Water Prairie Chronicles Podcast

Discover the keys to unlocking stronger parent-child bonds with seasoned coach Kathy Bowers on this episode of the Water Prairie Chronicles. Join us as Kathy shares over 40 years of expertise, offering practical strategies to enhance communication and relationships with your children. Don't miss out—tune in to learn how to transform your family dynamics today!

Find the full directory at waterprairie.com/listen.

Discover the keys to unlocking stronger parent-child bonds with seasoned coach Kathy Bowers on this episode of the Water Prairie Chronicles. Join us as Kathy shares over 40 years of expertise, offering practical strategies to enhance communication and relationships with your children. Don’t miss out—tune in to learn how to transform your family dynamics today!

Connect with Kathy:

Are you getting our newsletter? If not, subscribe at https://waterprairie.com/newsletter

Support our podcast and help us share more incredible stories by making a donation at Buy Me A Coffee. Your contribution makes a significant impact in bringing these stories to light. Thank you for your support!

https://BuyMeACoffee.com/waterprairie

Music Used:

“LazyDay” by Audionautix is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 license. https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Artist: http://audionautix.com/

*******************

Meet Kathy Bowers, a parenting, teen, and life coach with over 40 years of hands-on experience working directly with parents and their children. With a passion for supporting families through every stage of parenting, Kathy specializes in addressing a wide range of parenting and behavior issues.

As the founder of Life Change Coaching, Kathy offers her expertise online, providing invaluable guidance to parents seeking to enhance their communication skills and strengthen their relationships with their children. Through personalized coaching packages, Kathy empowers parents to discover effective strategies for connecting with all of their children, fostering understanding and harmony within the family dynamic.

Additionally, Kathy extends her coaching services to individuals who are driven to achieve specific goals in their lives. Whether it’s navigating the challenges of parenthood or pursuing personal aspirations, Kathy offers a supportive and insightful approach to help clients overcome obstacles and reach their full potential.

Ready to begin your journey towards positive change? Book your free 30-minute exploratory call with Kathy through her website and take the first step towards building healthier, more fulfilling relationships with your children and yourself.

Full Transcript of Interview:

Kathy: I believe that true communication means being 100 percent available for your child and to really listen to them and see them as individuals.

Tonya: Welcome to the Water Prairie Chronicles, a podcast created for special needs parents and those who want to support them. I’m your host, Tonya Wollum, and I’m glad you’re here.

In this episode, I’m chatting with Kathy Bowers about how to unlock a stronger bond with your child. Kathy is the founder of Life Change Coaching, where she provides guidance to parents seeking to enhance their communication skills and strengthen their relationships with their children. Today, she’ll be sharing practical strategies to help communication and relationships with your children.

If you have a little one who doesn’t listen or a moody teen who ignores you, Kathy has some tips to share that you may find enlightening. This episode is sponsored by the Water Prairie Etsy shop where you can find Tales and a Tote story kits for young children and printable storytelling journals and activity books to help encourage older children to enjoy writing their own stories.

Check out the shop at https://waterprairie.etsy.com and be sure to sign up for the Water Prairie newsletter for special Etsy promo codes. Now, let’s get back to the episode. Kathy, I appreciate you being with us today.

Thank you, Tonya. It’s a great pleasure to be here.

Kathy is a parenting, teen, and life coach, and I say it that way because it’s my understanding, she’s going to tell us more, but it’s my understanding that she works with both parents and teens separately and together, but then also does life coaching.

Am I completely off on that or do I have this correct?

Um, it, a little bit.

A little bit? Okay.

Um, yeah.

Clear, clear it up for me.

I, I do mentoring with the teens and the parents together online because obviously teens want to have their say and if there’s difficulties and the parents will obviously be there as well.

So we do like in the room scenario where I’m just making it sort of flow. And giving everyone the opportunity to listen to one another and to, um, express what they, they’re having, um, trouble with, you know, with between parent and teen and teen to parent. So that’s what I do. And then I work individually on online with parents, but not together parents, you know, individual parents because obviously.

Although you’re a parent, you’re two different human beings and you have your different viewpoints and things. And the last thing I want is a clash going on. So it’s up to the parents to decide if they want to split this. I offer six sessions. So it’s whether they want to split the six sessions into three or take six, six each is up to them really.

And, um, then with individuals, obviously I work with the individual online again, and that’s on around specific goals they have, they wish to achieve, whether it’s a personal development goal. Or something to do with maybe setting up a business or just, just anything really that comes into their head that they want to achieve.

So one of the things that stood out for me when you, when you first reached out was, um, when I checked out your website, you had a summary on there that said that you work with parents who are having communication and parenting difficulties with their children. And I was like, wow. And it sounds like from what you’re saying, how you’re, you’re working with them together.

And it’s a topic that we haven’t brought to the podcast before. And I think it really is important that we do look at communication. A lot of times we lean toward talking about, um, parents trying to communicate with the school, things like that. Um, and we may even talk about behavior sometimes with our children, but we haven’t broken it down to the communication itself.

And I think this is really important for us to, to dig into a little bit. And I’m, I’m really looking forward to hearing some of the information that you’re going to share with us. And, um, those that are listening, I’d love to hear your feedback as you start learning from this episode, even, um, let us know if you try out some of the things that we’re going to talk, talk about, and if you see any changes.

So when I, um, started thinking about communication, I, um, I was trying to think, you know, what, what have I heard to kind of get us started? And I came across the quote by Emma Thompson, those that may not be familiar with it. She wrote Sense and Sensibility, um, in 1995, I think is when that came out. And the quote that I saw from her was any problem, big or small within a family, always seems to start with bad communication.

Someone isn’t listening. And what I liked on that was how many times do we, especially as parents, you know, we have things we have to say. And, um, and Junior is watching TV or something, and he hears nothing that we say. And we say it three or four times, so we’re getting more heated, and they never heard a word of what we said.

So I thought maybe we’d launch with a quote to, to let us see that it isn’t just us, that sometimes there are others who recognize that communication can be a pretty big thing.

Well, I mean, communication is for everybody, adults included. You know, how we talk to one another. It’s not just children, but obviously when we’re a parent, we have to be specifically aware of how we communicate with our children.

90 percent of communication is our physical, you know, it’s not vocal, sorry, vocal, it’s our physical. well being and how we respond like that. It’s our features on our face. It’s whether we give eye contact or we don’t. And then it’s our voice, but it’s not just our words. It’s our tone of voice as well. So it’s all taken in.

So it’s a lot to actually really take in and realize. And as adults, I don’t think we realize how we respond to our children when things are annoying. You know, we don’t even have to open our mouths, the children will see, Oh, here they come.

Yeah. When I think too, you know, we’re talking about the parent child relationship in that one, but, um, but even mom and dad, how do we talk to each other?

And our children are absorbing all of that and watching, they’re, they’re learning their own communication skills as they observe all of this.

We’re meant to be offering guidance and it has to be positive guidance we’re giving them. And we do forget because children don’t stand up to our height, you know, we sometimes don’t even know they’re in the room sometimes, you know, and they’re absorbing it.

I mean, their brain, you know, they’re like a sponge. They want to get in. And it’s only when you suddenly see your children. mimicking you or making a, an expression or saying a word that you would say, you think, hold on a minute, this little person’s really picked it up. And it’s a famous one. So the swear words, you know, we don’t, this two year old or three year old comes out with a swear.

Oh, they’ve got it from school. Well, hold on. They don’t Yeah.

Right. Well, and, and how many times does the parent say, where did you learn that? And because you don’t necessarily see it in yourself, it’s, um, yeah, that’s, I’ve seen, I’ve seen that a lot of times as I, as I’ve just talked, talked with people in the community and the look of the parent’s face, whenever it happens, it’s,

it’s like, I’m embarrassed.

Well, a lot of times too, you know, we, we’re so careful of protecting our children with the media and, and what they’re exposed to, but we may forget that they’re exposed to us as well. And what, what are we showing to them? You’re right. With my children, I knew a lot of times when they were young, I was working with different groups of adults and they would be with me at times.

And so I needed to do the job that I was doing and finish the conversation with the parent or with someone else. And, um, And with my kids, you know, what they want, it’s now it’s, you know, they, they wanted to jump in. So we started what, what I always called the, the interrupt rule and they had to put their hand on my arm or my leg just to, to, to let me know they were there.

And then they knew in turn that I would stop when there was a moment to see what they wanted. So they didn’t have to wait for the whole adult conversation to end before I could pay attention to them. But that was something that I always required of them. But did I always do that for them if they were in the middle of something to give them that warning?

No, I didn’t. A lot of times I would expect them to jump right as soon as I’d say something. So we don’t always have that balance.

Yeah, this is what’s quite common with parents when, and I did quite a few sort of, uh, tests with my parents. I sort of said, it was quite funny, we had this um, day when they came in, when I was in the nursery, and I said, right, well, parents come in, and they went, okay.

So I said, now I’m going to sit you down at different tables. I think there’s four to each table. And I said, I’m going to give you some artwork, and I’m going to expect you to do it. Okay. So, alright, that’s fine. So, um, what they weren’t expecting, though, was, what I did was, I gave instructions to some of them, then I gave part instructions to others, like, by whispering, telling them what to do, and then to others, I didn’t give any instructions.

So, yeah. At least. bits of newspaper and things on the table. They didn’t have all the equipment like they might need. It’s, um, they were meant to be making a tree out of a newspaper. And so they needed the tree, the scissors and some sellotape or something on some of the tables. I didn’t give them the scissors or I didn’t put the tape out.

So they didn’t know. So it was quite funny. So anyway, I said, right. You’re going to be timed for this now get on and do it and then what I did as well Was I would come up to a parent and wouldn’t say anything and I just get hold of them and move them to another table or move them and sit them out and we did this and it was quite funny because they were very sort of disorientated.

They didn’t know what was going on and they hadn’t got a clue. Some of them were trying to do the tree quite well and then others were looking at the table of this to say what they doing trying to copy. Well then when we stopped it I said right now tell me how you felt and the hands were going up they said Well, I was completely lost.

I didn’t know what, what I was meant to be doing because you didn’t tell any of us on the table what we were meant to be, you know, building. And then someone else said, well, we didn’t have the equipment to do. You told us to do this, but we didn’t have the cellar table, the scissors. And there’s someone else said, well.

I got very upset because you took me away and I thought, what have I done? I’ve been, have I, she actually said, have I been naughty? And I said, these are things that you do to your children every day. You don’t explain or you jump in and you don’t give them time. You know, you, and one of the things you do, which is so common, I mean, I did it as well with my children.

You give an instruction, but you don’t give one instruction in the sentence. You give them four or five, you know, I want you to get your shoes on, put your coat there, do this. And then You don’t understand why your child is just not done it and they’re sitting there. You think they’re being, you know, argumentative or rude to you or defiant to you, but what they’re doing is you’ve told them something and they’re just trying to work out in their brain, right?

What’s, what do I need to do first? But then you’re shouting at them because they haven’t done it immediately. You know, you’re expecting it to be that instant done. And I like with parents, I’ve said to you. If I ask you to do something, we’re discussing something and I was to say to you, right, I want you to do this and this and then I shout, well, why haven’t you done it yet?

You know, how do you feel? And they say, well, I’d get angry because I can’t do, I couldn’t do it at that time. You know, who the hell do you think you are telling me to do it immediately? And I said, well, nothing is done immediately. You have to take it and absorb. You have to process it. On your instructions, you know, if it’s not clear in the first place, you’re lost.

Well, then you also have our children who can’t retain that many things at one time. And they, they know there were shoes somewhere in that, in that sentence, but that’s about it.

So you have to keep it simple. You know, a simple instruction is short and simple. Like go, go and get your shoes, go and get your coat.

You know, you’re telling them, it’s no good saying. Where are your shoes? And that’s it. They will think, well, where are my shoes? That’s not what you’re asking them. You might be asking them to go and put your shoes on, but you have to tell them what you want. It’s like, if you’re at work and your boss tells you to do something, they have to give you an instruction of what you need to do for your job to, you know, to do it.

You know, it, it’s one of those things that we, as you’re saying, if you put it into, Your own life, you understand it’s, you know, maybe, maybe even we need more time because we’re older now.

I’m not sure there are a lot of things inside our head because we’re thinking about where are the keys, which is why half the time we’re upset that they don’t have their shoes on yet, because we just found the keys now we’re ready to go and

They’ve, and they’ve lost the shoes. One shoe is under the bed.

When in the process, we probably ask them to help us find the keys because we assume that they must have moved them or something. So that kind of answers one of the questions I was going to ask you. What are some of the challenges that parents face when we’re trying to communicate with our kids? Um, that I think that’s, that’s probably, especially as young as some of our parents have toddlers, even those are very real things.

We’re trying to find where the shoe is. Yes. One’s upstairs, one’s downstairs. But what are some of the other challenges that parents might face when they’re talking to their kids? Maybe, maybe thinking about our older kids, you work with teens a lot.

It’s, it’s how, how you speak to your children and your, as I said, your body language and your tone.

And especially with teens, we’re inclined to come over as nagging them, you know, uh, or challenging them or putting your, it’s always, you Why haven’t you done this? Or where can you do it? Rather than actually asking, you know, can you come? I need some help here. Can you help me with something, you know, sort of, and you, and it’s a two way conversation, isn’t it?

That’s what you’re meant to be having, a two way conversation calmly and calmly. If you’re challenging it and your, uh, your voice sounds aggressive or it sounds sort of derogatory or, you know, speaking down to them, you’re going to get their back up. So you have to really, it’s like putting the thought that they have thought it rather than you’re telling them, but you have to be very sort of, you know, cunning in a way, I suppose, to sort of put the suggestion there, but then let them think that they’re thought of it and they’re doing it.

So it’s a question of, you know, your phrasing and your terminology is very important when you’re, when you’re communicating with teens.

As you’re, as you’re talking about that, I’m thinking of when my, my son, more than my daughter, um, he was one that would, well, he has ADHD. He has reasons that sometimes the, the teachers would misunderstand what he was doing.

And I would always challenge the teacher, instead of assuming what you think is happening, ask the question, what, what were you thinking? But not in the tone of voice of what were you thinking? But what, what was the reason behind what you just did? And, and I would challenge them because you’d be surprised what was really happening.

A lot of times it was totally opposite of what you assumed it was. And it really wasn’t a bad behavior that you were expecting it to be. It was actually a very thoughtful gesture. That went awry somewhere in the process of following through with it.

Yes. Yeah.

But, um, but that, I, and I think as parents sometimes we’ll do the same thing.

We, we respond quickly, assuming something that really isn’t there. And if we can hear what our kids are saying.

And that’s why you have to ask them, you ask them, you know, have they understood? Is there anything that they’re struggling with? Is there anything that you can help them do? make it easier for them to do whatever you’ve asked them to do.

So it’s this, it’s this gentle, supportive communication that you’re letting them know you’ve got their back. You’ve got their best interests at heart, you know, and, and you say to them, you know, I really care. I love you to bits and I want the best for you. So let me help you. But sometimes We get it wrong.

And that’s when we need to say, look, I’ve really messed up here. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have speaking, spoken to you like that. You know, that was totally out unnecessary and you didn’t deserve that. You know, even though I’m stressed and tired, that still doesn’t excuse the fact that you got the brunt of it, but you know, I’m sorry, but

Well, what, what better lesson can we show our children whenever we say that to them?

Because we, we all have moments of passion that are not. in tune with what it should be. And I mean, our kids have it to us, especially as they’re getting older and have those hormonal changes where they may snap back at us.

But also they might have a bad day at school. They might have a, a clash with a friend.

They might be thinking like, cause they’re, you know, so many different things going on. They might be, um, thinking about a girl or a boy or anxious about that. I mean, what surprises me nowadays, which When I was a teenager, I didn’t think like this at all. I’m thinking it must be, I don’t know whether it’s um, media, social media has anything to do with it, but the kids don’t just worry about maybe what’s going on for them at school or at home or if they get a, getting a girlfriend or a boyfriend.

They’re now worrying at a very tender age about will I, how will I earn enough money to live, to buy clothes, to buy a car. Will I be able to learn to drive a car? How will I, um, be able to earn enough to get married, if that’s what I want, and have a family, and raise a family, and they’ve got all these thoughts, and you’re thinking, God, you’re just teens, you haven’t even got any of that yet.

Why are you worrying about it? But they are. They really are worrying about all this stuff and you think you’re putting more stress on your shoulders of something that’s not happening maybe 10 years from, from now.

Yeah. That’s, that’s, that’s interesting that, that you are starting to see that more.

But I think also because they’re living in families who are struggling, maybe that’s what it is.

Mom and dad are struggling with finances to put, keep a roof over their head. We’ve got this thing with all the heating bills, haven’t we now? Well, you know the cost of living, you know, all that, putting food on your table. You hear it now. And the pet, the kids that are aware of it, mom and dad are thinking, well, if I put the heating money, you know, on the meter in the, for the heating, I might not have enough food.

And they see one of the parents not eating as much food and giving it to the kids. So it’s all this, it’s, it’s, it’s a horrible way, but they, they’re watching, like I was telling you, you know, and they’re, seeing this all and they’re seeing the parents struggle. And maybe that goes on. If they’re doing it, this is my mum and dad and they should know how to handle money and they’re older than me.

And they have, you know, they’ve been working for years and doing this. So if they’re struggling, what hope is there for me?

I want to, I want to get back a little bit to thinking of our, our audience where many of them have young children with disabilities and special needs, but they also have other children who don’t have disabilities or special needs. So, so everything we’re talking about is going to address someone within their family at some point along the line there.

Yeah, it’s vital. I mean, each, the parents are all individuals. Their children are individuals, you know, so they’re not. None of them are the same as the other one.

So you have to really get to know your children, whether they’ve got a disability or not. If they have a disability, then yes, you have to understand what that disability is and the impact it has on how they communicate, how they act. receive information and how they can respond to information. And if they’ve got a physical disability, how does that affect them?

And you know, movement or, or whatever, and pain and, and their responses, are they in pain? Do they get angry? Do they get frustration if they can’t vocalize? Because that’s quite common. Um, if they’ve got a hearing problem and you don’t necessarily know your child is deaf, or I’ve got something wrong that needs, you know, the grommets.

And, um, they, if they can’t hear what you’re saying, they’re getting frustrated. and they’re kicking out, you think, Oh, what’s going on here? But you have to look deeper. But if you know your child, you know, if you really observe and look and monitor, you have to look for what they’re not saying as well as verbally, how they’re communicating.

And so every child is different. And you’ve got to obviously consider that not only their personalities, but their age and their ability. So you don’t have a full grown conversation. You can have a good conversation with a teenager, but you can’t do that with a two year old or a three year old. They’re going, what?

Because they’re short, they’ve got, attention span is so like, a couple of minutes and that’s it. They’re going, you know, it’s like, what?

Right.

So you’re, you’re wasting your time and you’re just getting worn out. So you have to really, really, really, Make sure that you tone your conversations, your communication, always be present when you’re talking to them, always show that you’re listening.

This is what we talk about active listening, which is really difficult to do, but it’s emptying your head of anything else, any of that clutter talking, because when, for example, if I’m talking to you, you’ll be, you might be in your head thinking, well, I’m going to, I’m thinking about this next answer. I’m going to ask Kathy.

And so you’re not actually taking a hundred percent of what I’m saying. And we do this all the time. And the, and when I was learning to do my coaching, the coach said, no, you’re not listening a hundred percent, Kathy. I said, what? He said, you have to empty that all out. And you have to actually hear 100 percent what that person’s saying, and don’t come in to finish their sentence, or don’t come in because and give them a bit of space, because they might not have finished what you think they’ve finished, you know.

Sorry. Might not have finished what you thought they’d said and, um, therefore, you’re cutting off something which could have been continued. So it’s vital to do that and, you know, to really be aware, but also to not involve your child. Don’t treat your child like a mini adult. Don’t treat them like your friend.

I’ve had so many parents say, but I don’t want to do this with them. I don’t want to tell them off because I want them to love me. I want them to like me or I see them as my friend. Yeah. So, you know, it’s, it’s vital that you Really make sure that you don’t keep any adult conversation. You keep it away from your children, especially if you’re going through, um, well, anything could be arguments, uh, financial problems, breakup, relationship breakups.

You don’t want them to be piggy in the middle. You don’t want them to hear things because it’s frightening and you don’t want them to feel that they have to choose between mum or dad or, you know, two mums or two dads because They’re your kids. They’re not into all this stuff. They just love you, both of you, and that’s all they want.

But it’s so easy for us adults. We forget we might be on the phone to someone, talking and slagging off the other person, and our child’s right there hearing everything we’re saying. And that’s, you know, so we have to really think about We don’t want negative communication in any form of way. We have to be positive a hundred percent and same with our guidance, how we offer them, it has to be a hundred percent.

You mentioned active listening, the, um, and earlier you were talking about how we speak. We communicate with more than just our words, with our facial expressions, with our body expressions and all. And I’m, I’m just as guilty as the next person where if I’m in the middle of something and someone from the family walks in while I’m working on it, I may not hear everything that they’re saying.

I try to catch on to as much as I can, but my brain is, even if I turn my back on what I’m working on, my brain is still there and it’s hard to pull the plug sometimes, but with active listening, my I’ve always heard it to be, you know, repeating back some of the things to show that you are engaged with it.

Are there ways that our body language also is active listening to, are there?

Well, yes, because it’s how we’re open. I mean, it’s like if we’re sitting there and we’re not, and we’re all tight or we’re not looking, you know, especially your eye contact, you have to give up. If you’re giving eye contact, they’re showing you, you’re seeing that person, you’re saying, I’m seeing you, I’m listening.

And then you say to them, Uh, either repeat back or you can say, am I right in understanding that you have, you’ve said this? Have I heard this correctly? So you ask them, because it’s always good to check in, because You might have interpreted it wrongly and that’s how arguments and fights and sulks start because Someone said something and then you’ve interpreted it completely different So if you check in with them rather than they get like, oh, they’ve said that check in first because then they’ll say no It didn’t mean that this is what I meant because again It’s your frame of mind how you’re feeling at that particular time of the day You might be over sensitive and you just take something you think that’s a criticism and that person might not be You wanting to criticize you.

I might best be giving you a suggestion or something, but in that form of the way, you’ve just taken it that particular time as a criticism.

So we spoke about how we don’t want our children to, to hear those adult conversations because they’re not, they’re not part of that. They’re not ready for those where they really should not be part of that, that conversation.

But what, what about when we’re communicating with our children and, and. In all honesty, I think every parent at some point has had a harsher word. They may not yell, but they may have a sterner word or something that they meant to be. It may not have, the situation may not have warranted that reaction that they had.

And I say all the time that, that words carry a lot of weight. So as we’re speaking to our children and speaking with our children, how can we. Help our children’s self esteem and their wellbeing be more positive. I mean, yes, we can always say, say positive, good things, but that’s not what a parent’s role is.

Sometimes we do have to be negative in helping to correct. So how can we have a better balance?

Well, what you should do is every day, see something that the child has done. It can be really small and you put, you put that as. I’ve seen you’ve really been helpful. You know, I didn’t need to call you down two or three times to get out of bed to come for breakfast.

You, you did that yourself or you, you remembered to go and clean your teeth, you know, things like that. Or you’ve been, you’re, you’ve been on time so that you’re not going to miss your school bus, you know, you’re leaving the house. So really appreciate and say that. And then also things like, I really You really helped me carrying out that shopping out of the car because there was a lot of shopping.

And I You just saw that I needed that help, or you held the door open for me. And it’s so nice because everyone, adults as well, if someone gives you, like you’re saying, positive praise, thank you, and using the manners and everything, you want to respond. It may, it lifts you up, it brightens you up, it does your self esteem.

But if you’ve got someone constantly pulling you down, picking, picking you to bits all the time, or Not saying anything. That’s just as bad. You get some families where The parents do not say anything. They don’t reward them. They just it’s a blank, you know, and that could be to do with mental health. It could be lots of different things, you know, but that pulls your self esteem down.

You don’t have to. Have that, you know, you don’t build up your self esteem when someone’s doing that because you’re not being seen as a complete person. You’re not being seen holistically, you know, and it’s so important for parents to really see their children. In all areas, you don’t see just the bad behavior because if you do, you can think, well, okay, this bad behavior is here, but why is that happening?

Go back and see what’s going on. You know, if they’re little, they’re not, might not be able to vocalize how they’re feeling because I’m got the words. So they, they’ll kick off, you know, and you get lots of little ones who want their parents to play and they come with a toy and they’re playing and This is sort of a B for me.

Lots, lots of parents seem to think because they’re children, little ones can play quite contentedly with their toys. They don’t think they need to get on their hands and knees and play with their children. They think, leave it to them, but what you’re helping them, you’re helping them with their language, you know, conversing, their understanding, you’re talking about colors, shape, you know, so many different ways, and you’re having fun with them, you’re making them laugh, and making them see that you really are interested in what they’re doing, and if you’ve got a little baby, You know, he wants to come up and he’s got a toy and wants you to play and you’re on the phone like this and you’re paying no attention, you go, hmm, fine, and you don’t give any, and the baby might come along and whack you.

I’ve seen this with mums I’ve been with, you know, whack you with a toy, not hard, but enough. And the parent goes, well, why have you done that? And I said, Well, you’ve been on your phone, your child’s been trying to get you to engage with this toy, and it wasn’t a hard whack, but they’re just trying to get your attention to say it.

But you’ve got some children If you do not respond, they withdraw into themselves, and then the parents say, Oh, so and so is a very good boy, he never asks for anything. No, because he’s learnt to self soothe and do anything. So, you have to be mindful if that child is so quiet. Why are they like that? And then you get the other ones who’ve learned the only way they get your attention is if they whack you with something or hit their sibling.

And in a way you’re rewarding their bad behavior by your responding, you know, To it and they’re thinking, well, I’m getting something from you might not be the right thing, but I’m getting something from you. And then you have these households where everyone’s screaming at each other. You know, there are different levels of the thing.

Come down here. It’s just easier just to go up and say, can you come and help me? You know, And it starts from us adults doing it, but we’re the ones that are screaming most of the time.

So before we get to the end here, cause I’m looking at our time, we’ve talked about some of this, but are there any other practical tips or exercises that parents can incorporate?

You’ve given us a lot as we’ve gone through here, but is there anything else that you can think of that we didn’t talk about?

The first thing that parents need to look at is what’s happening for them first. What is getting in the way that they aren’t necessarily being able to give a hundred percent attention to their children and be available.

And what’s really common is most of us work now, whether we work at home, we work part time, full time, or we go into the office or do another job. If. We’re not happy in our job, which most of us, I mean, let’s face it. Most of us go to work because we need to pay for a mortgage, pay all the bills and put food on the table.

And if we’re lucky, have a car and go on a holiday, you know, and treat, but not many of us say I’ve got a great job. I love my job, but we’ve got bosses that bully us. We’ve got bosses that see you, see you working and doing well, so they’ll give you more stuff, more work, and you’ll get stressed. Now, stress is a good thing if you’re doing a small amount, you know, you’ve got a project.

And you think this is going to be a four or five week stress, but you’re there because you’ve got the energy and your stress is driving you to do this and you’re coming up with these ideas. That’s fine. But when you get the other form of stress, it just builds up on you and you’re, overloaded, you’re exhausted, you can’t sleep, you can’t do your job work, you’re constantly, constantly, your head’s getting clouded up with all this stuff.

And you come home, and you’re taking your work home, because you think if I don’t do this, I might get the sack or whatever. And then you’re taking it in the evening, which impacts on how you see your kids and how you engage with your kids, because your moods are all over the place. And then on the weekend, you probably find you’re doing it.

And you’ve got to say to your boss, Enough’s enough. You know, be polite. Just say, The amount of work you’re giving me now I can manage, I can complete. Perfect. But if you give me something else, it’s too much and it will affect the work that I’m doing well. So let me do this piece of work first. And if they’re not willing to listen, then you’ll have to either go to a union or go to the next person above.

This is my contract. If your contract says you work Monday to Friday and you don’t work nights and you don’t work weekends or, you know, evenings, then you have to stick by it because the most important thing is your mental health, your physical health, which will impact your mental health. on your whole relationship with your partner and your children.

So you have to take care of that first because family life is the most important thing. Your kids are your number one priority. You have to make sure that they are always first. And don’t beat yourself up about your parenting. Learn from your mistakes. Try not to repeat them again. If you feel you need help, you know, sorting out your own problems.

Go to your GP if it’s mental health or wherever it is, you know, first to get, get some help and support. There’s so many agencies out there that will help you. Make sure that you’re available for your children. You’re consistent, a hundred percent consistent with what you do and you have your boundaries and your routines in place and just enjoy being parents and, you know, Know your kids are the most wonderful, best ever thing you could ever have in your life.

I agree. That’s the one we were talking earlier. That was, that was what I kept thinking of when you’re talking about the little one hitting mom with the toy to get the attention. It’s like, get on the floor and play. If you can’t get on the floor, bring them up to the sofa with you or something. Well, this, this season, we’re, this is season three now.

I have added something in that we’re going to do, um, and I’m not sure what I’m going to call this, if it’s going to be advice tags or what. But, um, But I have three statements that I’m going to read and have you repeat what I say and add an ending to it. The first one is short and easy. So it’s, I believe that true communication means, and then you’ll repeat that and finish the sentence with that. Okay?

I believe that true communication means being a hundred percent available for your child. And to really listen to them and see them as individuals.

Ooh, I like that. Okay. The second one, a memorable conversation I’ve had with my child. Taught me

A memorable conversation I’ve had with my child or my children.

Taught me that I have to be more patient, and more resilient to my own, what, what’s going on for myself personally, that I mustn’t have that impact on them. And that was when I was going through a divorce and it was really hard. It was hard for them and it was hard for me.

Our children teach us so much, don’t, don’t, don’t they, they, they, they’re good reflections for us at times.

All right. So this last one is a long one. So I sent you that one in, in one of the emails, because I knew it was gonna be hard to remember it all. So the most effective way I found to connect with my child through communication is

The most effective way I found to communicate with my child is through play to start off with when they were little, and then continuing that with board games and encouraging their, hobbies and their enthusiasm and going on.

So when they’re teenagers, doing something with them, really being there to support whatever they want to try. They might try something for a little while and then they think, I don’t want to do that anymore. Well, fine. You’ve tried it. Try something else.

Kathy, what is the best way for my listeners to get in touch with you if they want to find out more about what you do or if they wanted to work with you?

Um, on my website, my website’s called life-change-coaching.co.uk. And on there I, you can, there’s a link that you can click, which I offer a free 30 minute exploratory session on Zoom for you just to tell me what’s going on for you. What’s the main issue that you’re struggling with and you need help with and I’ll tell you about me and what I do in the packages I offer And see if coaching’s right for you.

Sometimes it’s not right for everybody, but most of the time it is and I’m available just to help help and talk out, you know and give you some suggestions

Are you active on any social media platforms?

I’m on Facebook and LinkedIn and Instagram.

Okay, I can link all of her contact and the show notes. So if you’re listening, check the, you’ll have to go to the website that goes with the, the audio because lately they haven’t been posting the notes for me, but it will link the website there.

And if you’re on YouTube, it’ll be in the description of the video.

Yes. Okay.

So, well, Kathy, thank you for the wealth of information that you’ve shared with us. This is, this has been fun. I’ve enjoyed it. I hope that I was listening actively for you and the pressure was on.

I really appreciate it. And I hope it’s been useful to your listeners as well. I hope I’ve been able to help.

I’d love to hear some feedback from those of you that are listening. If you found a piece that, that, that you found valuable and, and want to try out, leave us a note in the comments or send us an email. Don’t forget to sign up for the Water Prairie newsletter for updates on what’s happening at Water Prairie, special promo codes available for our Etsy shop and updates on our Amazon bookshelf.

You can sign up at https://waterprairie.com/newsletter. Thanks for joining me today and I’ll see you next week.

The post Episode #89: Expert Tips for Better Parent-Child Communication appeared first on Water Prairie.

Find the full directory at waterprairie.com/listen.

Welcome to Season 3 of the Water Prairie Chronicles, your go-to podcast for all things related to parenting children with special needs! Join host Tonya Wollum as she kicks off the new season with an exciting solo episode, sharing updates, announcements, and personal projects that will make this season one to remember. From introducing an Expert Panel to unveiling new products in the Water Prairie Etsy shop, Tonya dives into all the details you won’t want to miss. Plus, get a sneak peek at what’s coming up in future episodes, including special guests and insightful discussions. Don’t miss out—hit that subscribe button and join us on this journey through the beautiful yet challenging landscape of special needs parenting!

Visit our Etsy Shop or Amazon Page!

Sign up for the newsletter!

Support our podcast and help us share more incredible stories by making a donation at Buy Me A Coffee.

Music Used: “LazyDay” by Audionautix is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 license.

The post Episode 88: Season 3 Premiere: The Hidden Gems You Need to Know About! appeared first on Water Prairie.

Find the full directory at waterprairie.com/listen.

Join us for the Season 2 finale of the Water Prairie Chronicles podcast, where we reflect on the most captivating episodes of the season and share some thrilling announcements for what’s to come in Season 3!

In this solo episode, Tonya takes you on a journey through the highlights of Season 2, exploring the episodes that resonated most with our incredible listeners. From insightful discussions on language processing in children to heartwarming conversations about parenting autistic children and the transformative power of literature, we revisit the moments that made this season truly special. But that’s not all!

We’re excited to announce the grand opening of the Water Prairie Etsy shop, where you can find a treasure trove of enchanting storytelling journals, tactile Tales in a Tote story kits perfect for young children, and soon-to-be-released parenting shirts and coffee mugs to carry the magic of Water Prairie with you wherever you go. Plus, Tonya shares news of recent features on podcasts and educational summits, hinting at even more exciting opportunities to connect and learn in the upcoming season.

Don’t miss this heartfelt finale as we bid farewell to Season 2 and eagerly anticipate the adventures awaiting us in Season 3.

Be sure to sign up for our newsletter for exclusive updates and discounts on our Etsy shop, and don’t forget to leave a review and subscribe on Apple Podcasts and YouTube to stay connected with the Water Prairie community.

Thank you for being part of this extraordinary journey. The magic of storytelling awaits us all in Season 3 of the Water Prairie Chronicles!

Sign up for the Parenting the Intensity RETREAT!

Sign up for the newsletter!

Support our podcast and help us share more incredible stories by making a donation at Buy Me A Coffee.

Music Used: “LazyDay” by Audionautix is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 license.

The post Episode 87: Season 2 Reflections appeared first on Water Prairie.

Find the full directory at waterprairie.com/listen.

Dive into a captivating interview with Katie Selby, known as the “Girl Who Was Not College Material,” as she shares her triumphant journey through language impairment. This episode explores the challenges and victories associated with language development in children, offering valuable insights into speech delay in toddlers. Join us in navigating the world of parenting a non-verbal child and discovering the importance of early intervention for speech issues.

Katie’s story unveils the realities of parenting a child with language difficulties, providing a roadmap for supporting non-verbal preschoolers. Learn effective strategies for communicating with non-verbal children and witness the transformative power of speech therapy success. The conversation delves into the nuances of raising a child with language impairment, celebrating the unique communication paths these children embark on.

Explore the interview to gain a profound understanding of speech disorders in children and the impact of early language intervention. Discover the keys to building confidence in non-verbal kids and unlocking their untapped potential. This discussion is a beacon of hope for parents navigating the complexities of speech-delayed children, emphasizing the importance of celebrating each child’s unique communication journey.

Connect with Katie:

Are you getting our newsletter? If not, subscribe at https://waterprairie.com/newsletter

Support our podcast and help us share more incredible stories by making a donation at Buy Me A Coffee. Your contribution makes a significant impact in bringing these stories to light. Thank you for your support!

https://BuyMeACoffee.com/waterprairie

Music Used:

“LazyDay” by Audionautix is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 license. https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Artist: http://audionautix.com/

*******************

Katie Selby is a remarkable individual who has triumphed over adversity. Diagnosed with a language impairment at age three and a learning disability at five, Katie faced discouragement from educators who doubted her college potential. Undeterred, she pursued higher education and became a fierce advocate for her own educational needs.

With a college degree in hand, Katie embarked on a career as a para-educator, working tirelessly to support students with disabilities in school and home settings. Her dedication to helping these students achieve independence is truly inspiring.

Katie’s unique social circle consists of friends who, like her, have experienced life with disabilities. She’s actively shared her story through blog articles and social media, and is in the process of writing a book about her life. Katie’s journey is a testament to determination and serves as a beacon of hope for others facing similar challenges. She aspires to continue motivational speaking and making a difference in the lives of those with disabilities.

Full Transcript of Interview:

Ep 86 audio draft

Tonya: Well, Katie, welcome to Water Prairie.

Katie: Thank you for having me.

Today we’re going to be talking about a topic that we haven’t brought to the podcast before, and that is about some language issues. And we have talked about language before, and you may recall some of those, but today’s a little bit different.

So, so stay with us and, um, you’ll be interested to hear Katie’s full story as we, uh, uh, Um, unravel that a little bit, but if you are new to the podcast, you don’t know this yet, but if you have been listening, you’ll know that we’ve been playing a game with each of our guests this season, and it’s the game of two truths and a lie.

And I’ve asked Katie if she’d be willing to play, and she has agreed to bring some facts or pseudo facts, as you might want to say, to share with us. And your job as a listener is to decide which of the three that she’s going to tell you about. are actually a lie. And, um, and you can post, if you’re watching this on YouTube, you can post in the comments what your answer would be.

If you are listening to it on the audio or reading on the website, even you can go to Instagram or to Twitter and find the posts that match this release and leave your, your comments there. And a week after we release this, we’ll come back and give you the correct answer. So you can check and see if you’re right or not.

So Katie, what are your facts that you want to share with us?

I would like to share that I had a meet and greet with Taylor Swift. My family had a garden shop named after me called Katie’s Garden Shop, and my husband and I went on a honeymoon to Canada.

All right. So we have some interesting facts here.

They don’t even have anything to do with each other, which makes it even more interesting, I think. So, um, so I’m going to be curious to see what the, which one is the lie. Um, listeners don’t leave the platform, listen to the full interview and then go and leave yours. But if you’re watching on YouTube, you can, you can type this in while you’re listening.

Well, today, like I said, we’re going to be talking about a topic that deals with language and Katie reached out and had an interesting story and I thought that you as listeners might. Enjoy hearing her story because it’s a little bit different, but it may be something that you know about or you may know someone else who is, is working with a child who is in the same situation.

So that would be a value for all of us to hear this. So, um, language impairment is how you described it to me, Katie. Can you tell us what a language impairment is?

A language impairment is where a Like when I was growing up, I had, um, a difficult time coming up and finding the right words to communicate with, with people.

So were you able to, um, like, did you go through the babbling stage as an infant and start saying like mama and dada and during those typical times or was that later for you?

That was much, much later for me. I was diagnosed with a language impairment at the age of three. And Okay. When I was three years old, I was nonverbal and I only showed communication with My body language, I would jump up and down when I was excited and when I was frustrated, I would lunge to the ground, almost hitting my head on on concrete and that would happen at a lot of places in the community.

Wow. So, I, I’ve been looking a little bit into this since you and I first communicated with each other. And, um, I noticed when I was looking through that there is today, and I know a lot of parents are listening. A lot of you are going through diagnosis times right now and you may see terminology that is changing.

And so in some of our diagnoses, terminology does change over the years. Um, but Katie, one thing that I came across, I thought I wanted to ask you about, um, developmental language disorder. Today, that is. a diagnosis. Do you think that would have been the category for you if you were being diagnosed today?

Probably, yes. Okay, so parents if you’re listening and you’re not hearing the same words here, if you’re hearing developmental language disorder, and Katie you can correct me if I’m wrong, I think that might also be specific language impairment, a language delay, or developmental dysphagia. Is that the right word?

I think so. Would all those be in that same category do you think? I think so. I think they would. Yeah, so it’s, um, so like, um, our autistic diagnoses that are coming in, sometimes you’ll hear, um, depending on when you’re diagnosed, different words are being used, um, to describe the same thing. So, so parents, if you’ve heard any of these or you’re looking into this, um, tune in because, because you’re going to be hearing some more that, that, that should, should help you a little bit to understand more of, of Some ideas of how, how to communicate with your child or to help your child be able to communicate with you too.

Another question I had for you too, Katie, was back at the beginning of this season, this is our second season on the podcast. So back in January, February of, of this year, we spoke with Lenora Edwards about the differences between analytic and gestalt language processors. And when I was looking into what you were talking about, you weren’t speaking at all until three, is that correct?

Or, or you still weren’t speaking at three?

I still wasn’t speaking at three. And when I was four years old, I would speak in six to seven word. Utterances, and then I fully communicated at five years of age and said my first full sentence. And to this day, I wish I knew what that first full sentence was.

I’m sure.

Me too.

Are you familiar with the difference between analytic and gestalt language processors?

No, I’m, I am not.

Okay, so an analytic, and this is what I’ve taken from Lenore and some of the reading that I’ve done, an analytic processor, um, I, I was one of those. As a, as a young infant, I would babble.

I made different sounds, just kind of playing with sounds. And then I started making some, some little short sounds that related to an object or an action and started learning those. Then those became words, and so for a while you say one word that means something like go or, or hungry even, things like that.

Um, and then you may have a two word and then a three word sentence that are slowly building up. So you’re building from those sounds into words, into phrases, into sentences. A Gestalt language processor is listening and they’re seeing. The, the full package. So they’re hearing phrases, they’re hearing sentences, and they’re taking it all in, and they’re seeing the behavior that goes with it, and they’re understanding that this phrase goes with this.

This phrase goes with this. And it’s not the same, but I kind of equate it to when I’ve tried to earn, to learn a foreign language. And I’ve been in other countries. I kind of see what they’re doing and what they’re saying. I may not know what the words mean, but I know that every time they do this, they say this, so this must mean something with the situation.

And then I just kind of echo what I heard because it fit the situation. And our children sometimes that are Gestalt language processors, they’ll go into that. And I know I always say it wrong, echolalia.

Echolalia.

And so that’s, that’s part of that process where they go from hearing it and repeating it to, to into that echo time.

And then they slowly take that big package and they break it down and they eventually get to the point where they also understand all the words and the sentences and the grammar and all. But they, they come from like the big piece down to the small pieces where the analytics starts with a small piece and builds it up to the bigger one.

And so I wondered, especially when you said that, that you were saying like six, six, six word phrases, um, were you, were you echoing those or were you repeating them? Do you, do you know?

I don’t even, I don’t even, don’t even know.

I mean, you, you, you weren’t old enough to remember it yourself. I don’t know if anyone had ever mentioned it to you, but it did maybe made me wonder, you know, maybe you were a gestalt language processor and you were just absorbing all that stuff during those years.

And then it, then it, because, because obviously today. It has not made a difference in who you are as an adult. I mean, it has because it’s affected who you are, but you’re able to communicate with me here. This, this isn’t a problem with, with this. Um, so, so parents are listening. I may have just totally confused everyone, but, but I was curious how all this, because I find it just fascinating how it all kind of ties together.

And each of these little beings that are coming into the world, they come with their own little wiring of how they’re going to, to navigate the world. And, um, and it’s interesting to me that You know, with, with help and support, they, they can get there and they can, they can be independent adults who are out there in the world making a difference.

But as, as parents, sometimes it gets a little frustrating because you don’t know how to help them get there. And um, and that’s part of this interview too, listeners, because Katie’s work, you’re going to hear a little bit more about what she’s doing now. She’s actually making a difference in those kids now.

Um, but let’s, let’s go back. So, you found out first, or your parents found out, that you had a language impairment by the time you were three. Is that right? Am I following that right? Yes. So were they buying you toys with sounds when you were two? Like, like, so, so, so many parents seem to do if they aren’t talking by the time they’re two.

No.

I always, I always laugh because I, I hear of well meaning grandparents giving at Christmas. If they’re not talking by the time 18 to 24 months that they, they need all of these noisy toys so that they, they can hear language all the time. So as you were getting older, were you diagnosed with any other disabilities or impairments?

Yes. At the age of five years old, I was diagnosed with learning disabilities in written expression, math, and reading comprehension.

So was that dysgraphia or dyscalculia or was it a different type of?

Um, they, they just called it, um, what, like written expression, um, math and reading comprehension. They didn’t call it label anything.

Yeah. I don’t think it always needs a name that’s in there. You kind of, so some, I think with those, like it does help. For students who have those specific diagnosis, I think it helps because the way that the brain is twisting things around sometimes it may help knowing how to attack it. But, um, but you’re right.

It really doesn’t, doesn’t make a big difference there. How did you learn? Writing, reading, I mean, your basic skills in school were all being affected by this.

Mm hmm. It was, it was challenging. I, um, had lots of support with the special education system growing up.

Did you, um. Now, you’re, you’re younger than I am, so I don’t know what, what your schooling was like.

So I’m going to just ask, were you in a mainstream class or were you, were you pulled out for services or were you in a, uh, a special ed class only?

Well, when I was three years old, I was in a language. preschool classroom setting. And then when I got to kindergarten, I was in a self contained class with nine to 10 students and pulled out for, um, other services.

Such as OT and resource and speech. And then when I was in first grade, they realized that I had some potential. So they went ahead and had me mainstreamed for a little bit of. My time in first grade, and then I was fully mainstreamed when I was in second grade and was pulled out for related services.

Okay. Yeah. So my, my children and those are listening, you’ve, you’ve, you’ve heard me talk about the kids through, through different interviews. Um, they always had, um, Push in services for theirs. Um, little, little different. My daughter is visually impaired, so her teachers would come in to her. She would be pulled out at times for different instruction, but she had the support in the classroom and then my son as well.

He was pulled out at times in those in those elementary years and then as he got older, um, it would just be as he needed. He might have a couple of days a week where he was pulled out, but he was mainly in the classroom and able to keep going. Um, so parents, every school system is going to be different.

Every school is going to be different in how they address that for your child. And, um, and we’ve talked about IEPs before and 504 plans and all. You just want to be listening to, um, to what the school has and how they’re, how they’re there to support. And so it may not always look the same, even from year to year.

But, um, but the main thing is that your child is getting that, that, that support that they need so they can continue moving forward. Um, So Katie, one of the things that, that stood out for me, and we’re going to talk about this whenever we, we talk about your contact information later, but one of your, um, social media accounts is called Girl Not College Material.

Can you tell me a specific experience or memory, um, about when you were told that you weren’t college material because of the language?

Sure. Um, I was told. In high school when I was transitioning and figuring out what I wanted to do after I graduated. Um, I had a. Guidance counselor tell me that maybe I should just get a job as a childcare worker and not try going to college.

And then I’ve also had many people in my, in my life going through college tell me the same thing.

We had another guest on who had the same situation and she actually is working in the same field as you now. Um, and I, I, I love hearing the stories because I want our parents to hear that you, you don’t have to accept no.

You know, it’s, and in your case. How, how, how early did you know that, that you wanted to be a teacher?

Oh, I’ve known I was, I knew I wanted to be a teacher or something like a teacher, like a para educator. Um, when I, when I was growing up.

So you, you had the passion to, to, to not necessarily let them squash that for you.

Um, but you had some challenges cause you were, I’m assuming that you were working with some form of special education all the way through school. Yes. All the way through school. Did you have any teachers who were really supportive and encouraging of you?

Yes. I did have some teachers in high school who were really supportive and encouraging of me.

My, Um, special education teacher and when I was in high school, um, I took a class within the class, meaning I had a special education teacher and a general education teacher in the class at the same time and the special education teacher would support the people with disabilities in that class. I would always go to her to ask for support and questions. Well, one day she told me to ask my teacher the questions and she pulled me out of my shell and, um, got me to self advocate and I wouldn’t be where I’m at today without her and without my other high school.

I, I love hearing that because so many times we, we hear the stories of the negative and, and my, my own children have had enough, enough negative there.

And we remember those negative things you, you’ve named your account because of that negative statement, but, but you’ve also named it because you proved them wrong, which was even better.

Yes.

I love it whenever we could remember the positives that were there to, to, to help us get, get through it as well.

Um, so you had the teachers that were there. What were some of the other, um, strategies and resources that helped you overcome your language impairment? Well, especially when you got out of high school and into higher education, what were some of those strategies and resources that were there for you?

I, um, utilized the Access Office Counselor at the, at the community college I went to, and then.

and, Um, I as well utilized my teachers and professor or professors at Maryville University. When I started at Maryville University, I went ahead and, um, used their disability services office and then realized after that year, like I can probably get more support from my teachers instead.

Did you, did you stay connected with the disability resource office?

Yes. Um, I stay connected with the disability office at the community college, yes, but not as much in, um, at Maryville.

The reason I ask that is because both of my kids are in college right now and they both work with their disability services office, but they, they have to work with all their teachers specifically because that’s who’s implementing any of the accommodations that they have.

But they do have accommodations for extended time for separate setting and all. And if they didn’t have the accommodation form at each of their colleges, their teachers couldn’t give them those accommodations. So did you not have to, like, were your teachers able to give you what you needed without you having to have the official document from disability services?

Well, at the beginning, when I was at Merrimack Community College in St. Louis, I utilized the ACCESS office and took tests and stuff out of class, especially math and, um, other classes that were more challenging than the classes I took at Maryville University because the classes I took at Maryville University were in my field and I, and I just felt more comfortable with, with those classes and just stayed and did the tests and, and everything in class if there were tests.

Okay. So, yeah, because, because if you didn’t need to use extended time or separate setting, then, then you’re right. They’re really, you, you, you probably could just work things out with your instructors and you could always have gone back if you had an instructor who would, would not work with you with that.

Um, yeah, I hadn’t, I hadn’t thought about that cause, cause both of mine, they, they do have some specific. Um, situations where they need that and it makes it easier for them being able to talk to their teachers if they’ve already had the document come through ahead of time. Now how it’s implemented is different from teacher to teacher because, but they, but they, they know at least that they have permission to, to make those adjustments if they need to.

So I, I, and I’m just curious on this one because just because my kids are in college right now, did you get an associate’s degree first when you were at the community college before you went to, to your four year college?

Yes, I went ahead and got an associate’s degree in early childhood education. And then after that, I knew I wasn’t done.

So then I took the more class, harder classes that I needed to transfer to Maryville University.

Would you recommend students who are facing learning challenges to take the community college route before a four-year college?

Yes. Yes, I would do that, um, just a smaller setting and, and, um, and I was able to take like nine credit hours instead of the full 12.

Oh, nice.

Mm. Yes.

When, when you got to the four-year college, did you, did you keep taking nine credits or did you move up to 12 at that point?

I moved up to 12 at that point because there were more classes in, in my field. The first year I went to Maryville, I took a. anatomy and physiology class and a psychology class and just focused on that because science has always been difficult for me. And then after that semester, I then took the full. for credit, the full load with my other classes.

The gen ed are the hardest, I think, because they’re not always in your interest area. So there, you know, and whether it’s math or science or language or the language and reading, everyone has one subject that’s just hard for them.

And so, so I, I do agree the smaller class size community colleges, your professors are more likely to be there to want to see you succeed. And so they’re, they’re, they’re usually willing to invest time. Um, and so I, and I’ve, I’ve seen that benefit as well, um, with my own kids and they even started in high school cause they were able to do the dual enrollment and start taking a class at a time with it to kind of ease into that, that package before they went on.

Another thing I wanted to ask you about, because, because my audience is primarily parents, we do have, um, educators and. professionals who listen. Um, and we have grandparents and siblings and neighbors who listen as well, but the parents are who, who we’re usually talking to. Thinking of a young parent who has a child, maybe, maybe they’re a three-year-old or maybe they’re in elementary school now and they’re facing a language impairment.

What advice would you give that parent who has children in that stage right now?

I would use visuals and, um, try and help. them communicate with visuals. I did not have that growing up. My parents and teachers purposely ignored my pointing and gestures to try to get me to communicate and that didn’t go smoothly.

Are you thinking like an AAC device or or what type?

Probably an AAC device or just even Text pictures that show symbols and visuals for the students.

And I know they have, um, even for like an iPad, um, like a, um, digital AAC device where your iPad can become that. So we’re not talking about having to buy another piece of equipment.

Right.

We have that equipment already. What about sign language? Did they ever try that with you?

No, no, they never, they did not try that with me. They tried that with my husband, not with me.

So my, um, my daughter did better with sign language as, as a baby than my son did, but it helped. Now, of course she was my first, so I could focus just on her, but at the time, my son got here, there were two of them.

Now I was a little bit busier, but, um, but with her in those early years when no child has language yet, but they have. Um, it did help her communicate with us, and it was just simple little signs that she knew, but it cut down a lot of the frustration that she might’ve had. And I’m thinking, three years old, you knew what you wanted to say.

You, you had things you were trying to communicate and you were trying to find a way to do it. It sounds like.

Yes.

So, um, so yeah, so I, I would think whether it’s an AAC device or I I’ve seen, you know, just flashcards where, but to me that would get hard to keep up with if you just had a box of pictures, they’d be in there forever trying to find, find what they’re trying to say.

Yes.

I think that’s an excellent idea using the communication devices. Are there other ways that parents can help their children build self-confidence when they’re facing adversity? So maybe, maybe not just language impairment, but, but any child who’s, who’s in the special needs or disability community, ways that parents might be able to help build their self, self-confidence.

Possibly by teaching them self-advocacy skills at a young age, because I did not learn self-advocacy skills until I was a junior in high school.

Wow. Yeah.

I didn’t have the, none of the teachers really were that supportive on teaching me those skills because I was a shy and quiet kid in class and, um, I don’t think they knew exactly how to teach me those skills.

Um, and just going that route and showing the students that, Hey, you’re your own person. You can, um, speak up and, and tell your teachers and peers what, what you need, what will help you.

Um, I, I agree with that. We, with our, with our children, we even helped them, um, starting around middle school and composing emails to their teachers so that it would come from them and then we would We would help them fix it so that it said what they wanted, but they learned that you could communicate in different ways.

So if they didn’t want to say something in front of the class or if they didn’t want to say something because they were gonna Be late to get to the next class and if they stayed after class to do that It gave them a way to open the door and they always had teachers who would who would correspond with them that way So it made it easier.

We always tagged because they were so young, we would have them tag our account. So the teacher knew that we were part of that conversation. Um, but it taught them what they’re using now in college because now they can text or, or email their professors, um, and either set up an appointment, you know, if they can stay after class or if they can come in a few minutes early, if there’s something that they need to, to go over with them, or if they, if they’re missing something like where they, they didn’t quite catch it in class and they, they just need that support.

Um, and parents, I think that’s, that’s great advice because starting as young as you can. Helping them learn to address what their needs are and to explain why, why it’s a need. Where they’re not coming in and saying, you know, I demand this that isn’t what we’re saying. No, we’re saying You you you you want to have a team effort?

Where where the teacher that they’re talking to is or it may not be a teacher It could be a coach. It could be someone in their church Sunday school or something anywhere that they’re working with other adults where they can Can just simply matter of factly state what it is That, that they need, and then it’s not a big deal.

It’s easy for someone else to help them if they know what it is. Um, and even being able to explain to their friends. Uh, my daughter was telling me she’s, you know, she’s um, almost out of school now. But she was saying that she still has to go through that, um, when she meets new friends. because they don’t understand that she doesn’t drive.

And so, you know, so she can’t just go meet them for a cup of coffee somewhere. It’s, it’s, it’s, it’s, it’s a little bit more than that. And, um, and so, you know, so she still kind of goes through that texting them and having to just kind of find the easiest way to explain it without having to go into great detail of what’s going on.

So we talked a little bit about the parents, um, for the kids, especially kids who are already in maybe those upper elementary years and, and beyond. Um, what advice would you give to the kids themselves who have any type of special needs but want to pursue their dreams, even if they might face some setbacks?

So in, in, in your case, you, you knew what that dream was. You weren’t encouraged by everyone, but you did have some encouragement coming through there as well. What advice would you give them as far as do they continue pursuing? I know the answer isn’t to give up, but, but do they give up?

I would, um, continue pursuing and if you feel that college isn’t right for you, or if you don’t want to take that path, you could always try it and just, and then get a job.

Um, working in somewhat of a similar field.

We were just talking about that with my daughter, um, with a friend of hers that she was trying to think of a way to encourage them to, to maybe to get a part time job in that area and start learning as they’re taking some classes at community college. So that was, that was her advice to them to, to just kind of be able to observe it a little bit.

Um, you know, and maybe even if you could get in and interview someone in that area. and find out what there, there may be a job out there you don’t even know about that’s still related to that first one. Um, so yeah, it’s a great, great, great advice there. Our listeners may want to, to follow up with you or to follow what you’re doing.

What’s the best way for them to get in touch with you if they want to, if they have any questions for you, if they just want to check in on what you’re doing.

I am on Facebook and my Um, Facebook page is called “Girl Who Was Not College Material.” And then I’m also on Instagram as “College Material Girl.”

I like, I like the Instagram one better.

And then you have some projects coming up that, that you’re working on right now. You want to tell us about those?

Yes. I am working on building a website and I am also working on writing a book about my life story. Um, I looked into writing a book about my life story. During the pandemic, um, I read a book called Stutter Interrupted by Nina G and I read her story and hers kind of was a little similar with mine.

And I was like, if she could write a book about her life story, I could. And I’m also writing it because there’s not too many memoirs about people who live with a language impairment and learning disabilities. They’re more like research based books.

Yep. No, I agree. Yeah. So, um, any idea when you think the book might be coming out?

I am pretty hopeful it’ll come out in the next couple of years. Um, at this point I have two dachshunds and they’re a little distracting, so I have to leave my house to go do some writing.

Well and you have a husband and you have a job and you’re doing public speaking. You have a few things on your plate.

Right.

Well, we’ll have to, we’ll have to stay, stay in touch and find out when that, when that comes out.

Listeners keep in touch with her with Instagram and Facebook cause I’m sure she’ll be posting there as the website comes out and as the book comes out. And um, you also had some handouts that, that you had mentioned too.

Yes. Yes. Um, I. As I was setting up my presentations that I’ve spoken at, um, I have like, um, handouts that help children with disabilities learn to be their own self advocate.

I’ve broken it down from preschool all the way through college and through Employment. And I also have self management sheets as well to where the students in elementary school, middle school and high school can look at those sheets to see where they feel they’re at as being their own self advocate.

Excellent. Excellent. Those are great resources. So if our listeners want to get a copy of that, should they DM you on Instagram? How should they reach out to you?

They can, um, send me a direct message on Instagram. And I also have a, an email address that is going to be connected with my, um, website, which is katie.selby11[@]gmail.com.

I’ll put that in the show notes as well so that listeners can connect with that. Well, Katie, thank you for sharing this with us today. I’ve, I’ve learned some from this and, um, and I’m encouraged by it too, because I love hearing how someone comes out of adversity, but in your case, that was a pretty strong discouragement that you had, but I love what you did with that and, um, and not only going on and pursuing your dreams, getting that full four year education and working as a para educator.

Just as you had always dreamed of doing, but, um, but keeping that reminder there through the names on your accounts, which I think is great.

Yes.

So thank you. Thank you very much for, for joining me today.

Thank you for having me.

​

The post 86: Language Impairment and the Path to Victory appeared first on Water Prairie.

Find the full directory at waterprairie.com/listen.

In this exciting episode, Tonya interviews Afsaneh Moradian about the 2nd Neurodiverse Homeschooling Summit, designed to support parents homeschooling neurodivergent children. Afsaneh shares her motivation for organizing the summit, aiming to offer practical help for parents facing unique challenges.

The conversation digs into the first summit’s focus on aiding parents in thriving while homeschooling and the upcoming second round, highlighting the possibilities and creative aspects of homeschooling.

Afsaneh, a homeschooling coach, emphasizes the importance of tailored support for parents dealing with communication, planning, and connection struggles. She extends her advice to parents considering homeschooling, stressing the commitment it entails and advocating for it only if it significantly benefits the child.

Afsaneh also mentions her children’s book series, “Jamie is Jamie,” which champions self-expression, gender neutrality, pronoun awareness, and self-advocacy in kids aged 4-8. The interview concludes with contact information for Afsaneh’s coaching services and books.

2nd Neurodiverse Homeschooling Summing Information:

Connect with Afsaneh:

Are you getting our newsletter? If not, subscribe at https://waterprairie.com/newsletter

Support our podcast and help us share more incredible stories by making a donation at Buy Me A Coffee. Your contribution makes a significant impact in bringing these stories to light. Thank you for your support!

https://BuyMeACoffee.com/waterprairie

Music Used:

“LazyDay” by Audionautix is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 license. https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Artist: http://audionautix.com/

*******************

Afsaneh Moradian is a homeschooling coach and author of the beloved picture book series Jamie is Jamie which has sold over 10,000 copies internationally and has become a classroom and home library favorite. As a homeschooling coach, she guides adults by giving them the language to communicate effectively with their children, empowering them to create learning spaces that are safe and inclusive, so children can thrive. 

Afsaneh is a doctoral candidate in education and has a Masters in Education. As an educator and curriculum writer for over 20 years, she has worked with hundreds of students from preschool to graduate level.

Afsaneh has led various teacher training workshops and has appeared on the Consciously Parenting Podcast, Authority Magazine, CHADD’s Ask the Expert Series, Mamas at Work Podcast, ADHD is My Superpower Podcast, Caregiver Chronicles Podcast, USLA Radio, and more. She is the host of the Neurodiverse Homeschooling Summit. 

Afsaneh enjoys homeschooling her unique child and drinking iced matcha lattes. 

Full Transcript of Interview:

Tonya: Afsaneh, welcome to Water Prairie.

Afsaneh: Thank you so much for having me. I’m so excited to be here.

Today we’re gonna be, um, talking about a topic that we haven’t addressed yet, and that is homeschooling for neurodivergent children.

So if you’re a parent who’s. Who’s thinking about homeschooling. Maybe you’re already homeschooling. Stay through to the end of this because we have a lot of good content coming up and some links that you’ll want to check out after you finish listening to this. But before that, if you’ve been listening this season, you know that for each guest, we’re playing the game of Two Truths and a Lie.

And Afsaneh has agreed to play the game with us, even though I didn’t give her any warning on this one. I usually tell my guests ahead of time. But she is prepared to share three facts or pseudofacts with us and let us guess which one is a lie and which two are the truths. So Afsaneh, what are your facts that you want to share with us?

So when I was a kid, I had a pet hamster. And when I was a teenager, I dyed my hair pink. And when I was 17, I got into a car accident.

All right, listeners, your job now is to listen to the rest of this episode. If you’re watching on YouTube, go ahead in the comments. You can post your guess of what you think the answer is.

You can either write the two that you think are true, or the one that you think is lie or is is the liar or all of the above. If you’re listening on the audio or reading it on the the website, then go to either Twitter or Instagram to the matching. I’ll post for this and you’ll see where the, the questions are and you’ll be able to post your answer there.

A week after this episode releases, I’ll come back and I’ll post the answer so you can check your work.

Welcome to the Water Prairie Chronicles, a podcast created to encourage and support parents of special needs children. I’m Tonya Wollum and I’m glad you’re here.

Today, we’re talking about homeschooling specifically for neurodivergent children.

And um, and so Afsaneh has put together, and we first met actually this past summer when she had a summit that she put together called the Neurodivergent Homeschool Summit, if I remember correctly. Do I have the right name?

Neurodiverse Homeschooling Summit.

Neurodiverse. I was close. I was close. Yes. How did that idea even come into being? What was your inspiration? How did you come up with the idea of putting all that together?

I think it’s really hard to homeschool. And I think that a lot of what we get as homeschooling parents is how great it is and all the things you can buy and how amazing it is. And I don’t think there’s that much available about the struggles And when you’re homeschooling a unique child, there are very specific extra challenges and I just don’t feel like anything in life prepares you for that to that point.

And so I’ve always just felt like it’s very unfair. To ask parents, you know, mostly moms to, um, to figure it out on their own. And I don’t think that anybody should have to figure this stuff out on their own. You know, I got into education after, you know, an undergraduate degree. In the field’s practice, a master’s, I’m a doctoral candidate.

I’ve taught from, you know, preschool to graduate school. And when I started homeschooling my own unique child, it was really hard and it took a few years to figure out. And so I get all of the struggles and the resistance and the pressure and the anxiety and all of those things. And I just felt like, um, there should be a place that really acknowledges that and offers.

Real support in so many different ways that can make a very quick impact in the quality of life for the parents. So the first neurodiverse homeschooling summit was really focused on the parents being able to thrive from homeschooling and not so much about, you know, exactly how to help your children, but how to help yourself while you’re helping your kids.

And that that to me was really important because I don’t think there’s enough. caretaking of, um, parents that are put in this very difficult situation. So it’s kind of sink or swim, but you don’t, you don’t have to do it on your own. There are, you know, people that can help. And so this, the summit did that, brought everyone together to offer real support.

When some of the topics that you covered during that one, um, you had some organization things you had, you know, it was, it, I thought it was a really good set of tools. For parents that were either, you know, just had been homeschooling for years or thinking about coming into it. I was excited when I saw, saw what all you had to offer.

What were some of your main goals and objectives that you had for that first, the first one? You said, you said trying to support the parent. But, um, but did you have kind of some, some big ones that you were really trying to accomplish during that one?

Yeah, I think one of the topics that came up more than the others, Was how to, um, take care of your emotions when things get very difficult, how to regulate yourself, how to care for yourself, how to, and how to keep in mind what you would like for your own life.

So, you know, time management, self care. We even had a couple of people about how to start a business. So you can have additional income, you know, if that’s something that you’d like and really, you know, that you still get to be a person and you’re supposed to enjoy the process of homeschooling and still move forward in advance as a human being.

Um, so I think that all of the topics were really connected to that. And then there were some that were, you know, how to have a deeper understanding of what your child is going through. Once you have that, it becomes easier for you as the parent. So I would say, I mean, it was very directed at homeschooling, but a lot of this stuff really comes down to communication and communicating ways through the struggles, through.

the resistance, which, you know, when there’s learning involved, we really want to take care of it. But as we know, as parents, there’s resistance with brushing teeth and getting shoes on or doing homework or, you know, so I feel like a lot of the, the sort of wisdom, knowledge and suggestions really extend beyond just the few hours that you’re homeschooling into, you know, how do you approach parenting and living with neurodivergent kids?

When I, I remember when I saw the list of the topics that you covered the first round, and of course we, we, we’re going to tell more at the end, but there is, listeners, there is another round about to come up. So, so which is why, why we’re talking about this right now. But I couldn’t help but think that whether you’re homeschooling or not, as a parent who wants to be actively involved in your child’s education, almost all of those topics were going to be informative and, and valuable.

So, um, so it is specifically designed for homeschool. If you have a child who’s in a private school setting or a public school setting, you may still find some topics that are of benefit. To you as you’re helping to work with those teachers who are working with your child because as we know, we’re one we may be the main teacher for our child, but our goal is that our child has other adults in their lives too.

And so we need to be able to help those others know how to interact with them too. So I, um, so I feel like even if our listeners are not homeschooling, this still may be of interest to them. So, um, so every, everyone listen through to the end. You may find some pieces in this that, that are, that are of value to you as well.

Can you, um, talk a little bit about some of the specific challenges when we’re talking about neurodiverse children? We’re thinking of, um. Autism, we’re thinking of ADHD, um, dyslexia. What are some of the other, other types of, of students who may have a diagnosis that would come under that category of neurodiverse?

ADHD or ADD, anxiety, high anxiety, you know, kids that are easily frustrated, sensory, sensory processing. Disorder is a huge thing. How things feel, you know, or sound or, you know, all the sensory stuff that can definitely impede learning. Um, I think those are those are the main ones. And I would just say also, you know, just for intense kids. A lot of the diagnoses include high levels of anxiety.

Parents, if you have a young one, you may understand what we mean when we say emotionally intense kids, because, um, you may have, you may have seen that behavior, or if you have a elementary age, you may be. Be seeing that as well.

Um, but that, that’s the group that we’re thinking of. Of course, this, this expands beyond just that group, but that’s, that’s what we’re talking about here. But, um, Afsaneh, I wanted to ask you, when we’re thinking of that particular group of kids, what are some of the specific challenges that a parent may face in trying to learn how to homeschool?

with that. You were talking about patients earlier. There’s, there’s some other challenges that, that may come in there. Can you speak to a couple of those? Or I know kind of, kind of putting you on the spot with this question.

No, no, I’m so happy to. This is, this is my, this is my world. This is my passion. Happy to, happy to talk about it. Um, I think that when we go into the idea of learning or learning at home, we take with us what we know of education and what we’ve experienced. It’s, With education, which may be private school or public school, but it’s, you know, a teacher and then kids in a classroom and for most of us, the experience was more teacher centered rather than student centered.

And it was everyone doing the same activities. Maybe not in the same way, but at the same time, and there’s a lot of management of behavior and of bodies and of activities. And so that doesn’t really work very well for a lot of neurodivergent kids, which is why parents decide to homeschool, but then they don’t really know how to create something different.

So it seems like, Oh, I’m going to homeschool. So what I need to do is buy a curriculum, set up a space in my house, and we’ll do school at home. And then it doesn’t go very well often with neurodivergent kids, and the parents are just really caught off guard. They don’t know why, and so what they get is pushback, or we call it resistance, right?

This is the math assignment. I don’t want to do that. That’s too hard. That’s boring. That’s this or that. And the, the missing piece that parents don’t get to learn about, and a lot of teachers don’t learn about either, Is that in order for neurodivergent kids to learn, they have to find meaning and purpose in that learning and really all kids would prefer to have meaning and purpose, but some kids will do two hours of worksheets and not complain, but for neurodivergent kids, they have to, if they don’t have meaning and purpose, they’re not able to do it.

And the other thing about neurodivergent kids is that if they’re unable to do something, they, they can’t. They’re unable to do it. Whereas other kids, maybe they’ll, they’ll try, they won’t complain, they won’t, they won’t give pushback. Maybe they’ll just do it all wrong, right? Get all the wrong answers, but they’re still trying and they’re, and they got a smile on their face.

And neurodivergent kids just can’t, if there’s something they’re unable to do. And they can’t get over it. They can’t get past it. They can’t pretend that there isn’t a problem. There’s a problem. They’re blocked. It’s done. It’s not going to happen. So if the adult pushes, you know, wants them to get over it and do it anyway, there’s probably going to be some kind of explosion and that, that catches parents off guard.

It really, it really does because it’s not what you’re allowed to do at school. It’s not the behaviors. that go along with learning in our experience. And then we see, you know, we’re trying to teach our kids. We’ve spent all this money on this amazing curriculum online or, on paper or whatever. We’re so excited about it and our kids are like going into crisis.

And it’s like, wait a minute. That’s not what I signed up for. I don’t know what to do. So that, that definitely I think are the key, the key challenges that come up. And then parents just don’t know how to respond. They just don’t know what to do about it. So that’s, I think that’s what happens generally.

We’re releasing this on January 5th and in just a couple of days, the second round. What can you tell us about that? What if people want, want to attend, what can they, what can they expect to find? How does it run? Just any information you can give us about, about kind of what, what is it? Because we’ve kind of touched on a little bit, but not the details of what it is.

Sure. So this, the part two, part two of the NeuroDiverse Homeschooling Summit is really focused on the possibilities of really how great things can be and what is possible. And so it’s still going to, just like the first one, there’s still going to be occupational therapists who are giving real tips and suggestions and, you know, valuable knowledge about different aspects of, you know, children’s development.

But also there’s going to be people talking about the creative side and, you know, what’s possible for kids when they’re homeschooling, you know, starting businesses or, you know, learning new things and just the, the real, um, the possibilities, the limitless possibilities. Once you kind of break free of sitting at a table, doing learning as a definition of homeschooling.

And so, I’m, I’m really excited for parents to get to be a part of that. So it’s still support for parents of what you need, you know, to set your day up and set yourself up to succeed at homeschooling. But it’s also kind of broadening out our expectations for what’s possible for our unique kids.

So, there’s a sign up that they’ll need to go to. And then like, how, how do, if they want to check into this, how do they register? How do they get in there?

So I’m sure the link is somewhere very accessible to this video or this podcast. Um, so yeah, you just, you sign up to, um, participate in it. The summit is free. It’s really important that you sign up because the way it works is the speakers.

Um, have a segment, you know, 15 to 20 minute segment, and there’s like one to two speakers a day. So, but their, their pages are only available for that day. So you need to sign up so that you get the email. There’s an email in the morning and then there’s a reminder in the evening. Otherwise. Um, and that way you can see all of the speakers, you know, who’s speaking that day, how to access their page, how to download their resources, because each speaker is sharing a free resource with the attendees and they’re amazingly, amazingly valuable stuff to download, you know, do on your own time.

And so that’s why you sign up and then you get the access every day to the speakers. And, you know, there is a VIP all access pass for people who are busy and they just aren’t able to tune in every day, then you can just have access to the whole thing from day one and just watch it in your own time and have access for months and months and months to the resources, the speakers, the whole, the whole thing.

So that is, um, that’s how the summit is set up.

Great. So, um, she, she said there’ll be links somewhere. Look in the show notes or in the description if you’re on the video and you’ll see a direct link there going to it. So you’ll be able to, to check in where it is. And what I really love about what you’re doing with this is that it is free access to everyone.

It’s um, but if you’re listening, you’ll want to stay on top of it though because it is daily and it’s only what, 24 hours from the time it releases?

Yes. Yeah. 9 a. m. Eastern to, you know, yeah. 9 a. m. Eastern the next day.

Right. So, so whenever, so whenever it releases, just watch it before, before you, you go to bed that night.

So, so you know, you know, you’ve gotten it. And the resources, um, from last time I know they were, they were excellent. The, the, the types of, of free downloads that you were able to get were, were really nice for each one. And um, and then the other thing too is if you are busy and you’re not going to be able to focus on the time.

The, what I noticed was that your price for someone to come in and be able to access all of it was, was a good price. It wasn’t, you know, thousands of dollars or anything like that. This is something that pretty much every parent should be able to reach. And um, so if you, if you’re thinking, I’m, I’m, I’m too busy to be able to attend this, check, at least, at least go, go to the page, see, see what there is to, to, to find there and then, and then see how it’s set up.

I think, I think it’s, it’ll, it’ll surprise you whenever you get there. So, beyond that, um, you also, your regular job, you know, you, you have homeschool mom, you have running a summit, you also have a coaching business. Is that correct?

Yes, I am a homeschooling coach for exactly what I’ve been talking about. For parents struggling to homeschool their unique kids, diagnosis or not, if it’s a struggle, the communication part, the planning part, the connection part. That’s what I work with parents on, because it all, it all fits together. The communication piece is so important. You get rid of, you know, if you change how you communicate, you actually can parent and homeschool without power struggles.

I know nobody believes me, but absolutely you can do it without, without the sort of conflicts, without the pushback, without the power struggles. But what I say, you know, what I always say to my clients is you can have the best communication in the world, but if that math assignment is not developmentally appropriate, your child can’t do it.

So I work with parents to really, you know, go through the communication piece, but then make sure that they’re empowered to be able to, in the moment that it’s not working, make changes so that learning can continue. Um, even if it’s not that exact assignment from the curriculum that they’ve chosen. So being able to modify, being able to really see who their child is as an individual, their learning needs that all, you know, I, I help parents have that and have that approach so that then they’re good to go for years and years and years.

What types of resources and support are you able to give to through your coaching?

So I have, um, an eight week. Highly customized coaching program. So it’s one on one and we just go through who you are and what your needs are and your expectations of homeschooling. And we work with that while also recognizing who your kids are.

You know, some people are homeschooling more than one child with more than one diagnosis and they’re kind of, you know, it’s hard when they come to me, they’re, they’ve usually, you know, they’re in dire straits. Um, and we, we turn it around so, so fast and, you know, we work together to look at what is that specific situation?

Who are the people involved? What do they need? How to streamline planning, how to make it so much easier for yourself so that the learning is actually on the kids, not on the adults, which is like, it’s, that’s a tough thing, especially, you know, so many teachers. Are like sweating by the end of the day and it’s like, nah, you know, when I was teaching like, nah, the kids, the kids are going to do the work and I’m going to, I’m going to like facilitate the learning.

I’m not going to do, you know, they have to, they have to sweat more than I do. Right? So, you know, figuring out what does that mean for your kids and then really creating the meaningful high level learning experiences so that the kids are engaged, intellectually challenged, excited about what they’re doing.

And you don’t have to have the stress and the worry and the anxiety of, you know, is my child learning enough? Are they going to succeed in life or, you know, there’s a lot of pressure. There’s a lot of, a lot of pressure from external pressure, pressure we put on ourselves. So that’s what we do over the course of eight weeks as we go through all of that.

What’s the communication? What’s the planning look like? How do we modify? How do we create experiences? That are going to be amazing for your individual family because homeschooling kind of has to be unique as unique as your kids are because they, they’re, these are not one size fits all children and neither are you, right?

So we want it to be fun for you with your passions, your interests, you know, you should laugh, you should, you know, this is your life, so I’m very focused on the parent and, you know, that. If you’re struggling, the kids are struggling. If you’re confident, empowered, you, you know, have an idea, it’s not always going to go perfectly, but if you know how to do the trial and error, if you know generally what direction you’re going in, then you can handle anything that comes up and you’re fine, right?

So that’s what I set you up to do. I give you those tools, this, you know, an approach to, to fall back on. And then, you know, parents are, are pretty okay. And I do have some, you know, digital products, some like self study type things, um, for people who aren’t ready for one to one coaching, but there’s, there’s really nothing like going through your specific situation and the help that you need.

And I, you know, just like, I can’t create a one size fits all thing because it’s so highly customized, but I do, I do have, you know, like a resistance handbook that just gives a very in depth explanation of. What resistance is, why do kids resist and sort of, you know, how to respond in ways that won’t lead to a power struggle.

So that’s, that is something that is available. But, um, and I’m making more and more, you know, smaller digital products too, but that’s mainly what I do is the, is the one on one coaching.

So, parents who have not started homeschooling yet or those who are and need a little bit of extra support, they would both be potential clients for you?

Absolutely. Okay. And you know, I mean, I do focus on homeschooling, but parents who are struggling with communication and just, you know, battling over homework every night and that sort of thing, who really would like a different approach. You know, I can, I can help out with that as well.

What advice, do you have any final advice that you would give to parents who are considering homeschooling, but they haven’t started yet?

If you want to do it, go for it. If school is working for your child, you don’t have to homeschool. I know it’s very on trend. Everybody’s homeschooling now, but I’m just going to say it is a real, it is a real commitment. It is a real endeavor and it’s not, it’s not easy. Like it takes a little bit of time to figure out.

So if your child is fine, is healthy, is thriving at school. It’s okay. You don’t have to pull them out of school to homeschool if, if they’re not, and you have the option to homeschool. I absolutely recommend it. I think homeschooling is an amazing opportunity to create a totally different educational experience where kids can really have, you know, amazing experiences and meaningful learning where they just Learn beyond what you thought was possible beyond what’s possible in school.

So I, you know, absolutely recommend giving kids, you know, an education where they feel confident and supported and excited. And I, I think if at all possible, you know, we should remove the anxiety and the stress and the pressure from learning. So that, you know, kids can just learn and have the joy of learning.

So homeschool enables us to do that. Once you know how to do that, then you can give your kids that. So. That’s, you know, so I’m, I’m of two minds about it. I don’t think everybody should pull their kids out of school and homeschool at all. But if you see that your kid is really struggling and it’s, they’re really not able to learn in the school settings available and you are able to homeschool, I think it’s an amazing gift that you can give your kids.

And then you probably need some support to figure out how to create that in your house for your kids.

Our listeners, some of them may want to get in touch with you. What’s the best way for them to contact you?

So my website is mlccoaching.com and I have, um, free consultation calls, 30 minute calls, and we can do a lot in 30 minutes.

So that I think is one of the best things to do, because then we have a chance to actually talk about. What you’re thinking and feeling and the kind of help you’re looking for and get an action plan together during that time. But you can also send me a private message, um, on Instagram. It’s my last name, then my first @moradian.afsaneh on Instagram and on, um, Facebook. It’s MLC Homeschool Coaching. So, if you send me a message, I will read it and I will respond. But I think the best is to, is to set up the consultation call and then we have a chance to really talk through whatever you’re going through. Cause some people send me messages and I don’t, I don’t have like two hours, you know, there’s a lot to say.

I don’t, I don’t have the time to really put it all in messages. So, you know, face to face, it goes a lot. It’s a lot faster.  

And we’ll, we’ll include those links in the show notes too. So you, you don’t have to remember them just hearing it once. Um, asana, what else do you want to tell me about, about what you’re doing?

Um, between your coaching, some projects you have coming up, anything else you want to talk about?

Sure. I’m so I’m also a children’s author and I have a picture book series, the Jamie is Jamie series at through, um, Free Spirit Publishing. And, um, it’s a really, you know, if I, if I do say so myself, it’s a really fantastic series of, um, validating kids and letting them know that play is all about just expressing yourself and being who you are.

So the first book is, you know, that play just doesn’t have gender, that you should just play and be yourself and be proud to be who you are and follow your interests and be a good friend. The second book is all about pronouns, people’s pronouns, how pronouns change, and how not to make assumptions about pronouns.

And the third book is self-advocacy for kids. You know, how do you share really important information with your grown-ups, which is kind of hard to do for kids sometimes? What do you, you know, to really say, what do you like, what do you dislike, what are you scared of? What are your preferences? Sometimes it’s really hard to say that even to your parent, like, Mom, I don’t want to do that.

You know, cause there’s kids are so scared to disappoint us or that we might get upset at them. So it’s all about self-advocacy and how to really, how to share with grownups. And then for the grownups, how to really listen to kids and really see them as individuals and respect. Their wishes, their, you know, their preferences and their ideas.

So, you said they’re children’s books. What age is it geared toward?

Four through eight, they’re picture books. They’re available on, you know, Free Spirit or Amazon or, you know, they’re in a lot of classrooms. You may have seen them, but, um, that is, that is the other part of my life. And it all fits together because I, you know, I had a unique child who couldn’t see themself in the books that we were reading.

So, I had to write one. And then I had, you know, I became a homeschooling mom because my kid couldn’t get what they needed from the schools that were available to us. And then, you know, I became a coach because I thought, wow, this was really awful. No one should do this alone. I want to make sure nobody goes through what I went through, so I’ll just help.

So that, that sort of, you know, my child very much set my life on. A different, a distant course that I never could have anticipated.

It’s amazing how much we learn from our children.

Absolutely. Well, absolutely.

This has been fun. I appreciate you sharing about this. Um, listeners remember, um, check out the links.

There’s several different types of links. You have the, the coaching if you’re, if you are homeschooling or thinking about it and want to work one on one with her, look for those links. You have the, The homeschool summit coming up, um, just in a matter of days and it, it’s more than just a couple of days.

So if you’re listening to this a week late, go ahead and, and check it out cause it’s still going on. And then you also have the book series. So we’ll try to find the links to those and get them in there as well. So you can, can find all of these and the resources. And if not, you can always shoot us an email and ask us more.

So, so thank you absolutely for coming on and joining us and sharing all of this with us.

Thank you. It was my pleasure. Thank you so much for having me.

The post 85. Embracing Neurodiversity in Homeschooling appeared first on Water Prairie.

Find the full directory at waterprairie.com/listen.

In this episode, we’re dishing out the hottest updates from the world of the Hunger Games and heartwarming news that’ll make your day!

Get ready for an exclusive peek into Sofia Sanchez’s journey from our past interview to the dazzling lights of the big screen! Her groundbreaking role in the latest Hunger Games movie has sparked conversations worldwide. Join us as we uncover Sofia’s remarkable achievement and the impact it’s making beyond the silver screen.

But wait, there’s more! Love is in the air as we share an unexpected romantic moment that went viral! You won’t want to miss this heartwarming surprise that’s stealing everyone’s hearts.

As we gear up for Thanksgiving, we’ve got exciting sneak peeks of upcoming projects that’ll keep you eagerly anticipating what’s to come.

Tune in for a bite-sized dose of inspiration, updates, and surprises that’ll leave you smiling. Join us on this adventure and don’t miss out on the fun!

Connect with Sofia Sanchez and Jennifer Varanini Sanchez:

Connect with Matthew Schwab:

DISCLAIMER: The Water Prairie Chronicles is an informational podcast. The contents of this episode are for informational purposes only. Check with your doctor and/or counselor with questions specific to your own journey.

Are you getting our newsletter? If not, subscribe at https://waterprairie.com/newsletter

Support our podcast and help us share more incredible stories by making a donation at Buy Me A Coffee. Your contribution makes a significant impact in bringing these stories to light. Thank you for your support!

https://BuyMeACoffee.com/waterprairie

Music Used:

“LazyDay” by Audionautix is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 license. https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Artist: http://audionautix.com/

*******************

The post 84. Hunger Games, Love, and Big Surprises! appeared first on Water Prairie.

Find the full directory at waterprairie.com/listen.

In this interview, Jami Kirkbride shares her insights and experiences as a parent of a child with invisible disabilities, particularly related to mental health challenges. The discussion revolves around the challenges parents face in helping others understand and support their children’s needs.

Jami emphasizes that invisible disabilities can be difficult to grasp for outsiders, leading to mislabeling or misunderstandings of a child’s behavior. These children may be wrongly perceived as undisciplined or defiant when, in reality, they are struggling to cope with their invisible disabilities.

She discusses various aspects of her journey, starting from early signs of her child’s challenges, such as needing structure and showing hyperactivity and impulsivity. As her child grew, they encountered issues with sensory processing difficulties, leading to meltdowns and overstimulation.

The conversation touches upon the importance of educating oneself about invisible disabilities and then sharing that knowledge with others, including extended family, teachers, coaches, and community members. Jami highlights the significance of using phrases like “My child is not giving me a hard time; they are having a hard time” to shift the narrative from judgment to understanding.

The interview underscores the value of open communication between parents, extended family, and other adults involved in the child’s life. Jami advises parents to create an “elevator speech” summarizing their child’s needs and fostering clarity in conveying those needs to others.

With the upcoming holiday season, Jami suggests having a family huddle to collaboratively plan for the holidays, involving the child in the decision-making process. She also recommends using a prepared letter to share with extended family members, encouraging them to understand the child’s challenges and offer support.

The interview provides valuable insights and practical advice for parents dealing with invisible disabilities, emphasizing the importance of awareness, communication, and collaboration to better support their children.

Connect with Jami:

DISCLAIMER: The Water Prairie Chronicles is an informational podcast. The contents of this episode are for informational purposes only. Check with your doctor and/or counselor with questions specific to your own journey.

Are you getting our newsletter? If not, subscribe at https://waterprairie.com/newsletter

Support our podcast and help us share more incredible stories by making a donation at Buy Me A Coffee. Your contribution makes a significant impact in bringing these stories to light. Thank you for your support!

https://BuyMeACoffee.com/waterprairie

Music Used:

“LazyDay” by Audionautix is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 license. https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Artist: http://audionautix.com/

*******************

With warmth, experience in professional counseling, and the wisdom gained from raising seven wonderful children, Jami Kirkbride works as a dedicated parent coach, speaker, and author. She offers valuable insights and practical guidance to empower those in the unique journeys of parenting. Founder of Parenting With Personality and creator of the transformative Calm Connection Parent Coaching Program, she equips parents with the tools and strategies they need to foster meaningful connections. She understands the struggle this can be when dealing with children who may be highly sensitive, highly emotional, intense, or exhibiting challenging behaviors.

As a regularly featured guest on ChannelMom Radio, her relatable stories and humorous anecdotes bring laughter and inspiration to listeners, making parenting an enjoyable and fulfilling adventure. Join Jami on this incredible journey and discover a world where connection, laughter, and growth abound, even in a bustling household with big emotions and unique challenges.

Full Transcript of Interview:

Tonya: Are you a parent dealing with the challenges of raising children with invisible disabilities? Maybe your child is highly sensitive, emotional, intense, or exhibits challenging behaviors. Today I’m talking with Jami Kirkbride, a dedicated parent coach, speaker, and author who offers practical guidance for empowering parents.

With seven children of her own and a background in professional counseling, Jami brings valuable insights to help you navigate the unique journey of parenting. In this conversation, she’ll share her wisdom and relatable stories to equip you with the tools and strategies needed to foster meaningful connections with your children.

Stay tuned for a special free resource Jami has in store for you at the end of this interview. Jami, welcome to Water Prairie.

Jami: Thank you. I’m so glad to be here.

So I’ve been looking forward to this. Jami and I met months ago online and we’ve been corresponding at different times, but it’s just taken us some time to find a mutual time where we could sit down and talk.

So we’re, um, we’re looking forward to bringing you some, some information today. I think a lot of you are going to be able to connect with us. So, stay with us. But if you’ve been listening this season, you know that I’ve been playing the game of two truths and a lie with each of my guests and we do this upfront.

So Jami has agreed to play the game with us and she’s provided us with three Facts about herself. Your job as a listener is to decide which one is really a lie. And if you’re watching on YouTube, put your com in the comment below what your guess is. Otherwise, go to Instagram or Twitter, find the post that matches this, and write your comment there.

A week after this releases, I’ll come back and I’ll post the answers so that you can check your, your, your work. The schoolteacher in me has to, has to have a, have, have a, have a check at the end there.

I love it. This is a great idea.

But listen to the whole episode first, cause you might get some tips in there of what the answer is.

All right. So Jami, what are your facts that you brought?

You bet. Number one, I helped undress a body for an autopsy. Number two, I love to surf the waves when I’m able to get away. And number three, I have shot a semi-automatic gun.

So, listeners, look at these three, see what, see what you think, and um, remember what your guess is.

And after you finish listening to this, go and check on Instagram or Twitter and put your answer there.

Voice Over: Welcome to the Water Prairie Chronicles, a podcast created to encourage and support parents of special needs children. I’m Tonya Wallum, and I’m glad you’re here.

Today we’re going to be talking about invisible disabilities and how they can sometimes influence how other people see our children.

So Jami, can you tell me a little bit about your experience as far as parenting a child with invisible disabilities?

You bet. You know, I think one of the things that makes invisible disabilities so challenging is that when your child is struggling with them, you feel like they are painfully obvious.

But to other people, they just maybe, you know, slap on a mislabeled, you know, diagnosis, or maybe they’re just calling it a misbehavior. Maybe they just think your child is hyper. Maybe they think they’re unmannered. Maybe they think they’re undisciplined. So they’re labeled with a lot of different things, but their real issue, or their wiring, as I sometimes like to refer to it, isn’t being understood.

And so for that reason, people miss what it is that they’re seeing.

The, um… So, I listed a couple of things that might fall into that category. I know I missed some. Can you think of any more that, just for parents that are listening that may not know, is this really what I’m looking at or not?

You bet. You know, for our son, we started early because we had the idea that maybe, um, his personality started looking like it was maybe just strong-willed.

But then by the time he was in preschool, he seemed to really need a lot of structure. He didn’t always really like the structure, but he functioned best within the structure. And then as he got a little older, we were like, you know, parts of this feel like maybe a little bit of ADHD and unfocused and maybe hyper-focus on certain things, but not the right things.

And then as he started getting just a little bit older in school, we started seeing Some of that, um, restraint collapse where maybe he would function well at school while other people watched, but we were reporting that he was coming home and falling apart at night and he just couldn’t hold it together anymore.

He was trying so hard all day that by the time he came home, it felt like we were dealing with a different child than what they said he was doing at school. And it kind of made me feel like I was going nuts. And then the next step was that some of these behaviors started happening. At school, and then of course, at that stage, it was that he wasn’t behaving or that he was being defiant or that he was being disobedient or, you know, whatever people want to put on behaviors that we see.

But the problem is when we’re dealing with invisible disability, sometimes these behaviors are just the alerts. They’re like the red siren light that’s supposed to say something’s going on here. And so that’s what we started experiencing in school, is that a lot of what they were seeing, they were relating to bad behavior when we knew there was something more behind the behavior.

But I think sometimes too, um, the way that you spelled out the progression there, I’m picturing, you know, when, when they’re young, you’re just seeing some, some little things that, that you might notice, but no one else is noticing as they go through the elementary years. Um, they still have more support within their classroom.

A lot of the classes may have a teacher’s aid that’s in there. So they’re, they’re still able to kind of hold it together. But as you’re noticing these changes, I know in our family, we saw this too, as that support withdrew, it’s more pressure on the child now to figure it out on their own and to, to kind of hold it all together.

And we had the same thing. Um, and we had a counselor tell us once that we should be happy that. That the meltdown was at home because it meant that they were safe at home. If you’re a parent listening to this and you understand what we’re talking about then, you know The stress level at home gets higher and higher because everyone’s just exhausted now and we’ve spent a lot of time just re replaying what had happened at school If something did happen and trying to figure out from this young child’s point of view, what could he have done differently to make it better?

And I realized there was a disconnect in there that the child should not be the one trying to make it better. The adult should be the one that’s trying to help the child make it better. And, um, but at the point where, where we’re talking about with my son, at least it was, I couldn’t get it the other way.

So here 10 years of age. How to be the responsible party in the interactions that are happening at school and that’s unfair because that’s a lot of pressure on a child Even a teenager. It’s a lot.

Oh, yeah And you know, I think for us one of our big wake-up calls was that we really didn’t know much about sensory processing And as we started becoming more informed parents, we realized how our child was truly impacted by a lot of sensory processing difficulties.

And, you know, looking at him from the outside, he seemed very typical. He looked very normal. You know, he was like a little boy that was just busy, but if you ever really watched or dealt with him, there were just these things that didn’t always add up, you, it, it seemed like an exaggerated response or an avoidance or a resistance or, you know, it just didn’t always flow.

And as a mental health professional, I felt like I probably had a pulse on it sooner than maybe some parents would. But I still missed so much of it until I became informed about the sensory piece. And then I started realizing that some of the things that he was struggling through were things I would have never even imagined.

You know, he came home one day and was just insistent that the kids on the bus were mean to him. And I said, you know, help me understand. When you say the kids on the bus are mean to me, What does that sound like? What does that look like? What are they doing? Like, help me understand. Yeah, and he said, they ask me questions.

They ask me questions, and he was really worked up, and I said, well, tell me, what are some of the things they ask you? Well, they asked me things like, can I sit with you? And he was serious. He was very serious. But the problem was, he had a real sensory issue with space, with touch, with needing his own area and feeling unsafe if people were in that.

And I had to realize that if those were the kind of things that were putting his system into that fight or flight, His day probably felt really, really rough because those are interactions that happen so naturally at school and not for him. And so I think,

you know, you’re waiting in line, everything all day long,

right? And, you know, people ask you, can I, can I do this? Can I do that? If just a question felt threatening to him, so many pieces of his day had him overstimulated, had him overwhelmed, had him overloaded. And so we had to totally back up and talk about what is it that you feel when people ask a question. And what do you say when somebody asks you a question?

And what if you don’t want them to sit with you? How do you answer that? And we had to do a lot of role-play. Honestly, these are things that when you’re dealing with maybe neurotypical children, you never even think twice about. But when you’re working with invisible disabilities or neurodiverse brains, these are things we have to really back up the train and we have to realize they don’t even know how to label them.

What is going on in their body, let alone tell us what’s going on with their body and ask for what they need. And that’s typically what a lot of these children with invisible disabilities are facing. All of these adults in their environment are saying, just ask for what you need. Tell us what you need.

We can support you. We can help you. They don’t have a vocabulary for that quite often,

Right. So, I’m thinking, first of all, primarily listeners are probably having their kids in a public school setting or maybe a private school setting. So they have teachers that are there, but there’s also coaches that might be, if they’re involved in sports or some type of debate team or something like that, there are other adults that are involved with our kids lives and it’s beyond just the classroom.

You know, it might be a dance class or it might, it might be a church group, something like that. How can we help those other adults change that view of the child’s behavior being negative to realizing that maybe the child’s just having a hard time adjusting or having a hard time explaining this? How is, as parents, how can we communicate this to the other adults that are in our child’s life?

Yeah, that is a great question and it’s one I deal with a lot. I think number one is that we need to educate ourselves. And it’s important that we educate ourselves because the next step is that we need to share what we learn to educate others.

And as we take that risk to educate others and invite them into understanding. What invisible disabilities are about where, whether it’s ADHD or a mood disorder or some sort of, you know, other way that our child is wired, we invite them into understanding that. And then I think it’s important that we even use simple phrases like this.

And it’s one of my favorite. My child is not giving me a hard time. He is having a hard time. And I think when we start spreading that very important mantra. Others in their environment are going to say, you know what, there’s something to that. Because children will do well when they can do well. And if a child isn’t doing well, that’s our alarm that something needs addressed, whether it’s they need a skill, maybe they need us to teach something, maybe they need practice at something, maybe they even, we need to identify something.

And so when we look at behaviors as alerts, and we teach others in their environments, what those things can alert, then they start having eyes for different things as well. And so it requires Helping people suspend the judgment on the child or the behavior and instead starting to look at what is this child trying to tell me, what are they communicating?

Because all behavior is communication.

You know, as we’re talking here, you know, we both have sons, sons that we were talking about, but I was thinking through a situation where my daughter was in a program in high school and there was a girl in their group who had high anxiety, but the leader in the group didn’t understand that.

And I kept hearing things like, um, she’s, she’s just being, um, a drama queen and, um, and those, those are harmful things. You know, if you’re listening and you have a family member who may be, maybe they have a child who has a hard time easily, I’m just hoping that, that we’re getting through that there are ways that you can support that family.

Even if this isn’t your child that we’re talking about, maybe, maybe it’s a child on your son’s little league team, something like that. Um, and, and it may be that you can take what you’re hearing here and pass that on to the other parent. It’s kind of hard parent to parent to tell another parent what to do, but if you could at least maybe use some of the wording.

Um, when you’re talking to the parent without, you’re not passing judgment, you’re just, you know, saying, you know, Johnny’s really having a hard time today. Or um, you know, or maybe, maybe is, is there something I can do to help support Johnny right now? Um, those types of questions. The, um, yeah, so I, I, you know, going, going into the conversation, I was thinking of my son, but I’d forgotten that, uh, about her and, and I know my daughter seemed to, to rally around her because she, she could understand a little bit better what was happening, having had a brother who has similar types of hard days,

Right? You know, that reminds me of a situation where we were sitting in a movie theater and our son who has the invisible disabilities saw for the first time somebody else struggling in the same way that he did. And I will never forget this moment. It was like blinders were just suddenly taken off for him.

And I could see his wheels just kind of spinning. And when we got home, we were sitting at the table that night, and out of nowhere, he says, Is that how you guys feel when that happens with me? And it made me sad because for the first time, he had an awareness for something that was his struggle from the outside looking in.

And I said, you know what? I hope that you saw that that boy’s family came right alongside him and they helped him. They cared about him. They talked to him. They went out with him. And then when he was able, they came back in with him. I hope that you know that that’s how we try to help you. When you have those hard times, and I think that, you know, they’re coming into different awareness the same time that we as parents are coming into an awareness, and I think You know, when we start seeing things more clearly, we can help them see things clearly and the people in their environment see them clearly.

And that truly is when a lot of this mental health stigma is going to finally start dissolving. Yeah, and it takes these new and fresh perspectives. And I think as an informed parent, as an informed teacher, as an informed coach or community member, however, it is that you are impacting children’s lives, that is, that is where your power is, in the awareness and acceptance

Well the you know, the days of having to hide everything should be gone now. I don’t know that we’re there yet, but I think we’re getting closer to being there and I think there is more understanding and acceptance if, if the words are communicated, assumptions still happen, but if we can, can talk and have this open communications, I think it does help

that is an important piece though, because I think so many parents, are, are afraid of risking communicating about it.

You know, that was one of the reasons that I even started working on, you know, on this new quick guide was that people in my coaching program were saying, I don’t even know how to tell my extended family. I don’t know how to tell my own parents. I don’t know how, how to even tell. You know, my sisters or my siblings, like we just avoid even going to family things because our own family doesn’t get it.

They think that we’re just doing poor parenting or that our child’s just bad, or that we aren’t being consistent or giving discipline, you know? So that is such an important piece. And it is surprising to me how scary that feels to so many parents to even open those conversations. But I agree with you. Those conversations are key.

When I think too that as parents get more opportunities to share those conversations, I think there’s a strength that comes on the parent’s side. That the first, the first time having that conversation, it may be a family member at that point. It, it is intimidating because you don’t have all the answers yet.

You’re, you’re not the medical professional that’s coming in, but you do know that your child needs more support. And, and You’re not a bad parent, but we all, I think we all go through that phase of thinking, you know, how do I look on the outside? We had this on a, a few weeks ago, we had a similar conversation on this.

That, um, you know, you go into the grocery store and your child’s on the floor. You know, it, the first time it happens, it’s all about you because, you know, everyone’s looking, you know, it has nothing to do with you.

You’re like, wait a minute. This is the kid I was never going to have.

Do you go outside and threaten, threaten a punishment?

You know, you kind of have to go through that mindset. Change that. No, this is, this is okay. But, but little Johnny is in pain right now. Something’s happening that’s causing this and it probably is an overstimulation and going outside is the right answer just to get away from the situation.

I remember a situation, our son having the sensory stuff struggled to be outside.

He struggled with waiting. He struggled with the weather elements and we were outside at a track meet all day. I hadn’t done my very best parenting, so we were late getting lunch, so he was low on protein, and he had a massive meltdown in front of this crowd of people that were in the stands. And I remember thinking in that moment, He needs protein, and he needs a sensory tool, and I knew that crunchy tortilla chips were his sensory tool of choice.

And that the cheese would have some protein, better protein than anything else at the concession stand. And that I really needed to go and get him what he needed, but I will never forget just how I felt all eyes were on me as I’m rewarding This child with an invisible disability with a plate of nachos because he just had an Epic meltdown in front of the crowd which included insulting me and I know to outsiders looking in it looked as though This child just threw this massive fit and was mean and I rewarded him with chips And you have to learn to just kind of suspend that you’re gonna care what people think When you need to tend to the invisible disability issues, because they don’t make sense, it doesn’t always add up.

It rarely adds up. The math does not work out. But in that moment, I knew I needed to stretch beyond and give him the tools he needed to cope in the situation. And within minutes, we were able to, to get to a place where we could, you know, now let’s try again. Can you respectfully ask for what you need?

Okay. You need a break in the car. Let’s go take a break in the car. Let’s turn on the air conditioner. Let’s let you take your shoes off, you know, and tend to the needs. And again, this is why it’s so important that people in our children’s environments start understanding, what behaviors would we notice.

What would we see? What might it sound like? And what do we need to know in working with your child? You know, if you were going to sum it up into two sentences, what is important for other people to know? And I, I just shared this in my coaching group today. I said, you know, for those who have ever done any kind of selling or public speaking, they encourage you to have like your elevator.

Elevator pitch or elevators. I think we should all have one of those when it comes to summing up your child’s needs.

That’s a great point.

Simply because if you can say short and concise. What your child has going on and, and how you want others to perceive him or look at his issues, you sound like you have clarity and a parent that has clarity can go so much further than one.

That’s like, I don’t know. I mean, we kind of deal with, you know, so practice your elevator speech on what your child’s needs are, because I think that is how we become informed and how we pass on that ability. To understand and other people see their issues in a concise package, even though we know there’s so much more to it.

How would you just slim up that package to be like, you know what, just so you know, this is what is great about them. And you might, you might sense this or feel this, but this is who they are and you know what, they’re created with a great purpose and it’s going to come in handy. You know.

So we’ve kind of touched on this, but I’m going to throw it back out there again. The holidays are coming up, so family gatherings are going to be happening. Any words of advice for our parents who are going to be with the extended family, with the extra sugars, the extra excitement of everything else? Um, any tips for them as, between communication with the extended family, but also, um, I don’t know, maybe you have some tips on… Helping to prevent the meltdowns, if they could think ahead on that too.

That’s right. You know what? I have a couple great ideas that I’d love to share. First of all, I encourage every family heading into the holidays to have what I call a huddle. A family huddle. Talk about what is it your child may be struggling with, with the holidays coming?

What is it that they really want to do during the holidays? Do they have any concerns about the holidays? Where do you plan to be for the holidays? And get a plan. Collaboratively figure out what your holidays are going to look like. And when they get some say in that plan, there’s more buy-in. And so you can eliminate some of these meltdowns by just using a collaborative problem-solving approach.

And when it comes to dealing with that extended family, I think number one, it takes being willing to risk it. It takes being a bit vulnerable. And it’s okay, like, some parents are like, you know what, my plate is too full. I am managing with my child’s consistent meltdowns, and I don’t have extra energy to recruit others.

To understand and you know what? I get it. Sometimes you need to just know your boundaries and be like that conversation is for later But other times that risk can really bring some change within the extended family And that’s one reason I love this guide because in the guide that you’re going to mention later There is a letter that I have already written that parents could Honestly, just print out and hand to extended family, and it basically encourages them.

You know what? You are a person in our child’s life who has impact and influence. And so we just want you to understand that this is kind of what’s going on and your support means a lot. And this is how you can help. And so if you don’t even want to broach the conversation. Send the letter because you never know what doors may be opened and sometimes families just need to hear it from an outside source. And I am so willing to be that outside source.

Let’s go ahead and talk about this resource because I know you’ve put a lot of work into this and I want our listeners to hear about it. So, um, so tell us what is it, what’s included in it. How, how, how can they get it?

I am so excited to share about it. And honestly, this is the first time I’ve been able to share it with somebody.

So I’m super excited. It’s called behind the behaviors, understanding a uniquely wired child. And basically, it is, I think, 14 pages of information and I have made some easy-to-read graphs that just kind of map out what are some of these invisible disabilities as it relates to mental health issues. What are some that we see more often?

And just kind of a short summary of what is it. And then a short little summary of how does this impact my child? And another short summary of how can you work well with my child. And then I divided all of those same issues out on a different graph. And I put at school, at home, in the community, on teams, or with, you know, in social settings.

And if you were going to sum up just one thing that they need to keep in mind when working with your child. What might that be? And then I moved into what are some different resources. You know, some books that you might be able to refer your family to or provide for your family. Sometimes they just…

They just need the book put in their hand, you know We have found a couple of resources that worked that well And then as I mentioned that letter that was truly written So that you could just print it out and give it to a teacher give it to a coach give it to extended family And if you don’t even know what to say, I hope that I have captured in that letter Something that offers you support and offers them the ability to say, you know what, maybe there’s something to this.

And I think that, honestly, when I went back and I read the letter, I just cried. I just cried because I remember being in that position and just wanting so desperately for my people to get it. And my people did get it. And some of what I put in that letter is… You know, like what helped them get there. And so I’m just super excited because I feel like this is finally a resource that taps on the mental health issues and why it’s so difficult to get teachers and coaches and community and extended family all on the same page.

And I think there is such power in getting people on your same page because you need support. Your child needs support and you don’t have the extra energy to convince anyone. You just need them to have the information and be one step closer to being that support.

Excellent. And how can our listeners get, get their hands on this, this resource?

We’re going to provide a link for it. And if you go to that page, they, you just. Put your name and email in and it’ll be sent right to your inbox. You can also get it if you go to Parenting with Personality on Instagram. You can also find it if you go to my website, parentingwithpersonality.com. And I also have a Facebook, uh, parent support group. And if you come into that group, you can access that resource there as well.

Excellent. So we’ll, we’ll put all of those links in, in the show notes. So if you’re listening or if you’re watching the video, check, check for the notes. And, um, just to clarify, so this is a free resource, there’s no charge for it?

Absolutely. No, it is a free resource. I am just so excited to get it into the hands of parents that have just needed something to make that conversation easier. I just, if you want to share the link with other people, share it with other people. But I would just love to be able to get it in the hands of more and more parents needing support.

I love being able to offer that. And um, and I know a lot will find value with that. Best way to contact you. Is that through your website?

Yes. On https://parentingwithpersonality.com or on Facebook, Instagram, I’m even over on Pinterest. So in any of those places, and I welcome emails. So if you look over the resource and you want to ask questions, I have my email address in there.

I also have a place where you can just set up a call and set up a free call where we can just talk about what it is that you may be struggling with. So that all those links are in that resource as well.

Well, Jami, thank you. Thank you for spending some time with me today and talking through this. I think you have so much value to add to our families that anything we can get from you is great, but this resource just sounds like a fantastic guide to be able to have out there.

So, um, if you are listening and you do download this and check it out, I’d love to hear your thoughts on it too. So feel free to send us a note or to leave a comment on it. And as she said, feel free to pass it on to other people too. So, um, so Jami, thank you. I appreciate you coming with us today.

You bet. Thank you so much for having me. Anytime. Call me anytime.

Voice Over: Thanks for joining us today. I hope you found inspiration, wisdom, and practical guidance to better support your children with invisible disabilities and mental health challenges. Jami’s insights have been invaluable, and I’m grateful for her time and expertise.

If you’d like to show your support for the Water Prairie Chronicles and help us continue to bring you more content like this, Visit https://buymeacoffee.com/waterprairie. Your support helps to keep the conversations flowing and provide resources for special needs parents. Don’t forget to hit that like button, share this video with fellow parents and subscribe to our channel.

And if you have any questions or topics you’d like to see us exploring in future episodes, please drop us a note in the comments below. Thanks for being a part of this community and I’ll see you next week.

The post 83. Parenting with Purpose: Advocating for Children with Invisible Disabilities appeared first on Water Prairie.

Show Notes:

Find the full directory at waterprairie.com/listen.

In this empowering episode, we dive into the world of Individualized Education Programs (IEPs) and the pivotal role of the Parent Input Statement. Join us as we welcome Heather Wright, a Master IEP Coach, who shares invaluable insights on how parents can effectively advocate for their child’s education.

Discover the secrets to crafting a compelling Parent Input Statement, one that goes beyond mere concerns and transforms your child’s educational journey. Learn how to embrace your essential role in shaping your child’s IEP and why preparation is the key to a successful IEP meeting.

This episode is a must-watch for parents, guardians, and anyone involved in the IEP process. It’s time to supercharge your advocacy, foster collaboration, and unlock your child’s full potential in their educational experience. Don’t miss this chance to take your child’s education to the next level.

Connect with Heather:

Are you getting our newsletter? If not, subscribe at https://waterprairie.com/newsletter

Support our podcast and help us share more incredible stories by making a donation at Buy Me A Coffee. Your contribution makes a significant impact in bringing these stories to light. Thank you for your support!

https://BuyMeACoffee.com/waterprairie

Music Used:

“LazyDay” by Audionautix is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 license. https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Artist: http://audionautix.com/

*******************

She obtained her masters degree in Learning Disabilities and Behavior Disorders from Georgia State University, in Atlanta, Georgia and is also a member of the Master IEP Coach® Network.  She currently works with families of children with learning disabilities, autism, developmental delays, behavior disorders, and other health impairments, to get the supports and services in the public-school setting, through collaboration. Parents know their children best and are their best advocates; however, they don’t have to be alone! 

Heather grew up in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and moved to Georgia in 2006, where she lives with her husband and two fur babies. When she is not working you can find her cooking and baking, crafting, binge watching her favorite show, or enjoying the lake.

Full Transcript of Interview:

Narrator: Are you ready for your child’s next IEP meeting? In this video, we’re going to share some tips on how your input can make a big difference in how teachers work with your child. You’re going to learn why the parent input statement on the IEP is important, what you should include in it, and when you should write it. Stick around to the end for details on how to get some free parent training before your next IEP meeting, too.

Welcome to the Water Prairie Chronicles, a podcast created to encourage and support parents of special needs children. I’m Tonya Wollum, and I’m glad you’re here.

Tonya: Welcome back to Water Prairie, Heather.

Heather: Thank you for having me today.

Listeners, you met Heather a couple weeks ago. Actually, I think it was maybe three weeks ago that she was with us with Helen Panos, and we talked about the difference between an 504. So if you missed that one, go back and listen to it, because I think that’s really important information for you to understand if your child is in a public school setting.

Today, we’re going to talk more specifically about the IEPs. During our last conversation, we didn’t have time to dig into pieces of it, and one piece in particular that Heather was really passionate about and I agreed with her is the parent statement. So if you have a child on an IEP or if you have a young child about to go into school, it’s really important that you understand what this is. And we’re going to pick Heather’s brain to get as much information as we can from her today.

Oh, that sounds amazing, but scary at the same time, Tonya.

To help us understand more about the parent input statement, I asked Heather if she would tell us more about what it is and why it’s part of the IEP process.

So let’s start out with what is the statement, like basically where is it on the document and what, what does it serve as a purpose?

Yeah. So the parent input statement, and I literally could chat about this. And probably get on my pedestal and soapbox for hours upon hours upon hours. So make sure you keep me in check with like the time.

So parent input statements or parent input is a section in the IEP that you probably have missed before because it’s not necessarily titled parent input. It’s usually titled Parent Concerns. That is a statement or a section of the IEP where parents can submit questions, concerns that the teacher of record, your case manager, puts your concerns into this section.

Now most documents that I review as an advocate, parent input or parent concerns is maybe one or two lines. My parent is concerned about Blankety blankety-blank. They’re concerned about Johnny doing blankety-blank, and then it’s it, or I’ve seen some parents have no concerns. And that’s, as an educator or former educator, I was like, okay, that’s what needs to be in there.

We’ve got to fill the box to check the box. But how awful is that statement that parents have no concerns? You’re a parent, Tonya, you have lots of concerns for your child or children at that point, like It needs to be so much more than just, they’re concerned about nothing, or they’re concerned about math.

Like, we need to start getting input from a parent, because who knows their child best? You, as the parent, you know your child best. You’re the only consistent person that’s going to be at that IEP table from kindergarten through graduation. So you know the ins and outs and workings and really need to make and develop that statement for your whole child.

So, if you are getting asked at the IEP meeting, what are your concerns? That’s not good enough. You need to be doing it beforehand.

I shared with Heather before we started recording that, um, you know, my, my kids are both in college right now. Both of them came all the way through with an IEP from, well, my, my son, it was a little bit later, but my daughter from day one, I never knew cause every, every state’s different.

And even within a state, every few years, the document changes how it looks, but on our cover page, we always had a section that said parent concerns. I think we had two sections where I could make a statement if I wanted to, and then I could also voice my concerns. If you’re like I was, you saw a small box on the form for your input statement or concerns and thought you could only write a sentence or maybe even less.

Heather explained to me what this is and what you can do if you have more that you want to say. But the box was just this little, like enough to write a tiny little sentence in there. I thought all those years that whatever I wrote had to fit inside that box. I know now that I was wrong, but I thought that’s all that I could write.

So what do you do if you want to say more than “A OK,” if you want to actually write a few sentences?

Right. Well, let me touch on the part of having the little box. Yes, there is a little box in there and I know that some IEP writing programs for different districts across the different states, they might have a text limit.

So sometimes there is a limit of number of characters that can go in that box, but you can write a statement that’s a page, two pages long and you can request that that be added to the file and attached to the IEP so that whenever anybody gets that document, they’re also receiving your parent input.

You don’t have to limit it to 200 text messages or, you know, icons on the text box, like that, that’s not okay. Um, you can actually have it uploaded to the file and have it attached. Now, most of the ones that I have seen… I ask, when I write parent input statements for families or help them write their parent input statements, I ask and request that they get copied and pasted directly into that box.

And they’ve, not paraphrased, don’t paraphrase it for me, don’t paraphrase it for the parent, please copy and paste everything into that statement. And like I said, the ones that I support families are typically a page, page and a half, two pages. It could be longer, um, Depending on, you know, questions that you might have for the team or if there are concerns or how much detail you go into depth about your child and what their learning styles are and things like that, but you can copy and paste it into that document or you can make sure that you ask the team to attach it if it doesn’t fit into that tiny little box that’s “Concerns.”

So I was one of those parents who didn’t want to make waves because you know, you’re sitting at the IEP table, you’re the parent coming in with all these professionals. Okay. So forget that I have an education background. I was a parent at that point sitting at the table hearing what my children couldn’t do.

And so, and I’m thinking we probably have some listeners who feel the same way. So you come in, you’re a little bit intimidated coming in to begin with. If you don’t have a good connection with your caseworker at the school. You’re even more intimidated because now everyone’s kind of, they’re up on these pedestals around you and you’re sitting down in the low chair.

It’s kind of how it feels. And, um, and so, I’m sure there’s others that were like me who, you know, I would have my conversations with the teachers with concerns, but we never put it in the document. You know, so aside from, even if I’d known that I could write more, I don’t know if I would have known what to write.

It’s one thing to understand what the parent input statement is, but do you know what you should include in it? Heather had some great information about what you can consider including in your parent input statement.

Can you give us some guidelines of like what should be included in this? Is it, it isn’t just a wish list of, you know, I want, I want Johnny to do blank, blank, blank. Or is it maybe, maybe that’s. I don’t know.

It could be that. It absolutely could be that, Tonya. It really depends on what you want to add for your child. So, you know, different advocates might have different ways to complete a parent input statement or give you suggestions. When you work with me, I have 10 questions that I ask a family.

I help guide what that looks like for you as a mom or a dad or a grandparent or a guardian. Um, I like to have the parent. Indicate words that they would describe their child. So, kind, um, energetic, maybe it’s, um, caring, you know, just what three words describe your child. Starts it off in a really positive manner.

And then we kind of go into, what’s their learning style? What type of learning environment do they work best in? Um, depending on the age of your child, you might look at different, um, motivators for your kiddos. Like, do they love earning? You know, time with teachers. Do they love earning recess, extra recess time, kind of things to help motivate them?

What are their interests outside of school? Maybe they love basketball or they play hockey. That gives insight to what their day looks like when they’re not sitting in a classroom, right? So they might have hockey practice after school or they might have baseball practice after school. That takes a toll on a kid’s day, right?

Um, maybe strategies that have worked in the past and strategies that haven’t worked in the past. Maybe fidgets are amazing for some kids, but maybe fidgets don’t work for your child because they get distracted by it, or maybe they do need seating location. By the teacher, but it’s not upfront because they like to stand and if they’re in the front standing Then they’re distracting to others.

So I try to encourage families to talk about that. I also encourage families to Think about what their goals short-term and long-term goals are for their kiddos, and that’s not just Academics, social, emotional, behavioral as well. So, maybe younger kids, and I think I might have brought this example up the last time we chatted, but it could be that they, you want them to get invited to a birthday party, or you want them to be more active in their clubs at school, and you want to see about that.

If they’re high school age, it could be transitioning into a job, and what kind of jobs are they interested in, or what kind of fields. Maybe they’re not college-bound, but maybe they do want to work in a veterinary office, so they need some skills to be able to handle that type of environment, right? Um, and then we look at also concerns and questions.

Now, you say, well, what if I have so many questions? Right, that’s okay, add them in there, right? But a strategy, because you’re like, okay, you just said it, Tanya, that you talk to one teacher about concerns, and then you talk to another teacher about concerns, but it was at different points of the year, maybe, and it never, you know, you forgot about the conversation that happened in September about the school bus when the meeting is in January.

Keep a journal. Like, keep a notepad, or, now with technology, you could probably make a note on your phone and just say, hey Siri, add this to the note. Positives and now my phone’s trying to think that I’m making a note for the listeners, my phone’s here and now she’s, you know, trying to think I’m making a note.

Um, but you as a parent can keep it, keep notes like that. Maybe you heard something on the playground from another parent, or maybe you’re watching your child at a birthday party or you’re seeing them in the grocery store and they don’t know the difference between a $20 bill that they need to be purchasing this with versus a $5 bill that they have and you know all of those things can add up. So, keep a journal of that Keep a notebook of what you want to include in that parent input statement, and I promise you that it seems like a lot but you could probably get it down to like two pages. And I probably wouldn’t do more than two pages because it gets hard to read from the teacher’s side, and you want to be thorough as you’re?

As the parent, but you don’t want to go off on tangents either. You want to make it short, concise, but make sure that it’s including every aspect of your whole child, not just the math, the science, the reading.

Even after hearing all of this, you may be wondering if your statement can actually make a difference. Listen to what Heather says about why you should include a parent input statement.

So even though we’re calling it a parent concern section, it really is a parent statement. It is. We’re sharing our heart with them the same as my, my kids at the beginning of each school year. I would write their teachers because I wanted them to see them as an individual aside from the documents that go with them, um, and possibly the behaviors that may come in the room, right?

I wanted them to hear what are their successes. What are they going to get out? What are they passionate about? So that would have been what I could have put into that statement as well. Yes. Now, um, it’s my understanding, and correct me if I’m wrong, that. If it’s in that section, the team has to read through and address what’s in that statement, is that correct?

They do need to address it. And you, when you submit it to the team, you say to the team, I request that this document is added to the parent questions section or the parent concerns, whatever is it’s typically called in your district. Um, and we want to review all of the questions in this document. And then you as a parent.

Print that, print your parent input statement off, and use it as an agenda when you’re going through the meeting to check off, yep, we talked about social skills, yes, we talked about bathroom, we talked about math class, we talked about communication and accommodations, use it as your agenda and guideline of, okay, we talked about all these things because you know, sitting at the IEP table can be overwhelming, stressful, there’s a lot of information going on.

Being thrown out at the team, and you just always want to make sure that you’re going back to that statement. Have you addressed my concerns as a parent? And make sure that you’re there, your questions are being answered. Meeting notes are not required for IEP meetings, but you can ask at the beginning of the meeting who is taking those notes.

So you’re making sure That your questions are also the answers to those questions are outlined in those meeting notes. So you also have documentation that it was discussed and addressed by the school team.

I really like the idea of having a printout of what your statement is as, as a checklist, you know, and if I’m thinking if we can write these as a bulleted list, it’s easier to read, it’s easier to address and, um, and we’ll, we’ll make it easier for you to check off as well as you go.

Yeah, there, I mean, there’s definitely, I add some questions typically in different sections, and when I’m writing, when I’m supporting families writing their parent input statements, um, when they’re talking about even like their, their interests, I might ask the question, how can we, uh, implement some of their interests into their school day?

That could be a question that’s embedded into that paragraph, but then there’s also a section that I put at the bottom that I say, these are questions That we would like discussed and answered at the meeting, as well as the ones above. So then you do have five, six, whatever those questions are, right? You want to have them as open-ended as you can to say, you know, not just yes or no answers either.

Yeah, it’s helpful. I’ve had a parent, like they reached out and we did a parent input statement for them. And she messaged me back after the meeting and she was like, Heather, This is hands down the most useful tool that I have ever seen and ever drafted going into this meeting. She was like, it helped me stay focused.

It helped the team stay focused. She was like, thank you so much. Like she was like singing my praises and I was like, thank you. I’m so glad because your input as a mom and a dad and the adult that’s sitting there at that table is so, so important and sometimes so overlooked. You know, because everybody’s focused on the math and the language arts and the reading and all the things, but they forget about your child as a whole.

What are their strengths? What are they like to do when they’re not sitting there having to read a book? Like, let’s talk about that because… That’s part of your child too.

Well, I think too, it can help and not all of the teachers are at the team meeting usually, but it can help those who see this document understand your child aside from the struggles that you may have in the classroom on the academic side of it, and um, I think that makes it easier on your child now because now they have someone who sees them for who they are.

Now that we know more about what the parent input statement is and why we should write it, I wanted to know if Heather had any suggestions on when we should write it. She suggested we start early and submit it ahead of time.

Six to eight weeks before your IEP meeting, you should be thinking about what am I going to be putting in a parent input statement and taking the notes that maybe you have in your phone or in your notebook or however you’re taking those notes and really sit down and just outline a letter, right?

It doesn’t have to be perfect right away but try to start thinking six to eight weeks because your parent input statement should be sent to the school team at least seven IEP meetings. So don’t just bring it the day of the meeting. You can, but for it to be effective, you want

Um, and have the answers to the questions that you have. How frustrating is it when you get to a meeting and you have a question and you ask it and everybody looks around the table like, uh, who’s going to answer it? I don’t know. I, you know, I’ve been there. I literally, I’m like, I don’t know the answer to that.

Is somebody going to ask, answer that question? And yes, they say, okay, well, we don’t know the answer. We’ll get back to you. And then how many times. Unless you’re on top of them, does it always, do you always get that answer? So by submitting it at least a week before, you’re able to have those truly good conversations because they have the answer there for you.

Not that you can’t ask additional questions at the table. Right, right. But if you’re specifically asking about, um, like a curriculum that’s being used or you had questions about the data that was being sent home, Then you can have a productive conversation around that and not deer in headlights. Like what’s, what am I supposed to say?

Well, and we as parents don’t like to be caught unaware. So it’s only fair that we not do the same thing to the team because we’re working together as a team here. Yeah. So, um, so that, that common courtesy as well. And like you’re saying, it gives them a chance to kind of strategize. Maybe there is an, maybe there’s a yes answer that’s coming and they have a chance to figure it out.

Instead of having to say a, a we’ll see or a no, because they don’t have the information that they need to be able to make that choice.

Great. I love to include, we would like the team to consider adding blankety blankety-blank. Because then that also, that terminology is collaborative. You’re not just telling them, we want this.

We would like the team to consider this, adding this accommodation based on this information. So you’re, you’re trying to work as a team, but you’re right. Nobody likes to be surprised, especially parents and school teams at the table. So, let’s be open. Share that information about a week ahead of time, if you can.

I know certain circumstances, you know, doesn’t permit, always permit that. But I could say at least seven days before. If you can get it even, you know, two weeks before. But that’s even, you know, more time and energy and, and I love that.

So Heather, I know that, um, from when we talked before that you’re able, you’re In the Atlanta area, you’re able to work, um, throughout the U.S. correct?

Yes. Five different states currently. Yeah.

Tell us how they can get in touch with you. If, if anyone wants to, to try and work with you or just to connect with you.

Yeah. So if you are in the Atlanta area, I am able to attend meetings virtually or in person. If you’re out of state, I would love to come visit you in person, but most of the time I’ll be virtually.

Um, but if you’re looking at support. I can book free consultations for any prospective clients. If you have questions, please reach out to me for a consultation. It doesn’t hurt you to get some knowledge. And the way you do that is visiting my website at HeatherWrightConsultant.com, so www.HeatherWrightConsultant.Com. Everything’s on there. You can download some free resources that I have um, and then you can book your free consultation at that point and then you’ll talk with me and I’m the person that responds to your email so don’t have a AI person that’s um, you know. Um, responding to you, but, um, you’ll hear back from me within typically 24 to 48 hours about getting that consult scheduled.

And we just see how I can support you guys in your, your journey. And that could be with parent input statements. It’s super important. It’s super, super important.

Well, even just, just having another set of eyes to help review something, you know, it’s, um,

yes. And I’ve done that too. IEP reviews.

Yeah, we’re not talking about someone having to come and work with you for months and months. It could be a one time check in or it could be an annual or something like that. So um, so good. I appreciate you sharing that. Do you have any special projects coming up?

I will be doing some free parent training workshops, um, probably starting in January. Um, this past September, I did four weeks. I talked about parent input statements, I talked about basics of IEP.

So in January, I’m gonna be starting another four-part series. Um, parent input statements are gonna be on there for sure because it’s. It’s something that I’m just passionate about. But if y’all want more information about that, or even just getting on the list, so you can get the information when I send out the actual dates and times, they will be virtual.

They’ll be Eastern Standard Time. Um, then please email me, or you can visit my website. Again, website is HeatherWrightConsultant.com and my email is [email protected]. And I think Tonya will probably have that in the, the bio and everything. So, if you want on that list for those three parent trainings, then yeah, make sure that you reach out to me and I’ll add you to my list so you can get all of that in firsthand.

Well, Heather, thank you for coming back and joining me on this. I think this was really important, but I feel like you gave some really good information here. So I hope people were taking notes. Go back, go back and listen again. If you’re. If you’re checking this so you can get all the information, but I’m sure we will be in touch again.

And, um, we’ll have to see if we, if we can have, have Heather come back again to, to go into some more, some more digging into IEPs with us.

Yes. Thank you, Tonya. And thank you to your listeners for just being on the call for this long and listening. And I do hope that you got some valuable information about parent input.

And maybe it got your head spinning a little bit going, what do I need to do? And how do I need to do that? And if you are in that situation, please feel free to reach out. I’d be happy to support you and walk you through that process.

If you know a parent who would benefit from hearing this information, please share the link with them.

If you’re new here, click the subscribe button and hit the bell. So, you’ll get notified when we release new content. And if you’d like to get our newsletter for up-to-date information, sign up at https://waterprairie.com/newsletter.

Thanks for joining us today. And I’ll see you next week.

The post Episode #82: Mastering the IEP Parent Input Statement appeared first on Water Prairie.

Show Notes:

Find the full directory at waterprairie.com/listen.

In this episode of the Water Prairie Chronicles, Tonya speaks with Dr. Stephanie Dueger, an author, educator, parent coach, and psychotherapist who works with expectant and new parents and their little ones up to age 5. The discussion revolves around supporting parents who are expecting a child with special needs. They emphasize the importance of seeking help and resources to cover the potential financial and emotional challenges. Dr. Dueger also talks about the significance of informing older siblings about the situation, keeping communication open, and being sensitive to their emotional needs.

The conversation extends to the role of extended family and friends in supporting parents during this time. Dr. Dueger suggests offering practical help, such as making meals, listening, and finding helpful resources for the family. She emphasizes that each family’s journey is unique and encourages embracing the experience of parenthood, no matter the challenges it may bring.

Overall, the interview provides insights and guidance on navigating the complexities of preparing to parent a child with special needs, emphasizing the importance of community support, open communication, and embracing the journey of parenthood.

📣 Connect with Stephanie:

Are you getting our newsletter? If not, subscribe at https://waterprairie.com/newsletter

👉 Support our podcast and help us share more incredible stories by making a donation at Buy Me A Coffee. Your contribution makes a significant impact in bringing these stories to light. Thank you for your support!

https://BuyMeACoffee.com/waterprairie

Music Used:

“LazyDay” by Audionautix is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 license. https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Artist: http://audionautix.com/

*******************

Dr. Stephanie Dueger is an author, educator, parent coach, and psychotherapist who works with expectant and new parents and their little ones up to age 5. Her book, Preparing for Parenthood: 55 Essential Conversations for Couples Becoming Families (2020), is the book she wishes she’d had for herself when first becoming a parent and was the winner of a bronze medal for Parenting and Relationship books in the 2022 Global Book Awards and a finalist in the 2023 Book Excellence Awards. She facilitates parent workshops and courses and was the Editor-in-Chief of the academic Journal of Pre- and Perinatal Psychology and Health from 2019-2022. Dr. Dueger lives in Colorado with her husband, two daughters, and furball of a dog. Learn more about her work at https://preparedforparenthood.com.

Full Transcript of Interview:

Tonya: Our guest today is Dr. Stephanie Dueger. Stephanie is joining us today to share a topic that we haven’t brought to the podcast before. And, um, I, after I met her back, I think in June, we, we met for the first time. I really wanted to, um, to have her come and help us present this topic and it’s mainly, we’re going to be talking about what do you do when you get a prenatal diagnosis for your child?

We talk a lot on the podcast about what do you do during different milestone events. Your child has just been born and you’ve gotten a diagnosis or you’re maybe in the school ages and you’re starting to notice some academic challenges and to get changes there. But we haven’t thought about, um, before the child has even been born and, um, and there are a lot of questions that I’ll be going through.

So if you’re listening to this and you’re not in that situation, think, think beyond just your immediate family. You may have a friend or a family member who would benefit from hearing this. So, um, keep this in mind as you’re listening and we are going to touch in near the end how you can help support that, that friend or that family member too.

So even if you may not be expecting a child right now, you may be in a situation where you’ll be able to use some of this information. But before we get started, Stephanie, welcome to Water Prairie.

Stephanie: Thanks so much, Tonya. Happy to be here. Thanks for having me on.

I, I appreciate you taking, taking some time for us today.

Um, this season we’ve been playing a game with all of our guests and I’ve asked Stephanie to join in with the game and she’s, she’s agreed to do so, and we’re asking everyone to bring in three facts or pseudo-facts about them to play the game of 2 Truths and a Lie. And listeners, your job is to listen to all three of them.

Listen through the episode of this podcast. And at the end, I want you to see if you can figure out which one was the lie. If you’re watching on YouTube, leave your guess in the comments. And if you’re not, then go to either Instagram or Twitter and leave your guess there. And a week after this releases, we’ll come back and post the answer.

So you’ll be able to see whether you got it correct or not. So Stephanie, what are your three facts that you have for us today?

Okay. Number one, I was born and raised in New Hampshire, but now live in Colorado. Number two, I’ve hiked the whole Appalachian Trail. And number three, I love to scuba dive.

Wow.

This is some, some different ones there. Now if you were born in New Hampshire, I used to live in Massachusetts, so we were fairly close there. Um, I’m not, not there anymore, but, um, and I’m close to the Appalachian trail now. So, um, so we’ll have to see which ones of those are true. So hang on to your guesses, post those at the end after listening to this, but we’re going to jump into our topic now.

So Stephanie, when we talk about a couple getting a prenatal diagnosis, We’re talking about, um, it might be a medical issue. It could be a developmental issue that they’re noticing maybe on an ultrasound or in testing or something like that. Um, but to give us kind of a baseline, can you share a little bit about your background and your experience working with expecting parents?

Sure. So I have worked with families pretty much my entire adult life and even as a teen was working with families all the time. Um, and mostly that’s been in the role of a coach or an educator. Or a psychotherapist. And… When I became pregnant with my first child 17 years ago, um, I decided to get a doctorate in clinical psychology, and the emphasis in that doctorate was prenatal and perinatal psychology and health.

So my full focus now is working as a psychotherapist with expectant and new parents and their little ones up to about age five. And I, even though I work with people across the entire spectrum of life, that’s kind of my sweet spot in working with people. And I really, when I became a parent, um, I was a little bit on the older side as a mom.

Um, and so I’d had a lot of years working, and both my husband and I are psychotherapists. And so, since I’d worked with families my whole life, I sort of felt like the transition to parenthood would… Be pretty smooth, you know, I knew there would be some bumps around sleep and things like that And then when I got into it It was really humbling.

It was really surprising how challenging it was and we had a Um, you know, kind of a normal birth and experience and, um, healthy child and all that. And it was still really hard. Um, and so I just got to thinking, um, like how can we best help support all expectant and new parents, whether they’re someone who’s undergoing, about to undergo something a little more challenging or not.

Um, And just help them feel better prepared. So I wrote this book, Preparing for Parenthood, 55 Essential Conversations for Couples Becoming Families, in order to help Parents, um, expectant parents have those conversations that can be challenging. And some of the things we talk about in the book, um, or ask about are, you know, what would you do if you received a diagnosis or information that you weren’t expecting, um, and how would you try to navigate that together as a couple or as a single parent?

Yeah. Because, because those are things that most people don’t really think about you, you, you have these dreams, you know, of, of what it’s going to be. And I don’t know if I’ve met many families who the dream was the reality, exactly what they thought, whether it’s the birth process itself or the sleeping, like you’re saying, you know, cause you’re bringing home this baby and it’s going to sleep through the night, the first night, you know, all these things, but it’s, um, but it is, I think it is a, uh, A shift in your relationship and just in your, and, and of course your, your dreams are not the same, and now you’re tired on top of that.

So, um, so I think, I think it’s great that you are addressing this even before baby comes to, to try to help, help, help, um, couple couples come through this together and, and I’m, I’m glad you said that because it’s not just couples. Sometimes we are talking about a single parent that’s coming through here too.

And, um, and so what we’re talking about would apply. On, on either, either end of that.

So, you know, just, yeah, just highlighting if there is a relationship, the stress. Um, of becoming a family period on the relationship is, is very high, right? Even if you’re in a healthy and supportive relationship, things tend to take a nosedive.

And when we bring in something like a prenatal diagnosis, the stress on that couple is exponential. And the stress on an individual trying to do this by themselves is even more exponential, right? So it’s, it’s a really important topic to cover.

Yeah. So let’s start by looking a little bit at maybe some of the different areas that may be concerns.

Um, and the first one I’m thinking is just that emotional part. We were talking about the dreams coming in and now there’s been almost a shock sometimes with that diagnosis that you may be getting or maybe just some uncertainties there. So what are some first steps or strategies maybe that you would recommend for parents to be able to cope with the emotions and uncertainties that they’re feeling when they first get that diagnosis?

So maybe just touching on, um, all of the different, uh, emotions that might crop up, right? So there might be fear, anxiety, overwhelm, anger, um, just, I don’t know what to do. Um, it could range to guilt of like, perhaps I did something or could have done something to prevent what happened. Or what is about to happen um, y’know there’s so much going on, and again, the stress in either an individual’s life or the couple’s life around trying to navigate this.

And so, I always I think that the first and best place, um, is to just get support, get outside support. So whether that’s from your healthcare providers or, um, trusted organizations, um, so for example if someone is into researching, um, going online and going to a reputable site like one that ends in. Um, EDU, or ORG, or GOV, those ones tend to have more research based information versus, um, opinion.

And so, you never know with the other ones. Um, sometimes social media groups can be helpful if they’re supportive, um, but often you’ll hear worst case scenarios in those situations as well, so you want to be, um, thoughtful about what you’re taking in. Um, I think it’s helpful in any stressful situation to slow things down.

Right, so our tendency is to speed up under stress and anxiety like I need to know all the information now I need to get this this this this and this lined up and you know there tends to be a lot of push in that experience and What we want to try to do is the opposite Like, just take a deep breath, like everything’s going to be okay, we’re going to figure this out, um, and what are the specific steps that we need to take and we don’t need to take them all today, right?

So like really pacing and slowing down and then pulling in your support network. So whether that’s extended family, friends. Um, maybe new friends who have, um, experienced similar circumstances, maybe a support group, maybe a therapist, maybe a psychiatrist, people who are, um, trained to help you or are naturally supportive socially to you.

I think that’s a really important place to start, just to help kind of shore things up emotionally, um, for people who are, you know, hearing this information for the first time, because it, it really, like you said, can be shocking, right? You’re not expecting this information and all of a sudden it’s like, okay, here’s what, here’s what we’re going to try to navigate here.

And how do we do that? And with as much ease and grace as we can do it.

Would you recommend as they’re trying to talk to maybe their parents or the grandparents of the child, um, or their siblings or their friends, would you recommend that they come out and just tell everything right away or like, what’s the best way to try to communicate what they’re going through and how they’re trying to find support?

So. I guess, Tonya, that depends on the relationships, right? So if you are someone who is very close to your own parents, say, um, and they’re very supportive of you, um, that might be a great option to just go and say, Oh my gosh, I just got this super overwhelming news. I need some help. And just have them kind of swoop in and support you.

A lot of people don’t have those kinds of relationships with, say, their parents, and you might want to wait a little bit and just kind of digest the information yourself a little bit and figure out next steps. I would recommend pausing before you share this information with Um, say older children, if the baby’s going to have siblings, um, or, you know, there are siblings present, um, I would wait to share this information until you’ve had quite a bit more time to really digest what’s happening.

Um, and again, same with your own siblings, um, your, your friends, things like that, like gauging the relationship and, um, and maybe seeking. Say professional support first, like, um, well, I’m not sure how to share this information. Maybe I should speak with a therapist or with my, um, church clergy person or whatever, right?

It’s like find those people that you can trust, um, that you feel good about and take the time to let it settle in a little bit. Um, if you don’t feel like you have those relationships right off the bat.

What I’m thinking too as we’re thinking through this, um, just kind of picturing this, this, this young couple who’s just gotten this diagnosis, we haven’t met the child yet and sometimes It’s, it’s a broad category that we’re looking at, but until we actually meet this child, we don’t really know the impact that it’s going to have for a lot of, a lot of these potential diagnoses that are coming in.

And so I like the idea where you’re saying, just take time, just kind of absorb it. And if you can, doing some education, whether it’s talking more with your doctor or with your therapist or someone. So, you kind of get a better idea because I don’t know about you, but whenever we get, I think it’s human nature, maybe you would know this better than I do.

But, but just when we get an unexpected, anything that happens for some of us, it’s, it’s a lot larger than it really is our initial reaction to it. And others just kind of take it in stride. So, you know, you know who you are and how you normally react to things. So maybe digesting it and. and processing it.

You may need some time with that. Um, and you also reminded me of a, an interview that we had earlier this year. Um, it was a family who, who has an older child with, with Down syndrome. It’s actually, um, the Sanchez family. And I can link this for those who want to, to hear that story more. But, um, but Jennifer said, you know, Sometimes you may not be ready for support groups, sometimes you just need to be part of your family and just, you know, when your baby is born, just love your baby for being your baby.

There’s time sometimes to find those. And I, and I thought that was really good advice because sometimes we don’t think about taking a step back and just relaxing for a minute and absorbing what it is. So, so thank you for reinforcing that a little bit.

Sure, and I would, I would add to that, um, I guess the one caution I would make is to not isolate.

Right. So if you’re needing time to, to digest it, obviously that makes a lot of sense, um, but say you are a single parent, I would say don’t just, um, kind of cocoon into your world and not reach out. Like, find somebody that you can talk to, um, just to start being able to process it.

Right. Right. Um, I know from our experience, and we had different, it was, it was later for our children, but, um, But you’re trying to understand everything and asking the doctor is a good first step, but sometimes you need someone who can help you kind of interpret that better.

And so counselors or support groups I think could be helpful with that. And then the other thing you mentioned too was, um, if it’s a I don’t remember how you worded it, but what I was hearing was, um, for like an online support group or maybe a community support group, um, if it’s supportive for you. And I think that’s, that’s a good piece.

Um, you, you know how you respond to people. And if you have a check that maybe this isn’t a good place, um, there’s a lot of different types of groups out there. So there may be another one that you need to go and, and I don’t know, I don’t know, especially I’m speaking from a mom’s point of view. I don’t, I don’t know how our dads who are listening may feel, but sometimes we feel like.

We don’t have permission to go try a different one if we start one. But this is a case where if you’re not getting that support and you don’t feel like you’re, um, you’re able to get what you need, I think it’s okay to think about looking at other types of support that you may need to get into. So, um.

I think that’s true across, across the board.

If you start with… Say one therapist, and it doesn’t feel like a good match, um, it’s okay to switch to somebody else. Right? Like it’s, and it’s important. Like not everybody is a, a strong connection, right? So it, um, really finding what’s going to be most helpful for you individually and you as a family, I think is, um, one of the keys.

Yeah, I was, and I’m sure others who listen are the same way. I was always a rule follower. You, you do this and this is the only thing that, that, that you do. It actually took my children to teach me that sometimes you can go outside the box of what it’s supposed to be. Well, so the emotional side of it is one piece, but, um, but you know, my, my husband and I have worked with a lot of couples before and financial burdens sometimes can be a big concern and can, can cause a lot of stress in a couple to begin with.

Having an unexpected diagnosis that may have a financial burden with that too, I am just thinking that’s, that’s going to have the potential of maybe even being a larger strain now. So what are some practical tips that couples could follow to help them work together as then making these plans for those financial costs that may be there?

So again, I want to speak to in general and then kind of hone down. So. When you are bringing a child into the world, whether you are birthing them or adopting them, or however that looks, um, there’s going to be an added financial cost, um, and that will increase as the child gets older in many ways. And so, When we’re planning, if we know prenatally that we’re about to have a baby or we’re about to adopt a baby in an X number of months, obviously you want to kind of really examine your own finances as a couple or as an individual, right?

So you’re looking at things like… Is it possible for us to cut back on debt or spending or increase our savings? Do we have insurance, and if so, what does that look like and how much is it and is it going to cover these things? And then when we’re talking about people who are potentially dealing with things that might require a lot of extra resources, um, I’m thinking of things like potentially, you know, specialized wheelchairs and things like that.

Anything could come up that you might need. Um, obviously the first place you want to start with medical things is through your insurance and see how much can be covered and, um, kind of go that route. But you might be underinsured as many people in the U. S. are, um, and that’s a great place to reach out to your community.

Right, and so going to whatever your local church is, um, organizations that are set up to help in your area, or national organizations, um, where they can do some of the fundraising and other things for you to help cover some of those costs, I think is, is really important. And often your hospital will have.

Um, information on how to contact those organizations and get support, um, and then as well, like all the wraparound services, like, um, where I live, we have a, a zero to three, um, actually a zero to six program. So kids who are even, um, not necessarily diagnosed with anything, but maybe are a little bit behind developmentally, um.

They can come to your home for free every single week doing P.T., O.T., speech work with those children, um, and so I never knew about those services until we actually needed them, right? And so just becoming aware of what’s available in your area. And if not in your area, then nationally, um, you can get a lot of support in, um, in those ways.

And so I would. Start, you know, obviously with your personal finances, your personal insurance, um, and then branch out from there in terms of layers of like, okay, how, how can we do this? And some people even go, you know, the GoFundMe route, right? Like, um, if you need extra support, um, that can be a way to reach, um, people who you might not otherwise be able to reach.

And, um, listeners, if you haven’t seen the waterprairie.com website, um, there we are building a resource and there are some links there to some that may help you, um, state to state. If you don’t see resources that you know are in your state, send us an email so we can add those to them. So we’re trying to get a more well-rounded resource base there from what other parents have told us.

So we’re always open to adding more there. You know, and we have talked about, um, financial needs and planning for our children on a couple other episodes as well, but, um, but I, I appreciate you talking about this too because I think it’s, it’s important that we do address that this is a concern that would be there.

But parents that are listening, there are, there are supports out there in your community and it’s just a matter of helping you to get, to find those connections. And again, your doctor, your, your therapist, they would have, if they don’t have the answer, they can help you find that answer. Because they’re in the, they’re in the community, they’re involved with what’s there.

So you mentioned earlier about if this isn’t your first child, if you have older children in the home, um, maybe not to share with them right away, but when the time is right to talk to them, because maybe before the baby’s born, you should have that conversation. Um, especially if the, if the sibling’s not going to be able to come home right away, um, so that they’re ready.

Any advice on how, how and maybe even when, and I know it’ll depend on age and personalities and everything else, but um, are there any broad guidelines they could follow as far as talking to those older kids?

So, um, I would say probably the majority of people have children relatively closely together.

Sometimes we’re talking about blended families and things are more spread out or stuck in families and things like that. Um, and so. I think one of the most important things that I try to share with all clients is just, um, your children can feel what’s going on, right? So if you are stressed or anxious or really worried about something, they’re going to pick up on that in a heartbeat, right?

And so, Before even sharing the, um, kind of critical information that they will need to know, you could just start with, um, you know, you will probably hear your child say like, Hey, mommy, what’s wrong? Or daddy, what’s wrong? Right? Um, and rather than saying nothing, everything’s fine. You can just say, well, you know, we’ve been talking about some things that have been kind of hard and, um, and Don’t worry, it’s, it’s like everything’s going to be fine, mommy and daddy or mommy and partner, we’re, we’re handling things and everything’s going to be okay and we’ll let you know as things unfold, right?

And so just really leaving it as like a, um, an open ended conversation and then taking into account obviously the age of the child, as you said. Younger children keep it really simple, right, like, um, your little brother or sister, um, you know, is, we found out that they may have this issue going on and, um, they may have to stay in the hospital for a while after they’re born, which means that all of us might be in the hospital for a while after they’re born, right?

And, um, And there are also people within the medical system who are trained to help with those transitions for children, right? So if you, if you are somebody who knows, um, My child’s gonna be in the hospital for three months or something, right? And you’re gonna be spending a lot of time within that Environment helping your older child become accustomed to that not scared when they go in I think it’s really helpful So again keeping it simple Sharing the facts of what you know to the extent that you think your child can kind of manage those facts And Kind of nothing more and nothing less, right?

So don’t kind of project into the future. It could mean this and this and this and like you know, they may have a lot of questions and do your best to answer them simply and Kind of succinctly I would say and just say, you know, it’s a worry for us or you know We’re feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment. Meaning, you don’t have to do anything. You didn’t do anything wrong to cause anything, right, for young children. That’s where they’ll go. Is it was because I was bad at the playground the other day and this is, you know, they’ll take that on. So really, um, delineating what’s theirs and what’s, what’s, um, The parents that were handling it and everything’s going to be okay, right?

And we’ll, we’ll find our way through this together as a family, right? So I think that that can be really calming for kids. They want to know what’s going on. They already know something’s happening. Um, and it’s just really important to, um, respect them as those little humans that they are. I think additionally.

Um, what I always share with parents is it’s so important to, um, form that relationship with your baby before your baby’s born. And a lot of, um, people don’t do that or aren’t aware of it or don’t think, um, their baby is really, you know, able to communicate. Babies are They’re sentient beings for at least the last three months.

You know, they’re, they’re able to interact, they’re able to hear, they’re able to respond to touches on the belly and things like that. So building a relationship with your child, no matter who your child is or what, um, what abilities they come in with, um, Is a great step to just creating a strong attachment and healthy bonding between the parent and the child, um, lets them know, like, um, no matter what you’re coming in with, we’re here for you, we’re going to, we’re going to do our best as a family and we’re going to, you know, Get as many resources as we can to help support with this transition, um, and it’s going to be okay and we’re excited to meet you and get to know who you are.

So I think that that that piece sometimes gets overlooked, especially if we’re feeling fearful or we’re grieving this idea of, um, the child that we thought we would have. Right, and parenting is such a such a way of, um. At any point in time, you never know what’s going to be happening, right? So, like, parenting is going to throw curveballs at you left and right, um, and you’re going to have to figure out how to roll the punches, right?

So, um, and some of them will be really hard, right? And so, even if your child comes in and it’s a healthy birth and healthy pregnancy and healthy baby and everything’s looking great, Something could develop later on, right, that you then have to deal with, and it could be behavioral or physical or anything, like we, we just, we don’t know, right?

It’s always, um, parenting’s a, a big adventure like that.

It’s why there’s no guidebook for us.

Exactly. Exactly. And it, it’s why it’s hard to, it’s hard to prepare because everybody’s journey is different. Right? Right. Every child’s journey is different. Every parent’s journey is different. There are similarities and threads that kind of weave throughout and I think we can, um, gravitate towards those things to feel a little more prepared and kind of, um, create this illusion of control over what’s happening.

But um, really the, the, um, honesty of it is that it’s, um, that we never know. Right. Right. We never know for ourselves. We never know for our children what’s going to be happening. So we’re all just on this wild life journey together.

Yup. So we, we mentioned early, earlier that, um, even if you’re not that expectant mom or couple that, um, that you may know someone.

So family and friends. How can the extended family, how can the friends help support this new family as, as they’re moving into the days before the birth and maybe even soon after?

And so I think, again, it comes back to the relationship and what the relationship is like. Right? And so, um, I think often when people receive a diagnosis of…

You know, something that’s happening with their baby, um, they may feel, you know, again, a lot of different emotions and not, um, necessarily know how to process them all. So sometimes, um, sometimes it’s helpful to say, um, I want, I want to support you. Is there something that I can do that would feel supportive?

And sometimes people are good about that and know exactly what they need. Yes, you need to make me a lasagna and bring it over. Right? Like, they can be very clear about that. Right? Other times who are like, oh, no, like, it’s all good. You know, and sometimes in those instances, it’s better to actually make the lasagna and bring it over and say I don’t know, like, I don’t know how to best support you, but I made you some food for tonight or something. Right? Like something that, um, where you’re, where you’re allowing the person to receive support. Um, and, and then maybe it becomes easier for them to ask like, oh, this person was so kind. They brought over a lasagna.

Um, you know, I would really love to sit and talk with you, like do you have 20 minutes to just sit and talk with me? And then you just, as, you know, as a support person, whether you’re extended family, friends, whatever, your real job is to just be open and listen and, you know, reflect, like, yes, that sounds so hard and, um, I just want you to know I’m here for you and I’m gonna reach out and check in on you in X number of days, would that be okay? Right? Or would it be okay if I just send you a text once a day? And if you’re really having a hard time, we can chat on the phone or something, right? So like throw out options for them and people, um, can digest what, what they’re comfortable with, right? So yes, I’m comfortable with this, but no, I don’t want you texting me every day or, yes, I need somebody checking in on me daily.

Um, You know, let, let people give you the feedback, um, and then sometimes it’s like, hey, would it be helpful if I looked up organizations? I know you’re, you’re feeling super overwhelmed, I can see what’s available in our area, right? So just lending a hand without, because often people won’t know what to ask, right?

They’re like, I have no idea what I need, I’m just overwhelmed and grieving, I’m sad and. just like so many emotions going on. Um, and so anything that you can do, just like, Hey, I don’t know if like, this is what I found out about this organization. They have these things available. And then you just kind of gently leave it on their doorstep or on their voicemail or in their email or whatever.

Um, so that they can take. What they need, um, and move on without the rest.

So, I know we need to wrap up soon. Um, what are, do you have any last words of encouragement that you’d like to pass on or words of advice or wisdom that you want to pass on to our parents who are listening?

I guess, um, you know, though I’m a specialist in parenting, I’m still on my own parenting journey as well, and I’m still learning new things all the time, um, having a teenager and a preteen. Um, and I guess, you know, my, my invitation rather than advice, but my invitation is to really embrace the journey of parenthood.

No matter who your child is or who your children are, um, it’s such a incredible, um, way to learn about yourself and to. Embrace these little beings coming into the world, however they come in and however they show up and whoever they are, they’re all bringing these amazing gifts into the world. And I think as parents, um, I see my job as helping to support them to be their best selves, even if it’s, um, very different than who I might’ve anticipated them to be.

Like, oh, I didn’t think that we were going to go that route, but okay, I want to support you and, um, whoever you are. And, uh, and also just letting it land in you. So being open to being changed by your Children, right? So, like, and changed by your family, your whole family system, like taking it in, um, understanding, you know, learning from what’s happening, understanding people on a different level and.

Um, allowing yourself to be really present and touched by our, our little beings and um, who they are in the world and who we are in the world.

Excellent. Excellent. So, those who have been listening, if they want to get in touch with you, what’s the best way for them to contact you?

So, if you would like to get in touch with me, the easiest way is through email and that would be info[@]preparedforparenthood.com.

So my website is preparedforparenthood.com. Um, and you can either just go to the website and contact me there, or you can email me directly at info[@]preparedforparenthood.com. I’m also on Instagram under the same name. Um, I just set up a YouTube channel at Prepared for Parenthood.

Um, and I’m also on Facebook. Um, so any of those ways that you… I would like to reach out, I’d love to hear from you and connect with you.

And your podcast is Prepared for Parenthood, is that correct?

It is. It hasn’t, um, it hasn’t launched yet, so it will be Prepared for Parenthood, um, and so once I start recording and, um, setting that up, that will be, uh, how you can find me as well.

All right. So tell me, uh, tell me about the podcast. What is it going to be about? Tell me about your business and your projects that you have going on.

Uh, so again, most of my work right now is working with expectant and new parents, um, doing psychotherapy and parent coaching. Um, and also I have a couple of courses that are up and running around, um, you know, going, becoming a parent, um, what it’s like in new parenthood. rites and rituals around that. Um, and so really just inviting people in to check out and look around the website and see what’s happening.

Um, and then the podcast, the idea around it is, um, prepared for parenthood, helping people kind of get a broad view of, um, Anywhere from preconception through about the first five years, which again is my sweet spot that I work in. And so, um, working in the field of pre and perinatal psychology and health, I get to meet a lot of really interesting people who are doing work all over the world in those areas.

Um, and so doing some interviews with them, offering some sort of like an educational, um, Bent to it of, uh, learning about the unborn, the born, the development, um, in early childhood, um, and ways that we can best support that and support the parents going through that process as well.

That sounds very interesting. I think that, that, that will, will have a good audience out there too. So, Stephanie, thank you for taking the time today to answer my questions and to help share some of your expertise here. Um, and I do want to remind those, um, that this is an educational podcast. We’re releasing this information for information purposes only.

And, um, and we want you to make sure that you’re checking with your doctors and your counselors for anything specific to your situation. Um, Stephanie, thank you for taking the time here and for sharing your, your advice with us and your information with us.

My pleasure, Tonya. Thanks for having me.

The post Episode #81: How to Prepare for a Special Needs Baby appeared first on Water Prairie.

Show Notes:

Find the full directory at waterprairie.com/listen.

In this interview, Tonya speaks with Anouk Brière-Godbout about parenting emotionally intense children, especially those with special needs. They discuss various challenges faced by parents of such children and common misconceptions. Anouk emphasizes that these children often experience intense emotions that may not be understood by others. They also discuss strategies for dealing with meltdowns and finding solutions that work for each child.

Anouk provides valuable insights into the world of parenting emotionally intense kids, including the importance of self-care for parents. She mentions her website and podcast, “Parenting the Intensity,” as resources for parents looking for support and strategies. Overall, this interview sheds light on the challenges and needs of parents in this unique situation and offers a resource for support and understanding.

📣 Connect with Anouk:

Are you getting our newsletter? If not, subscribe at https://waterprairie.com/newsletter

👉 Support our podcast and help us share more incredible stories by making a donation at Buy Me A Coffee. Your contribution makes a significant impact in bringing these stories to light. Thank you for your support!

https://BuyMeACoffee.com/waterprairie

Music Used:

“LazyDay” by Audionautix is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 license. https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Artist: http://audionautix.com/

*******************

Anouk Brière-Godbout is a mom of 3 emotionally intense kids, who has a master’s in social work and has been supporting parents for 15 years (and that’s how long she’s been a mom!).

She now supports parents of emotionally intense kids for whom nothing in the “general parenting advice” seems to work so they feel confident in trying different things that fit their kids’ needs better.

You can find Anouk on her website at https://familymoments.ca/ or follow her on her podcast at Parenting the Intensity.

Full Transcript of Interview:

Tonya: Anouk welcome to Water Prairie.

Anouk: Thank you for having me, Tonya.

This season we’ve been playing a game called Two Truths and a Lie, and each of my guests, I’ve been asking them to bring in three facts, and Anouk has agreed to play the game with us today.

So, um, so listeners, you’re going to listen to her three facts and try to decide which one is not true. And in the, if you’re watching on YouTube, you can write in the comments, or if you’re listening to the podcast, you can go to our Twitter feed or our Instagram feed and answer on the picture that you find there.

And a week after we release this, we’ll come back and give you the right answer. But um, but Anouk, what are your three facts that you, that you brought to share with us?

Yes. So, the first one is that I started my first business at 15 years old. The second one is that I worked nonstop for 20 hours. No bathroom break. Not anything. Not even a glass of water. And the third one is that I drove for five hours with a sprained ankle before, um, cruise control was a thing.

Wow! All right. So, listeners, you know what to do. Listen to the podcast first and then go in and leave your answer. You might get a little tip in here. You never know. Sometimes my guests give some clues as they’re answering our other questions.

Today we’re going to be talking about a topic we haven’t talked about before and it is parenting emotionally intense kids. And um, and so a lot of our listeners may have a child that has a diagnosis that this kind of makes sense why they seem to be a little bit tightly wound, and then others may just have a child that just is, um, pretty intense in their personality. So, um, so listeners, whether you are a parent of a child with a disability, you may relate to what we’re talking about today. Um, or know someone who, who would benefit from this. So, um, so if you’re listening to it and you know, someone else, please, please share this with them.

But, um, but to kind of get us connected and to know what we’re really talking about, Anouk, can you. Describe what an emotionally intense child might look like.

Um, I would say there’s many profiles that they can have. In general, they will react more intensely than the normal kid will be. And I’m using air quotes for your listeners.

Um, because normal is not a word that I really… Thinking exists, but, um, I would say like, yeah, it’s kids that will be more reactive in some ways. Um, I think we see mainly two profiles. One that is probably the child that you’re going to get phone call from daycare or school like every day because something went on at school.

And it’s a child that is like that everywhere. And the other profile that is less, um, obvious, maybe sometimes the one that is going to. Never. You’re never going to get a call from school. You might not even they might not even know who your kid is in some settings. Um, but at home, you’re getting that intensity much more.

Um, so it looks sometimes like crying. It can look like just a meltdown. It can look like reacting very intensely to things that look like nothing to us as parents. Um, and if you have the profile that is like, nobody else outside of your house sees. It’s hard because nobody understands. They think you have the perfect child, but at home, it’s another child, and it can be very challenging because you feel it’s your fault.

Um, and the child that is at home, at school, very challenging, then you’re often blamed by school or daycare or people outside because you’re not doing your job as parents. Um, like that’s how people make you feel, and that’s how we might feel to us parents of emotionally intense kids. Like, everything is just more, you know.

So I, I know, so you’ve, you’ve described, um, At least one of my children, even though my kids are older, but like I can’t remember having, um, at home with my son when he was young, especially feeling like we were always just going, going, going with, you know, just strong reactions to everything.

And it wasn’t always bad. It was just strong. We used to say that he, that he wore his emotions on his sleeve because you, you knew. No one doubted how he felt at the time, but then the teachers would tell me that, you know, no, he’s always said such a gentleman. He’s always respectful. And it’s, um, and so I had a counselor at the school once tell me that it actually was a good sign that he showed those emotions to us, but could control them outside the home because it meant that he felt safe, that he felt That, that was a safe place for him so that he could, and there were times that I wondered, do I really want to make it that safe anymore because, because parents, it gets hard whenever you ever happen to battle with that.

Definitely. And that’s, that’s very true. I think it’s something that’s very important to address is that sometimes the school can say that we don’t have that problem. So, it’s your problem. And right. Yeah, maybe, maybe. But the fact is that if kids explode at home, it’s because something is not going well, most probably at school or daycare.

So it’s not your, just your problem at home. But most of the time, since they don’t have to deal with it, they won’t help. Um, which is challenging when, when you, they have to deal with it, they want to collaborate with you more. Uh, so yeah, I, I’ve had. I have like three kids and I have two that fit one category and one that fits the other category. So I’ve experienced it all.

Well, you know, and I know before I had kids, and this is confession time here, I would judge other parents, you know, because you know, you’d be, I always think more like at, at, at the grocery store at. the out shopping at the checkout, because it seems like that’s always when, you know, they’ve been entertained when they were in the store and then they have to wait for mom to check out now.

And you’d have all the candies and everything, toys, everything, but they would, you know, then you’d see the child that’s like laying on the floor and they’re screaming. And of course, you know, my uneducated mind was, you know, we’ll. It’s that the parent must be doing something wrong. And so you’re right. I mean, I, I fully admit that I used to do that. And it’s, um, so now whenever I see the same situation, it’s like, you know, mom, can, can I do anything to help you because I’m on the other side of it. So I understand.

And sometimes just like a look of, I get what you’re going through. Yeah, exactly. A look of blame makes a huge difference.

You aren’t alone.

Yes. I get you, like, it’s okay.

So one of the things you, you mentioned, um, the candy and all that. So one of the things that we did with our kids that seemed to work with both of them, especially when they were little, when they were older, they’re easier to understand. Like logic. So you can kind of help them talk through some of those feelings.

But, um, but when they were little and they just didn’t understand anything, we would go, whatever story we went into, we would go and we would find a friend at the store. And the friend might be a book. It might be a stuffed animal. It might be a ball. It’d be something that they could hold on to that lived at the store.

And they got to spend their shopping time with that thing that they had to say goodbye because, because it lived at the store. And for some reason with the, both the kids, it actually worked and they would, they would go back and look for that stuff now, whatever it was. And um, and thankfully it was always there. It wasn’t something that was ever sold.

So that might have created another problem. I also love like I used, now I use my phone, but when my older ones were little, it, I didn’t add a phone that took pictures. Um, but I would always say, we’re going to put that on your Christmas list or on your birthday present list.

So, we are not like, we’re not ever going to get it. We will get it. Of course, we’re never going to get everything you ask for, because on one trip you might ask for like 15 things.

And you’re not going to remember what they were anyway.

My phone now is full of those photos though. She could remember because of that. I should delete them. But that’s another trick that sometimes happens to us, but it, happens like everywhere and it will happen at home. And to the point you were saying, like, kids will do it more to us. Um, I have one of my kid who, um, was doing it on purpose. Like she needed to cry. to let their emotions out at the end of the day when she started school and she, she needed to cry, but she was not able to, like, she was not able to let it go.

And so she would do things on purpose, knowing that I wouldn’t be mad. So when I would get mad, she would be able to cry, you know, and that was like, it was so obvious because she was doing things that she would never do otherwise. Like it was really that the point was that she would cry. I would make her cry.

That was, I was like. I’m not gonna. But you need to. How can we do that? So it can be very interesting to see that they, they need that release. It’s a release of something or it’s an overwhelm. It’s not like it. And I would say that’s the particularity of emotionally intense kids is that They don’t do it on purpose, and that’s the thing that we need to remember as parents.

They don’t do that because they’re bad kids. They do that because they cannot control it. And, and like giving consequences is just going to increase the reaction because they don’t control what’s going on. And so it, it’s often an overload of emotion, an overload of stimuli. Um, like lots of those kids.

Might get at some point a diagnosis of neurodivergence being neurodivergent. It can be kids with anxiety, with different mental health issues. Um, trauma, like it, it can be a lot of things. Right. Um, I, of course, hypersensitive kids will be like that. Um, kids who have, um, Um, speech delay because they cannot express themselves at the level of their cognitive functions, so it’s very frustrating.

So there’s lots of reasons why a child might have emotional, uh, intensity in their life. Um, and, and sometimes we just don’t know. And sometimes there’s many reasons, like it’s not one reason. There can be many things, which is, makes it very hard for the parent to, to find what’s the cause.

Right. Well, I’m thinking through, you know, when, you know, we, we always talk, talk, talk about kids going through their terrible twos, you know, and, and a lot of that’s happening with, as you said, with the language.

They mentally, they know what they want now, but they don’t have the tools yet to communicate. And so, so they get frustrated. Um, but then, so now you have a five-year-old who may be facing a similar challenge with, they may have the words, but they may not understand how to communicate that feeling yet of what they have.

And now they’re tired. They’ve been overstimulated that, you know, so you’re right. There’s so many different things that, that could be there that, you know, just thinking through. where the triggers are. And I want to clarify too that, um, when we’re talking about emotionally intense kids, we’re not talking about one child having a tantrum one day and then the rest of the time they’re just kind of relaxed and all.

But I think some of what we’re going to talk about here might could be applied in that situation. For the parent to be able to, to, to, to learn from it. But, um, but have empathy for everyone else whenever that happens to you. So, so, you know, this is one day and not day after day after day. But, um, but yeah, but it’s.

In general, it’s every day, many times a day. It’s kind of like skip some days. Um, but most of the time there will be some of it every day, probably more than once a day. Every kids will have a tantrum once in a while. That’s just.

Being kids and even like adults, adults, adults have a right, right. That’s, we just do them different ways, but .

Exactly. But sometimes it kind of looks the same. So, yeah.

So we, so we have these kids and you know, we have the feelings of people maybe passing judgment on us or you know, not understanding. So we may not always have that support that’s out there. What strategies can we use to help them as they’re trying to figure out what their feelings are? So that they can be healthy.

Um, I would say there’s two things and we might address one after the other but, um, In general, it’s regulation. So it’s really is emotional regulation. As I was saying, it’s not kids that do anything on purpose. They are losing it. Like, they don’t control what’s happening for whatever reason. And so it’s helping find, and I really call that detective work because it can be very hard to find.

It’s finding the triggers, the situation when it happens. And sometimes, like, Often there’s one, more than one thing, so it looks completely random. Like parents will say, I don’t know what it is because it’s all the time. When you really start to look closely, it’s not all the time, it’s not all the situation.

It’s specific moments, specific triggers, but it can appear like it’s all the time or that there’s randomness in it because sometimes often there’s more than one thing like a child might be hungry and there might be too much noise or they might have a like a fight with kid with a friend in school and you’re not even aware that there was a fight in school and then they will just it’s like, it’s like, Blow because you said no to a candy bar, but the cause is not the candy bar.

The cause is everything else going on and the candy bar is just like that little drop of oil on the fire, you know? So it just explode, but the candy bar is not even relevant. So trying to negotiate with the kids about the candy bar, it’s losing our time because the candy bar is not the real reason why the kid, like I was saying with my daughter, she was trying to make me mad so she would cry. I’m going to be like it’s not often.

It’s not that on purpose. It’s really, really the on purpose, but that’s what they’re doing. Like they’re just need the support and they’re explosive because they need the support. They need us to help them regulate. So it’s both detective work in. What’s triggering and what helps that kid calm down because not every child will be calm by the same things we were talking a bit before we went on like on the air about some kids need to be held and some needs to be left alone.

Um, sometime it can be a way to blanket and can be water. Uh, it can be like there’s so many can be music and phones. It can be a calm, dark room or. Or, or, like, it, it, for different kids, it’s different, um, different things that will help them calm down. So it’s finding both the cause and triggers, not necessarily a real cause, because, yes, the cause might help if you know, for example, that you have a kid with autism.

Like kids, neurodivergent kids are classic, uh, really emotional kids. If you know that, it might help you in your detective work to find the triggers, but you don’t need the diagnosis to find the triggers. You just need to, like, look at your kids and be very mindful and observant of that kid and what’s happening in their life.

And yes, you might not find them all because some might happen with somebody else and you just don’t know. But the more you can find, the more you’re aware of them, the more you’ll, it will help. But in the moment, giving consequences will just make things worse. So just really helping them to calm down and finding ways to help them regulate and not argue with them.

Like it’s pointless. You’re going to lose your time. It’s just going to be like, it’s going to escalate. And that brings me to the other things that is very important is. Staying calm, which, like, is not, not that easy. Like, it’s, we, we hear that all the time. You don’t yell at your kids and you stay calm. And like, that’s just bad advice because it’s very hard to do.

Like, you cannot just say to someone, stay calm. No, no. Just no. But that’s the fact. We need to stay calm because when they are super intense like that, it’s triggering for us. It’s like we, it, it even often trigger our fight or flight instinct because the noise can be very loud because they can be somewhat aggressive, sometimes really aggressive.

And so it’s, it’s hard to deal with. So we need to be super, super in control ourselves. And that’s very hard, especially when we are tired or when we are hungry, when we are overwhelmed. So that’s the other part. We need to, and that’s like the more dull answer of all, do self care. But lots of self regulating self care to be able to stay calm in those moments.

They’re, um, so you’re talking about the self care, like, so, you know, I’m thinking some of our parents have more than one child. You have three children. So. You’re, you were right, because I’m picturing that fight or flight, you’re going to escalate to that right away because now you’re trying to protect another child who may be in the room or witnessing that.

Um, so how can parents. Like, care for themselves, like how, how can they make sure that their own emotional well being is strong so that they’re not adding to the, the storm that’s happening there?

Yeah. And like, yeah, that’s totally like having even one kid is hard to do self care when you have a kid with special needs.

It’s extra hard to do self care when we have more than one kid with special needs. I’m not even going to say like, it’s almost impossible, but it’s still essential. And so I think that what I like to say is that we need to reframe what self care means. Self care is not, um, a weekend at the spa, like

I don’t even know what that is.

I have one plan with a friend at the end of the month is the first time in 15 years of motherhood. Wow. We’ll see if it really happens. I don’t know what it is either. I never went. So, so yeah, I mean, that’s not self care when you have kids, when you have multiple kids and when you have kids with special needs, it’s just not going to happen.

And so, and even seriously, like, even if you went once a month, it’s not going to be enough. Like, it’s not going to, like, it needs to be a constant thing. And that’s like self care that is self regulating is probably the thing I would go first. So like, yeah. Yoga, meditation, breath work. And even if breath work for you means taking one deep breath once an hour, like that’s better than nothing.

Yeah. Yeah. When, when your hour put, put an alarm clock on your, your phone and every hour it’s going to ring and you take a deep breath. Like even just that it’s self care. Okay.

Okay. Okay. So, so it doesn’t have to be complicated. It could be, it could be simple.

Yeah. And it’s just like, maybe you can drink like one warm sip of coffee.

And enjoying it. Like, this is self care. When you have kids, how many, I don’t know how many, like, it’s, it’s a joke in my house that if I’m looking for my tea, it’s probably in the, uh, the, uh, the microwave. Because I’m re eating my tea so many times. My kids, like, when I’m looking for my tea, my kids are like, uh, you look in the microwave.

Like, it’s, it’s, yeah. So, it, it can be just that. Just, like, one sip. Even if you can take your entire cup. What? Without creating it, like that’s the summum of self care.

I don’t think that’s possible. I mean, even, even at my level right now, I’ve never done that.

I don’t think I do, but unless I’m working, but I mean, those things, like just, it’s like appreciating what we are already doing just a tiny bit more.

And it’s a practice, but just a tiny bit, like just the deep breath. It just, okay, I’m here now in that moment. doing what I’m doing. This is self care, even if it’s just for one second or three seconds. And you, you, you practice it and it gets like it, you can get up to 10 seconds at some point. And if you do that, I don’t know how many hours you’re up during 24, 18.

Um, if you do that, like 18 times during your day, it’s 18 times, five seconds of self care you’ve done in your day. It’s better than none. You know? Right, right.

Well, I like that because a lot of times whenever I ask that question of people, I’m given like a, a more difficult process to follow. This is a start. And then maybe that, that one breath can become two as you’re going.

Maybe you can like do, you can start yoga by doing one sun salutation that takes about 15 seconds and could build up to three minutes or five minutes, and it’s better than none, you know, so it’s just like just a little bit. Just doing that is better than nothing, and it builds up on itself. At some point, it gets easier. And the other part is doing it with our kids. Like, I love.

I was going to ask about that.

Yeah, dance kitchen party. Like, that’s my favorite go to for healthcare with kids. Like, I, if I need an outfit and I need to, like, switch the energy, I’m going to put music and do a dance kitchen party.

Like, nobody’s watching because nobody’s watching and it’s my kids. Even my teens, they’re used to me dancing. Dancing and eat like right. Um, and so yeah, like that can be. And for me, uh, photography was one, like I do photography, but documentary style. So I will follow my kids and take pictures and be interested in what they’re doing while I take pictures.

The pictures are my hobby, but I take care of them at the same time. And I’m interested in what they’re doing. So, like, it’s finding things that we can do with them that doesn’t take us away from. Yes, but, for example, photography. Sometimes I’m going to do the dishes, they’re going to do something fun. I’m going to grab my camera, take two pictures.

It took me away from dishes for, like, a minute, and I’m going to go back. But also, they got one more minute of attention. I would not have gotten that, you know? So, it’s a win win.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like, I like that. So, are there, um, Like as we’re, as we’re trying to connect emotionally with our kids, because I think that’s, that’s a big piece of it as far as understanding what their emotion is or being able to, um, convey what our emotions are without yelling at them. How can parents strike a balance between providing structure and routine, but also allow room for their child’s expression emotionally?

Absolutely. That’s a hard one. Um, I would say really depends. Some kids really need routine so that it will be part of their triggers if there’s not enough routine. So if that’s what you’re unveiling when you look at your, your, your kids and observing your kids, I would say that it’s very important to try and put routines in place.

And if you as a parent yourself is not a routine person, like lots of ADHD or for example, um, it might be a struggle and that might be difficult for some parents to put routine in place. Um, and then at that, at those point, I would say there’s like You can have basic routines. You don’t have to go like sometimes we like routines need to be this, this, this and this at specific hours.

And some kids really need that, like really need that and crave that. And the more unstructured and disorganized they are, the more routine they would need. Um, other kids, it’s the opposite. Like, again, if you have an ADHD or as a kid, they might not need a routine. They might get bored very fast with a routine, and then it’s the opposite.

They, they need things to change up. And in the parenting world, routine is like that, that big thing that we absolutely need to put in place and that it’s good for everyone. And honestly, like, I don’t think any advice is good for everyone. Not every parent’s, not every kid, like, it’s just not a thing.

There’s no. Um, there’s no parenting advice that is good for every kind of family, and I really think it’s just tailoring those routine to the need of your family and the reality of your family. Like for example, I’m a family who like my husband’s always worked changing schedule. So some days is there for the dinnertime, some days he’s not, and we only know that a few days ahead.

So we need to change our routine every single day. And sometimes I’m busy and sometimes he’s busy. Like we don’t have parents that work nine to five and are always there at the same times. And quite frankly, that’s not the reality of lots of families. Like think about all the nurses, doctors, everybody who works in the, in the like military and health care system and lots of like a grocery store.

And like, there’s lots of people who don’t have that nine to five classical schedule and give, keeping a consistent schedule might not be realistic for lots of families, much more than we. are advertised, like the typical family for me doesn’t exist either and the typical schedule. So it’s finding a way to keep a routine somewhat in your life to the extent that your kids needs it.

Because yes, some kids really crave the routine. And then you’ll have as a parent to do the extra effort if it’s not natural. So that the kids can be regulated because it might be dysregulating for them. But if your kids don’t want a routine, then it can just be Before going to bed, we need to brush teeth, take a bath, and go to bed, actually, or read a book.

But the kid can choose what order they want it in, because they need variety to keep things interesting. And so their routine is just, we do those things, but not necessarily in the same order. As another kid, they would need to have bath time at… 730 and book 745 because they need that. So it all depends on the kids.

So the balance, I would say. It depends on each family. There’s no one right balance. I don’t know if that answers your question.

It does. It’s, you know, it’s something that as a family, we’ve always struggled with because I’m not a routine person. It’s um, I have 20 projects going on at any given time. I’m, you know, and there’s, it’s, it’s why I love podcasting because there’s enough projects just within this one that I can bounce from one to the other, but so, so it kind of, so that’s kind of how I was.

And, um, raising my kids, you know, we didn’t have dinner at the same time every night. We, but, but I, I, I like how you said that, you know, even just having the structure of knowing that they’re going to have a bath, they’re going to have their teeth brushed. They did have dinner at some point. See, I always, I’ve always felt guilty that I didn’t have any type of structure and I think both of them needed more structure than I could give them.

But that, that’s very freeing just to hear that. to know that there was some type of structure because there was expectation that all these things would be done. And they, and then they were done, um, pretty much every night.

Yeah. And sometimes we skip the bath and sometimes we skip brushing. The teeth are not going to fall because you skip a night. Right. Right. They just want you to try that. Do you think that? But it’s not true.

When, when they were little, we did have, they would always climb, climb into our bed and we would read together and we would do devotions together. So that, that was always the last thing before they went to bed. So, so there was some type of routine. It just wasn’t like every day at six o’clock, this is what we’re doing. So, and I was doing it wrong. Yeah.

And for your family, like just the, that can be the routine. There’s something before bed that is predictable. That’s a routine. Yeah. Like, we’re told it should be all those, like, 15 steps, but not necessarily. That’s the routine. It, but some, sometimes the routine makes just the fighting less. Some kids need more expectation, more clear, so they fight less.

The other thing that I was thinking of when you were answering that one was, um, We’re talking about watching your child, knowing your child, would you recommend that a parent keep some, keep like a journal of what they’re starting to see and to look for those patterns that way?

Yeah, I would say this. I did it mostly with photos. So I, I’m guessing, I would say it depends on everyone, like what you prefer. Um, I was not a big journaler. I am now. I do journal much more, but I was not that much. I started really I started noting things down a little bit, but it became easier for me when I started make like doing photography.

I was always taking pictures, but when I started doing it like every day, it became much easier for me to, um, document those things and observe new things. But I would say it depends on every parent. That is really a parent thing. Like if you prefer pictures, go with pictures. If you prefer videos, go with video videos.

If you prefer noting things down, go on. But I would definitely recommend capturing it in some ways because our brains forget, like, so easily.

Well, because, because we end up having two or three days of peace and no, no outburst. And then we think, you know, well, you know, this, this, this is fine. And then it shows up again because it’s probably going to, but then we forget what the pattern was before. And, um, because the other thing I was thinking,

If you don’t note things down.

And I was thinking too that even if your child isn’t diagnosed with a reason for being on an IEP at school, um, I don’t know, is, is it the same in Canada as in the U. S.? We have the, the Individualized Education Plan. What, what would you have in Canada?

No, we don’t. It’s not that clear. Um, some kids will have like a quotation, like a number associated with them if they have special needs and then that will come with some type of support.

Um, but it’s not all kids that has special needs with that would be like for to have those. Like quotes, like those number associated, it needs to be, um, very specific criteria. So some kids will need, need some support, but they don’t like get that. Um, it’s not as clear, I would say. I’m not super familiar with the IEP.

I keep hearing about it, but I’m not really sure what it is. Okay. Um, but yeah, I would say it’s kind of difficult to like compare because it really. Like different and here we have like special education class that are like kids will be regrouped based on their needs But that would be for really I needs Right, like I we will never see for example an ADHD kid with that.

We will see autistic kids, but only if they have Like, uh, developmental delays in general, like so level two, three autism, maybe never level one. Some schools are starting to have some classroom for level one autism, but it’s really rare. Um, and so in general, those kids should receive services in their classrooms, but it will be, um, very I, I worked a lot with kids, with parents of kids with special needs, like different special needs, and when they were hesitant between like regular…

Regular classroom and specialized classroom because their kids would, um, qualify for specialized classroom, but the parents still ask their, like, it’s the parents ultimately that would decide. I would always recommend that they go to the specialized one just before, because there’s not enough service.

And so the, the ones that go in regular classroom that should get the service, they don’t in general. I would also say this is specific to my province. It’s really different. Like the school system is not the same here than it is in different province in Canada. So it really is. Yeah. And I’m not, like Quebec is very specific in their school system compared to the rest of Canada. And I’m not familiar with the rest of Canada’s school system that much.

Yeah. Because I’ve never asked that question to, to know, and I’ve, I’ve had several guests on who, who live in Canada. We just haven’t addressed that yet. Well, so, so what I was getting at is even if your child isn’t on an education plan, um, you still, you know, your child.

And so if they’re in public school by keeping this journal or some type of documentation to figure out what that is, I would, I would suggest having a conversation with your child’s teacher to help them understand maybe what some of the triggers are because then they could maybe help them. You know Recognize before, like if they know something’s going to happen in the way that class is transitioning and that it’s going to be more difficult for your child, then they would be more likely to maybe go over and, and, and stand near them during that time or, or have a buddy assigned to them so that they, or maybe have them go in earlier, come in late, if that, if that would make it easier for them.

Um, and so if you know what those things are, I mean, I, I don’t know many teachers who wouldn’t work with you if you’re trying to help make it a more peaceful situation for the teacher as well as for your child.

Yeah, for sure. And, but the thing is that sometimes the triggers are different in school and at home, um, so might help, might not.

And often the trick that works at home to help the kid, kids go down, don’t work at school because. It’s not one on one, like the possibility to be one on one is not the same, but it can still help to, to share if the teacher’s open. I sadly had experiences where the teacher’s not that open to the parents feedback.

And in high school, like I receive, because we have like an intervention plan that we, we call them, the kids can have that. Um, and I received one this year for my, one of my child and I was not consulted at all. Like, nobody talked to me before they did that, they just talked to my daughter. So I was like, okay, it might have been useful if I could have said something.

But that’s high school, it’s different than elementary school. I would have been, I would have talked to the teacher at least, um, not necessarily, normally the parents are supposed to be there when they do those plans, it doesn’t always happen. Okay.

Okay. Yeah, so there, there are some differences between, between the school systems in our countries too, which is part of this too, because the, um, because we do, because in the U.S. we have the, the, the IDEA policy and we also have the Americans with Disabilities Act, um, that, that protects some. And so, and those were huge changes that, that happened. But there’s still, I mean, even after 30 some years, it still needs to be improved. It’s just. It’s just. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which is why we have these conversations and why, why we’re trying to, to help give our parents as many tools as we can.

Yeah. And, and let’s be honest, like school teachers are not trained to support, like, it. kids that have special needs. It’s not their fault. They’re just don’t have the training. They don’t have many kids with different needs in their class, and they don’t even necessarily have diagnosis. They don’t really know what’s going on, and they don’t have enough support from specialists to help them.

So it’s really not. I always like running like most of the time. It’s not on the teacher. It’s on the system. Yeah. Like, it really is. Like, even the teachers who don’t want to cooperate in general, it’s because they’re overwhelmed themselves. It’s not because they’re bad people. Yeah.

Yeah. No, I agree. Yeah.

They just add enough.

It’s, and unfortunately a lot of our parents that are listening have had, you know, the negative interactions with teachers and it’s good to remind them that it’s not, it’s nothing personal on them, but there is a lot, there’s a lot more in the picture than what we can see. And I, and I’ve, I’ve passed blame before, um, as well.

Um, sometimes it was warranted, sometimes it wasn’t. Yeah. I mean, there’s good human, but that’s for another conversation.

So, so talking about, um, about misunderstandings and all. With, we’ve talked about with our ADHD kids, with our kids with that are lacking, um, executive functioning with down syndrome. I’ve asked this question of a lot of difference that I wanted to ask you too. Are there any common misconceptions about emotionally intense kids and, um, and thinking to not just.

You know, Joey, who has no disabilities and no, no learning disabilities or anything, who also is emotionally intense, but for our kids who have special needs as well, with that, are there any misconceptions that, that you’ve come across that you’d like to, to talk about?

I would say in general, it’s that the kid is misbehaving. It’s a kid that is not, and the parents is not doing their job correctly. It’s the thing that we see the most. And that’s the parent. Look at themselves that way often and they might look at their kids that way often that the kids is it’s a misbehaving It’s not like I would say that’s the most common thing.

We expect that kid and often it’s intelligent kids So we expect those kids to be able to collaborate and they don’t and then like we were saying about the grocery store Example like people would judge a parent they will judge a kid for not being Well raised basically, um, and parents will just be overwhelmed and think that they are doing a bad job and they’re failing in their parenting.

And for that reason, it’s, um, it’s not taught about a lot. Like parents won’t share that with other parents because the, it’s kind of shameful because it looks like you’re not able to raise your kids basically. And if the kid has a diagnosis, it makes it a little bit more easy because you can explain that if the kids doesn’t have, might never, or just don’t have it yet, it really is kind of shameful because you feel it’s your fault and people makes you feel like it’s your fault. So, I would say that’s the misconception that we see the most.

What I’m thinking too that, um, even, even with, um, Like our preteen and our teenage girls, I know I’ve heard like not in school, but in like outside groups like clubs and stuff, the adults working with it saying, you know, well, she’s, she’s just over overly dramatic.

She’s trying to get extra attention. And I think that can be a misunderstanding to that. You know, this is someone who’s, who’s either not able to regulate those emotions or like you’re saying with your daughter, she’s, She’s trying to figure out how to do it and she can’t do it herself. So she needs that, that extra.

Yeah, or the classic, like, uh, the whiny kids who always wants a band aid or things like that. Because they’re too, like, sensitive kids. This is a classic too, like, most often in girls, but it will be seen in any, any kids. Um, and if it’s a boy, it’s going to be even worse because it’s like that misconstrued that boys don’t cry, still is very hard in our society.

So kids that whine a lot and is like crying at every little bump. But. It’s hard for them like they’re really hurt physically or it might be scary. Like some kids are just scared. And we tend to say, Oh, you just like you, you were scared. That’s nothing, but it’s not nothing. Being scared is a real thing.

It’s much worse than the earth that you hurt your knee, but there’s nothing you were more scared than the actual thing happening to your knee. But the scare you add was real and it, when you’re extremely sensitive, that scare is worse than the physical pain. Yeah.

So I was one of those kids, excuse me, I was one of those kids that was very shy. That’s why I was quiet. I didn’t, I didn’t talk a lot, especially outside the house, um, but I would cry easily. And so I would aggravate a lot of people because, because that’s, but I was that emotional one. And so I learned that you waited until later to show your emotion when you’re away from everyone.

I was that kid too. Yeah.

So I think, I mean, I think a lot of our parents that are listening can think back. to their childhood. You know, emotions are strong. We remember those emotions from when we were young. And it’s part of growing up. And I say this at different times. I picture our children as being these little bodies that are holding adult emotions inside of them.

And so they’re tightly packaged in there. And whenever they have emotions, they just kind of explode because it’s too much for that little body to hold. Um, and so I, I never liked to belittle an emotion because they are. They’re very strong. We, we do feel them. And like I said, we, we remember them for years.

Yes. And it’s often like we, we, uh, we dismiss those emotions. We dismiss as not important or like too much. Because we see, like, a child that will do, like, an entire drama because the plate is not the right color. It looks completely silly as a parent, but it’s a real struggle inside that child. This child is really living it.

And I know, like, the struggle of getting out the door. Like we were, we were talking about routine sometimes, it’s like finding the balance between the shoes. Yeah. Where’s the shoes are. And like, I have like the, the, the, the socks that are not the wrong socks or like that little seam on the socks.

Those are the wrong socks is what I’m talking about.

Yes. And so sometimes it can be a struggle, but also like often it’s thinking outside the box. Like for example, one of my child was always late. Because getting dressed in the morning was a nightmare. Um, we started dressing in the evening so she would sleep dressed. We’d save 25 minutes every morning that way. And it sounds weird.

I mean, you say to people… That’s smart though. Lots of people were like, they were looking at me like I was crazy when I was saying that. Or they looked at me like I was a genius. It’s different. If they had the same struggle as I had, they were looking at me as a genius. Most parents were like, your kids sleep like dress. I’m like, you know what? Leggings and a t-shirt.

She was clean. The clothes were clean.

And leggings and a t shirt or a PJ. What’s the difference? Right. Like, like, yeah, it’s the same. So like finding those solutions also can be very helpful when you have. and dance kids that can like make you lose lots of time in moments that you don’t have the time.

Right, right. And, and knowing also like those, those two to four or five years old wants to do everything by themselves, but it takes forever. If you know your kids absolutely need to tie their own shoe, even if they cannot, and it will end up in a meltdown, then plan 25 minutes to put on shoes. Don’t expect it to take two minutes because it’s not gonna, you know, that’s how planning and knowing what are the triggers will help you.

Like right now my youngest is on her tying my own belt in the car seat that she’s not quite able to and she will get really frustrated and sometimes it’s like seven minutes to tie the belt in the car. Right. Right. Right. It can be very aggravating if you’re late somewhere. And just like explaining, like sometimes like, today we don’t have the time. We will have time later. Might work, might not, but it can be helpful.

You can do it twice whenever I pick you up.

For example, like if you do half, I do half. We can do, once we’re home tonight, you can do it 10 times if you want. You can even take the car seat out of the car and you can do it as many times as you want.

You can sit at the dinner table with your car seat. I don’t care.

It’s like thinking outside the box to find a solution that might help. It’s very helpful in those moments. Yeah.

Well, this is, this has been very interesting. If our parents want to get in touch with you, what’s the best way for them to contact you?

Um, I would say probably my website. It’s, uh, familymoments.ca because I’m in Canada. Um, or I also have a podcast, which is Parenting the Intensity. Um, so it’s probably the best way. I have an Instagram account for the podcast also. So, it’s probably the best way to find me. Um, I also have like free resources for self-care, um, ways to find them, like to help find ways to do self-care the way I was talking earlier and, uh, a course, a free course also for like starting to parent your emotionally intense kids more easily, like the first steps, um, a bit like I was talking, like finding those triggers and things like that.

So, if, uh, if your listeners want more information, they can. You can get that on my website, both the podcast and the main website. Excellent.

Yeah. We’ll, we’ll, we’ll put the links for all of that in the show notes too, so that they can find that. Um, what other, so, so tell me just a little bit about what you’re doing on the podcast and on the website too. And if there’s any special projects that you have going on right now,

Um, the podcast is a new podcast that started early January, not July, sorry. So, it’s just started. Um, right now I’m doing silhouette episode talking about. Lots of things that we touched on today and different things too. Um, I’m planning to get guests, um, in the fall, um, probably, and hopefully I’m going to have you on.

I’d love to come.

Um, I will also, uh, like right now I’ll do mostly one on one support. Um, but I’m going to launch a membership, um, probably November. Uh, to support people in the group setting because I really love, uh, supporting people in a group. And I think a big part because that is kind of a shame.

People don’t talk about and don’t have other parents to relate to, but there’s lots of other parents out there that live, are living through that. So, I think it’s very important that we. We realize we’re not alone, so I want to do that in a group setting, and I’m planning a summit in, um, but not really, that is, I’m not, not quite sure of the format yet, probably a retreat or something online for parents of emotionally intense kids to both do self-care because it’s really important and also find ways to like clues in detective works.

Nice. Nice. Well, that, that all sounds really exciting. So, we’ll, again, if you’re listening, check, check the show notes or the description in the video, um, for her links and check out what she’s doing. Um, she, she does some great posts on Instagram and on her website as well.

So, so you want to plug into all that and be sure to listen to her podcast too. So, Anouk, thank you for spending some time today talking about this. I think it’s a great topic for us to bring in and to bring to light because as you say, a lot of parents aren’t feeling like they have support out there, they’re by themselves and there’s a whole, there’s a whole world of people out there that understand exactly what they’re going through.

So, thank you for joining me and for sharing this with us.

Thank you for having me. It was a pleasure to talk to you and get to know you better.

LrP6LZHvIn2Xft83qyKc

The post Episode #80: Parenting Emotionally Intense Kids appeared first on Water Prairie.