Voices in the Dark

Why do flame wars happen? Why are so many people on the Left shutting down free speech through no-platforming? Do Social Justice Warriors even know what they're trying to do? How can we have conversations with people we don't like without it degenerating into an emotional bloodbath? This week, we try to answer all these questions and more as we dig into Letter 48 from Seneca (unexcitingly titled 'On Quibbling as Unworthy of a Philosopher').

Seneca's words eerily predict our own times, walking on eggshells for fear of offending someone. Sometimes it can feel like the only thing that can be said with impunity is 'you can't speak because of who you are'.

But that's no way to live, and certainly no way to improve mutual understanding. If we can't talk about extreme or inflammatory issues, we shrink the spectrum of our experience and become offended by even the most minor issues. If we don't expose ourselves to bacteria, we never build a strong immune system. In the same way, we growthrough offence – we grow by exposing ourselves to challenging people and situations.

What does it really mean to have a knee-jerk reaction to other people? Most of the time, the answers lie within us: we project onto others the things we're most worried about in our own lives, from our weight to personality traits that we don't like or have been conditioned to think are 'bad'.

It's easy to dismiss people with different views as stupid. But what does stupidity mean? People aren't stupid because they haven't read tons of books or collected stacks of degrees. It's a lack of curiosity, often combined with a deep sense of certainty that they knowwhat's right. Stupidity isn't lack of knowledge, it's a refusal to recognise the limits of what we know and to be curious enough to challenge those limits.

But book-style intelligence can go horribly wrong, too. This is what Seneca calls 'quibbling' – getting caught up on specific words and definitions which hamstring our ability to ever actually say anything. Jon challenges Andrea on his tendency to do just this, and in the process we learn how to have better conversations.

Part of the problem is that words mean different things to different people; a huge number of arguments and enmities stem from simple miscommunication and misunderstanding. So we've got a few actionable tips on how to side-step these dramas and manage to open up channels to real communication and understanding.

But before the quibbling begins, we need to know the purposeof it. Is the aim of it to improve mutual understanding or get to some kind of positive outcome, or do you just want give yourself social brownie points? Are you trying to have a conversation, or just to virtue signal and hashtag your way into more Facebook likes?

We also delve into some broader psychological mechanisms that can seriously screw us over in social situations. Jon opens up about his tendency to push people away when he's struggling to feel good in himself: it can feel easier to deal with negative thoughts and feelings without drawing anyone else into the picture and worrying about how you're affecting them too. But in the process, we end up isolating ourselves even further and rejecting love because we're (currently) feeling unworthy of it.

But it's not all darkness and despair by any means. We also have time to talk about breathing in Julius Caesar's farts, Jon's poor wardrobe choices, and our ambitions to destroy the TV evening news.

• Suicide as an expression of free will
• A powerful antidote to envy
• Why people on TV are animated corpses
• How to notmake yourself a victim
• When did 'normal' become a dirty word?

• Jon's finally released his book! Check it out on Amazon USor UK!
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• The full text for freeon WikiSource
• Our new Sex & Relationshipsepisodes!

The devil is in the detail... and that's the problem. This week is about not becoming obsessed with detail at the expense of actually doing or creating something yourself. It's about not trying to control things by over-planning and over-preparing, lest you want to spend your whole life getting 'ready' to live.

Drawing on the horrifically-named Letter 45, 'On Sophistical Argumentation', we lay down a challenge for you to find the courage to put yourself out into the world and trysome of those plans we know you've been hatching all these years.

Lucilius doesn't think he's ready, though. He's complaining that he doesn't have enough books to be the man he wants to be, so he comes to his mentor Seneca for help. But old man Seneca doesn't respond well: stop reading indiscriminately and stop trying to find the answers to your questions solely in the works of other people, he berates his charge.

There is no perfect book or perfect solution that will fix all your problems and salve all your fears. Wanna know a secret? Whatever you read or experience, when you're asking good questions of yourself and world, answers start to turn up regardless. You've primed yourself, and suddenly ideas and insights can start cropping up when you're scanning the nutritional info on your cereal box, so there's no need to spend your life trying to read through your local library.

But the temptation and allure of finding the one book or person who can lead us to salvation remains. It can be hard to avoid jumping on a guru's bandwagon at some point in our lives. Don't get us wrong, being excited and inspired by an author or speaker can be very positive... but not if you start entirely abdicating your mental faculties to them (as so many Jordan Peterson fans are doing these days). Nobody has all the answers, which is why Seneca refuses to send Lucilius a stash of his collected works.

The aim is to seed your mind, not to fill it.

The flip-side of this can be just as dangerous, though. Living a life based on the rejectionof a particular person or school of thought is like burning coal: it's not a sustainable or healthy fuel source for your life. You're not free if you're only defining yourself againstpeople you dislike – something Jon's experienced first hand in his own personal journey.

And along with all that, Seneca still has time to exhort us not to wrongly label unhelpful perceptions in order to make ourselves feel better. Are you scared but calling it prudence? Are you a dick, but calling yourself strong-willed?

And there's time to, well, debate the nature of time; whether 'good' and 'necessary' are always the same thing; and what the very best way of having sex in a library would be.

• How to not drown in knowledge
• Does cleaning your room help people as much as Jordan Peterson would have us believe?
• Getting tricked by online marketers (time to tame your brain!)
• Stop calling time the only finite resource: it's subjective!
• Playing morality Jenga

• Jon's finally released his book! Check it out on Amazon USor UK!
• Come discuss the show in our Facebook Group
• Hit us up on Instagram!
• The full text for freeon WikiSource
• Our new Sex & Relationshipsepisodes!

Consent. We intuitively think it should be simple – 'yes or no?' – but the Me Too movement and the maelstrom of Hollywood abuse scandals show us just how naive that idea is.

So we need to talk about it. This episode we explore what consent is, how it works, and when it all gets confusing, strange, and scary.

This is a very challenging subject to get into, because many people have had profoundly hurtful, damaging and confusing experiences directly related to issues of sexual consent (or lack thereof). So, we'd like to emphasise this is a conversation – we don't think we're 'right', but we'd like to share our thoughts, concerns and experiences in good faith, and hope you'll join the conversation to share your own perspectives over on our Facebook Discussion Group.

By having more conversations about consent, we can try to understand it better – not least because so many of the problems that come up are a result of a breakdownin communication.

First off, while there's many well-intention campaigns in full swing today trying to fight back against forceful sexual behaviour, in some quarters the pendulum has swung too far. Some people are effectively trying to make the world better by making 'sure' that sex is so carefully socially controlled that no one can ever end up in an ambiguous situation that could turn nasty.

But sexuality and sexual behaviour areambiguous – we're exploring what we do (and might) want; we're trying to understand if someone else wants to have an experience with us, and we aregoing to make mistakes along the way.

And we're all different. One person's sexual heaven is another's idea of absolute hell, and we need to remember that when we start trying to make too many rules and absolutes. Again, communication is fundamental.

'Just say no' isn't very good advice, however, because it doesn't give us a sense of just how difficult it is to do. Not simply out of fear, but because when someone is trying to force themselves on you, it can feel so surreal ('this can't really be happening') that you freeze and simply don't have the ability to speak or even to make sense of the situation.

Jon shares some personal stories, including the time he was sexually assaulted in Moscow, and just how confusing that experience was for him. He also didn't realise until quite recently that he's still carrying the after-effects: he finds it very difficult to unleash his spontaneous sexual side without associating doing so with shame, danger, and fear.

Does intoxication make it impossible to consent? Many people think so, but how realistic or reasonable is it to think that a couple of drinks makes you incapable of knowing your own mind? More troublingly, it seems that men aren't included in this reckoning: if a man and woman are both drunk, the man isn't usually considered to have been incapable of consent.

What about when we dowant something to happen, but we've been so loaded with cultural shame around wanting sex (especially casual, in the moment sex) that we won't let ourselves experiment? Sometimes it's surprisingly difficult to say yeswithout getting caught up in internal stories about what sort of person you do or don't want to be.

Sometimes we don't even know if a situation ispotentially sexual – how can we consent when we're not sure if the sexual dynamic is just in our heads? Again, Jon's got a personal story of an unexpected happy-ending massage which he still doesn't know what to think or feel about.

We also dig into the issue of asymmetrical power relations, from Harvey Weinstein to Louis CK. This is not just about direct threats, but simply being in a position of authority over someone else means it's incredibly difficult for them to say no for fear of the consequences.

To wrap things up, we've got some suggestions for ways to say no which are easier and less abrasive than 'just say no', but like we said at the top – we want to hear your feedback, thoughts and questions. This is an immensely complex subject, but one which it's absolutely essential we talk about, together.

• White Knight Syndrome
• Language vs. intent
• Prostitute inductions
• Why fantasies shouldn't always come true

• Check out our conversation with Carsie Blantonabout 'being open'

Centuries before the arrival of social media and rolling news channels, people were still chasing happiness and still finding themselves miserable as a result. Seneca picks apart the issue, pre-empting 21st century psychological and sociological studies, and his words of wisdom have a lot to teach us about how to actually enjoyour lives.

Lucilius has been whining to Seneca – he's unhappy in life, but is blaming circumstances, his upbringing and everyone else around him for how he's feeling. Seneca isn't impressed. The only person who can change how we respond to our lives is us... so how do we go about taking that responsibility effectively?

Drawing on Letter 44 ('On Philosophy and Pedigrees'), this week's episode digs into the perils of chasing fame and fortune, but also the very real hells we make for ourselves by trying to 'find' happiness and yet never quite feeling like we do.

What if we think of happiness as a disposition or an attitude? We can be miserable in the best of conditions, or happy in the worst, after all. Chasing happiness usually means chasing it the fuck away.

Part of the problem is that we so rarely pause to appreciate what we have. We finish a project or finally get past a roadblock, but if we immediately refocus on the next problem or goal, are we even giving ourselves time to enjoy those positive moments?

Andrea thinks having a team to help shoulder the burdens is key to feeling like things are going your way – but what can we do to face the world and pursue our dreams alone? Speaking of other people, how far is happiness a game of comparison? Jon's not convinced, but Andrea tries to win him round to a different way of thinking.

What about being popular? It's hard not to crave recognition and validation, but it can also seriously backfire on us if we come to depend on it. On the other hand, if we don't get feedback from the world around us to calibrate our actions, we'll never learn, grow, or maybe even feel that we have an impact on the world. It's a delicate balance and we share our thoughts on how to navigate it skilfully and successfully.

There's also time to wonder whether America is the worst place to be unhappy; we share the secret to escaping any maze; and Jon reveals his ultimate happiness fantasy.

• Having the tools isn't the same as using them
• Remembering to appreciate the day (and sharing that with others)
• Staying sane on social media
• Why surfing is life
• Opiate addiction: why is unhappiness being treated as an illness?

• Come discuss the show in our Facebook Group
• Hit us up on Instagram!
• The full text for freeon WikiSource
• Our new Sex & Relationshipsepisodes!

Is there anything more immediately disturbing than hearing that someone's been talking about you behind your back? Whatdid they say? Whydid they say it? But wait... why do we care so much any of this?

This episode is all about gossip and reputation; if you should care what other people say about you; and whether keeping some things secret from the world is ever a good idea. Letter 44, for once, has a decent title: 'On the Relativity of Fame'. Because everything to do with your personality is in the eye of the beholder (and that includes yours, too).

Seneca knows what Lucilius has been up to thanks to the Roman grapevine, but he warns his mentee not to dwell. It can be exciting to learn that anyone gives enough of a damn to talk about you, but it only makes a difference in life if it's happening in your back-yard. Gossip in Rome doesn't mean much if you live hundreds of miles away, but Seneca warns that toxic gossip from the people in your immediate circle can spell disaster. All the same, is 99% of gossip really dangerous, or is it just our over-sensitive egos getting their knickers in a twist?

Needless to say this rapidly leads us to talk about sex, which remains the hotbed (literally) of so much gossip and censure in our lives. Why does that happen in a modern world where there's so much less on the line – pregnancy, disease, property alliances – compared to Seneca's day?

Seneca seems to think that the only real solution is to live a completely virtuous life, because people are always somehow going to find out what you're up to. But we don't think that's quite the right take. This isn't about doing what society thinks you should do – no, it's about not doing things that youwouldn't want discovered. Live by your own values, so that even if people try to shame you for it, it simply washes off your back like so much KY Jelly.

All the same, some actions and habits really aren't relevant knowledge for other people in the world. We don't need to live as though the door to our private lives is always wide open, and repressing ourselves to fit the norm is a sure-fire recipe for suffering.

There's another trap waiting for us here, too. Many people struggle with the idea of 'growing up', thinking that it means disowning parts of their lives as they go along, trying to tell a completely unrealistic story of consistency from birth to death. 'That wasn't me!' they cry, as though their past actions are the same as their current identity. But that's not how life works: we can't meld all our actions into some kind of single, indivisible identity statement, or we'd never be able to grow, change and develop.

Somehow this also leads us into a discussion about sex changes and how we think we'd feel if we were in the 'wrong' body; Jon also shares gossip-ready stories about gay saunas and trying his hand at online cam shows; and Andrea plans his life as a really excellent woman.

• The problems with gay marriage
• Do you need the body of a woman to be a woman?
• What about your parents are you unconsciously rebelling against?

• Come discuss the show in our Facebook Group
• Hit us up on Instagram!
• The full text for freeon WikiSource
• Our new Sex & Relationshipsepisodes!
• The disturbing congressional run of Nathan Larson

This week it's all about power, corruption, jealousy and pride! Do the things you own end up owning you, or, despite everything Seneca tells us, are there some things which should always be saved if your house burns down?

But before all that, Lucilius has been hanging out with another philosopher and Seneca isn't pleased about it. This new dude seems to be claiming he's reached the dizzying heights of being a truly Good Man, trumpeting his achievements for all the world to hear. Lucilius is impressed; Seneca is pissed off.

Because there's an important difference between being comfortably secure in your achievements and (the mark of the insecure) feeling the need to shout your accolades from the rooftops. Who needs to tell youthey're a good man, or a born leader? These are things which must be shown.

Still, unless people like Lucilius's new BFF aren't corrected in their path, how are they ever going to grow? If you don't call out other people's bullshit, you're arguably being selfish. You're depriving those people of the valuable feedback they need from the world to – hopefully – correct their behaviour.

Once someone reaches a position of power, though, is there any way back after they've started straying from the path? The old adage that power corrupts has a lot of weight to it, but it's not quite that simple. It's not that power simply corrupts, but once you're in a position of power, you're also gradually deprived of negative feedback loops which can keep your worst impulses in check.

Leadership is ultimately about service to those you lead; individuals become leaders because other people want to follow them. Anything else is tyranny.

So how could we select politicians who aren't either attracted to or corrupted by the allure of power? We've got a few ideas, and only one of them is Andrea becoming God-Emperor of the world.

Seneca goes on to challenge us to think more carefully about 'wealth'. What is wealth? What makes someone truly wealthy? Winning the lottery often isn't the answer; unless you use money to buy yourself freedoms rather than responsibilities, it can all go horribly wrong.

Then Seneca grabs us by the shirt and reminds us how blind we can be to the very real costs we inflict on ourselves that don't involve money at all. We so often give ourselves and our time away at the price of anxiety and sleepless nights.

Taking on new commitments, objects and even relationships all come at a cost – but have we done the mental and emotional maths to decide whether these shiny new things really areworth the cost?

Wealth, in the end, depends on what you want. So have you taken the time to identify what that is?

Plus there's time to mention that one time Andrea almost killed the Queen ... and why ultimately we'd all live happier lives if we were cats.

• Does power corrupt or reveal a person?
• Leadership: it's about people wantingto follow you
• More money, more problems?
• If you only save one object from your burning house – what would it be?

• Come discuss the show in our Facebook Group
• The Queen's incredible parachute entranceat the London Olympics
• Hit us up on Instagram!
• The full text for freeon WikiSource
• Our new Sex & Relationshipsepisodes!

It's time to get spiritual this week as Stoicism starts to merge almost imperceptibly with an even more ancient philosophy: Buddhism. This is Letter 41: 'On the God within Us', and it not only draws us into the realm of motivation and growth, but also how we fundamentally value and think about ourselves.

The Buddha taught that we all have 'Buddha nature', and that much of the path to enlightenment (or 'the good life', as Seneca would call it) is about learning how to recognise it. This is a world away from Jordan Peterson's approach to self-development. For him, we're all fallen, disgusting creatures who can at best hope to pull ourselves a little way out of our own filth. But what if we thought of ourselves, not as fallen angels, but as rising apes?

But to do that, we need to take action. Seneca exhorts Lucilius not to just sit about moping and waiting for life to happen to him, but to get off his ass and do something. And for us in the modern world, a surprising amount of change and growth can happen simply by writing a few emails, making contacts, and asking for input.

Yet with modern technology taking us ever closer to Matrix-style downloads of knowledge, what might we lose along the way? Seneca insists that you have to do the hard work of learning to ever reap its benefits... and he might be right. Even if you could instantly 'know kung-fu', what happens to all the emotional growth which the dedication and discipline of doing it the old fashioned way can bring you?

This week's episode also takes us back to the centre of Stoicism, but shows it from a different perspective. Every external possession can be taken from us, so all that's truly 'ours' is our internal world. So why should we admire people for attributes which don't truly belong to them? Fancy clothes, big houses and TV shows aren't the core of what makes someone who they are. All the same, they might be expressions of what you've achieved...

Thankfully, we untie this philosophical knot be=y casting the world into two simple categories: people who admire the Kardashians and people who admire The Rock!

Because it's not about the bling, it's about being yourself. Whether it's Napoleon or you, it's ultimately all about being the most youyou can be. The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are, as Joseph Campbell put it, and in this episode we really dig down into what that means and how to apply it to your everyday life.

Jon also shares his experiences of cosmic unity while tripping on Huachuma in the Amazon and spending a month in a Buddhist monastery... and how they're all sort of Stoicism. And alongside trying to understand what makes sunsets appear so beautiful to us, Andrea admits he's been having dreams about Jon for years...

• Saying 'no' with panache
• How to own fight-or-flight moments
• Why love is like the sun
• Does it have soul?
• Baking hate cakes

• Come discuss the show in our Facebook Group
• Hit us up on Instagram!
• The full text for freeon WikiSource
• Our new Sex & Relationshipsepisodes!

This week Seneca's on the war path about oral. Communication, that is. Frustrated by Lucilius's admiration for a gabbling philosopher, Seneca lays out how to speak well and speak effectively in public and to others. This rapidly brings up a bunch of issues we face every day: how do we convince other people? How can we speak with ease and style? And how can we discern and disarm the bullshitters out there?

This comes from Letter 40, thrillingly entitled 'On the proper style for a philosopher's discourse', which, following Seneca's own advice, we've decided to translate as: 'speak proper, bruv'. (We also begin to seriously wonder whether Lucilius was just Seneca's imaginary friend – was he just a teddy bear propped up in the corner with a pile of fancily-titled letters next to him?)

First off, Seneca urges to think about the value of real personal connection, especially in the form of personal letters written to those you care about. While we're hyper connected in the modern world, the quality of that contact has diminished; brief yet constant text messages just don't carry the same emotional weight and power of connection that you get from a handwritten letter (or at least a thoughtfully written email).

But aside form nurturing the relationships that mean the most to us, there's also a strategic angle to play with here – keeping the warmth of personal contact going can come in handy when you actually need a hand from someone.

At its heart, this letter is about having something to say, rather than just saying something. And that touches on some quite primal fears for most people. Speaking in public is one of the greatest and most common fears out there, so we've got a few mental tips and tricks to more confidently get your thoughts across. And then to recognise when you're in the unpleasant company of someone who just feels the need to make mouth noises, rather than actually have a conversation.

Timing is a powerful tool, but often we fear silence – the sound of embarrassment and desperately searching for something to say. But if we can work on cadence and confidence, silence can be a potent part of storytelling – not something to be feared and shied away from. On the flipside, Jon shares his continuing struggle to master the art waiting, rather than bringing up whatever anxieties or issues that're on his mind right now...

This also brings us into the realm of bullshit artists, online marketers, and other hucksters who try to bamboozle and confuse you with fast-paced yet ultimately empty words. Tai Lopez, infamous internet marketer, is a prime example, and we challenge you to make any sense of his videos. They might be performance art, but they're empty of value and meaning. So why do so many people still put their hands in their pockets and throw money at him?

This kind of thing runs rampant in the self-help world, but so much of that domain is taken up not by value and content, but by the stress relief you feel by 'taking the step' of putting money down to attend the seminar or buy the book. Sound familiar?

We've got a bunch of personal stories to share from our own highs and lows when it comes to public speaking, and in the process of thinking about it royally fuck ourselves over as we start to notice every 'um' and 'ah' in the podcast. If you feel like counting them up for us... please don't.

• Improving the quality of your toilet time
• What would Dumbledore do?
• How not to use PowerPoint
• Self-help addiction

• Come discuss the show in our Facebook Group
• Hit us up on Instagram!
• The full text for freeon WikiSource
• Our new Sex & Relationshipsepisodes!

This week Seneca's got a thing or two to say about over-indulgence and ending up controlled by our vices. Drawing from Letter 39, 'On Noble Aspirations', we explore how to indulge without losing control; the value of moderation (but only in moderation); and whether it's really possible to become desensitised to anything.

First off, it seems Lucilius has asked Seneca for the Cheat Sheet to philosophy and Seneca ain't too impressed. The old man of Stoicism would much rather you did the deep work, but there's a time and a place for the Cliff Notes – when we need to recall things we already know. It's like the index file to our mental libraries, but the file itself is going to be useless if you go to the right section in the library only to find the shelves are bare.

But it's not like we have to write all the books ourselves. This letter brings a welcome reminder that all the work and creativity that's gone before us shouldn't make us feel inadequate, but can instead be seen as a vast number of leg-ups for us to take advantage of.

Moving on, this is really an episode about obsession and addiction and how to manage those impulses which can certainly lead to great experiences and achievements, but which can also be destructive and rob us of the ability to enjoy the simple, freely-available pleasures in life.

Seneca didn't have a word for addiction as we'd understand it today, but he was certainly worried about over-indulgence in 'vices' that can end up controlling us. We dig into the latest theories on addiction, habit-forming, desensitisation and what we can do to make the best choices for ourselves.

We also contemplate the psychology of kink and whether BDSM can only remain exciting while it remains taboo in mainstream society. And then we give a swift knee-to-the-balls of self-help gurus, because having happiness and purpose is an attitude rather than something to be found under a bush or at the end of yet another self-discovery course.

We also plot our next big book: Fifty Shades of Pink and discuss the vital role of dwarves and donkeys in our sex lives.

• How to use life-hacks properly and effectively
• Do we really need 'purpose' to be happy?
• Why creative city planning could seriously improve our lives
• When vice becomes habit (or how notto eat cake)
• Getting desensitised at the movies
• And: Stop Shaming Vanilla Sex:

• Come discuss the show in our Facebook Group
• Hit us up on Instagram!
• The full text for freeon WikiSource
• Our new Sex & Relationshipsepisodes!

Everyone's heard about open relationships, but what does it really mean to be in one? Just mentioning the concept can provoke intense debates, but because it touches on so many fears, insecurities and assumptions, those debates often leave us with bruised egos and little understanding.

So we decided to invite someone really special to talk with us about what 'being open' means in theory and practice. We've wanted to have the incredibly talented musician/artist/writer/game developer Carsie Blanton on the show for well over a year, and this was the perfect moment to invite her. Not only does Carsie's music and writing explore love, lust, jealousy and insecurity with a thrilling degree of honesty, she's also been in an open marriage for over a decade.

But 'openness' isn't just about open relationships – it's an attitude and posture that's absolutely essential if we want to truly connect with another person. It's about not shutting down in the face of fear and insecurity. It's realising how important it is not only to learn and grow with another person, but of sharing what we do and don't want in a relationship. Open relationships bring all these elements under the microscope, but these are issues we all face, regardless of who and how we date.

Carsie certainly knows a thing or two about openness: not only is her music a beautiful and ferocious expression of 'This is me, like it or not', but her father, Brad, pioneered the Radical Honesty movement which insists that we would all be infinitely happier if we simply told the truth, the whole truth, all the time.

Like Carsie, we don't follow her dad's approach all the way. Sometimes honesty can be a blunt instrument, so in this episode we explore a more subtle way of thinking about it that involves discernment and timing:

Honesty [...] is something that takes effort and energy, and so for me it's a question of which relationships I value to such a degree that I want to spend that kind of energy on them.

– Carsie Blanton

Jon brings his own experiences of open relationships to the table and we go deep on how to set up the 'rules', talk about extracurricular sexcapades, and how to navigate the inevitable appearance of jealousy.

Beyond the personal level, there's some big questions to play with, too. Is monogamy just a recent invention designed to control our sexuality? Would we all be having open relationships if we could only overcome our deep-seated insecurities about not being 'enough' for our partner?

In order to understand any of these questions, we need to practise talkingabout them (which is why we started this podcast series in the first place). If we don't share our experiences and perspectives, we can feel trapped within cultural expectations that don't necessarily suit us, but we also have no idea what our neighbours, our best friends, or even our parents actually get up to in their sex lives. Where there's shame, there's silence; where there's silence, there's a hell of a lot of ignorance and misconceptions at play.

That's why Carsie developed a hugely successful Kickstarter campaign to create The F'ing Truth– a cross between 'Never-Have-I-Ever' and Bingo. This amazingly fun and sometimes revelatory game playfully invites us to start opening up about how we feel and think about sex, as well as what we actually get up to... And, believe us, once you make it fun to talk about, it's amazing the kinky and exciting shit that comes up!

But even if we're not playing The F'ing Truth, if we want to enjoy love and sex, Carsie insists that we need to be less precious about our insecurities – almost all of us have essentially the same set, to one degree or another, so thinking they make us a special snowflake is not only to ignore our qualities, it's also pretty damn tedious.

It can be cathartic to talk about your insecurities, but at the same time it gets old very fast.

– Carsie Blanton

So let's talk about love instead. But what is love? We use the word so liberally, yet it can mean vastly different things to each of us. If we're unwilling to explore different kinds and experiences of love with others, we face a huge barrier to mutual understanding and connection.

Very often, we think of love as a finite resource, or something which we should only feel in one particular way, with one person at a time. But why should we think of love as being in short supply? Think about friendship instead: if you make a new friend, are you any less friends with the people you like already? Couldn't the same principle apply to (certain kinds of) love?

And why do we think that love has to come with certain forms of commitment?

Love is [...] this really wonderful activity that you can share with people and that you can give to people as a gift. And I think that's how I experience the feeling of love if I'm able to separate it form questions of what the future is, what it means about me and what it means about you, and whether you're going to give me something to reciprocate... If I can sort of sever it from those thoughts, which I think are really insecurity-driven in a lot of cases, then it's just like, 'Oh, what is this beautiful feeling I have?', and that I can communicate to this person, and then they can get this beautiful feeling. That's this magic thing we get to share as humans.

– Carsie Blanton

Culturally, there's a lot of stress placed on the idea that your relationship somehow determines your worth. But there's a real danger of losing your identity if you subsume it within a relationship. Our sense of self ultimately has to come from within, or what's left of you if your partner decides to leave? Jon shares his own painful experience of that very dynamic and, as he puts it, 'However you want to slice it, there's no "us" without "me"'.

We also talk about how to cultivate personal worth in other areas of our lives (in our passions, art, and friendships), rather than placing the burden solely on our romantic relationships; when and how to lay your cards on the table when you start dating someone; and why we face so much moral judgement for having casual sex.

Towards the end of the episode, we get a bit more political and ask how far economics determine sexual behaviour: how far have things changed for women over the past few decades, and would a Universal Basic Income lead to more sexual openness and polyamory?

I think of it like culture and economics are in this constant state of affecting each other, and you can change things from both ends. And so I think our concept of relationships is more formed by our economic history than we sometimes think it is, but also that you can change things from the top-down by changing people's cultural expectations...

– Carsie Blanton

It was a real honour to have Carsie on the show, and we're excited to hear your questions, thoughts and reactions to everything we got into this episode. Hit us up on the socials and don't forget to join our new discussion group over on Facebook!

• MDMA as a tool for building closer relationships
• Setting out your non-negotiables in a relationship
• Are there really big gender differences in how we experience sex?
• Carsie's take on the Me Too movement
• When being Progressive and being sexual come into conflict
• Why are queer people seemingly more kinky?

• The F'ing Truthgame is on sale now!
• Carsie's website, and lots of her musicavailable on a pay-what-you-want model
• Brad Blanton's Radical Honestyprogramme