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Most people would regard communication as the key element of a strong relationship. Couples who start with couples therapy often say in their first session that they think they need to improve their communication skills. They believe that more talking or different ways of talking will address and improve the difficulties in their relationship.

And they are right, of course. However, before any communication can take place both partners will need to have a certain willingness to talk to each other. They need to want to connect. Listen to today's episode to find out how to create more connection.

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  • Learn to understand what goes on for you internally. 
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      • Learn to gain insight into your partner's state of mind. 
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          • Know what to do when you don't feel connected at all, e.g. when you are angry.
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              • Learn how your parent's ability to read your mind influenced your attachment style. 
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                  • Learn why openness and curiosity toward your partner are crucial. 

                    Connection can take place in many ways, for example by doing fun activities together or by giving each other a hug. Another key component that creates connection in our relationships is our capacity to 'mentalise'. Mentalising is the ability to 'read' or understand the state of mind of another person as well as your own.  If you can reflect on the reasons why you or the other person may be thinking or feeling in a particular way you have a better understanding of certain behaviours and may be more accepting, forgiving and ultimately understanding.
                    
                    Our parents' capacity to mentalise will influence our adult attachment style.
                    
                    If you can mentalise well you can create more connection with your partner. You can think about your thinking. You have more capacity to regulate strong 'negative'  emotional reactions and you can come to a better understanding of what makes your partner the react the way that they do.
                    
                    Connection requires a certain amount of willingness, openness and curiosity. I need to want to understand what my partner is experiencing and why.  This is the point where communication is key: I need to check whether my understanding of what my partner thinks or feels is right. I may think that I know but my mentalising may have been on the wrong track and may require clarification.
                    
                    For more information on improving your relationship or starting a new relationship head over to The Relationship Maze website.
                    
                    Get additional show notes on our podcast website here.

                    Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
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                    Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.
                    
                    Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.