What Drives You?

Angst - what is it and how does it feel in our bodies? I bet you can relate to my description and experience!

How can we notice our angst and give ourselves the soothing and compassion that we need? I will share my 4 A's that you can start using right now and at any time to help yourself feel more grounded and peaceful when you feel "stirred up." And it only takes a few moments!

As we are able to give ourselves compassion and grace, we can then extend them to others. We can be part of the solution and give from a place of overflow what the world needs now.

Season 2 of "What Drives You?" will continue our journey of exploring who we are today through the lens of our "family car." This season I'll be doing some solo episodes and I'll be joined by some amazing guests. I know you'll relate to their stories, find inspiration from their courage, and gain clarity from their lessons learned. Hope you'll join us!

I begin by sharing what this season of high holidays means to me and to my family. I hope that hearing my story grounds you in the meaning of this season.


How are these special days different for you now than in the past? Armed guards in our synagogues, families kept apart because of COVID, and political unrest that causes friction at our tables—these are challenges that affect us all during these difficult times.

Keep walking! I have some encouraging words that will empower you to embrace this season with mindfulness, peace, and courage regardless of the challenges you may be facing.

Ellen and Tolly are joined by Ellen's husband, Paul Chute. Paul is a veteran with PTSD, a social worker, and a loving "grump grump" to his grandkids. Paul shares candidly about the trauma and neglect of his childhood and how that drove him to create new "cars" throughout his life that would fill in the gaps where his family of origin left him lacking. These new "cars" provided the support he needed in each stage of life.

Paul shares the details of his early childhood, always sitting in the "way back" of his family's station wagon, and how that dynamic of being alone and forgotten manifested in everyday life.

Ellen and Paul discuss how his family of origin car disintegrated and the resulting feelings of lostness he felt throughout his childhood.

Paul's story of joining the military and excelling as a pararescueman brings to light how he built a new car and support system for himself in the military. He also discusses PTSD and his ongoing healing journey.

We hear a relatable experience from Paul's current season of life—one of being "between cars." Paul vulnerably discusses feeling lost after retiring. Tolly shares a gem of wisdom about the perils of finding our worth in our work, and Ellen helps Paul reframe his current experience. Through this conversation, we see the importance of creating new cars of support in each season of life and how these cars can give us the courage we need to face our fears and thrive once again.

Through stories created through a composite of real-life scenarios, Ellen shares three examples of how her client's childhood cars have dramatically affected their adult relationships. (All names have been changed.)

First, Ellen and Tolly discuss "Todd's" experience growing up in a chaotic car and how that experience led him to create a very different car when he married and had children. We hear how the coping mechanisms he learned to get his needs met in his childhood continued to manifest in his marriage and relationships and how his new "controlled car" ended in tragedy. Ellen shares how she's been able to work with Todd to heal, beginning with his family of origin wounds and unmet needs.

Next, Ellen shares about "Leslie," her experience growing up in a perfect car, and the painful struggles she endured trying to live up to perfection. We learn about how this drive for perfection trickled down to Leslie's children and how it continues to manifest as anxiety in Leslie's life. Ellen talks about how she is able to support Leslie through therapy to help her give herself permission to be imperfect and to take good care of herself.

Finally, Tolly and Ellen discuss a "real car" experience through the story of "Jeff and Lisa." We hear about the messiness, trials, and fulfillment of family life in a real car. Ellen shares how even though the real car is a healthy, supportive environment, family members can still find themselves in need of extra support and encouragement when the trials of life become discouraging.

The car metaphor truly comes to life through these stories, so join us on our journey!

Ellen and Paul have an authentic and relatable conversation about how we can feel triggered and regress into old patterns when we spend time with our family of origin—when we are in our old family car.

Paul shares how he tends to regress to thinking and behaving like "the baby" of the family when he is around his brothers. It's a great example of how our programming stays with us throughout our lives.

Ellen explains how our body's response to the old family car dynamics is visceral; our bodies respond before our minds can process what we are thinking or feeling. She shares a simple, practical way that we can ground ourselves in the present moment and remind ourselves that we are safe.

Ellen and Paul discuss how the pandemic has affected our experience of the holidays and our family gatherings along with the idea of creating new rituals while honoring those we have lost.

This episode is full of relatable experiences and practical tools and tips to help us have a joyous holiday season!

Ellen and Tolly welcome a very special guest, Bethany Taylor. Bethany is Tolly’s wife and a social worker. Bethany brings her experiences from her family of origin to the discussion, bringing the car illustration to life in new ways!

Beth’s experiences in her family cars include navigating life after divorce during childhood and learning to get her needs met in her various family dynamics.

Through Bethany’s story, we hear how one family car can embody all four types of family cars—Perfect, Controlled, Chaotic, and Real—and how family car dynamics can shift through these different states under various circumstances and stressors.

Ellen, Tolly, and Bethany discuss Attachment Theory and how our early experiences of being tended to and nurtured affect us throughout our lives.

We hear a real-life example from Beth’s story about how children learn to navigate multiple family cars after a divorce.

In this episode, Ellen and Tolly explore the 4 types of family cars along with the relational dynamics within each environment. The 4 types of cars discussed are:

1. Chaotic
2. Controlled
3. Perfect
4. Real

For each type of family car, Ellen shares what the experience is within that car structure, especially for the children. She also discusses factors that can predict and contribute to the formation of each type of car. She offers practical solutions for the unique challenges within these family cars and the challenges family members face when attempting to implement solutions. 

Ellen and Tolly share real-life, personal stories and examples that bring these 4 types of cars to life.

From her decades of experience as a family therapist, Ellen sheds light on how these 4 types of family of origin dynamics affect us in our adult lives—how we recreate or rebel against them.

Finally, Ellen reminds us of the benefits of understanding these 4 types of cars and the family dynamics they represent—with new awareness, we have a new understanding and choices for how we navigate the road ahead.

Who were you in your family car…the smart one, the athlete, the baby, the lazy one?

In this episode, Ellen shares the example of the family car dynamic that she and her ex-husband created together with their kids. Through her personal story, we can see how we create new car dynamics in our adult lives in response to our experiences in our family car growing up.

Ellen shares a vulnerable moment she shared with her adult daughter just a few years ago—a teachable moment that can help us become aware that each family member is truly having their own unique experience within our family car—and it may not be what we think!

Through Ellen and Tolly's personal examples, the rules of our family cars and the roles of each passenger become clear. We begin to see how these rules and roles influence our relationships throughout our lives. You are guaranteed to find glimpses of yourself, your parents, and your siblings in this episode!

Connect with Ellen:
Website: https://www.ellenychute.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ellenychute (@ellenychute)
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ellenychuteauthor

In this inaugural episode of What Drives You? we are introduced to the metaphor of the "family car." Ellen explains how this metaphor helps us understand our family dynamics and how they affect us throughout our lives.

Ellen describes her physical family car and the dynamic she experienced as an only child left to herself in the back seat. As she explains who sat in the literal driver's seat and who acted as the "back seat driver," we come to see how these relational patterns extended beyond her family's physical car to the metaphorical car of their daily interactions.

Tolly shares his experience of reverting to old patterns of behavior and communication when he goes home for a visit. This leads to an exploration of how we will find ourselves in various "cars" throughout our lives—with friends, with our partner and children, revisiting our family of origin car from time to time—and to the question, "How can we function in various "cars" throughout our lives in a healthy way?"

Finally, Tolly and Ellen share a preview of what's to come in future conversations. Join us on our road trip to discover more about What Drives You!

Connect with Ellen:
Website: https://www.ellenychute.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ellenychute (@ellenychute)
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ellenychuteauthor