You Deserve Medals

There are very few things in life that Jay and I love more than a good space movie. And while we would both trade everything we have for an hour of wife and child-free peace, sitting back and viewing an incredibly well-written, visually stunning, and powerfully inspiring space movie runs a very close second. 

Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a copy of Howard the Duck, but Apollo 13 was a decent backup.

Apollo 13 was one of the few horrible hiccups in NASA’s moon program, and it would be easy to key in on the things that went wrong. However, this movie does something that very few films can accomplish successfully - it provides competency over abundance. Thousands of people, each the absolute best and brightest in their area, working together with extreme dedication, calm, and brilliance to bring three men home from certain doom. There is nothing better than the best acting like the best, and the fact that everything in this movie actually happened lifts our dark spirits in a way we never thought possible.

We don’t use the word masterpiece very often, but everything in this movie - the casting, acting, writing, directing - all contribute to one of the best movies ever made. If billionaires buying social media companies and Russia threatening nuclear war are getting you down, this movie is like a healing elixir, reminding you of a time when humanity achieved the impossible, just because they wanted to. 

Now if you’ll excuse us, we have to go get severe joint injuries just from waking up in the morning.

You can be forgiven for forgetting about Starman, an early 80’s science fiction romance that came out in the same year as such obscure indie films as Ghostbusters, The Karate Kid, Gremlins, Beverly Hills Cop, The Terminator, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Conan, The Last Starfighter…Can we please travel back in time to 1984? We digress - Starman wasn’t a flashy popcorn blockbuster. It didn’t have crazy action sequences, outrageous special effects, or big budgets with bigger production values behind it. It was, however, a movie with a lot of heart, with shockingly good acting and writing that grabs onto your feels like two daughters you have to pretend to love until they're both 18.  

If you can get over yet another sci-fi lead actress with a hideous chin-bum-thing, you’ll find an extremely well written and acted story that truly does the “visitor from another world” trope justice. Characters learn and grow, their attitudes and relationships mature in a natural and believable way, and it transitions seamlessly from a compelling science fiction film into a love story easy to invest in. A grieving widow meets a stranded alien who looks like her dead husband, gradually falls in love with him, and helps him find his way home. It sounds simple - because it is - but the most beautiful things in our lives tend to be the simplest ones.

Seriously, though…Benny has an unnerving reaction to people with those chin-bum things. He needs help.

Ahhh…another turn of the decade sci-fi classic, featuring an indifferent and poorly conceived modern day Earthling protagonist with flowing locks, thrust into the far future to embark on a space battle for freedom, while having to choose between an attractive but boring romantic interest or an absolute sultry smokeshow of a romantic interest. Is this a horrible run-on sentence? Absolutely. But one thing it is not is describing Buck Rogers. This time, it’s Flash Gordon - the star Quarterback who ends up helping winged barbarians fight an Asian-themed villain, while an evil princess - who is clearly the superior romantic option - ends up with a classically trained Shakespearean actor in green tights.

We really, truly want to say that this is one of those examples of “so bad it’s good”, but the least thing we want to do is turn this podcast into a house of terrible lies. We aren’t fun-killers and we can appreciate a cheesy flick for the entertainment value it provides, and Flash certainly has its moments; the opening comic book scrawl is fantastic, Omella Muti makes us want to travel back in time, and Timothy Dalton acts the absolute #$%! out of his role. But everything else is just a jumble of horrible writing, horrible acting, and so many plot holes that you’ll pop a truck tire driving over them. If you’re keen on a SUPER 70’s/80’s feeling film that will absolutely never make you have to use your brain whatsoever, then strap in and blast off to absolute apathy and regret!

Flash…saviour of the universe and king of the impossible indeed.

Once in a while, things that embody chaos, disappointment, and confusion end up sinking their greasy claws into our hearts and hold on throughout our lives with the tenacity of a rabid bulldog. For Jay, it’s the overwhelming adoration for wearing animal onesies while sipping homemade Shirley Temples. For Benny, it’s the demon spawn his DNA belched into this world. Yet both of us share a mutual example of this - a timeless tale of random delinquents who go on an outrageously dangerous and difficult journey to find a long-dead pirate’s treasure, and save their homes from purchase and destruction. No, this isn’t the latest NBC Survivor clone; it’s The Goonies, more popularly known as Thanos, Samwise, and a bunch of randos.

By all accounts, The Goonies just shouldn’t work. A ridiculous overarching plot? Check. Cartoonish villains? You betcha. An incredibly unrealistic series of tests and traps, the menace of which doesn’t fit the feel of the movie? Of course. A loveable and heartwarming special needs character with a horrific backstory? Bonus points. And yet, everything comes together in a classic that has staying power. Sure, a lot of the story is ridiculous, and boy did we poke holes in it, but it plays its heart out and reminds us all that movies used to be zany fun. Because goodness knows we need to be reminded of that these days.

Grab your kids, snuggle up with some popcorn, and have an absolute blast - watching Goonies with family makes it infinitely more enjoyable, and you’ll have a fantastic time. If you don’t end yourself from the incessant rambling chatter that permeates the entire run time.

New and old listeners alike can agree on one thing - Benny is not a smart man. He prefers fart jokes and explosions over deep and meaningful dialogue and themes. He makes detailed notes for every episode because he has the memory of a dead parakeet. He got married and had kids. All of the hallmarks of a functional idiot. So it shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone that he met Jay’s praise of Wrath of Khan with surprise, disbelief, and derision. It’s classic Trek, Benny said. It’s 60’s fashion and cheesy fight scenes, without a single awesome Picard monologue to be found. How could it possibly be as good as Jay built it up to be?

Well, much like when Jay told Benny not to rub his eyes after wiping post-poop, he was absolutely right in all the best ways.

Star Trek II - The Wrath of Khan - is every bit the masterpiece people have said it is. It isn’t just the best Trek movie ever made; it’s one of the best films we have ever seen. The quality is in every scene, every moment…from Kirk’s internal battle against the retirement-like oblivion of promotion, through characters like Chekov and Saavik experiencing equal growth and development, to the epically nuanced battle of wits between Khan and Kirk. Hell, even the horrific brain slug provided tension and nausea in equal measures.

On the off chance that you haven’t watched Wrath of Khan yet, listen to your nerd uncle or dork cousin. This movie isn't just an amazing sci-fi movie. It’s cinema at its absolute finest.

Shocking revelations come in all shapes and sizes. Did you know that Chris Evan’s wore a prosthetic jaw in Avengers in order to hide the beard he was growing for Snowpiercer? How about the fact that Stephen Hawking was the only person to ever play him or herself on a Star Trek episode? Or, when you first look into the eyes of your newborn baby, you don’t see the 18 years of emotional trauma you’ll suffer at their indifferent and ungrateful hands? Most shocking of all…You Deserve Medals has survived two full seasons, and Jay still talks to Benny despite all of the on-air belches, stories of childhood horror, and a drastically disproportionate workload! Huzzah!

Much like the end of Season 1, when we lamented about the state of another beloved franchise with “Star” in its name, this time we decided to cap off our second season with a discussion about all things Star Trek. And, much like that Season 1 end episode, we don’t have a ton of great things to say about the subject in question, where it is, or where it’s going. However, it gave us great movies like Wrath of Khan, fantastic characters like Picard (before he was completely destroyed by Kurtzman and Stewart), and our fond memories provide a warming security blanket against the uncomfortable chills of Discovery, Lower Decks, Picard, and whatever other garbage that Paramount decides to vomit onto the fetid corpse of what’s left of Trek.

You know…just in case you weren’t sure about how we felt.

So hug your replica phaser, say “engage” to your podcast app with the stoicism of a classically trained British actor, and join us on a Star Trek retrospective by two middle aged men who remember better days.

Nostalgia is a powerful force, and is a driving factor in our show. But when you reach our ages, very few movies actually MAKE you feel younger. Watching them doesn’t just trigger memories of your youth, but reminds you of how you FELT when you first saw them. When you could bend over and tie your shoe without throwing your shoulder out for a week. When time was an irrelevant currency simply because we had so much of it, and was always squandered on Super Nintendos and late night movie marathons. When you could wake up every morning energized and eager to face the world...instead of staring into a mirror while you watch what little of you remains drift away like a fart in the wind, as marriage and reproduction ravage your vitality.

This is one of those movies. It isn’t fantastic by any stretch of the imagination, and parts of it are downright ruined by poor editing choices (slow motion for the entire final battle? Really?). But when you take the hottest young male stars of the day, give them guns and horses, and tell them to chew tobacco and shoot people for two hours, you get a movie like Young Guns. If raging testosterone, outrageous sex appeal, and surprisingly decent acting all made a baby, you would get this movie. And even if you don’t end up liking it, you’re definitely going to feel like you did before you had to get a CPAP machine.

This movie doesn’t just remind you of the 80’s...you’ll feel it in your bones. Regulate, indeed.

The 80’s were just a different time, full of wonder and creativity. They were painted with the hope and anticipation of a bright future, while struggling with the specter of ever-impending nuclear apocalypse. This is the era that brought us Walkmans, ushered in the golden age of the video arcade, and put the movie theater in every living room with grainy VHS tapes. The likes of the DeLorean was matched with big hair, neon colours and even bigger personalities. Movies of all genres were breaking ground, and establishing high bars that even 21st century flicks have yet to meet. 

If there was ever a time in our history to combine teenage vampires with an oiled-up and shirtless mullet-wielding badass saxophone player who groin-pumped his way into our collective memories, 1987 was it.

The Lost Boys sounds like a ridiculous premise on paper, and there are many parts of the movie that go out of their way to support this thought. But make no mistake - this movie is the definitive vampire culture flick of our generation, and does so many things right that we can forgive the fact that it has not one, but two famous Corey’s in it. The story is campy yet easily digested, the characters refreshingly natural, and it strikes all the right chords when it comes to 80’s dark comedy/horror. And forget all of the modern attempts at depicting vampires as ancient warriors or civil war survivors...Kiefer Sutherland is THE movie vampire, and if this movie doesn’t convince you of that, then you are dead to us.

What do you think of when presented with a foreign population hastily integrated within America, forced to come to terms with its new environment, and productively contribute to its new society? A checkered past, shrouded in mystery, hiding a horrible narcotics addiction that once ravaged their population and threatens to do so again? Unheard of levels of violence and crime ripping through their population, shaking the very foundation of everything they’re trying to build in their new home? 

If your answer is anything but “why Jay and Benny, you are referring to the seminal 1988 classic Alien Nation, not to be confused with the visual horror show that was the 1989 TV series of the same name”, then shame on you, and you are everything wrong with society right now.

Join us as we open a true surprise bag of a film neither of us remembers, only to be greeted by a prize we never expected to be so good, so entertaining, and so well put together. Alien Nation combines excellent characters, a decent plot, and shockingly competent relationship development into a tight package of 80’s movie buddy cop deliciousness. However, once you see an alien crack open a cylinder of red drug slime and gargle it like an enraged zoo animal, you may protest our use of the word “delicious”.

Do you remember opening Christmas presents as a child, and every year you experienced that one trick gift? The one that looked like it should have been something else, but when you open it, you’re completely surprised by something entirely different? Well, call us Santa Claus, because we’ve given you a big shiny box labeled “Episode 12 - Heathers”, but we’ve filled it with almost 2 hours of deep philosophical discussions related to relationships, stereotypes, and other light and airy subjects. And is there really anything better than listening to two physically and emotionally broken men in their mid-40’s yammer on about deep topics in a semi-cheesy late 80’s movie for almost two hours?

A new entry to our list of phrases we never thought we would utter: Heather’s is another fan request. And boy howdy did it pretty much toss everything we expected right out the window along with our hopes, dreams, and life potential. Heathers is truly one of the most unique movies of modern cinema, ushering in grittier and more cynical 90’s flair while waving goodbye to the 80’s with complex ideas around popularity and suicide glorification. In between all of this is characters that have no business being as complex as they are, lines that shouldn’t be as eternally hilarious as they are, and Christian Slater channeling his inner Jack Nicholson as well as he did. This movie is weird yet entertaining, funny yet ominously dark, and absolutely worth a watch (or rewatch).

Based on feedback from one person, our episode write-ups will no longer feature key topics covered. We want our episodes to truly be a surprise, so that your absolute disappointment and rage can be maximized. And despite a deplorably wide chasm in terms of work and effort put into this show by Jay, Benny would love to do even less than he already is. So chug some mineral water, strip in the woods, and let Jay and Benny poison you into flavour country. Or something.