WBS News Radio

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Anchor: A different kind of expedited shipping. This is WBS News Radio, and it’s 4:51. E-Commerce giant Amazon announced Tuesday that it was offering employees in favor of forming a union same-day delivery of busted kneecaps, as well as other perks. A spokesman for Amazon explained.

Spokesman: We at Amazon value every one of our employees, including those considering forming or joining a union. In fact, we value such employees so much that we’re offering them expedited shipping of all beat-downs, same-day delivery of busted kneecaps and the lowest prices anywhere on a nice, long rest with the fishes.

Anchor: The spokesman conceded that Amazon has a reputation as being anti-union, but said that label is completely unwarranted.

Spokesman: We’ve always treated our employees who might choose to unionize with respect. Oh, wait, I forgot. There haven’t been any of those. I wonder why that is.

Anchor: The spokesman went on to say that anyone found leading a union-forming push at any Amazon facility might find a genuine horse’s head has been delivered right to their bed, free of charge. This is WBS News Radio.

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Anchor: Senators mill about. This is WBS News Radio, and it’s 12:26. The U.S. Senate narrowly approved a new rule Thursday known as the “millibuster,” which enables Senators to walk around the Senate chamber aimlessly, without a clear purpose. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell spoke in favor of the measure to implement the rule prior to the Senate vote.

McConnell: This rule is in keeping with the finest traditions of the United States Senate’s tendency to see its members mill about, traipse around, aimlessly wander. We cannot sacrifice these hallowed traditions simply because the Democrats in power want to do away with them as a means to achieving their own ends -- namely that of sitting down.

Anchor: The motion to institute the millibuster rule passed with just two Democratic votes, that of moderates Kyrsten Sinema of Arizona and Joe Manchin of West Virginia. Following the vote, McConnell took to the floor again to thank the two Democrats.

McConnell: I want to thank Senators Manchin and Sinema specifically, as they had the fortitude and the strength of their convictions to support this rule and uphold the great history of meandering that exists in this chamber, thus proving the era of bipartisanship is not in fact over, and we can work together. I plan to mosey on over to their side of the aisle, twiddle my thumbs a bit and eventually get around to thanking them personally later on today. But first I ask unanimous consent to allot 20 minutes of time to mill about, beginning now.

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Anchor: Delayed delivery. This is WBS News Radio, and it’s 1:18. Postmaster General Louis DeJoy delivered himself to a House Oversight Committee hearing several days late Wednesday, arriving this morning instead of last Friday, the day he was originally scheduled to appear. DeJoy apologized for the delay.

DeJoy: I apologize to the committee. / I sent myself here Thursday afternoon, fully expecting to arrive Friday morning, as scheduled. However, I was for some reason re-routed to Poughkeepsie, New York, where I spent several days, before finally being sent out again Monday afternoon. I’m not sure what the issue was, but you can rest assured I will be investigating.

Anchor: DeJoy went on to say he had intended to present several documents to the committee.

DeJoy: However, I put them in the mail several days before my scheduled appearance here, and they have not yet arrived.

Anchor: Once the hearing began in earnest, all of DeJoy’s answers were delayed several hours in getting to the committee. This is WBS News Radio.

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Anchor: A reeling industry makes a desperate plea. This is WBS News Radio, and it’s 8:14. The nation’s largest head lice union, representing an industry especially hard-hit by the Covid-19 pandemic, urged government officials to open up the country’s elementary schools as soon as possible Friday. A union spokeslouse told reporters that the situation is dire industry-wide.

Spokeslouse: Many groups have had a tough time during this pandemic. But few have had it tougher than America’s head lice. It is not an exaggeration to say we are in a life-or-death situation. Without children to host and spread us, we are dying in huge numbers, and are nearing the point of being wiped out completely. I myself am only here because I recently found a large group of idiot families in Arizona who let their kids play together in spite of the pandemic. Others I’ve known have not been so lucky. We mourn them all.

Anchor: The spokeslouse went on to say that what the head lice industry needs more than anything is kids gathering in close proximity to one another.

Spokeslouse: We need elementary school-age children back in school, in large groups, braiding each other’s hair, sitting together too closely, generally having heads come in contact with other heads. We need this now, or too few of us will get to enjoy a long, full 30-day life as nature intended.

Anchor: The spokeslouse concluded by driving home his point about the urgency of getting kids back into schools.

Spokeslouse: Governors, mayors, school district leaders, we urge you to get these kids back in school as soon as possible. Without your children, we risk complete and utter annihilation.

Anchor: This is WBS News Radio.

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Anchor: Punishment for Pence? This is WBS News Radio, and it’s 8:13. The Indiana Republican Party voted unanimously Tuesday to censure former Vice President Mike Pence for not allowing himself to be assassinated during the attack on the Capitol January 6th. Arnold Thatchgood, state GOP chairman, explained.

Thatchgood: We in the Indiana Republican Party object in the strongest possible terms to then-Vice President Pence’s betrayal of President Trump and his 74 million voters. By escaping from the Senate chamber as the attackers were on their way, instead of staying and allowing himself to be murdered, Vice President Pence effectively allowed the fraudulent electoral count to be completed. This, in a word, is unforgivable.

Anchor: Thatchgood went on to say that Pence was wrong to value his own life more than President Trump’s electoral fate.

Thatchgood: To think you are more important than the outcome of the presidential election of this country is the height of arrogance. No one’s life matters more than that of President Trump. I would give my life right now, if he asked me to. I’m hoping he’s not listening to this and doesn’t, in fact, do that, but nevertheless...

Anchor: Thatchgood concluded by asserting that, had he been in Pence’s position and had betrayed former president Trump, he would have done the honorable thing and taken his own life.

Thatchgood: Like a dishonored soldier, I would have fallen on my sword. Now, I probably wouldn’t have had a sword, being the vice president. But as we Indiana Republicans say, there is always a solution, if one looks hard enough. In this case, I would have simply borrowed a spear from that guy with the horns.

Anchor: This is WBS News Radio.

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Anchor: A novel argument. This is WBS News Radio, and it’s 1:46. Attorneys for former President Trump argued Friday that his alleged incitement of insurrection wasn’t as severe as it was being made out to be by Democratic impeachment managers because several of the senators who were at risk of being killed in the January 6th attack on the Capitol are very old and will be dead soon anyway. Attorney Michael van der Veen spearheaded the defense’s case.

Van der Veen: Many of the senators who were at risk that day are very, very old. Senator Leahy, for example, all due respect, but you’re ancient. And Senator Feinstein, I was under the impression you were already dead.

Anchor: Van der Veen went on to explain that the fact that so many senators are elderly means that it wouldn’t have been as tragic had they been killed in the attack.

Van der Veen: I mean, let’s be honest, it would be sad, but it’s not like it would be some huge tragedy. I mean, Senator Grassley, how old are you, 90? How long do you really think you have left? We’re talking about a couple of years, at most.

Anchor: Van der Veen concluded by pointing out that it would have been a heroic death had the senators in question been killed while defending the Capitol.

Van der Veen: Senators, I respectfully ask, how would you rather go out? Fighting a mob of insurrectionists, defending your sacred place of work, this symbol of Democracy and the American way, or drooling into your oatmeal, incontinent and unable to wipe your own ass? I mean, I think the choice is obvious, and I think, that being the case, President Trump nearly did you a huge favor by inciting that crowd to murderous violence. The real tragedy, perhaps, is that they did not succeed.

Anchor: This is WBS News Radio.

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Anchor: A cruel reminder. This is WBS News Radio, and it’s 5:53. Following the second day of former President Trump’s second impeachment trial, many are wondering if the impeachment managers went too far, after they showed a graphic video reminding viewers that Donald Trump was recently President of the United States. Don Charmin, an impeachment viewer from Tampa, Florida, says the video was unnecessary.

Viewer: I didn’t need to see that. Nobody needed to see that. We were all there. We saw it. We lived through it. We certainly don’t need to be reminded of it.

Anchor: Charmin said that, at the very least the impeachment managers could have given a warning prior to the playing of the video, so that he could have taken his grandchildren out of the room.

Viewer: My two little grandkids were watching with me, and then, boom! A video showing Trump as president. You can’t just show something like that without warning the people at home first. I had to hurry the kids out of the room. One was screaming. The other, the youngest, was crying her eyes out. I mean, c’mon. Have some common sense.

Anchor: And this just in to WBS. In other impeachment news, former President Trump’s attorneys argued Wednesday that his alleged incitement of insurrection isn’t as severe as it is being made out to be because several of the senators who might have been killed in the attack on the Capitol are very old and will die soon anyway. This is WBS News Radio.

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Anchor: Dobbs out, disclaimer in. This is WBS News Radio, and it’s 10:27. Fox News Media announced Monday that it would be replacing the Fox Business Network’s top-rated “Lou Dobbs Tonight” program with a 60-minute legal disclaimer. A spokesman for Fox News Media explained the move.

Spox: This exciting new primetime program “Legal Disclaimer Tonight” will be chock-full of information… about how neither the Smartmatic company nor Dominion Voting Systems engaged in any illegal or unethical behavior in relation to the 2020 election. The show will not have a host, but will highlight with scrolling text the fact that no evidence of vote-rigging, vote-changing or any other malfeasance related to the election, on the part of the two aforementioned companies, has been verified by Fox News.

Anchor: The spokesman attempted to explain at length that many of the claims made by guests of Fox News programs and even some of the network’s hosts are not, in fact, true. But he soon became exhausted.

Spox: Dominion Voting Systems is not owned by, was not started by and has no relation whatsoever to Hugo Chavez. The Smartmatic company was not even contracted for work in any of the 2020 swing states. George Soros has nothing to do with either Dominion Voting Systems or Smartmatic. You know what, let’s just make this simple -- basically, anything Sidney Powell and/or Rudy Giuliani said on our air is complete bullshit.

Anchor: The spokesman concluded by noting that replacing Dobbs, a ten-year veteran of the network, will not be easy.

Spox: We know Lou leaves big shoes to fill, but we at Fox can think of no better way to honor his journalistic reputation than by airing televised legalese.

Anchor: This is WBS News Radio.

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Anchor: A new Trump attorney gets acclimated. This is WBS News Radio, and it’s 4:24.

Bruce Castor, one of former President Trump’s new impeachment attorneys, says he just assumed the team was planning to plead guilty to the single charge of inciting an insurrection ahead of next week’s Senate impeachment trial.

Castor: I mean, that’s what I thought we were doing. Is that wrong? Could somebody tell me?

Anchor: Castor, a former prosecutor, was brought on this week, along with fellow attorney David Schoen, after five of the former president’s previous lawyers quit the team last week. And now he has some catching up to do.

Castor: It’s an impeachment, right? That’s the thing? Okay, that shouldn’t be too bad. Let’s see here, “incitement of insurrection.” Ooh, that sounds bad.

Anchor: Castor started getting down to work.

Castor: Okay, so first thing to do is plead not guilty, right? So let’s get going on that. Um, how do you spell “plead?”

Anchor: Soon, Castor was face-to-face with the daunting task of mounting a defense for a former president who was captured on every television station in the country appearing to promote violence at the Capitol building.

Castor: Here’s what I’m thinking: We plead insanity across the board. What do you think?

Anchor: This is WBS News Radio.

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Anchor: Some conspiracies are better than others. This is WBS News Radio, and it’s 5:05.

House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy handed Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene a list, late Wednesday, of conspiracy theories approved by the Republican Party. According a spokesman for McCarthy, even without espousing conspiracies related to the QAnon movement, there are still plenty of great choices to be had.

Spox: He basically told her that she doesn’t have to mess with QAnon, when we have so many great homegrown choices ourselves. / You got the whole election being stolen, which gives you a ton of options, from Dominion voting machines to ballots being dumped in rivers or whichever body of water best suits your taste, to voter fraud in minority-heavy cities -- in fact, anything with racist dog whistles attached is a home run.

Anchor: The spokesman said that even outside of the election and its associated conspiracies, there are plenty of others to choose from.

Spox: You got some great new ones like Biden-Ukraine and masks don’t work. The classics -- vaccines cause autism, Obama wasn’t born in this country, climate change is a hoax -- and then the whole Russiagate scandal is really rich and full of potential. And of course, the oldie but goodie, the Clintons are criminals, and you are certainly free to insinuate on top of that that they’re murderers. / Leader McCarthy told her she could get a lot of mileage out of any or all of these, to try mixing and matching, see which ones felt the best.

Anchor: Asked how she responded to McCarthy’s advice, Greene said she was receptive but was unsure how much she could trust him since he’s an alien lizard being. This is WBS News Radio.