Voices in the Dark

What would you do if your physiotherapist's hands started wandering? Would you even know howto say 'stop'? Could you be sure something sexual was actually taking place before it was too late? And what if it wassexual and you wished it hadn't happened afterwards?

This happened to Jon not so long ago. He's still not sure what to think about it. The physiotherapist in question has now been put on the sex-offenders' register. So what the hell is Jon meant to make of this experience now?

That's our starting point for this episode. How does consent work? Is there a place for confusion in sexual scenarios? And is society falling short in giving us the tools to understand and cope with unwanted sexual scenarios?

This is complex territory. Everything is about sex except sex. Because sex is about power. That's Andrea's argument and it leaves Jon feeling rather different about the experience. Does a greater awareness of the 'therapist's intention make Jon feel like a victim? Would that mean you become a victim through reflection rather than through the an experience itself?

These issues can affect anyone, but there's also deeply-rooted cultural ideas at play. Many of us would assume that a man can always say 'no', that he can't be manipulated and put into sexual situations he doesn't know how to control or change. This episode, we challenge those assumptions head-on.

In doing so, we put forward some tools for how to cope with situations like this if they arise. Simply having a model to refer to in the midst of the panic and confusion can go a long way to ensuring a better (if not ideal) outcome.

We then move on to explore the fundamental aspects of another key source of confusion in our social (and sexual) lives: Narcissism. It's a tough diagnosis to pin down, but we've come across the perfect summary:

The Narcissist's PrayerThat didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, it's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.

We unpack this 'prayer' and also challenge you (and ourselves) to reflect on the Trump in all of us.

• We'll be chatting about the episode on our Facebook Discussion Group
• And you can find us on Instagramand Twitter
• Or email us: [email protected]

This week's foray into the world of Napoleon Hill's Think and Grow Rich is all about the subtle art of making decisions. Procrastination is the destroyer of so many dreams, but how can we successfully combat it? What makes a 'good decision', anyway, and how can we prime ourselves to make them on the regular?

The stakes are higher than they might at first seem. If you are ultimately the sum of the decisions you make, then procrastination is a failure to besomething. Decisions in a sense constitute your identity and, if you're no good at making them, you end up sleepwalking your way into a life you never chose because you just kept on rolling with the defaults.

Napoleon Hill thinks we should make decisions quickly, but then be very slow to alter those decisions later. Jon's not so sure, but as we dissect examples from history and from our own lives, we begin to make sense of this notion. Maybe the ideal rule of thumb is: don't make quick decisions, but make decisions quickly.

Still, there's a lot of dangerous advice out there in the self-help field from coaches who incite you to make immediate and irrevocable change immediately. Sure, you're never going to have 'perfect' information from which to make a decision with 100% confidence, but it's still important to consciously decide what you needto know before pulling the trigger.

And yet, part of the problem we face as we grow older is that we accumulate so many knocks and too much experience of things going wrong, which then stands in the way of us making firm and quick decisions... Being trapped in other people's opinions is another life-hazard that it can be hard to escape.

But don't worry – this episode will provide you with some practical advice and insights to help you overcome paralysis through analysis and getting stuck swimming in the soup of other people's opinions.

Some decisions – and maybe the most important – are ultimately about setting boundaries. The boundaries that, if other people cross them, result in very clearly-defined actions. You broke my trust? This romantic relationship is over. You refuse to accept my time is worth this money? Then I can't continue this relationship without cheapening myself.

We also challenge you to recognise that you will never get to the end of all the work or duties you have to do. And, with that in mind, you must make the time you need to do positive things for yourself. There is no final mountain you will climb, on which you'll suddenly have all the time you've been craving to care for and develop yourself. Procrastination is just what we do out of a desperate desire to serve these needs. Decisions are what we do in order to take those things we deserve and desire.

• There's no such thing as 'the right choice'
• Taking advice while remaining true to yourself
• How the Unconscious shapes our decisions
• Where to place your Grief Fountain
• Active listening – what it is and why you need to master it
• Going vegan for an easy life

• We'll be chatting about the episode on our Facebook Discussion Group
• And you can find us on Instagramand Twitter
• Or email us: [email protected]

It's 2019 and that means it's time for our annual catch-up and reflection episode as we contemplate how the year's gone, what we achieved, what we didn't, and where we see the podcast (and our lives) going in the future!

This is the first episode we've recorded since Jon moved to Thailand, so Andrea grills him on what life is actually like halfway round the world, and what the realities are of this whole 'digital nomad' thing.

So far, Jon's dodged a typhoon, failed to see Bangkok, and is already wondering if all digital nomads are essentially confidence hucksters...

We also discuss our (lack of) New Year's Resolutions, why 'going towards the fear' is often a really bad idea, and which laws Jon's breaking at present...

• We'll be chatting about the episode on our Facebook Discussion Group
• And you can find us on Instagramand Twitter
• Or email us: [email protected]

When it comes to self-help, everyone loves a good old fashioned list, and Napoleon Hill, as the man who practically invented the genre, has got plenty of them.

But this list is particularly important. Here he delves into the most common causes of failure in life – the things which cheat us of our true potential. You'll recognise many items on this list, whether you brought them upon yourself, became the unwitting victim of them, or have watched others around you fall foul of their malignant influence. But recognising them and taking action are two different things; realising your success shoelaces are undone isn't the same as fastening them before you start sprinting towards your goals!

Still, this extensive series on Think and Grow Richis designed to take a sceptical and reflective look at Napoleon Hill's advice, and we've got quite a lot of bones to pick with him here. How exactly are we supposed to overcome an 'unfavourable hereditary background', for example, and what the hell is Napoleon's obsession with 'transmuting' sex energy?

Still, some of the advice hits closer to home for Jon and Andrea when Napoleon turns his critical eye on spending habits and the fear of taking big steps into the unknown...

Did you recognise some of these 30 Causes of Failure from your own life? Does recognising their existence change how you think about the future? What're you going to do to make sure your success shoelaces are suitably fastened?? Let us know through the links below!

• We'll be chatting about the episode on our Facebook Discussion Group
• And you can find us on Instagramand Twitter
• Or email us: [email protected]

The second instalment of our still-not-quite-entitled catch-up series in which Jon and Andrea discuss everything that's been hitting their radars over the past week.

This week, we trash gender studies, take a deep dive into what makes movies great, and Andrea tries to explain how he ended up at a major international event at which Nigerian leaders invited the rest of the world to come and pillage their natural resources.

What makes a good leader? What makes a bad one? We certainly know the difference when we have to work for them, but do we really know what it takes to cultivate and sustain respect?

In this episode of our series dissecting Napoleon Hill's perennial classic, Think and Grow Rich, we delve into the crucial differences between power and influence, leaders and followers, and the myriad definitions of 'quitting'.

Although this chapter of Napoleon's book seems to have been written with a flak cannon, there's still a surprising amount of practical, actionable advice to be gleaned. There's pointers on how to get your dream job, how to market your skills and services as a freelancer (particularly useful for Jon as he embraces/sinks under the freelance lifestyle), and some of the nitty-gritty of setting up your Mastermind Group. As ever, we don't agree with everything Napoleon has to say, and we try to guide you to the nuggets of wisdom hidden amidst the sometimes outdated, sometimes outright dangerous advice.

For a book that's often been cast as a leadership manual, there's a surprising amount about cooperation and consent in this chapter. Which is welcome news, because you're going to need some help to implement Napoleon's vague advice about planning ('make a plan; if it doesn't work, make another').

We also home in on what loyalty really means, whether quitting is sometimes the right strategy, and we set about rehabilitating the concept of Personal Honour!

• The truth about London Real
• Are in-person meetings still important in the digital age?
• Why loyalty matters
• Is dressing for success a real thing?
• Lessons in leadership from Joseph Stalin

• We'll be chatting about the episode on our Facebook Discussion Group
• And you can find us on Instagramand Twitter
• Or email us: [email protected]

With Jon moving to Thailand in the next few weeks, we've decided to start a new regular series where we catch up, share our experiences and dig deep into the cool and weird ideas and situations we've been encountering. You, dear listeners, have repeatedly asked us to share more of what we get up to in life and in the making of the show, so here – finally – is what you've been asking for!

For this first episode, Jon talks about the psychological and emotional challenges of switching to freelancing. Without the reassurance of a monthly pay-cheque he's having to deal with a constant stream of challenges that push all of his insecurity buttons: bartering, drawing boundaries with disrespectful clients, taking on daunting projects with tight deadlines, and much more besides. Freelancing is meant to bring greater freedom in life, but when you're hustling to make a few bucks, how do you carve out the time to actually enjoy that 'freedom'?

And what about Thailand? Would you be willing to travel long-term? What're the pain-points of embracing a digital nomad lifestyle?

In this episode, we also get deep into social psychology: Jon's been watching Derren Brown shows which expose just how susceptible we all are to social pressure and social conformity – even to the point of committing horrifying acts of violence. We talk about how to avoid being controlled by other people, highlight key psychological experiments that reveal how easily manipulated we can be, and how to deal with cultural differences without defaulting to stereotypes.

Plus, Andrea's had a personal revelation: he finally understands some of the core tenets of Stoicism and how impermanence and meaning are emotionally connected in our minds. Needless to say, this swiftly becomes part of Andrea's New Ten Commandments.

• Derren Brown's incredible shows, Sacrificeand The Pushon Netflix

We've been talking about Napoleon Hill's wildly popular self-help book, Think and Grow Rich, for the past few weeks, but whatever we make of the text itself, the question remains: Does this stuff actually work?

So this week we've got a treat for you – our guest, the brilliant poet and writer JJ Bitters, tells us exactly what happened to him when he decided to spend a whole year doing everythingNapoleon Hill instructs us to do!

First of all, JJ used it to battle depression, but this specific goal swiftly evolved into a much greater journey. After years of OD'ing on self-help books and being frustrated by the lack of results, JJ's Think and Grow Richadventure rapidly eroded his natural scepticism and confronted him with a series of seemingly impossible coincidences and surprises. Or, as he puts it, weird shit started happening pretty damn quickly!

We try to make sense of what happened to JJ throughout that year and, in the process, we explain how affirmations really canwork, what cultivating a MasterMind group means in practice, and how to drink your own kool aid without doing yourself serious damage.

In a sense, JJ created his own belief system, but that always comes with enormous risks. He went through crises of faith, anger, and more depression; he realised he was becoming unhealthily focused on money at the cost of his happiness. But, ultimately, his Think and Grow Richexperiment fostered positive behavioural and emotional change, and left him a better person than when he began.

If we could pick just one takeaway from this awesome conversation, it's that all self-help should be used as a tool, not as a religion.

• JJ's beautiful Instagrampage
• JJ's fundamental affirmation: 'I love life, I love myself, and I love all others'

• Making affirmations for what you dowant, rather than what you don't
• Developing a healthy relationship with money
• The best day of JJ's life
• When Napoleon Hill interviewed the Devil
• Blacking out with Rick and Morty

• We'll be chatting about the episode on our Facebook Discussion Group
• And you can find us on Instagramand Twitter
• Or email us: [email protected]

This week we explore Napoleon Hill's theories about using the power of the imagination in order to Think and Grow Rich. Without an active, well-oiled imagination, we don't dream big, we don't make plans, and therefore we never take action.

But, this being Napoleon Hill, he takes things to the next level very quickly. In short, Napoleon thinks we're capable of creating anythingwe can imagine. How can that be possible? Jon's sceptical, but Andrea thinks that if we take the longer view, as a species we're capable of immense things. The problem, though, is that if we read self-help books and think that we as individualscan visualise anythingand see it come to pass in our lifetimes, we're at serious risk of losing perspective.

Napoleon believes there's two kinds of imagination – synthetic and creative. Synthetic imagination is just about shuffling around existing ideas and knowledge, while creative imagination, he thinks, magically emerges from vibrations between people's subconsciouses. Modern brain science tells us otherwise and we highlight the dangers of trying to imagine there's a divine providence behind hunches and intuition. It might give us a boost of confidence, but it's ultimately disempowering to think that our lives are driven by some kind of mysterious god-force rather than by taking personal responsibility for what we do.

It's true that our imaginations are incredibly powerful – we really can make our own realities. But that power is neutral and therefore needs to be handled carefully and consciously – because we can just as easily imagine that we're immensely talented when we've done no work to develop ourselves as it is to believe our ideas really are worth putting out in the world. And if you come to believe there's a personal God (what Napoleon calls 'Infinite Intelligence') watching over you, then you can all too easily slip into megalomania.

Overall, Napoleon's advice is like taking cocaine. He wants to blast you into emotional ecstasies of self-belief, but we think there's a healthier way to take his advice than snorting line after line of autosuggestion.

But what are we really growing rich for? If economists 100 years ago were happily looking forward to massive rises in the standard of living, can we honestly look at our lives today and say that we're appreciatingit, rather than always wanting more? Do our modern societies even value leisure and social time, rather than working harder and harder?

Jon's moving to Thailand, partly to exit this kind of cultural mentality. But this raises some questions about how we make and understand big decisions in life. Is this a conscious choice to improve his life and wellbeing? If so, how does that gel with current scientific theories which tell us that our conscious 'decision-making' minds are basically just the press secretary for our deeper, reptile brains? If we really take action based on underlying, unconscious instincts that the conscious mind only 'explains' afterwards, what does it really mean to make a premeditated choice?

At the end of the episode, we think we crack open the reality of what Think and Grow Rich is really all about. It's not a manual for wealth-creation, it's a handbook about creating charisma. Do you agree? Let us know!

• Fetishising vibrations
• The dangers of 'sciencology'
• The imaginative power of Arnold's biceps
• Taking action without needing to believe in the magic of belief
• Hard work: ultimately pointless?
• Is Apple evil?

• We'll be chatting about the episode on our Facebook Discussion Group
• And you can find us on Instagramand Twitter
• Or email us: [email protected]

This week we tackle two chapters from Napoleon Hill's perennial bestseller, Think and Grow Rich, which focus on the importance of (you guessed it) auto-suggestion, but also on the importance of the right kind of knowledge.

We need knowledge to achieve anything, but Napoleon insists that we don't waste time on any knowledge which can't be directly put to use for some greater purpose.

As he puts it:

Knowledge is not power. Knowledge is only potential power.

– Napoleon Hill

So what's it to be – become a jack of all trades, or specialise in some particular field? Napoleon thinks we can outsource the issue – create a MasterMind group of specialists whom you can rely on to fill the gaps in your own knowledge, and he cites Henry Ford as a prime example.

Because, for Napoleon, being 'educated' doesn't mean knowing a lot of things – it means knowing what you needin order to put your plans into action.

But we're not so sure. Napoleon Hill not only contradicts himself repeatedly in this chapter, but he's writing for a world very different from ours. Today, specialisation is the norm; to stand out, you've got to bring more to the table. The model of the Renaissance Man is much more convincing: creating something new requires the ability to cross-pollinate ideas from different fields, mixing together different kinds of specialist knowledge. Napoleon wouldn't approve, but we're not convinced he'd be successful in 2018.

And what about MasterMind groups, which are ubiquitous these days? Today, the challenge is finding one which isn't filled with people who're in exactly the same situation as you: if you want to grow, you can't be the smartest person in the room. So we've got some practical suggestions for how to upgrade your knowledge and social circle in ways which are much less slimey than heading to yet another networking seminar or simply using other people for their knowledge.

Join a cigar club. You heard. We explain why in the episode, but trust us on this.

We also break down Napoleon's inaccurate ideas about brain science and self-programming; the dangers of motivating yourself through emotional trickery; and we start to wonder whether growing rich should really be the focus for any of us at all. If the 'happy ending' stories of Think and Grow Richare that you become a local accountant or a door-to-door salesperson, we're not ready to get on board...

• Don't be Steven Seagal
• Leap before you look?
• Why you should never make assumptions
• Is specialised knowledge still cheap in 2018?
• The modern serfdom: the Protestant work ethic

• Jon's appearance on The Road to Now podcast
• Robert Greene's book, Mastery

• We'll be chatting about the episode on our Facebook Discussion Group
• And you can find us on Instagramand Twitter
• Or email us: [email protected]