Our childhood memories are filled with images of all the toys we loved. From the glorious transforming of Optimus Prime to that first borderline-orgasmic sensation of getting our grubby little sausage fingers on the Millenium Falcon, nothing fills our minds with more joy than those plastic figures and vehicles. Masters of the Universe figures found their way into many a toy chest, ours being no exception. And between the cool and innovative characters and the psychedelic cartoon, we can honestly say that we went into this movie with hearts open and minds ready. If you loved the toys and cartoon like we did, and are thinking to yourself “I vaguely remember the live action movie, maybe I should watch it”...don’t.

Much like Benny’s love for his children, Masters of the Universe tries its best to be coherent and genuine, but ends up a fragmented and confusing dumpster fire. Is it a story about He-Man defeating Skeletor and saving Eternia, or is it a love story between a boy, a 50-year-old-looking Courtney Cox and a musical key? Are He-Man and Skeletor mortal enemies hell bent on mutual destruction, or does the evil bone wizard just want to chill for a while and watch a near-naked Russian man get whipped? Why is the main evil henchman, Karg, modelled after a preserved testicle? And why the hell is a cow hanging out in the middle of a forest? Who cares at this point. We need a drink.

Masters of the Universe is a prime example of nostalgia gone bad; it’s best left floating in the ether of our memories. It doesn’t get a medal - it face-planted on its way to barely receiving a participation ribbon.

Let’s just bite down on the stick of shame and slog through this fever dream of crap together. Some especially painful things we force ourselves to cover include:

For a movie entirely about He-Man, this movie has very little to do with He-Man

We understand creative license and blazing your own path, but did anyone involved in this movie actually...you know...watch the He-Man cartoon?

For such a little person, Billy Barty must have powerful shoulders because he is absolutely carrying this gong show - kicking and screaming - towards tolerability

Dolf Lungren; all of the sexy barbarian looks, none of the sexy barbarian machismo. He looks the part, but he can’t charisma his way out of a wet paper bag

For a movie that is supposed to be about a giant nearly-naked sword-wielding barbarian versus a creepy skeleton-wizard thing, they sure do love to focus the ENTIRE MOVIE on an 80’s stylized dimensional key that doubles as a Casio

Green screens are kind of expected for movies of the 80’s and 90’s, but Masters of the Universe revolutionized the art of having actors stay perfectly still in front of them, leading to some of the most ridiculously hilarious effects ever seen on film

Pro tip: If you’re a gym teacher, and you run into a small group of Eternia mercenaries, you are going to get your crap unnecessarily ruined 

Ah, the 80’s...when a police officer - without a warrant - can just force their way into your home, listen to your private phone conversations, and take your property while ashing a dirty dart all over your carpet

Many of us have experienced the sudden and tragic loss of something that started with such incredible promise and hope. A budding high school athletics career cut short by a horrible injury. A dream job shattered by a sudden dip in the economy. Pretty much any marriage post-1950. And this..."movie." Flight of the Navigator was a tale of two movies; A story that honestly started out as one of the best flicks we’ve seen in a very long time, and suddenly ran head-first into a cocaine-fuelled, Pee-Wee Herman inspired dumpster fire of gargantuan proportions. Seriously - you’ll quite literally feel the moment slap you in the face, leaving you as confused as our children are when they ask for affection, and are provided nothing but orders to fetch us beverages mixed with mild ridicule. One word, kids - Compliance!

Join us as we travel back in time to 1986, and revel in the sheer magnitude of a Disney movie broken in half. The moment Max turns into a parody and all hell breaks loose, you can actually hear our happiness and enthusiasm suddenly explode out as juicy chunks of sorrow. Like we simultaneously chanced a wet and aggressive fart - and lost bitterly.

Other mysteries include:

Can Benny ever get his crap together and use a half decent microphone and Internet connection? Short answer - no. Long answer - Noooooooo

There is absolutely nothing better than several minutes of cute dogs failing at things. If you disagree with this, we WILL throw hands

Throughout the movie, David progressively slips further into sociopathic verbal abuse. Don’t worry, Bruiser...I’ll teach you REAL hard

It’s 1986. It’s the height of the cold war, Tensions are high, and Nasa is apparently a branch of the military, complete with goons who live with families and fly unarmed civilian helicopters directly at alien spacecraft

It really says a lot about us that a teenaged Sarah Jessica Parker and a child-sized semi-autonomous robot are our favourite memories of this movie, along with a room filled to the brim with cool crap

Ah, Max. You started as an incredibly well conceived alien AI ship. All it took was a single download of David’s brain to turn you into a clown and RUIN THE REST OF THE MOVIE

Speaking of which, for a hyper-intelligent alien AI, Max seems to be pretty in the dark on things like “what is music”, “which way is north?” and “quick, fly this ship or I’ll let us crash and die!”

The massive single lidded eyeball alien on the ship is a hot, steaming cup of “No”

So sit down, relax, and watch the first 35-ish minutes of a masterpiece of a film. And then turn it off, burn whatever device you were using to watch it, and listen to us suffer through the rest of it. Because we love you, and that’s what friends do for friends.

Ah, 1979. On the cusp of a new decade filled with hope and excitement. A time of terrible fashion choices, rampant STI’s, and an aggressively deep chasm between legendary science fiction empires and...this. Buck Rogers is, well, technically a movie. A movie with characters, a sort-of plot, and an ending...and we’re being generous. Join Jay and Benny as they slog through this tortuous 90-minute sci-fi tour de force, trying to make sense of the absolute gong show on screen while praying for the sweet release of death.

Just like marriage, it helps if you go into this journey with zero expectations, and are ready to enjoy even less than you expected. I mean, watching this movie beats cleaning, working, or teaching your kids how to read or showing them any semblance of love and affection.

Funky topics we cover include:

How 70’s is this movie? It’s 70’s. Like, HARD 70’s. Did we mention it’s very 70’s?

Twiki and Dr. Theo being the single worst robot duo in sci-fi history. Creepy unblinking eyes and an incredibly thirsty speak and spell? Bedubedubedubedubedu no thank you

There are two different introductions you can do with a late 70’s science fiction movie. You can roll an epic storyline with fantastic and powerful orchestral majesty...or you can have women in bikinis writhing on a glowing floor while a Saturday morning special song plays in the background. Buck Rogers is not the former

“Hey, we’re being chased by violent cannibals hell bent on murdering us. Let’s make a detour to a cemetery so I can chill for a while and find personal closure”

Come for the convoluted evil plot to conquer Earth that makes absolutely no sense. Stay for Buck Rogers taking every opportunity to swing a tire iron at the kneecaps of any tension that builds

In 500 years, Earth has made incredible technological strides, balanced out by total collective idiocy and gullibility

Apparently, being sentenced to immediate termination means chill out for a while in a comfortable room, have a mid-level military officer arbitrarily postpone your sentence, and then be given free reign of an advanced military space fighter, because why not?

So sit back, relax, and laugh at our abject misery. Spoiler alert: Unless you have a nostalgia bug relentlessly gnawing at your ankles, you probably shouldn’t endure what we just did.

To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women. More than just the key opening for my wedding vows, Conan really got to the heart of what made all of us men tick. I mean, if overweight middle-aged dads with gaming PCs can't slay enemies and make women lament stuff, who can?

Conan the Barbarian is one of those rare 80's gems that really doesn't feel like an 80's movie. Sure, it has a few moments of "what the hell were they thinking", but it is a shockingly solid movie, and absolutely worth a watch if it's been ages since you've seen it last. And if you've never watched it before, please do - at the very least, it will inspire you to conquer your neighbourhood with a battleaxe.

Some of the things we waste an hour and a half talking about:

- James Earl Jones truly brings classical sophistication and a wicked crazy-person mullet to his role as the main baddie- Arnie says MAYBE 15 lines in the entire movie, but acts the part perfectly. This was one of the best "welcome to showbiz" castings in movie history, hands down- They really work overtime to sell the "life and war are brutal" aspects of this world- For a 1982 movie, this really feels like it could be a modern watch- Benny laughing hysterically as Jay discusses Conan's MMA-like ability to drop a camel, or to dismiss random women with a single, hilarious word

Remember the movie with the glaive? The circle with a whole bunch of blades on it that you throw and it cuts stuff? Yeah, that's about all we remember from this movie as well. As it turns out, this was just our brains' way of protecting us from extreme trauma. Willow and The Last Starfighter were "oh yeah, that's why I fondly remember" experiences...Krull is not one of them.

Hold our hands and offer us reassuring smiles as we subject ourselves to this two hour soul-crushing so that you don't have to. A space emperor/alien/monster comes to an iron age planet to marry a human woman, and is ultimately killed by the power of love, channeled through two people who quite literally just met and shoot fire from their love. Or something. I need a drink.

Special shout out to Jay, who did a wizardly job of editing this episode because Benny refuses to get his crap together and use a half-decent mic.

Saddle up, kids:

- A solid, actual 1/5th of this entire movie is spent in silent travel footage. Let that marinade in your brain for a little bit- Why are alien warriors - capable of extra-solar space travel and possessing laser weapons - engaging in sloppy medieval melee combat? And why do they turn into blood sperm when they die?- Jay is overwhelmed by the severely aggressive musical score- We almost forgot how nightmare fuel that Cyclops was- Liam Neeson admits to having 7-8 wives, and it's hilarious because reasons- The glaive is absolutely useless, as are the "special effects" throughout this horrible visual vomit- Honestly, we re-watched this like a week ago, and are back to remembering very little about it

Do you remember how Star Wars started an absolute tsunami of sci-fi and fantasy movies, all built on wobbly versions of the story-writing foundations pioneered by George Lucas' work? The Last Starfighter sits atop the throne for this, and is honestly one of our favourite childhood sci-fi romps despite it's massive laundry list of shortcomings and questionable directions. Join us as we explore a movie that started with big intentions, fizzled into almost two hours of "what the hell", and still remains beloved despite all of its genital warts. Bonus: Benny decides to enhance the podcast experience with a significantly worse microphone. Good times!

Some topics discussed:

- Several times throughout the movie, people are suddenly introduced to the fact that there are technologically advanced extra-terrestrial civilizations and they're all "yawn"- Alex's brother is a DICK- Between Beta units, alien assassins and face melting, this movie has some terrifyingly traumatic occurrences- The scepter blade is the most powerful superweapon ever made. Or something- The death blossom...we have some questions- What happened to this movie and its potential?

Ah, Willow. How could we not start this podcast by first visiting the movie that started us down this dark and twisted nostalgia journey? If the name of our podcast keyed you in to Willow, then you, too, deserve a big fat medal.

Join us as we revisit one of the classic movies that we remember loving as kids, but only have vague and hazy memories of. Does it still hold up over time? Should it be unceremoniously tossed into the burning dumpster fire of history? No one knows. What we DO know is that we will cover such hard-hitting topics as:

- Why Jay drools over matte paintings, as Benny goes over his chronological notes with zero mental stability- How the Willow's kids are jerks when they laugh at their dad for the failed pig trick- The absolutely horrible things they must have told Willow's daughter before shooting THAT scene. You know the one- One of the Brownie's is named Frenchie. With a French accent. We have questions- Val Kilmer was a beautiful, beautiful statue of a man- This movie manages to have some of the best, and some of the absolute worst, special effects we've ever seen- The weird dynamic between MadMartigan and Eric- How Fin Raziel is the absolute WORST at everything- And so much more!