try not to get too down, but it's fine if you do. Try be as likeable as possible. And, someday, you might make it. That's it – the rest is just decoration.

If people like you and you keep going, you might get lucky enough to know the right person at the right time for one of your opportunities to pan out. That's about it; that's how life works.

That might not sound as seductive as a 5-step system or the secret key that unlocks the mysteries of success, but maybe it's a healthier, truer perspective which doesn't pile on the pressure so much and make us judge ourselves so harshly.

And then it's time to consider life through the lens of death. Jon shares the emotional experience of being at his grandfather's funeral and walking around his house, looking at the artefacts of a life of a person who's now gone forever. We talk about how to make sense of ourselves in relation to others, and what it means to remember a person accurately when we can never truly know the 'complete' person.

Jon's dad gave a beautiful speech at the funeral, about how he's coming to terms with his relationship to his own father and what it feels like to see his face in the mirror each morning. We've never finished a podcast with both of us in tears before, so this one's a special episode for us. Thanks for listening.

• Long-distance (podcasting) relationships
• Is self-help just a religion for the self-involved?
• When being open-minded is a bad thing
• How emotions shape the stories we tell ourselves (and why we should ignore them)

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This episode is a long overdue catch-up. We cover a lot of ground across the worlds of culture, censorship, sex and psychology. But it's also about grief. Andrea's grandfather died recently and he opens up about the experience of losing someone for the first time with whom he was truly close.

Before that, we catch up with Jon and what it's like living the 'digital nomad' life in Chiang Mai. If the internet has made it childishly simple to connect with people in new places, it seems that this can just as easily result in tribalism rather than finding your tribe. We wonder why expat communities can be so toxic and question whether people who adopt a 'nomad' lifestyle are often those who just can't stick around too long in one place because they're fundamentally obnoxious.

All the same, Jon's still been meeting some interesting people – including some who are 'clearly' gay but don't seem to have realised it. What should you do in situations like these – stage an intervention? Launch a mixed orgy to help turn the lights on for these people? Given that facial recognition software can now accurately tell if someone's gay, is it really going too far to say gaydar is a real thing and might come with some moral responsibilities (to stage orgies)?

As we descend deeper into these sexual waters, Andrea unleashes his latest concept: #MeThree. This is when you're witnessing a nonconsensual activity, but you're really not sure what to do about it. How can you tell if it's your place to step in, or if you've just got the wrong end of the non-innuendo-filled stick?

But if you don't step in, maybe you'll end up being shamed. We live in a culture rife with social shaming, but Andrea argues this is ultimately a good thing – and a timeless practice, to boot. After all, aren't we rather naive to think that just because we're no longer offended by things our parents considered taboo, that we're now ready to accept anything? Jon feels leery around Andrea's solution of self-censorship, which leads to a deep riff on the limits of personal freedom and expression.

And then we come to death, after which personal freedoms and the hang-ups of everyday life can seem thoroughly irrelevant. Andrea describes his first funeral experience and the powerful emotions it brought up for him. He describes his guilt and frustration that he hadn't seen his grandfather for several years because he'd been waiting for the 'right moment' – the moment when you feel you've got your life together enough that you can visit your relatives and they can feel happy and proud of you when you tell them how things are going. But how much does that really matter when time runs out?

We also talk about the inextricability of humour and grief; the idea that death is a crime against the Arts, because, ultimately, a person's life is a work of art; and we consider what our own funerals might look like.

• Why it scientifically only makes sense to drive on the left
• Demystifying dropshipping
• Men's groups and secret homos
• Fisting as an intervention strategy
• Faking your own funeral

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We're filled with sexual energy, and it's down to us to harness this force and use it to transform our creative and business efforts into 'genius'-level achievements! At least, that's what Napoleon Hill tells us... but it becomes increasingly clear over the course of the chapter that he may have had a pretty hefty sex-drive and potentially shaped his philosophy to justify it to himself.

So, can you use sexual energy to fuel success in life? Or is Think and Grow Richat its heart The Book of Mormonfor self-help-loving entrepreneurs? The book's cult-like nature is certainly on full display here – after all, no cult would be complete without some weird sex stuff...

Still, there's a reason this book is a perennial bestseller and we try to understand why and to flag up the parts which make sense and those which might lead you (horribly) astray. Napoleon haphazardly tries to emphasise the value of finding a Muse, for example, which is a fascinating subject (but not without its own pitfalls).

We think sex drive emerges out of broader life success, rather than being its essential fuel. It's hard to think of sex when you're in the midst of trying to make the rent, after all, so maybe Napoleon got things a little back-to-front...

All of which leads us into a deep discussion about whether the modern push for men to express their feelings is actually a good thing. Andrea thinks it may be a self-indulgent exercise which leads nowhere, but Jon strongly disagrees.

Does talking achieve anything, or are we just getting lost in the self-help vortex of always buying the next book, rather than putting the lessons into action?

This might be our final instalment of Think and Grow Rich, so let us know what you make of this iconic (and weird) chapter, and how the series has affected you overall.

• The curse of YouTube and Flanders-isation
• Why women should have sex before sports
• Don't check your privilege – use it for good!
• Unleashing the Philosopher's Bone
• The elephant and the rider

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• Or email us: [email protected]