Narcissism, Gaslighting, and High-Control Groups

Alisa Stamps is a therapist who helps adult children of narcissists, cult abuse and religious trauma survivors, and those struggling with disordered eating and body image overcome their emotional and relational trauma so that they can discover their true authentic selves. She is the author of The Gaslighting Recovery Journal--Prompts and Practices for Healing from Emotional Abuse and host of the podcast, You're Not the Crazy One!. You can find all the information about Alisa’s book and podcast and information about how to work with her on her website, https://www.alisastamps.com/. You can also follow along on Instagram at @alisastamps.therapist. 

Summary

In this conversation, Alisa Stamps discusses her personal background and upbringing in a conservative Jewish synagogue. Alisa also explores her fascination with high control groups and cults, particularly in relation to narcissistic family systems. She explains the concept of gaslighting and its use in manipulation and control. Alisa highlights the impact of moral and religious gaslighting and the “never enough” mentality. She discusses the roots of narcissistic behavior and the projection of self-hatred onto others. Finally, Alisa shares her journey from being a music teacher to becoming a therapist and the inspiration behind her podcast, You're Not the Crazy One!.

Your Friend, The Therapist is hosted and produced by Kari Fillian. You can follow the show on Instagram at @yourfriendthetherapistpod. Subscribe to my Substack for more musings: https://yourfriendthetherapist.substack.com/

You can listen to the show on Substack, Spotify & Apple Podcasts.

The Way You Feel Is More Important Than The Way You Look

Libby is an artist who was in the Presbyterian Church in America until she was 38. Libby describes herself as a nature-loving Atheopaganist, neuro-spicy queer dryad with misophonia. Libby is a parent to three kids and lover of French fries. You can follow Libby on Instagram at @libby_newell. 

In this conversation, Kari interviews artist Libby Newell about her relationship to high control religion and the role of art in her deconstruction journey. They discuss the impact of Calvinism, the shift in Libby's relationship to the land, and the importance of body acceptance and reclamation. They also explore how art has been a tool for processing and communication, as well as a source of joy and healing. The conversation highlights the messages and challenges faced in high control religion, the discovery of queerness and neurodivergence, and the importance of validating personal experiences.

Your Friend, The Therapist is hosted and produced by Kari Fillian. You can follow the show on Instagram at @yourfriendthetherapistpod. Subscribe to my Substack for more musings: https://yourfriendthetherapist.substack.com/

You can listen to the show on Substack, Spotify & Apple Podcasts.

This podcast is free to listen to and download. If you'd like to support my work in creating this podcast, you are welcome to make a donation via PayPal.

Moriah Conant (she/they) is a psychologist-in-training who specializes in working with the LGBTQIA+ community, especially in the areas of trauma, identity development, and identity integration. She utilizes a relational psychodynamic approach to therapy, along with feminist psychology and LGBTQIA+ affirming psychology. They are particularly passionate about helping people heal from religious trauma. You can follow Moriah on Instagram at @mconantpsychology. 

In this conversation, Moriah and Kari discuss their personal experiences with high control religion and Moriah’s research on identity development for gender and sexual orientation. They highlight the lack of training for mental health providers in working with queer populations and the unintentional harm caused by ignorance. Moriah emphasizes the importance of integrating spirituality into therapy and the challenges faced specifically by bisexual individuals. They also discuss the relational psychodynamic approach and the significance of feminist psychology and a systems perspective. Moriah shares the importance of self-care and finding queer joy in their work.

Your Friend, The Therapist is hosted and produced by Kari Fillian. You can follow the show on Instagram at @yourfriendthetherapistpod. Subscribe to my Substack for more musings: https://yourfriendthetherapist.substack.com/

You can listen to the show on Substack, Spotify & Apple Podcasts.

An Ice Age Dildo That’s Older Than Jesus: The Sex Ed You Didn’t Get In Purity Culture

Erica Smith is an award winning sexuality educator and consultant with over 20 years of experience. Throughout her career, she has provided comprehensive sex education and advocacy to young women and LGBTQ+ youth in Philadelphia’s juvenile justice system, worked in abortion care, and supported HIV+ and transgender adolescents and their families. In 2019, she developed the Purity Culture Dropout™️ Program to help people learn all of the sex education that they missed growing up in purity culture- sex ed that is accurate, queer inclusive, trauma informed, compassionate, and comprehensive. She has since worked with hundreds of people to help them learn about healthy sexuality after high control religion. Erica lives in Philadelphia with her partner and house full of rescue animals.

You can follow Erica on Instagram at @ericasmith.sex.ed or learn more about working with her on her website purityculturedropout.com. 

Summary

In this conversation, Kari Fillian interviews Erica Smith, an award-winning sexuality educator and consultant, about her work with individuals who have experienced purity culture. Erica shares her personal background and her motivation for working with those who have been harmed by high control religion. They discuss the impact of purity culture on people's relationship to their bodies, sexuality, pleasure, and gender identity. Erica emphasizes the importance of defining one's own sexual values and challenges the harmful messages of purity culture. They also explore the history of sex and sexuality, including the history of sex toys and abortion. In this conversation, Erica emphasizes the importance of understanding the history of sex education and the cultural influences behind it. She discusses her current offerings, including individual sessions, private client work, and the purity culture dropout private community. Erica also shares the upcoming theme of her classes, which will focus on bodies. She explains how working with her one-on-one involves tackling specific topics and providing resources. Additionally, Erica discusses the value of her non-purity culture background in helping clients navigate their experiences. 

The resources mentioned in this episode are:

The book Shameless: A Sexual Reformation by Nadia Bolz-Weber

Our Bible App

Your Friend, The Therapist is hosted and produced by Kari Fillian. You can follow the show on Instagram at @yourfriendthetherapistpod. Subscribe to my Substack for more musings: https://yourfriendthetherapist.substack.com/

You can listen to the show on Substack, Spotify & Apple Podcasts.

Spiritual Identity Disruption

For over two decades, Rebekah Drumsta has held a global presence through devoting her efforts to various nonprofits and organizations.  Her background is diverse, including educational and mental health content development, international relations, and public speaking. Currently, Rebekah is the Interim Chief Executive Officer of NPE Friends Fellowship, an international non-profit organization which assists individuals, and their families, who have received unexpected results from an at-home DNA test. 

Rebekah is also a consultant, writer, and advocate at RebekahDrumsta.com with the mission of supporting survivors of spiritual abuse and religious trauma by providing resources to educate and equip not only  survivors, but the public as well. Sharing her own story to help others who have had similar life experiences is at the heart of Rebekah’s purpose. She is a board member with the Attachment and Trauma Network and a former board member of The Vashti Initiative.

Rebekah’s hobbies include binge watching riveting shows, thrifting with her family, international travel, and dabbling in all things creative and artistic. Rebekah and her family reside in Texas.   

Rebekah holds undergraduate and advanced degrees in: Urban Ministry and Family Crisis, Counseling, and Religious Education and is also a Certified Professional Life Coach. She has made appearances on and consulted with sources including BBC, NBC and ABC, and a variety of other platforms such as podcasts and film projects.

Rebekah’s book, When Family Hurts: 30 Days to Finding Healing and Clarity, was released in December of 2021. She is a co-author of the research paper, Percentage of U.S. Adults Suffering from Religious Trauma: A Sociological Study, as well as an author in the 2023 collaborative book, Hope in the 2020s: Encouragement for our time.

Your Friend, The Therapist is hosted and produced by Kari Fillian. You can follow the show on Instagram at @yourfriendthetherapistpod. Subscribe to my Substack for more musings: https://yourfriendthetherapist.substack.com/

You can listen to the show on Substack, Spotify & Apple Podcasts.

Hannah Brents is a therapist with a private practice in Massachusetts, Texas, and Florida. She also has a background in religious studies, yoga, and meditation. You can find her on Instagram at @theologytherapist.

You can listen to her episode on Season 1 of Your Friend The Therapist here: Meditation & Spirituality After High Control Religion with Hannah Brents.

In this conversation, therapist Hannah Brents and host Kari Fillian discuss the connection between sexuality, the body, and spirituality. They explore the impact of high control religion and purity culture on individuals' relationships with their bodies and sexuality. They also delve into the concept of Eros and its connection to spirituality, as well as the experiences of mystics who had erotic visions of the divine. The conversation highlights the importance of embodiment and curiosity in exploring and reclaiming one's sexuality and spirituality. 

Your Friend, The Therapist is hosted and produced by Kari Fillian. You can follow the show on Instagram at @yourfriendthetherapistpod. Subscribe to my Substack for more musings: https://yourfriendthetherapist.substack.com/

You can listen to the show on Substack, Spotify & Apple Podcasts.

Healing From Purity Culture through The Divorced Virgin Project

The Divorced Virgin Project, created by Mindy Tyler, is a comprehensive program dedicated to the transformative journey of religious deconstruction, integration and healing.

You can follow Mindy on Instagram @thedivorcedvirgin and The Divorced Virgin Project at @thedivorcedvirginproject. You can also learn more about the project at https://www.thedivorcedvirginproject.com/. 

Mindy Tyler shares her journey of religious deconstruction and healing in the Divorced Virgin Project. Growing up in an evangelical community, Mindy experienced the influence of purity culture and the challenges of questioning and leaving the faith. She now identifies as a spiritual atheist, finding connection to nature and science. The Divorced Virgin Project was inspired by Mindy's own experiences and the need for a comprehensive program to address religious trauma and provide healing modalities. The project covers various topics, including body shaming, diet culture, and psychedelic therapy. In this episode, Mindy discusses the importance of exploring different healing modalities beyond therapy, especially for individuals with complex trauma. She shares insights from her Divorced Virgin Project and Mindy reflects on the most difficult and rewarding aspects of the project, including personal growth and healing. 

Your Friend, The Therapist is hosted and produced by Kari Fillian. You can follow the show on Instagram at @yourfriendthetherapistpod. Subscribe to my Substack for more musings: https://yourfriendthetherapist.substack.com/

You can listen to the show on Substack, Spotify & Apple Podcasts.

The Power of Storytelling in the Deconstruction Process

Maggie (she/her) runs the instagram account @hello_deconstructionists and hosts the podcast Hello Deconstructionists, where she is building community post evangelicalism. She is a religious trauma survivor and a dedicated therapy client where she’s working hard to understand who she is outside of religion. Her goal is to share parts of her own story and bring other survivors together to help them know they’re not alone on their deconstruction journey.

In this conversation, Kari Fillian interviews Maggie Harrigan, the host of the Hello Deconstructionist podcast. They discuss Maggie's journey of healing from religious trauma and her activism in the deconstruction space. They explore the power of storytelling and the importance of sharing personal experiences. Maggie shares her experiences of navigating relationships with family and friends and offers advice to her 16-year-old self. 

Listen to Maggie’s podcast, Hello Deconstructionists, here. You can listen to Maggie’s episode on season one of Your Friend The Therapist here. 

Your Friend, The Therapist is hosted and produced by Kari Fillian. You can follow the show on Instagram at @yourfriendthetherapistpod. Subscribe to my Substack for more musings: https://yourfriendthetherapist.substack.com/

You can listen to the show on Substack, Spotify & Apple Podcasts.

Guest Bio

Michelle F. Moseley is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in North Carolina. She believes ALL people deserve respect, compassion, and access to mental and physical healthcare. Michelle specializes in working with survivors of religious trauma and spiritual abuse, and those who are exiting a high-control religion. She also works with folks around body image concerns, anxiety, grief, and life transitions. In addition to her clinical work, Michelle provides education about mental health for faith leaders and enjoys exploring all that North Carolina has to offer in her free time.

You can find Michelle on her website https://michellefmoseley.com/ and on Instagram @therapy_with_michelle.

Summary

Michelle F. Moseley, a licensed mental health counselor, discusses her personal experience with high control religion and how it led her to specialize in working with survivors of religious trauma and spiritual abuse. She also addresses the intersection of diet culture and purity culture, highlighting the judgmental hierarchy, disconnection from the body, and moral-based language that both cultures perpetuate. Michelle emphasizes the need for understanding and support for those navigating the complexities of leaving high control religion and finding community outside of it. In this conversation, Michelle Moseley discusses the relationship between high control religion and body image. She explains how individuals in high control religions receive messages about body image from both their religious teachings and the broader culture. These conflicting messages can create a constant focus on body image and lead to struggles with self-acceptance. Michelle also shares her work as an educator, teaching faith leaders about mental health and the impact of purity culture. She emphasizes the importance of faith leaders understanding the power of their words and the need for self-care and honoring personal rhythms.

Chapters

00:00 Introduction and Background

03:08 The Impact of High Control Religion

08:26 Transition to Mental Health Counseling

13:20 Finding Community and Training

24:13 Defining Diet Culture and Purity Culture

26:13 The Relationship Between Diet Culture and Purity Culture

29:48 Intersection of Diet Culture and Purity Culture

35:05 The Impact of Purity Culture on Women

37:36 Power Dynamics and Dependency

38:05 Relationship between high control religion and body image

39:27 The impact of high control religion on body image struggles

40:08 The constant pressure to change one's body

41:23 The difficulty of resting and accepting one's body

43:23 Educating faith leaders about mental health

47:19 The importance of faith leaders understanding purity culture and body image

48:39 Taking care of oneself and honoring personal rhythms

50:38 The power of words and the impact of faith leaders

52:10 Rapid fire questions

55:00 Where to find Michelle's work

Your Friend, The Therapist is hosted and produced by Kari Fillian. You can follow the show on Instagram at @yourfriendthetherapistpod. Subscribe to my Substack for more musings: https://yourfriendthetherapist.substack.com/

You can listen to the show on Substack, Spotify & Apple Podcasts.

This podcast is free to listen to and download. If you'd like to support my work in creating this podcast, you are welcome to make a donation via PayPal.

Megan Von Fricken is a licensed clinical social worker with a virtual psychotherapy practice where she specializes in helping people recover from religious harm. You can follow Megan on Instagram at @reclaimingself.therapy.

You can listen to Megan’s episode on Season 1 of Your Friend The Therapist here: Accepting Your Authentic Self with Megan Von Fricken. 

In this conversation, Megan Von Fricken, a licensed clinical social worker specializing in helping people recover from religious harm, discusses her own experience with high control religion and the process of deconstructing her beliefs. She explores the intersection of family trauma and religious trauma, highlighting the concept of generational religious trauma. Megan emphasizes the importance of grieving the losses associated with leaving a high control group and finding ways to rebuild and create new experiences. She also discusses the role of anger and the need for self-compassion in the healing process. 

Your Friend, The Therapist is hosted and produced by Kari Fillian. You can follow the show on Instagram at @yourfriendthetherapistpod. Subscribe to my Substack for more musings: https://yourfriendthetherapist.substack.com/

You can listen to the show on Substack, Spotify & Apple Podcasts.