Leather-bound Phantom of the Mope-era wages an android war against bat-shit crazy Space Bezos

* * *

Doc and Peri have arrived on Androzani Minor but, as they’re about a billion years too late for the tide, they’ll have to put any seaside plans on hold for now. A bit of bants and investigation on the surface quickly lead the TARDIS duo into the titular caves of that there Androzani. No need to bring a basket or a chequered cloth though, as we learn it’s going to be no picnic down there, what with human factions at war with each other and a dragon-like creature happily munching on anyone who fails to outrun its stumpy legs.

Why would the humans be waging war near a dragon, I hear you ask? For spectrox, of course! Space guano that can be turned into the elixir of life. The raw stuff’s a bit nasty though, so one side has been using androids to gather it for processing. Unfortunately, Doc and Peri accidentally touched a load of it before anyone told them not to, and, well, now they’re slowly dying. Oops. And if that wasn’t enough to deal with, we also have the Phantom of the Opera and Eldon Tyrell waiting in the wings to ruin everyone’s fun.

A beautiful episode, in which Racist Danny Zuko plots to disrupt the US civil rights movement in possibly the most convoluted way imaginable

* * *

The TARDIS steadfastly refuses to land in Sheffield before the Thirteenth Doctor’s investigated a mysterious artron energy trace popping up where it shouldn’t in 1955, Montgomery, Alabama, Deep South, USA. Oddly, quiet, dignified seamstress Rosa Parks is at the heart of the anomaly.

Seems a Stormcage alumnus has made it his mission to sneak back in time and salt the earth before the Civil Rights Movement can flower. With a mere nudge able to knock history forever off course, can Doc and the fam get their new friend Rosa arrested without Ryan getting lynched?

Meanwhile, way out in the lonely gulf of space between Mars and Jupiter, a 2.2-mile-long asteroid spins unseen through the void. In 2010 it’s discovered and given a number, Asteroid 284496, but no name. Then it’s named after Rosa Parks. This means nothing. It floats ever on. The end.

A companion switch, far too many people in shorts, and the Brotherhood of Sarn

* * *

The cast of Monty Python’s Life of Brian seem to be shacked up with Laurence of Arabia on a desert planet called Sarn. Being the backwater world that Classic Who likes to frequent, Sarn of course has an elder / soothsayer, a chosen one sporting a fancy 3D tattoo, and some heretics who refuse to worship the fire god, Logar.

At the not-same time and not-same place, an artefact with a symbol matching the chosen one’s tattoo is discovered by Indiana Jones wannabes in modern day Lanzarote. And look who’s tagging along to their archaeological expedition, why it’s none other than future companion Peri, who’s a bit bored and longing to travel. Oh, what’s that you say? The TARDIS is about to appear and whisk her away on an adventure. Spiffing!

Smokey and The Bandit introduce The Doctor and her companions to the Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World of rubbish snipers and sentient offcuts

* * *

Having teleported herself and her new chums into the depths of space, The Thirteenth Doctor must surely think the Gumball Rally’s over and lost. As luck would have it, though, they Cannonball Run right into Smokey and The Bandit, the last two participants of an interstellar treasure hunt.

It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World, think Yaz, Ryan and Graham, but this isn’t the slow lane, no, siree Bob, this is the Speed Zone, and best do whatever she says because what is she again? Gallifreyan? Sure, sounds like an Amazing Race.

They soon learn that at the finishing line awaits the TARDIS, so now they must battle rubbish snipers and sentient offcuts to reach it, because then, and only then, Doc will be able to bring her new companions back home. — Really? If we get there, you can bring us back höme? — Yes, Yaz, that’s literally exactly what we just said.

Dalek helmets, Time Corridon'ts and about fifty different plots coalesce in this terrible/wonderful companion exit serial

* * *

The Fifth Doctor, Tegan, Turlough and still no Kamelion get themselves stuck in a Time Corridor and shunted to the 1980s London South Bank, where strange things are afoot, but where they’ll barely spend any time at all, because space is more exciting and this serial is brimming with badass sets just itching to be used. Seemingly normal human policemen are shooting space-age cowards and innocent loiterers on smoke breaks, and soon their paths and the TARDIS Team’s will cross. Separated from one another, each one of them will embark on some of the darkest, most violent adventures to date, with lasers, Dalek helmets and over — and under — acting a plenty.

How about a bit of context, hmm? Following a casualty-heavy war with sexy disco droids, the Movellans, the Daleks have all but been eradicated by bio weapons. Only one hope for their survival remains, namely, to rescue Davros, who has been cryogenically frozen for 90 years, and ask him kindly to engineer a cure for them. And while they’re at it, they plot to kidnap The Doctor, duplicate him and his companions, and send them to Gallifrey to assassinate the members of the High Council. Pretty ambitious stuff. So why the Time Corridor? And why 1980s London? Good questions.

The Sixth Doctor and Peri head to Baltimore to attend a funeral, indulge in breathing exercises and potentially save mankind in the process.

* * *

Randomly stumbling upon a news piece on the untimely demise of a long-lost loved-one, Perpugilliam “Peri” Brown, whose introduction to the Whoniverse was utterly spoiled in this audiobook, compels The Sixth Doctor to take her back to 1984’s Baltimore, where no one speaks with an authentic accent and the locals are gradually being Body-Snatcher’ed by some malevolent alien force.

Peri’s family isn’t too fond to have her back, nor are her so-called friends whose social calendars can surely only suffer from her sudden return. Oh, if only Peri could impress them by knowing everything about aliens and helping to save the day! But not so fast, Buster, because first she has to assume nothing spacey-wacey is afoot so the Doctor’s alien-I-mean-clearly-American coat can naturally blend into the surroundings.

A brand new Doctor, show runner and aesthetic, no TARDIS, different music. Oh, and new troops. No, not troops. Team. Gang. Fam? Either way, it’s a solid start for the Thirteenth Doctor.

* * *

Dyspraxic wannabe mechanic Ryan Sinclair crosses paths with one of his old schoolmates, underused probationary copper Yasmin Khan, after he high-fives the wrong electronic consent form crackling threateningly away underneath his local bike-eating tree in the Peak District.

Meanwhile, Ryan’s ex-nurse nan Grace and ex-bus driver but still cheeky geezer not granddad Graham have their TMI PDA train ride interrupted by a technologized version of the scribble from Fear Her, which implants DNA bombs in everyone’s neck. Should have read the Ts & Cs, Ryan.

One such neck belongs to the Thirteenth Doctor, no longer a white-haired Scot but a kick-ass Yorkshire lass who can’t remember what a tongue is but knows she always helps those in bother. Now this embryonic fam must unite to foil Tim Shaw, knobbly-headed Stenza knobhead.

By the way, did you know that we’ve reviewed this episode once before on Who Back When? Well, we have! Check out our (at the time) instant reaction review in our bonus episode: B049 The Jodie Whittaker Debut

Terrific story arcs and eyebrows to knock your spatiotemporal socks off. We discuss Peter Capaldi’s run as The Twelfth Doctor

* * *

That’s it. We’ve reviewed every single episode with the Twelfth Doctor, and holy moly if this doesn’t mark the end of an era in so many ways. The last of Capaldi’s Doc (at least so far), and the last of his gorgeous TARDIS, those companions, that opening theme, that show runner (!), yada yada. The list goes on, of course.

Join us for a chilled yet increasingly libatious chat about the Timelord, the myth, the legend, Peter Capaldi, and about the series that comprised his time on the show, as we ponder, among so many other things:

• The highs and lows in terms of episodes, companions, aliens and adversaries
• If and when Clara ever took responsibility for PTSD’ing the crap out of her boyfriend
• And whether you can judge the greatness of Capaldi by the length of his hair.

Farewell, Capaldi. You'll be greatly missed.

Doc discovers a grave situation below the surface, Tegan is a defective android and Turlough exhibits some OTT PTSD. It’s great!

* * *

The Fifth Doctor and companions Tegan, Turlough and Kamelion — JK, Kamelion’s just a figment of your imagination — are traveling in the TARDIS when some wibbly-wobblies take them to the far edge of spacetime, outside of Timelord jurisdiction even, and deposit them on the planet Frontios, one of the last human colonies in existence. After a decade on the planet, the human settlers are being bombarded by meteors and have imposed martial law to protect their waning society from what they perceive as interplanetary war.

That’s just surface-level madness, though, of course, and far more insanity can be found by anyone who dares dig a little deeper. Taken for an alien infiltrator, the Doctor evades execution by offering his services as sleuth, medic and diplomat to get to the bottom of it all. And thus armed with only their wits, ancient race memory and a hatstand, Team TARDIS must save the last of mankind in order to save themselves. But don’t mention it to anyone!

Glass Avatars from the future don’t care about Data Privacy Agreements while the first and then-latest Doctor do Timelord Kegels to keep their respective regeneration at bay

* * *

Still doing his Timelord Kegels, The Twelfth Doctor is adamant he’ll hold back his regeneration mid-stream for at least one more episode. In fact, he’s contemplating never regenerating again. Stumbling out onto the Antarctic snow while no one’s watching, just for drama, he encounters not-William-Hartnell, aka the other curmudgeonly grey-haired Doctor we know and love, himself also picturing Rassilon on a rainy day.

And Mark Gatiss as well, of course, because this is the end of the Doctor Who era in which you couldn’t swing a cat out of its timeline a split-second before it dies without hitting Mark Gatiss. It appears someone has frozen time and caused some sort of IT error that has placed all of it in jeopardy. Bill also happens to be there, trying to prove to Twelve she’s the real deal, as transparently as possible.

Glass avatars from the distant future, you see, freeze time whenever literally any person anywhere is about to die, and in blatant disregard of GDPR regulations grab a copy of them to store in some sort of columbarium. And that’s actually a decent blurb to encapsulate this, the very last episode featuring Peter Capaldi as the Twelfth Doctor. So… BSCOW and Twelfth Doctor over.

WHOA! This is the second time we're reviewing this episode on Who Back When. Yep, totes, yup, that's right, if you haven't already, do have a listen to the instant(ish) reaction review that Leon recorded with Flapjack shortly after this episode aired as well, for a fully rounded experience: B041 Twice Upon A Time – The 2017 Christmas Special