What You Need to Know with Geoff Plitt

In Facebook news, Mark Zuckerberg posted a cringey video of himself foil surfing while holding an American flag. Hey at least it's better than his old hobby: foiling democracy.

Facebook is testing prompts that ask users if they're worried a friend is "becoming an extremist". The way it works is, if you select "yes", that friend will be all you ever see on your feed. And does extreme sports count as extremism?  'Cause I know a guy.

In Donald Trump news, Junior may have accidentally ruined his dad's defense strategy in the New York tax fraud case by posting a 13 minute video admitting Trump personally paid for Weisselberg’s grandkids’ school. Oh, I'm getting an update: the 11-year-old grand-kid has just graduated from 6th grade and is now a professor at Trump University.

Check this out. A rare copy of the Declaration of Independence found in someone's attic has sold for $4.4M. "Sweet! I finally have all the clues I need to solve the riddle of the Freemasons", said Nicolas Cage.

Finally, move over, QAnon, there's a new crazy conspiracy theory in town. A group of wackos in Missouri held a huge rally to spread their belief that "birds aren't real". Apparently they stick to the absurd belief that all birds are government-controlled drone fakes. Hey nutjobs, I got one for ya. Is this bird real?

In Florida, a woman named Booze crashed into a Taco Bell sign while driving drunk. She was sentenced to 30 days in jail and has to legally change her name to "Sobriety".

Here's something scary. A group of researchers is calling for regulations on "dream advertising", warning that your Alexa device may soon be used to play ads while you sleep. Hey Alexa... why do I have a craving for Burger King's new hand-breaded chicken sandwich? -"Sweet dreams, Geoff".

In space news, scientists have identified 29 exoplanets that are close enough for aliens to observe Earth if they wanted to. Hey aliens, if you're spying on me right now...please don't tell anyone what I do between 11pm and midnight. That's "Geoff time"!

Finally, in Japan, an emergency crew of rescue divers rushed to save a naked "drowning woman", only to discover it was actually a floating sex doll. Just to be safe, they still gave it mouth to mouth.

In Marvel's Avengers news, the director behind the new "Loki" series has confirmed that the god of mischief is bisexual. I guess that explains why I caught him checking out my Asgard! Asked how he feels after experimenting with the same sex, Loki said "thor".

Did you guys catch this? Britney Spears is finally opening up in court about the awful details of her conservatorship, including that her father forced her to wear an IUD, wouldn't let her get married, and made her perform while running a 102° fever. Hey Britney, at least you have a dad who cares about you. Must be nice! But I can sympathize. My conservators force me to tell hilarious jokes on camera every day for you guys Save me!

In Rome, Pope Francis had an unusual encounter at his weekly audience meeting: Spider Man. Apparently Spidey loves the Pope's motto for the Church - with great power comes zero responsibility.

Finally, according to a new interview, Kim Kardashian says she "probably" would not have been as successful without her sex tape. I just have one word to say: "probably"? In a related story, Charles Barkley says he probably wouldn't have been as successful without basketball. Listen Kim, if you really want to take your success to the next level, you could always do a sex tape... with me! Call me!

Check this out. According to a new book, President Trump asked his DOJ to make Saturday Night Live stop teasing him. They ignored him of course, but you know, it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling to know that on some level, Pete Davidson is more powerful than Bill Barr.

In Kamala news, now that Vice President Harris has visited El Paso, right-wingers have predictably switched from "Why won't she visit the border" to "How dare she visit the border". Right on schedule. Meanwhile, Taco Bell fans are asking "Why won't she make a run for the border?"

Quick QAnon update: the conspiracy-theory is now spreading like wildfire in California's yoga community. And they've got a great pitch: "Hey, do you like stretching? Try stretching the truth!".

Finally, in New York, due to his bogus election fraud lies, Rudy Giuliani has been suspended from practicing law. Wow, if all that was practice, I'd hate to see him do the real thing.

In ice cream news, the CEO of Dippin' Dots has been sued by his ex-girlfriend over alleged revenge porn. I'm shocked! The CEO of Dippin' Dots had a girlfriend? My sources say the most embarrassing part of the video is that she's eating Häagen-Dazs.

Did you guys catch this? A petition with thousands of signatures is demanding that Jeff Bezos not be allowed to return back to earth from his trip to space. Oh, I'm getting an update: 100% of the signatures are from his ex-wife.

In India, the man with the "world's largest family", who had 39 wives, has died. Fun fact: due to his inheritance being spread very thin amongst so many heirs, his will is legally referred to as a "won't".

Finally, a groom on TikTok has gone viral for checking his phone while his wife was walking down the aisle because, quote, "crypto never sleeps". I have feeling when they finally finished their vows, instead of saying "I do", he said "STONKS!"

Listen up, HBO Max customers: thousands of viewers, myself included, received a strange email with subject line "Integration Test #1", causing the company to issue an apology, saying "Yes, it was the intern". At first I thought "well they should fire that kid", but then I realized, I'm kind of looking forward to the Integration Test season finale. Oh I'm getting an update: they're about to punish the intern, let's cut to the live feed.

In Supermodel news, Emily Ratajkowski is being "mom shamed" by the internet over the way she held her baby in a holiday photo, which some say is "child abuse". And yet nobody is talking about how she refuses to return my DMs, which is a clear case of "Geoff abuse".

Listen up, collectors! Actress and model Cara 'Delevingne is auctioning off an NFT about her vagina. It's appropriate because NFTs are very similar to lady parts, in that I don't really have any clue how either of them work.

Finally, bad news, Bruce Springsteen fans: if you want to see the Boss on Broadway this season, you'll need to be vaccinated, and the AstraZeneca vaccine doesn't qualify. When fans complained, Bruce said "Sorry, we're only honoring vaccines that were BORN IN THE USA". When asked how many doses of the vaccine you should get, Bruce said, "1, 2, 3, 4!"

Trump has announced he's writing a memoir, which he says will be "the book of all books". Ah, the books of all books written by the crook of all crooks. It'll be the first presidential memoir where the administration's accomplishments fit in a single footnote. Perfect book to pass the time while you're in prison for insurrection.

Quick QAnon update. The latest conspiracy theory is they think there's a secret meaning behind the death of President Biden's dog champ. I did some digging and found that apparently Champ was a secret member of a Trumpy cult for dogs called Q-ute Anon.

In Congress news, a new bill was passed making Juneteenth an official federal holiday. Fun fact: if it falls on the last day of the week, they call it "Black Friday"!

In China, the hugely popular WeChat app has instituted a new rule: while recording a video, you are forbidden from picking your nose. I guess it's just like Confucius said: You can pick your nose, and you can pick your apps, but you can't pick your nose on an app.

Finally, Kim Jong Un is looking much thinner these days, causing speculation about his health. Yeah, they weren't kidding when they said North Korea was running out of food. You're skin and bones, Kimmy!

In Donald Trump news, the former president says he will be reinstated as president by August. That'll be an interesting inaugural address. Not the speech-- the physical address--which will either be Leavenworth or Folsom prison.

In Oklahoma, a highway was just named after Trump. If you want to know the exact location, it's the only patch of highway where all the cars drive in the far right lane.

Did you guys catch this? John Hinckley Jr, the man who shot and almost killed President Reagan, has rebranded himself as a singer-songwriter and started a YouTube channel for his love songs. I wish him well. I just hope the ultra sensitive cancel culture Social justice warriors don’t dig something objectionable up from his past.

Bonus Story! In Florida, two children aged 12 and 14 stole AK-47s and went on a shooting rampage against the police. An official said they were still the best behaved teens in Florida that day.

In space news, Japan is planning to send a "transforming robot" to the Moon in 2022. Apparently the robot's primary mission will be TO FIND THE ALL SPARK!

This is cool. NASA's rover on Mars has successfully split CO2 to make breathable air using an instrument called "Moxie". Now there's a rover with verve... panache... chutzpah even. But moxie? That's a stretch. And I expected more from you, NASA.

In case you missed it last week, a "super blood moon" lit up skies around the world. You could tell it was a super blood moon because the moon was especially cranky and irritable.

In Elon Musk news, Tesla has switched on interior cabin cameras in certain models to spy on drivers while using Autopilot. Not to make sure they're paying attention, just to make sure facial expression is at "peak smugness" at all times.

Here's something scary. A new report says US soldiers accidentally exposed nuclear weapons secrets by using flashcard apps while studying. That's outrageous! That could be... that could be... oh yeah-- very dangerous for national security!

In Trump crime family news, the indictment is moving forward with a grand jury. When Trump heard that he said "That's right, it's the grandest, hugest, most beautiful jury in the history of juries."

Quick QAnon update: the latest conspiracy theory is that UFO footage seen in the news lately is fake, and meant to distract us from voter fraud. So let me get this straight, they think UFOs are fake? They've gone so down the rabbit hole of conspiracies, they're back to... the truth?

In old white guy news, Trump and Newt Gingrich are working on MAGA-based "contract with America". Right…. because if there's anything Trump's known for it's honoring contracts. Oh I've got some breaking news: the entire document is just the sentence "If you agree to vote for us, we agree to destroy America."

Here's something that shouldn't surprise you. Kim Kardashian, who had been studying to be a lawyer, has failed a preliminary bar exam, but plans to try again. Apparently there weren't many questions on plastic surgery and sex tape law, which is really her forte.

Check this out. Researchers at Duke University have created a "smart toilet" that takes photos of your poop before flushing and contacts your doctor if it detects a problem. And if there isn't a problem, it sends them to your ex.

Finally, in breakfast news, Kellogg’s has released a new LGBT cereal  called "Together with Pride" with room for kids to write their pronouns on the box. It's ironic because if there's one thing nobody has ever felt when eating a bowl of Fruit Loops or Frosted Flakes, it's pride.