-When someone asks me how I’m doing and I reply “Good how are you?” and they say “Great” to one up me, it makes me want to punch them in the throat.

-This is by far the most sick and deranged thing I do. When I get out of an Uber, I’ll intentionally close the door too softly so it’s not all the way shut first. Then I give it a second and go back to properly reshut it. I just feel like it makes me look more thoughtful and courteous, and the driver will think like “wow he took the time to make sure it was properly closed” and he will in turn like me more and give me a good rating. I am not a well person.

-I was recently outside a CVS and a girl stopped me to ask if I could donate money to her anti-bullying campaign and I said no. I’m against bullying, don’t get wrong. But it just doesn’t feel like giving that girl 10 bucks is going to solve the problem at all. What are we going to pay these little shits to stop bullying kids? It just doesn’t seem like an issue that can be solved with money.

-I spend an unhealthy amount of time thinking about when I’m supposed to hit someone with a “what floor?” when I’m on an elevator. Is it the responsibility of the first person to ask others and hit it for them? If someone’s hands are full, sure, I'll ask them. But usually I just hit my button and stand to the side so everyone else can hit their own button.

-I’m so sick of hearing about Norway, Sweden, Finland, and Denmark all the time. I feel like every time a new study comes out - smartest people, happiest lives, quality of life, etc. they’re always at the top of the list and I just don’t buy it. They gotta be fudging the numbers or something. What does Finland have that America doesn’t? I think we should start a war and destroy them all.