Where Do We Grow from Here?

In this episode of Where Do We Grow From Here?, I sit down with therapist Jeff Allen, LMFT, for a thoughtful conversation about sex, shame, attachment, compulsive sexual behavior, and our deep need for connection.

Jeff works with individuals and couples navigating out-of-control sexual behavior, betrayal, and the difficult road toward healing. We talk about why he prefers the language of “out-of-control sexual behavior” to “sex addiction,” what may be happening underneath compulsive behavior, and why simply trying harder to stop is often not enough.

We also explore the complicated intersection of faith and sexuality, the role shame can play in keeping people stuck, and what recovery and restored connection can actually look like for individuals and couples.

Ultimately, this conversation isn't only about sex. It's about something most of us can recognize: the things we reach for when we don't want to feel what we're feeling.

Maybe the question isn't only, “How do I stop this behavior?”

Maybe it's also, “What is this behavior trying to do for me?”

And one question to carry with you after the episode:

What do you reach for when you don't want to feel what you're feeling, and what might you actually be needing in that moment?

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This episode is the practical guide. Bucky walks through what to actually say (and the well-meaning phrases to drop), why saying the person's name is a gift instead of a wound, what to do with silence, and why "let me know if you need anything" quietly puts the work back on the person least able to carry it. Plus the two ideas that change how you show up: grief doesn't move in a straight line, and the "anniversary reaction",  why the calendar in your body remembers what your mind forgets, and why the text you send three months later matters more than anything you did that first week.

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Trust rarely breaks in one dramatic moment. More often it erodes quietly through missed bids for connection, promises that don't match actions, and emotional absence during the seasons that needed presence most. If you and your partner have drifted into that "thin air" where it's suddenly hard to breathe, this episode is for you.

Drawing on years of clinical work with couples, this episode breaks down why trust cracks and offers a practical, five-step path to rebuilding it: naming the disconnection honestly, offering consistent repair, matching words with actions, allowing space for grief, and creating small rituals of reconnection.

You'll walk away with one concrete invitation for the week, a single ritual and a micro-action that tells your partner, "I'm here. You can count on me." Because trust isn't rebuilt through grand gestures or theory. It's rebuilt in real life, one choice at a time.

And here's the hopeful part: trust that's been fractured and repaired often comes back stronger than trust that was never tested.

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Sex is everywhere in our culture, and almost nowhere in our actual conversations in relationships. In this episode, couples therapist Bucky Bateman explores why so many partners never talk openly about sex, where sexual shame comes from, and what that silence is quietly costing your relationship.

If physical intimacy feels easier to avoid than discuss, this episode is for you. Bucky offers honest, practical guidance on how to begin breaking the silence, starting with the stories you inherited and taking small, courageous steps toward actually talking about it with your partner.

Because silence protects shame. But words, spoken honestly and received with grace, open the door to deeper connection.

Topics: sexual shame in marriage, couples communication about sex, intimacy in marriage, how to talk about sex with your partner, couples therapy San Diego, marriage and physical intimacy, LMFT, faith and sexuality

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The biggest threat to most marriages isn't a dramatic blow-up or a single betrayal, it's the slow accumulation of small moments that go unnoticed and unappreciated. In this episode, Bucky Bateman explores the invisible work of relationships: the everyday acts of patience, attunement, and emotional regulation that quietly hold love together over time.

Drawing on attachment theory and his clinical experience with couples, Bucky makes the case that it's the small things; the turning toward, the repair attempts, the moments of genuine presence, that determine whether a relationship thrives or slowly fades. If you've ever wondered whether the effort you're putting in actually matters, this episode will remind you: it does, and it's the foundation everything else is built on.

Topics: daily habits in marriage, relationship maintenance, emotional attunement, small acts of love, marriage tips, couples connection, long term relationship advice, emotional regulation in relationships

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All couples argue. The question isn't whether you'll have conflict it's whether your conflict will bring you closer or drive you further apart. In this episode of the Couples Connection Series, Bucky Bateman unpacks why conflict is not only inevitable in close relationships but necessary for growth and exactly what separates couples who fight well from those who don't.

Bucky covers the most damaging patterns couples fall into during arguments (many of them familiar from Gottman research), what healthy conflict actually looks like, and the specific skills that help couples move through disagreement without leaving lasting damage. If your arguments tend to escalate, go circular, or end in one of you shutting down, this episode was made for you.

Conflict doesn't have to mean disconnection. With the right tools, it can become one of the most powerful paths to deeper intimacy.

Topics: how to fight fair in marriage, couples conflict resolution, arguing in relationships, healthy conflict in marriage, marriage communication, Gottman method, couples therapy tips, conflict and intimacy

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Emotional safety has become one of the most talked-about concepts in modern relationships but what if the way we're using it is actually making things worse? In this episode of the Couples Connection Series, Bucky Bateman challenges the popular idea that you need to feel completely safe before you can be vulnerable, honest, or connected.

Drawing on his clinical experience as a couples therapist, Bucky explores where this idea came from, why no relationship is ever completely risk-free, and how waiting for perfect emotional safety can quietly block the very behaviors that build trust. You'll learn why real intimacy is forged through rupture and repair, not the absence of risk, and how emotional resilience, not emotional safety, is the actual goal.

This episode reframes one of the most common sticking points in couples therapy and offers a more honest, effective path forward.

Topics: emotional safety in relationships, emotional intimacy, vulnerability in marriage, couples therapy concepts, relationship growth, emotional connection, marriage communication, couples counseling

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You can love someone deeply and still feel like strangers. Emotional distance in marriage is one of the most common and most misunderstood relationship problems couples face. In this first episode of the Couples Connection Series, Bucky Bateman breaks down the invisible drift that slowly disconnects even the most committed couples over time.

Bucky explains the three biggest drivers of emotional distance, why they're so easy to miss until the gap feels unbridgeable, and three practical steps couples can start using today to close that gap and rebuild real connection. This episode is a reset, a reminder that emotional disconnection isn't the end of the story, and that small, intentional changes can shift everything.

Whether you're in crisis or just feeling like something's been missing, this episode will help you understand what's happening and what to do about it.

Topics: emotional distance in marriage, why couples drift apart, emotionally disconnected marriage, couples communication, emotional intimacy, marriage help podcast, couples therapy San Diego, reconnecting with your spouse

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Divorce is hard for everyone, but there's a particular kind of pain that comes when you didn't want it and couldn't stop it. In this episode, Bucky sits down with India Kern, a divorce recovery coach and author who knows that pain firsthand and has built a life's work around helping others walk through it.

India shares her personal story of navigating an unwanted divorce, the role faith played in her healing, and the practical wisdom she's gathered from years of walking alongside others in the same place. This is an honest, hopeful conversation about loss, identity, and what it takes to build something new on the other side.

If you're walking through divorce, or helping someone who is, India's story and insights will give you both comfort and direction.

Topics: unwanted divorce, divorce recovery, divorce and faith, starting over after divorce, Christian divorce recovery, surviving divorce, healing after divorce, divorce coach podcast

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What does it look like for a man to face serious hardship and come out the other side with his faith and identity intact, maybe even stronger? In this episode, Bucky sits down with Boogie Rose for a wide-ranging conversation about resilience, faith, and what it actually takes to rebuild when life knocks you down.

Boogie's story is the kind that reminds you that where you end up doesn't have to be determined by what you've been through. This conversation covers the mindset shifts, the faith moments, and the hard choices that define a man's character when things get difficult.

For any man navigating a hard chapter or anyone who wants to be ready when one comes,  this episode is worth your time.

Topics: men's mental health podcast, faith and resilience, Christian men podcast, overcoming adversity, rebuilding your life, faith through hardship, men and faith, resilience stories

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