In a move that surprised absolutely no one, WWE held a "Raw on Netflix Kickoff" event today at their headquarters, because apparently just being on the biggest streaming platform in the world wasn't enough self-congratulation for one day. The event, streamed on YouTube (because irony is dead), featured the usual suspects patting themselves on the back for the groundbreaking achievement of... well, getting a TV deal.
Triple H, clad in his finest "I'm the cool exec now" attire, kicked things off by reminding everyone that the "Triple H Era" is "your era," in case you forgot who to thank for this momentous occasion. He spouted the usual buzzwords: "global appeal," "sustainable," "future is incredibly bright," before promising "biggest stars," "biggest storylines," and things "fans have never seen before." Because clearly, the past few decades of wrestling have been a complete snoozefest.
In a shocking twist that absolutely no one saw coming, Logan Paul was announced as the newest member of the Raw roster. Paul, never one to miss an opportunity to remind everyone how awesome he is, declared WWE his "playground" and promised to become World Heavyweight Champion. Because apparently, boxing, YouTube, and energy drinks weren't enough to conquer.
Liv Morgan, flanked by her entourage of Raquel Rodriguez and Dominik Mysterio (because apparently, WWE still thinks this is a compelling storyline), was gifted a title match against Rhea Ripley on the Netflix debut. Ripley, who seems to be the only one with a shred of self-awareness, just smiled and vowed to take the title.
Meanwhile, Kevin Owens, proving that even tuxedo t-shirts can't make him look like he belongs in a corporate setting, crashed the party and complained about not being invited. The Bloodline, because no WWE event is complete without them, showed up to remind everyone that they're still a thing, and Paul Heyman did his best to make a Tribal Combat match sound like the most important thing in the history of ever.
Gunther, who apparently flew in at the last minute because someone remembered he's the actual World Heavyweight Champion, showed up to scoff at Logan Paul's championship aspirations. And finally, CM Punk, in a suit that probably cost more than my car, reminisced about the good old days of Saturday Night's Main Event and traded barbs with Seth Rollins, because apparently, their feud is still a thing too.
In conclusion, the "Raw on Netflix Kickoff" was exactly what you'd expect: a lot of hype, a lot of self-promotion, and a lot of reminders that WWE is now on Netflix. Because apparently, we needed an entire event to tell us that.
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