Since the outcome of last week’s general election, a hideous surge of hate crimes, racist rhetoric, and bullying has overtaken the nation. Swastikas glare from college dormitory doors. The Muslim community is threatened with unspeakable violence. And the Ku Klux Klan, gleeful in the wake of Trump’s win, is organizing rallies. But—ahem—if I may have the attention of any and all racist misogynist cretins reading this? Donald Trump would like you to knock it off, please.

As the world crumbles around us, the gossip machine keeps sputtering and turning. Here’s a fun little tidbit of information about Ryan Phillippe, a man I have not thought about in quite some time–people often mistake his 17-year old daughter Ava for his freakin’ sister. Surprise: she hates it.

Glennon Doyle Melton, Christian blogger and author of bestselling books like the recent Oprah’s Book Club selection Love Warrior, “felt like the world could use all the love it can get” on Sunday night, so she decided to publicly announce a recent development in her romantic life. Three months after divorcing her husband Craig, Melton is dating soccer star Abby Wambach.

A particularly profane source from Team Angelina Jolie has begun spreading the rumor that Brad Pitt has no chance at getting joint custody (which he filed for on Friday) of the Jolie-Pitt children until he “gets his shit together.” Our Angelina sources say she ultimately wants the family repaired so she and Brad can resume a “normal” parenting regime, but until then she will fight hard for sole physical custody.

Trumps success with white voters, and especially with white women, has left many white Hillary Clinton supporters reeling. On Thursday night, Late Night’s Amber Ruffin emerged from the writers’ room to help those confused white people through an experience she’s been living her whole life. After taking the guest seat, Ruffin says, “I have a special message to all of the white Hillary supporters who are feeling disappointed in their fellow Americans today.

This morning I woke up and opened my eyes and it was still true—Donald Trump will be the 45th president of the United States. And then I realized there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.

It’s 3:15 on election day, and Fox News is going in hard on the biggest story of the day—Shep Smith’s Chapstick. The hosts have totally lost it, and it’s the best election coverage on air, bar none. Like most political journalists waiting for the polls to close, Smith and co-anchor Chris Wallace were running out of things to talk about—they were yammering on about which candidate they would rather be at 3 p.m. in Nevada, when Smith dropped his Chapstick on the floor.

One month after the robbery in Paris that (rightfully) shook her to her very core, Kim Kardashian reappeared on social media only to disappear again a few hours later. On Monday night Kim posted a picture to Facebook of herself casually reading your tweets while using a Lumee phone case, followed by two links to her app promoting a throwback Halloween costume post on Kourtney’s app and a post written by her faithful assistant Steph about Halloween costume ideas.

Last night I was sitting in bed, exhausted and sick, when I decided to yell questions at Siri about Barbara Bush’s height. I had recently read a report on Jezebel.com about Siri claiming Barbara Bush is just four feet tall, and I wanted to try it for myself. None of my coworkers believe me, but what happened next was really weird. “Siri,” I shouted into my phone, because I never got the hang of talking to a phone like it’s a person.

Hillary Clinton brought out the big guns during her rally in Cleveland on Friday night, with Beyoncé, Jay Z and Chance the Rapper all showing up to implore the good people of Ohio to not fuck this thing up. “Beyoncé & Jay Z & Hillary & You?,” the caption says, but the subtext is clear. “Don’t you want to be with the cool kids, over at Club Pantsuit?” it whispers. “Everyone is here.