-I’d like to have a conversation with the person who decided that, “Hey you guys know lobsters? Wouldn’t it be funny if we made them the most expensive item on the menu and as a fun little bonus, you’ll also have to do manual labor the entire meal if you want to eat it?” No other food requires that level of effort. Meals shouldn’t come with their own tool. Pretty much all other foods, you either eat with your hands, a spoon, a fork and knife. Those are the basics. But then for a lobster they bring out this metal cracker and they’re like “Yeah you will need this if you want to eat any food tonight.” Like that kind of feels like maybe it’s your job. All you did was take a lobster, plop in a pot of water, and then throw it on a plate and charge me 60 bucks for it. I shouldn't have calluses on my hand after eating a meal that expensive.

-It’s weird how vegans are so concerned about the environment and protecting the Earth, but then they just fucking devour plants. Last time I checked, plants are living creatures that are part of the ecosystem. But you have no problem shoving kale down your throat. The reason I actually do eat meat is because I care so much about the environment that I know if we all ate plants as much as vegans do, we’d destroy the whole planet. So next time you eat a steak, tell a vegan “You’re welcome.”

-One difference between us and our parents' generation is that my mom knows the country that every uber driver she’s ever had is from. The other day she just casually dropped to me, “Yeah I had a really nice Uber driver from Sudan the other day.” And I couldn’t comprehend how she could possibly gather that information from the typical Uber small talk of “Hi how are you” and “Thanks, have a good one.” But I think she treats Uber drivers like a word at a spelling bee, “Can I get a country of origin please?”

-Anytime there’s a really long and specific true or false question, I just assume it’s true because I’ll think to myself “Wow, that’s so detailed. There's no way they can make all that up.” That’s actually why I believe in God. Because The Bible is like the ultimate true or false question. I haven’t read it all, but they got a lot of shit in there. A lot of stories, a lot of details. A guy walking on water and turning water to wine? Your wildest imagination couldn’t make that shit up so fuck it, he's probably real and shit.

-I was in a gift shop the other day and saw this 50 MILLION year old fossil for $12. And that seemed like the bargain of the century. I don’t know much about fossils, but if you asked me 11 minutes before that, “How much does a 50 million year old fossil cost?” I would’ve guessed it’s locked away in a museum for 10 million dollars. Nope. 12 bucks at a Montauk souvenir store. And to boot, I think it has healing powers because I put it on the other day and my pounding headache instantly went away. Now I did also take Excedrin a little bit before that, but I’m instead gonna choose to believe that I have a magic necklace.