You'll Only Listen Twice

Fellow listeners, the timeline has been reset to 0, and our hosts Jake, Troy, Jan, and good ol’ producer Paul are taking a look at the first proper reboot of the official James Bond series, Casino Royale.  Pierce Brosnan is out, and some blonde guy named Daniel Craig is in yet another adaption of Ian Fleming’s first novel. However, after two embarrassing strikes, they’ve finally cracked the code and made possibly the best James Bond movie ever, with some of the best writing in the series and one of the best love stories. Honestly, this episode might be our heroes’ most substantiive in the whole series because they actually provide character analysis, discuss themes, and other pretentious crap like that (and it’s not just Troy rambling about death and the hero’s journey). You know what? Screw this review. Don’t listen to this crap, just watch Casino Royale again. Seriously, the movie is a lot shorter than this episode. Ah what the hell, stay if you want to, but that’s nearly 3 hours that you’ll never get back, but at least you can hear these morons have a good in-depth discussion about a great movie.

Jake, Troy, Jan, and good ol’ producer Paul, along with Jake’s CGI brother, Andrew, are gonna break the cycle. They’re gonna shake up the system. They’re gonna destroy their ego. They’re gonna close their bodies now. Uh! Uh! That’s right, fellow listeners, this week’s review is Pierce Brosnan’s final and most divisive Bond film, Die Another Day! Is this movie really the worst Bond film ever made? Well, our heroes’ responses may shock you (with a Buzz Lightyear suit)! Step into the dream machine and listen to the boys discuss the film’s wacky tone, the CGI, the editing, the DNA replacement therapy, the Halle Berry, EVERYTHING!!! It’s time to face destiny! Sigmund Freud, analyze this… B*TCH!!!!

Just when you thought Christmas only comes once a year, Jake, Troy, Jan, and  good ol’ producer Paul are joined by Jan’s dead wife, Melissa, to talk about Pierce Brosnan’s third Bond outing, The World is Not Enough. Is it foolish sentiment? A family motto? Or just an alright movie from the director of The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader? Strap into your comfy jacket cocoon, fellow listeners, as our heroes get into it about the film’s action scenes, love story or “lackthereof,” and it’s Garbage theme song, which is actually a f******g bop. Not to mention, they answer the age old question: Is The Dark Knight Rises just a remake of this movie?  This episode is full of ghosts, goblins, and Rumpelstiltskin. Mamma Mia! Here we go again! 

Yesterday is a memory. Today is history. Tomorrow belongs to one man. BUT, riddle me this fellow listeners, what is today but yesterday’s tomorrow?  Well today, Jake, Troy, Jan, and  good ol’ producer Paul are talking about tomorrow, Tomorrow Never Dies that is…TODAY! That’s right, Pierce Brosnan’s criminally underrated (also prophetic) sophomore 007 film featuring Jonathan Pryce as one of the series’ best villains, Michelle Yeoh as one of the best Bond women, and of course, Vincent Schiavelli in one of the greatest bit parts in cinematic history. The boys also get into the film’s hellish production, helmed not by Martin Campbell, but the guy who made Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot. It’s an episode jammed packed episode with thrills, chills, and Ray Liotta. Let the mayhem begin!

It’s a new world, with new enemies and new threats, but you can still depend on one…PODCAST. Were you expecting something else? That’s right, fellow listeners, Jake, Troy, Jan and good ol’ producer Paul are talking about Pierce Brosnan’s triumphant debut as James Bond in 1995’s GoldenEye.  Is the film more than just the inspiration for that Nintendo game where you can shoot your friend in the dick with a golden gun? (The answer is yes.) Listen as the boys get into how Green Lantern director, Martin Campbell redifined the series for a new generation (for the first time). They also discuss the action scenes, the score, the gunbarrel, the Sean Bean, scatological symbolism, and of course, Famke Janssen’s unforgettable performance as Xenia Onatopp. Being children of the 90s, the boys are also dissecting the film’s place within 1990s pop culture, alongside titans like Dino Spumoni and the teaser trailer to 1993’s Tom and Jerry: The Movie. This is a big episode folks. Stay Onatopp of things by checking it out! For England, listeners? No, for Dino Spumoni.

This week we’re doing something different, fellow listers. We’re bringing you a bonus episode featuring the full uncut interview with Pedro Armendáriz. If you tuned in last week, you heard stories about his famous father, grandfather, and the Licence to Kill shoot, but this week, you get to hear some more stories about other productions Pedro has worked on like Predator and Troy (not our Troy), as well as more opinions on the James Bond series. So, tune in and have fun with our full conversation with Pedro Armendáriz.

The times they are a changin’, fellow listers. Jake, Troy, Jan and good ol’ producer Paul are waving goodbye to the Roger Moore era and saying hello to the long, storied tenure of the next James Bond actor, Timothy Dalton.  First on the list is his 1987 007 debut, The Living Daylights. A hard pivot from Moore’s light hearted, tongue and cheek take on the character, Dalton’s Bond is serious, intense, and more emotional. But is he too emotional? Find out as our heroes talk about his performance. Also on the docket is John Glen’s ever flexible directing style, John Barry’s final outing as composer, Maryam D’Abo as the lead Bond girl, Kara, Joe Don Baker and Jeroen Krabbé as the film’s double team villains, and, of course, …the Mujahideen?!? Without further ado, crank up the volume on your ghetto blaster and enjoy.

Get ready to dance into the fire fellow listers, because Jake, Troy, Jan, and good ol’ producer Paul are having a heated debate about the final and so-called worst Roger Moore James Bond film, A View to a Kill. How can a movie with Christopher Walken, Grace Jones, Roger Moore shagging Grace Jones, Patrick Macnee, Tanya Roberts, Roger Moore shower shagging Tanya Roberts, Tonya Roberts using her grandfather’s ashes to attack some thugs (no her grandfather is not Roger Moore) Paris, a chase on the Eiffel Tower, San Francisco, a fire at city hall, a fight on the Golden Gate Bridge, a lab in a stable, a robot dog, AND Roger Moore snowboarding with The Beach Boys playing in the background not tickle your Tchaikovsky? Hold on tight folks, because this episode is crazier than a horse on steroids. 

DISCLAIMER: The following episode of this program has been brought to you by Kevin McClory, esteemed producer, actor, and sole creator of James Bond 007, SPECTRE, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, spy movies, spy fiction, Duck Dodgers, Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide, and YOU (not the show, but YOU the listener.) Dissatisfied with Jake, Troy, Jan and executive fun friend Paul’s coverage of his earlier cinematic work, Thunderball, the wise Mr. McClory found it necessary to closely supervise the recording of the following episode, which covers his other cinematic triumph, Never Say Never Again. This was a necessary step to ensure that the review was based in fact and free from the lies spread by Albert R. Broccoli, Harry Saltzman, the Ian Fleming estate, and United Artists. After careful negotiations, the hosts agreed to this proposition, not just because it would be futile (legally, of course) to refuse, but because of the chance to work with the great Kevin McClory on reviewing one his greatest works. A film that triumphantly brings back Sean Connery as Mr. McClory’s beloved creation, James Bond 007, for one final mission. A film the boasts the talents of such celebrated artists like, Max Von Sydow, Klaus Maria Brandauer, Kim Basinger, Michel Legrand, Douglas Slocombe, Lorenzo Semple Jr., Irvin Kershner, and of course, Kevin McClory. Without further ado, please sit back and enjoy Kevin McClory’s production of You’ll Only Listen Twice’s review of Kevin McClory’s masterpiece, Never Say Never Again.

Regards,

The law offices of K. Vinmic Lori, Esq.