This episode kicks off where episode 3 left off. My good friend Rich Schnell is back to talk about the inspiration to the first track of my album "Come Home Mr. Martinez." This was in all respects a true introduction. In the same way a literary introduction captures all the main elements of the entire work the first track captures all the album's particular themes. Below is a line by line analysis to help you understand.
"How did I get here
Years of recovery and psychoanalysis Have me questioning
If the cost was even worth it
for years of introspection and I still feel worthless
Not void of value just worth less than what I sell myself for on any given day."
(Personal and inherent value is a constant struggle of mine. through the metaphor of buying and selling goods I express my perceived value and anchor the theme in word "worth." Explaining how my constant failure even in recovery leads me to question my value as well as the value of the Journey I'm on.)
"I mean, have job security If you want to call it that
A wife and what many call financial freedom
I wouldn't call it that"
(Although I am at a place in my life where things circumstantially seem to be looking up I feel emotionally stuck and so I minimize my perceived success. The emphasis on personal pronouns is also a purposeful element inspired by recovery. I use the medium of music the same way I use my support group.)
"And I've realized that‘s freedom is a word loosely used
But I've recognized true freedom is a Freedom to
And not a freedom from
Wait, Hold up
That sounds like Birthing a Vision, Ya'll remember that
That my life is still marked by Succeeding
I knew that then but never resolved to find the answer why"
(This whole section is a tie-in to my first mixtape "The Birth of a Vision." I had another spoken word piece entitled "Success" and also a song called "Freedom." In "Success" I say, "my life is marked by succeeding." I am essentially reinforcing my dismal feelings about the current place I am in both internally and externally.)
"Why do I long for a vision of success
A striving to be great at the cost of constantly being
Reminded of how barren I am
My soul is yearning for the promise a Not my purpose
The work of God , not the work of John
The Isaac and not the Ishmael"
(Constantly being roped into this ambition to be great the more I try the more incapable I feel. It is much like Abraham and Sarah's struggling with "The Promise." Their promise from God was that He would make them a great nation. They forced their will by Sarah making Abraham sleep with their maidservant and birthing Ishmael who was not the promised heir. In time God blessed Them with a seed Isaac. I am longing for my seed of greatness to be birthed.)
"I feel like I'm searching for Something I've never known
And is alien to my conditioning
I'm searching for a safe a place where I belong
A place where I can be myself Without regard for how
I'll be received, a place where
I'm not plagued by the compulsion to achieve
A place where I am accepted, validated, free
A place where I don't have to do
A place where I can just be
I just want a safe place
A place where I belong and I can
Just be me
A place where I'm accepted and free
No value from do's and don'ts
A place I can
Just be"
(Essentially my search for greatness is alien to me as Abraham and Sarah were aliens in a foreign land. The same way they sought for refuge, my soul longs for refuge. A refuge not plagued by compulsions and ungodly ambition or the incessant desire to codependently be something the world around me tells me I should be. A refuge void of performance and full of inherent exis
